Hi everyone,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. After my dad passed away, my mother moved in with us. My husband and my mom get along well, she is a very private person so she helps me with cooking and when she’s not cooking, and she’s at work or minding her business in her room giving us privacy. My mom shows gratitude for living with us by helping us.
My mother-in-law has been wanting to move in with us for about two years now since my father-in-law passed away. Her and my relationship has been rocky because she never helps out with anything. Instead she is a messy person, so she’ll leave her bowl on the kitchen table, never cleans up after herself, even left her dirty paper napkin on the counter a few times. She drinks tea 2-3 times a day and leaves the tea bags on the kitchen counter too. She is also entitled, told me once that “this is her son’s house and she’s going to come here when she wants to” I had told my husband to have a chat with her about this and he did, she hasn’t said this to me again, but never apologized for saying it either.
We avoided moving her in because of all these reasons. But since she came back from her trip, she fell once (without any injury), came to stay with us for two weeks. Acted like she was sick so I’m cooking and cleaning up after her. She went back home and a week later, fractured her ankle, and came back with us for 2 months since she couldn’t walk. I’m cooking and cleaning after her. We had someone give her bath and such in the morning. My husband was back and forth at her service, not much time left for us. Whenever we went out with friends, he would come back home early so he can serve her dinner etc. I understood that she needed help. After she’s healed, she went back to her house. Within a week of her going back home, she felt dizzy after a lunch with some friends, but still got behind the wheels, fainted, and drove into a pole. Now she has fractured her arm and can’t do anything so she’s back with us. My husband said that she was going back in two weeks, but just informed me that she’ll been to be here at least for 6 more weeks. He was afraid to tell me I guess because he knows that I’m not her big fan. This has been my life since March of this year. I don’t get to spend time with him because she needs help all the time. Also, she’s always loud on the phone or has TV loud. I work from home and I don’t get peace and quiet I prefer in the house. I feel like my needs take a second priority in my house.
His work keeps him busier so I have always done cooking and cleaning around the house. Now he says that he can’t even put away the clean dishes which was the only chore he did in the kitchen because he’s too busy working and taking care of his mom. I AM SO DONE. I feel like maid more than a wife. Granted, he shows a lot of love and appreciation with words. He takes out trash and does the laundry once a week. He told me that he wants to move his mom in with us. I told him that a house with a finished basement with kitchen could be an option, but he’s been pushing for a smaller house which wouldn’t take care of the noise issue of hers.
What do I do? Am I asking for too much? Am I being unkind? Should we go to marriage counseling?
And it still may not survive if hubby continues to want to move his mother in.
But you started it all with allowing your mother to move in with you guys which you never should have done, and now your MIL feels that she should have that same right.
What newlywed couple thinks it's a good idea to have their parents live with them? Nobody I know that's for sure.
This definitely sounds more like a marriage issue than a parent issue, so I do hope you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage if that is what you really want.
And I hope that will mean getting both parents out of your home.
Both spouses need to agree before letting a parent move in . You are not comfortable living with your mother in law, so you should not agree to it .
It’s not working for you having your mother in law there and it won’t work for you even after her fractures are healed.
It may mean your mother moving out as well to save this marriage , which IMO is what should happen . No new marriage should have parents living with them if possible .
You and your spouse should be building your own life together . Your Mom is independent , she goes to work, she should get her own place .
I am afraid also that your husband isn't being honest and up front with his mother.
So you are kind of left to be the whipping boy. You are left to be the "bad guy".
AND THAT ISN"T FAIR.
Were this me, I would be sitting hubby down and I would go to a mediating counselor or Licensed Social Worker in Private practice if that is what I had to do.
I would be saying the following:
" We took my mom in automatically without thinking. That was a MISTAKE and I OWN that mistake. What we SHOULD have done is sat down and said that caregiving is an ongoing problem that worsens with time, and that, at the point it doesn't work for ONE of us then all bets are off for ALL OF US and our beloved senior has to go into care. We will reassess this every six months by the calendar, and speak to one another at length and honestly, with gentleness and love.
Our mistake in this has led to ANOTHER mother having expectations (which are likely natural) that she too will be taken in. However, THIS mother is not like the OTHER MOTHER. We will be honest in admitting that.
I personally cannot live with your mother in my home for any length of time. I think it may have been a serious mistake to take her in briefly rather than placing her temporarily because we have been cruel in creating unreal expectations.
We will need now to come up with a plan.
YOU are her son. I think that means that you should be the one to tell your mom she will not be living with us. Whether you put blame on yourself, on me or on both of us isn't really a huge concern for me, but this must be done by you because you are the man of this house and are her son.
If at some point (and this likely WILL HAPPEN) the care of my mother becomes too much for us, or for you FOR ANY REASON, then we will have the discussion and I will be the one to discuss options, assets and placement with my mother."
That's it. Quite honestly, honesty is all that is needed here.
I have a feeling your husband will agree with you on limits, whatever they are. Those limits (say three months) will be laid out to his mother. And she will have to agree with them.
This isn't tough stuff. It was luck of the draw. You got "easy mom " and he didn't. It WELL COULD HAVE BEEN THE OPPOSITE in which case YOU would be on the hot seat. It may be in the future. There's no upside coming for you.
Wishing you the best of luck. Be honest with one another. Hope you'll update us.
I know that all cost money, but those are your best solutions.
I'm hearing that you don't mind your mom living there, but I'm wondering what your husband thinks about it.
Best of luck.
The mother in law thinks she’s entitled to move in. The husband may be thinking the same because they let OP’s mother move in , or he feels he can’t say No to his Mom .
I wonder if OP’s mother hadn’t moved in , if the husband would have asked to have his Mom move in .
I agree with the other posters time to have a heart to heart with your husband before this get any further out of hand.