I’m a 35yo F. I have been legally married for 2 years but all together 15 years to my husband 42 M. Father In law died 3 years ago and MIL has been at our home for almost 3 years now. She is 76 and she can’t cook or clean or use the bathroom by herself anymore and she needs assistance with her pills.MIL needs help walking etc., etc. I’m a SAHM with 4 kids 10,4,2,1. My husband works from 8-6 (plus traffic almost 7-8pm) most days and is off 2 or 1 day at the week. His salary is not high and we are barely making it through. I had a conversation with my husband about MIL needing assistance because I CANT take care of her and the kids. My husband has 7 siblings and yet Husband refused to get their help (and siblings don’t really offer to help either nor do they visit often). Now after our talk husband sometimes before work he changes MIL diaper and gives breakfast and pills but during the day I have to do the rest. During the day MIL complains that she doesn’t feel good and she refutes to eat while she is with me. I have to call my husband so he can tell her to eat. As soon as my husband gets home she tells him how she hasn’t eat and that she doesn’t feel well. After he sits down with her and talk and all of that she is well again. Anyway after the talk I had with my husband about getting help my husband said he wasn’t going to give up his mom and that I should start the paper work (PAPER WORK FOR DIVORCE) and I just said ok. Few days passed and he was talking to me like we were the best of friends and being loving etc. etc. and even he had a meeting with his siblings but yet NOTHING has changed. Today I send him a message because of something that happened with MIL hiding pills and stating that she had dropped them. I spend a good 10 minutes looking for them in the floor because of fear out of NY kids eating them. After asking her a few times she gave me the pills from her pocket. I told my husband and he’s reply said to not give her anything anymore and that she will just have to eat until he got home (GUILT TRIPING ME) I told him that I wasn’t going to allowed the guilt trip just because he refuses to ask his 7 other siblings for help. And that I’m starting the divorce paper and he just said that I have money (which is not mine it’s the kids) and that I should start the divorce. And from there his replies were just an ok. I stopped responding but I guess it makes me sad to know that he doesn’t care to lose me or to cut his time short with the kids just because he thinks that he is solely responsible for MIL when he has a lot of help around him. I’m tiered. Physically and emotionally.
1) Write a letter to the seven siblings, saying what you are being required to do for MIL and that DH has refused to ask for any help – from them or from paid carers. Tell them that you feel that MIL is playing helpless, refusing to co-operate with you, and requiring extra time from your DH (which he can’t spend with you or the kids). You are looking after MIL, DH, and 4 kids (including 2 todlers). Say that you can’t keep going.
2) Say that DH has suggested that you ‘start the paper work for divorce’, if you can’t cope. Say that whether or not you move out, or he moves out, you will NOT be caring for MIL. DH can’t work and care for MIL. They need to think as a family about how they are going to arrange care for MIL. Suggest that they have a family meeting without you to work out how they want to cope. It should NOT involve the option of you continue to do what you are doing now.
3) Look at your finances, and at a minimum split any savings that are in joint accounts. Put your half into an account in your sole name BEFORE you write the letter or go any further.
Your husband is trading on his belief that you won't take this any further. You need to shake him up. It is also only fair to let the siblings know in advance what is going on. Let them think about the situation for a while, before you actually pay for a lawyer to start divorce. Good luck!
Meet with a divorce lawyer to find out exactly what would be involved. How would custody and child support work. How to access and monitor all your financial accounts to make sure your husband doesn't start hiding assets, etc. in anticipation of a divorce and catch you off-guard. Don't tell your husband about this. You aren't starting a divorce, but protecting yourself and your children in case, sadly, it reaches that point.
Take your children on vacation for a week. If your oldest is in school, he'll have spring break coming up soon. Stay with your parents if necessary, even if they are local (so it's not really a trip). But leave the house and don't go back for the full week. Let your husband see what it's like to deal with his mother full-time for a week, and how much he will miss you all if you actually were to divorce.
