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My mother, age 86 and of sound mind and "ok" health, has been living with me and my roommate since last October. She has her own room and in-home assist every day. But its the evenings after my work, weekends, and ongoing "anger" over my having lost my "freedom" that is making me act so different towards my mother and I am concerned this will eventually lessen my love for her. We have always been very close. I have spoiled her all of my life, however, I left "home" at age 19 and began my career at a city about a 4 hour drive from my mom. (My father is deceased.) So I would visit my mom every month, take her on wonderful yearly vacations, etc etc. This new life is very difficult. I am more fortunate than most and I know this. I still have a demanding full-time career which I have refused to even consider giving up to take care of my mother. My career is my "life-line" out of the home and affords a little bit of balance. My resentment stems from not having a vacation for soon 4 years and not having the freedom to go out to dinner at night without making arrangements for her care. I never had children so call me selfish but I have always been a "career" woman and never wanted kids. Now I have a dependent child. I have no family support. They all live out of state and even when I take my mother to visit her "home" in Pennsylvania every month to see her "family," they are useless. I can't depend on any of them. They are inept and so I have given up on any useless family support. I hate taking my mother to Pennsylvania. I get so angry and depressed on the drive that I have ignored her completely when driving in terms of talking to her. I always ensure she gets the very best care so that is not an issue. I do my "other job" I feel commendably. The issue is I am not the same "daughter" I was as I am resenting this situation more and more. I will have her live with us as long as I can safely care for her and provide her with a quality of life. But like so many others, I have given up a portion of my life and frankly I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that at age 61 soon 62 this would be my life. I fought for my mother tirelessly up to and through her open heart surgery. I took 3 months off from work to live, eat and breathe staying at the hospital and skilled nursing facility and then continued being with her every step of the way when I had her relocated to Maryland. I drove 33 miles one way after work to Baltimore to be with her and on weekends at a chronic care facility in Baltimore. She adores her son who I so very much resent. I can no longer even begin to let her know my feelings because she gets made so I have resigned myself to having a "superficial" relationship with her. I take her to all of her medical appointments; I ensure she has in-home care; I take care of all of her bills/paperwork. As I told my roommate recently, I don't want to look at my life as "well when my mother is gone, then I can travel and have a quality of life." That is not a healthy feeling. I want to be able to travel now and know that my mom will be ok at home with in-home care. My mom has a trache. I take good care of cleaning it. My mom said she doesn't want anyone working on her neck but me. I said but mom, what is the picture in your mind about me ever taking a vacation?. Bottom line is she is selfish. Has always been. She truly feels I should put my life on hold while she is alive. This makes me feel angry and so when I can't stand it anymore, I go up to my room or just have some alone time. Most times I provide her with excellent care and sometimes I try to take her shopping once a weekend and out to dinner, but those trips to Pennsylvania bum the heck out of me. I promised my mom I would take her,weather permitting, to her home in Pa once a month. I am the only one to give her any quality of life. I am going to try to find a counselor to simply listen to me. No one can fix any of this. If my mother were in a nursing home for me it would be worse. I would be there constantly and her care would not be up to par llike I provide. So this is a never ending story for now. How very sad though. I appreciate this support group and want eveyone to know it has helped me. Thank you.

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Your story reminds me of the saying 'nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there'. You know, you were fine when you had to travel to see her, so some stuff for her then go home? It's kinda sounds like that to me. Anyway, why does she either have to be living with you, or in a nursing home? Isn't there something in between like asst. living or Adult Foster Care? You can still make sure she's taken care of, without having her living under the same roof. How useless are your siblings? If you were to call them and say that you NEED them to take mom for a month, would they absolutely say no? Or, if they won't physically help, what about pitching in some money to help with her care in hiring someone to stay with her while you go on a vacation? And if she's never going back to her house to live, then it's time to sell it. No sense running back and forth to look at it, for no reason in my opinion. Time for you to take back some of the control that you gave up when she moved in. I don't care if she doesn't want anyone else taking care of her, do it anyhow. She can just buck up. Anyway, that's how I see it looking in from a distance. Good luck.
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The biggest source of resentment is the feeling "I have to do something I don't want to do." We tend to focus on the "I don't want to do it" part, but the solution is in the "I have to do it" part. Look hard at that; change what you can change about it and take ownership of the choices that you're making. "I am choosing this" is a whole 'nuther reality from "I have to do this."
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It is just so sad that most of us on this web site are struggling so with balancing our lives so we can care for our parents. This dilemma is going to continue because we are living in different times and such a complicated world. For myself I am just trying to accept the way things are and stop fighting it. I have been watching over my Mom for 3 years plus, every since my step Dad passed away. I am worn out emotionally, but I also know it is not going to change, perhaps for years. So all that is left for me is to surrender to what is the reality of my life. Fighting it only adds to my frustration and anger. As most here, I love my mother but never imagined that my life would take this turn. Am I selfish for having these feelings? Yes, we all have needs, desires and visions for our life, it is just not something we can control. All that is left is to surrender to what is, the more we fight it, the more we add to our own difficulties. Mt blessing to everyone here - and hug yourself for doing what you know is the right path.
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This is so much bigger then any of us expect. Even when we do take time to replenish ourselves we return to the same anguish and it is always with you when you are close to our parents. I think even those that seemingly turn their back on their parent are struggling. It is always in our minds and I have come to the conclusion that accepting this stage in my life is the only way I can survive it. It has affected all my relationships and there is such a resistance within myself, but I continue to be loving and caring towards my mother, but it doesn't come without price to my own happiness. I see no other path but acceptance. I am certainly not going to abandon my mother at her most difficult hour. I just try to accept and know that this will pass. In the meantime I have to try to live my life the best I can and to work at letting go of resentment.
