I am 52. My mother is 76. She has not been formerly diagnosed by a doctor, but through blood tests we do know she carries two copies of the APOE ε4 gene. She's been showing signs of cognitive decline since the beginning of 2022. In late 2022, we went to an attorney to update her living will and to make me DPOA (medical + financial).
Mom has a bad habit of buying a home, remodeling (all DIY), enjoying the upgrades for a few months, then selling. The maximum amount of time she spends in a home is about 3 years (it's a running joke in my family how long she'll stay every time she purchases a home). She's been doing this for at least the past 20 years.
With her last house I really had hoped she was done moving, especially because she kept saying, "This is my last house until I move into assisted living." Well, true to form, in May 2024 after being in her home only 2.5 years, she started talking about selling. All her wealth (which isn't a lot) is 100% tied up in the equity of her home. Her social security is good at $2,900, but she blows it all on Amazon and Temu crap, so she has no money in savings. Knowing this, I was keenly aware she wouldn't have the money it takes to move (earnest money on a new place, hiring movers, paying for repairs to her home requested by buyers, etc.). I tried to tell her this, but she wouldn't listen.
In May of 2024, I also noticed an uptick in her Dementia symptoms: losing things, repeating herself, significant weight loss, not following through on doctors appointments, etc. Because of this and the fact she had no savings, I didn't want her to move. I knew a move would likely push her over the edge. However, she kept insisting. My husband and I told her we would loan her the money to move if she at least moved closer to us. She was one city over, 45 minutes away and we both work demanding fulltime jobs. She agreed and we started looking at houses 15 minutes away from us.
By mid-October 2024 we put her house up for sale and it sold within 57 days. I took on 100% of the stress in the sale of her house + purchase of the new one. I worked with her realtor because Mom couldn't make complex decisions. I decided it best if she stuck to packing and I'd do the rest, which I literally did. For example, it never crossed her mind to have her mail forwarded or to get homeowners insurance on her new place. Mom moved into an older townhome in January 2025.
The first 3 weeks in Mom's new place was awesome. She was so happy and I was taking her to doctors appointments, just like I had planned. All was well! I was glad to have her close so that I could help more. Then all hell broke loose.
She kept asking me for a detailed accounting of what she owed us for the move. So, I put together a spreadsheet and gave it to her. Things have never been the same since. Even though the list was itemized, she still couldn't believe it cost that much to move: $2,000 for movers, $1,800 for repairs for her old house, etc. The total she owed was around $8,000.
She started paying us back (I told her to take her time), but every single time she ran across the spreadsheet, she got angrier and angrier. It got to the point where she was barely talking to me, would turn her back when I'd drop by for a visit, refused to look me in the eye. All the while being flabbergasted daily at the moving costs!
Then one day earlier this month I get a phone call from her realtor. He asks if everything is OK because my mom called him (and said not to tell me) saying she wants to sell the townhome that she'd only been in for 2.5 months! She got angry with HIM over the cost of moving, so she decided moving, again, would be the answer!
My husband and I then went to an elder law attorney to ask how to enforce the POA. He said if Mom is resistant or combative (oh, is she ever!), then we'd probably have to pursue guardianship. No way!
It's 2 weeks since she's spoken to me. Am I wrong to not contact her?
You have done nothing wrong here. There is no helping people who refuse to even admit they need the help, much less accept it, and then when they finally do (when their backs are firmly against the wall), make it seem like they're doing YOU the favor.
I told my friends and co-workers what happened and they all said, "You're now off the hook!"
Embrace your freedom. She is your mom, so if you want to reach out to her, go ahead and be pleasant and courteous. I haven't spoken to my aunt in over a year, however. I had tried reaching out, but she was still bitter and angry at me, so I left her alone.
If you decide to contact her, maybe wait until everything has cooled off. Best of luck to you!
You may need to “ make nice “ , for her to cooperate . Try getting her to the primary doctor for “ required Medicare check up “ . Perhaps her primary is willing to do a mini cog test . Give the doc a heads up before hand of what is going on .
Good Luck .
She actually does already have her annual physical set up with her GP next week. Mom's been telling me for a few weeks now that I don't need to attend because she is "fine." After this latest incident, I definitely won't be going with her now.
I called the GP's nurse quite awhile ago (before this all blew up) and told her I was concerned about Mom's memory decline. The doctor has agreed to do a cognitive test during that appointment, calling it "routine care."
It sounds like you have to let this go, she seems determined to have her way regardless of the destruction she causes. Eventually she will be stopped when people realize she’s not competent to handle her business and she can’t get any more credit. Hopefully at that point she’ll be more amenable to the care she needs. Her telling you not to accompany her to the doctor is an indication she knows things are not right (but she wants to hide it).
I would resign POA and not pursue guardianship. I don’t see how guardianship would help the situation when she’s so uncooperative. You obviously care so much so this will be difficult. But sadly it doesn’t seem like she’ll allow you to help.
In the 8 page letter I sent to her doctor, I did mention her potentially being depressed. I did that because she's great at showboating and can convince even the biggest skeptic that she's "just fine."
Before this all blew up, Mom was complaining that none of her friends ever called her. I suggested she reach out to them, which was met with a "I'm too busy with my new house" reply. However, AFTER the blow up, she has been spending literally hours on the phone with several different friends, no doubt complaining about me. I guess it's a good thing she's at least talking with them now!
Oh, yes, my mom also spends a good amount of time calling customer service numbers for help with "broken" appliances, internet connection, cellphone functionality, etc. I've told her a million times to call me, instead. Never happens.
I have thought about calling the DMV about her driving. I will see what her GP says about it during her upcoming annual physical.
I now realize that she'll continue to be resistant regardless if I have POA or gain guardianship. I have no interest in the latter. I think she'd do much better in the hands of someone else or the state.
Thanks, again, for your response. It is very helpful.
You need to get Mom to her doctor. Tell her Medicare is requiring it. She needs a good physical. Labs will show any problems with her numbers. Have the doctor do a cognitive test. Write a short list of things you see and add you want a cognitive test done. Give it to the receptionist to give to the doctor. It will help him ask Mom the correct question. If Dementia is found, then I would take her to see a Neurologist to find out what type you will be dealing with. Knowing the type will help with getting her the right medication.
If she is dead set on moving, tell her you won't be helping. This means no help with the realtor or setting up the move. Inform her realtor you suspect Dementia. They really should not allow her to sign any contracts.
One sign of Dementia is fixating on one thing. I think Moms next move will be to Assisted Living. She should not live alone.
Oh, yes, she's deadset on moving. She does this every 3 years or so and I know the signs very well. I am certain that she will not change her mind since she's already decided she hates her townhome. She hasn't been back in touch with her original realtor who helped her sell her former home. This is good because Mom put both me and him through hell during that sale. Things like after the house was on the market for only 1 day, she was upset she hadnt yet received an offer and wanted to pull the listing. She has no sense of time and probably thought it had been on the market for months! That realtor was an absolute angel to put up with her antics. He had helped her sell and buy yet another home in 2021 (before she started to decline) and often commented to me during the latest transaction that she had changed so much and he was glad I was helping her out.
The problem now, of course, is that from her phone log I can see she is contacting other realtors on a daily basis, so she's definitely on the hunt! I simply don't have the time to call them all and warn them. I tried that before and I couldn't keep up!
Hopefully her doc appointment this coming Wednesday will be a success. Her doctor knows about her memory loss and plans to do cognitive testing at the time.
I’m both hugely sympathetic to your rage and relieved on your behalf. Thank you for coming back to update your post too. We all learn a lot that way.
You've done so much and if you'd like to resign the POA, I think that's understandable.