In the meantime, if your MIL doesn't want to eat, well, fine. Her choice. Anything else that is not an urgent need, same thing. Your husband can fix her meals and whatever else she needs when he gets home.
A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. Your husband doesn't get to dictate that you have to take care of his manipulative mother.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, and hope your husband's eyes will be opened to the reality.
1. You had three children with a man you lived with, without benefit of marriage.
2. You lived with this man for 15 years. During that time he took in MIL (BEFORE getting married.
3. You then got married and had yet another child.
4. All children are now very young at ages 1, 2, 4, and 10.
I do not see divorce as an option here.
Unless you plan to leave all four children with your husband, I don't see how you will work or support them.
I don't see how your husband, already spending his entire day at work, will support two households.
The mistakes we make in life ongoing have consequences.
The siblings aren't helping and that WILL NOT CHANGE.
You have taken an elder into your home knowingly and willingly and made it her home, and you continued to have four children.
These aren't the sort of "mistakes" that you can just say "Oh, wrong size, throwing that one in the hopper".
These are human beings.
I can't imagine a way out of this creation.
I hope others are much more bright than I am and have an idea how to help you, because MIL is quite young, and I suspect she has a good two more decades of life left in her.
I wish you good luck. I feel very sorry for the children caught up in this.
You married your husband not your MIL . Your husband should be putting you and his kids first . Your MIL is not your responsibility .
Have you suggested marriage counseling ? Maybe the counselor can get through to him . If he says No . I would go stay with your parents with your kids if possible , let him deal with his mother . And speak to a lawyer .
The in-laws have established boundaries and that’s their right.
Can you go to your mom’s or your sisters for a week? Let him see how bad it is when he has to leave work to handle her.
But until you get the divorce ball rolling, take your children on a 2 week vacation far from your husband and MIL, and give your husband a taste of what caring for his mother full-time looks like.
That may just change his mind about what needs to be done with his mother.
And if it doesn't, well then you know what needs to be done.
Any husband whose first reaction to a disagreement is "file papers" is not one worth having, in my opinion.
As far as people being "disappointed" in you, well, that is their problem, quite frankly. They aren't walking in your shoes. And I'm sure God has a great many more things he is disappointed in with the human race than a marriage ending.
More important things for you to be concerned about is how to support yourself and your 4 children. Concentrate on that, rather than worrying about others opinion of you.
Good luck.
Do you have any options of leaving for a few days/weeks? I know this is a big ask with several children in your care. At the least, maybe find yourself a full time job during the day while kids are at school. Unfortunately your husband needs a wake up call and be THE caregiver for his mommy.
This is tremendously unfair and I wish you the best of luck to be free of this servitude.
You have been together 15 years total.
You have been married for 2 years.
MIL moved in a year before you got married.
I am also going to presume that she needed a caregiver when she moved in.
Has you husbands work schedule change in the past year?
Why would you expect anything to change?
OK, done with my bit
If your husband has told you to begin the process of divorce do just that.
Talk to a GOOD lawyer and I think when he finds out how much it will cost him he might change his tune.
Now...
Does MIL have any assets or is she getting Social Security or Pension?
If so use that money to pay for caregivers
You and your husband should also be getting compensation for your expenses. MIL should be paying her portion of ALL expenses. 8 people living in the house she should be paying 1/8 of ALL expenses.
And just a thought. You say you are a Stay at home mom. You also say you are barely making it. Is there a way that you can get a job to help with expenses?
Yes this would mean finding care for the kids not in school and that would be an expense as well. But it would get you out of the house and your husband would then have to find care for his mother.
Forget about being a 'SAHM' and go get a job to bring income into the household so your husband doesn't have to work himself to death. School will provide the daycare for your 10 and 4 year old, and the younger kids will need a daycare arrangement which can be done. Some public schools start pre-school at 3 years and it's free.
You go and get a job. This takes care of your MIL problem because there will be no one to care for her at home. So she gets placed in LTC or one of her other kids takes her in. If your husband refuses this, then tell him the two of you are through because you can't live like this. Nor should you have to. Your situation isn't fair to anyone in your household. Not you, not your kids, not your MIL, and not your husband. Make him understand this.
Your husband does not want to be married to you anymore and he's using his mother's care needs as the reason. It is not. He has four children with you. It's time for him to grow up. Make him understand that divorce right now will cost way more than what he's paying now to support the house. So MIL goes into LTC or to one of her other kid's homes. If not, then your husband better start working 16 and 18 hour days because he's going to need to.
Good luck.
Your MIL sounds like she has Dementia. If this has not been diagnosed it should be. Make her an appt with her PCP for a full physical. Medicare pays for it once a year. Tell them its her annual. Your MIL will get worse if Dementia is involved. There is no way you can keep this up.
Siblings such as these believe for the most part that the siblings who are assuming care of elders are "foolish" in doing so.
They will simply say that it is "your problem."
I have never seen such siblings step up, myself. I never even go there anymore and think it's a waste of energy.
It's most certainly, however, an option to give it a try as there's absolutely nothing to lose.
Like he literally won’t be able to do it without you so after day 2 he would probably have readjust his attitude.
Joke’s on him.
Give him and his siblings a week notice that you will not be caring for MIL those two weeks.
This may change your husband.
Which, by the way, raising kids is a job. You can tell because if you can't or won't do it you have to pay someone handsomely to do it for you.
My DH responded to me the 2 or 3 times I threatened divorce over CG for his elderly parents (he felt that I should have as much in the game as he did--well, I was also caring for my OWN aging parents and he never did a single thing to lift that burden from me) by kind of laughing it off, like "you won't be able to make it on your own". It was demeaning to me and has taken him many years to actually realize it.
As much as we hate to 'make a fuss', he isn't going to DO anything different until you probably DO either leave him with the kids and let him flounder, or worst case, file for divorce. I wouldn't just file--I'd leave first and kind of push an agenda of couples therapy or whatever you can get.
FWIW--he can't afford a divorce. The cost of a SAHM, running the show, is around $140K a year. My Dh joked that he couldn't afford to divorce me, as he'd have to pay out so much $$.
It's up to your DH to contact his sibs and make a plan. Let them KNOW how you feel and what you are planning. If nobody will step up and help, then your DH has to choose between mom and wife.
Mom must have some kind of income. If nobody wants to take her in, then DH needs to take some time to find an alternate place for her. I watched my own DH and his sibs take more than a year out of their lives to cater to a demanding mother, who, it turned out, was so far gone into her dementia she thought the year the 'kids' were caring for her--that they were employees of the NH she was living in. She was IN HER OWN HOME. They moved her to ALF and her statement was "This place is a lot nicer than the old one you had me in." She was in her OWN HOME.
Sorry, just typing that out makes me grit my teeth.
My kids were all grownups by the time my CG for the parents got hard--but they still resented the fact that I was gone A LOT and not available to them.
I sure wish you good luck. Be tough and know you have a LOT of cyber friends who know exactly what you are feeling and going through.
thank you for the kind response ! I believe I’m not going to divorce just yet. I’m getting a job, getting care for my kids and then split . I believe that’s the best I can do for now.
I'm concerned that the OP wouldn't be able to make enough working to cover daycare costs. I remember my daycare for 2 kids costing as much as my mortgage did. But a part time evening job where hubby has to watch mom and all the kids might work.
We had a huge fight with a lot of back and forth yelling ..
I found a job and I start next week. We settle on the days to take care
of the kids and well. I’m looking for an attorney and shop for prices .. I found a sitter too. And some family support.
I believe this is it guys! Please keep me and my kids on your prayers. Mainly my little ones because I feel like my heart is ripping apart because I’m scared for them .
thanks fir the info . 👍
Every woman I've ever met regretted taking the house.
I guess he chose his mama and not his wife and four children. Pathetic man.
ljke he doesn’t care since I’m still here at home. I’m making peace with it even though I feel this rage in my body. I’m mad and hurt.
first post in answer to you. It's about things that don't include immediate divorce, which you have now decided against. Love, Margaret