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As you can already see, there are so many of us in the same situation as you. I too, have had a great deal of resentment at having to be the caretaker for my mother. However, I realized one day that I HAD to come to terms with it and make peace with it or the situation was going to "eat me alive". I am fortunate to have one sibling that helps out, but she lives two hours away--so that help is limited. I have another sibling who could help out but does not raise a finger to help or a $ towards the money my other sibling and I spend on my mom's care. That being said, I have finally realized the situation is what it is. You can choose to care for your mom in the way you have and by the high standards you have provided. Your alternative is to put her in a care facility. Can you live with that? Im not saying it is wrong to place a parent in a care facility. In fact I have explored this option for my own mother. Sometimes the level of care that needs to be provided is not possible with the parent still in the home. If, as you say, you would be worried that she is not receiving the care to the level that you would give, then I would say take that into account. I feel the exact same about placing my mom--I feel I can still provide better care for her in my home--so FOR TODAY-- this is the life I have chosen. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can I would say spend liberally and often to get caregivers to come in for several hours so that you can pursue your own activities. You say you resent having to arrange caregiving so you can go out. My question to you would be--what if you couldn't arrange it at all? What if you could not afford it? Having a caregiver so you can go out a few times a week is much better than being tied to your home all the time with no relief. Its a trade off. You must realize that you ARE trading your time and energy to see that your mom has good care. You must also realize that your relatives probably won't ever change. Once you quit trying to hold them accountable believe me, you will release a BIG burden. I speak from experience on this. They are not the least worried about the situation. Your spending energy to stay angry at them for their lack of caring is not going to change the situation one tiny bit. Be proud of the fine job you are doing for your mother--in spite of her faults, her selfishness, and in spite of having to give up freedoms. You are doing something that is unique and selfless. Live your life as best as you can NOW. We were not promised an easy life, but attitude and perspective can help us remind ourselves that we are doing something good and right and true for our loved ones who are in need.
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I think after reading many of these posts that it is universal that we all feel the following:
Abandonment
Isolation
Depression
Resentment, etc., and on and on,,,,
So where do we go from here?... I think acceptance is the key, accepting the new norm, and then I'm going to not expect anything from anyone, which will be a new norm also. Siblings do not want to be burdened for whatever reason, but like I said before there are heros out there from all walks of life and i do believe we will all be better and more compassionate after this is over, if it ever is.
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Musiclover: I too can relate. I would ask you to seriously consider Assisted Living. Unfortunately, I catered to my mom's every desire and she was very dependent on me. She would not do anything by herself or let anyone else help her because she wanted me to do it. I tried to talk to Mom about AL when I saw how she was becoming forgetful, but she would hang up on me and then pout for a week. Well, now that Mom is living in a memory care facility and I see the active life she COULD have lived in the assisted living that is on the property, I regret not pushing the issue with her and telling her that I couldn't handle all her care any longer and I needed help! Caregivers in assisted living get a break, they are always upbeat and refreshed because they get sleep! They get a break from their patients, you do not. Your Mom will surprise you once she gets to assisted living. She will play bingo, have delicious meals and go on activities. My Mom, sadly can do none of that now, I wish I would have pushed her into it and I see now how I did her no favors by letting her depend 100% on me for EVERYTHING. I totally understand your resentment. I understand the guilt too. I wish you and your Mom every blessing and good luck on your journey! Hugs.
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Although my story is different in some ways, I completely understand your resentment. When my husband had bladder cancer, I took care of him for over a year. My mother got sick at 85 and I had to take care of her. Lucky she had my father to "watch" her, so I didn't have to live with her. I cleaned and cooked and shopped and bathed her for 3 years. After she died, my father's health declined and, except for when he was in a rehab for a few months, I wound up taking care of him from the time he was 90-95. I finally got someone in to lift, change and bathe him at the end because I couldn't physically do it anymore. Just when I thought it was over...The day he died, my boyfriend had a massive stroke!. So, guess who he is depending on to wash, dress, feed and care for him? He has 5 kids and they all "have their own life"...Here's the bottom line. It's a thankless, awful job and you have every right to be resentful. I have a brother who is completely useless, too. He lives about 15 minutes away and visited my dad twice a year. But, when it came time, he was right in the front of the line for the money. Don't count on any pats on the back. They don't exist. Sorry to sound so negative, but in the end, it's hard to find anything positive about it. Things never, ever get better and we all know how it ends. I can't say why I allow it. Maybe I have no self-esteem at all. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, or I just can't deal with a guilty conscience. It doesn't matter. Please use this as a lesson. Do whatever you have to do to get out of that situation. It doesn't get better. You will give up your life and nobody will care. You'll wind up bitter like me and you'll just wreck your own health. The only thing you will have is bad memories. It's a waste of time. Live your life.
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You know what is so sad? The lady above is completely right. We all know where this will end and no one will care what we did or didnt do. We have to only live with ourselves and know in our hearts that we did our best. I have learned the hard way to make a will, so should this Alzheimers happen to me, my daughter will not have to have the burdens that I have had.
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Hi , I totally get it. My precious dad died earlier this year and so I inherited my demented mom. She has a room in my home. I have a younger sibling but forget that. What I have found good for us is sending her to daycare and when she gets home at 5 pm I give her ,her meds that make her sleepy, change her for bed and give her , her dinner and off to bed 'till 8am. On the weekends her aid comes and takes care of her 'till she falls asleep. One day at a time is the key. Plan your trip, I went to London for a week two months ago and I left the aid in my house with mom. I try not to think of her dependency on me , staying away from negative thoughts and living a day at a time and sending her to daycare , putting her to bed early and having a sitter on the weekends is all I can do . I also am not the same daughter but she is not the same mom. We are doing our mothers right , you are a great human being with a big heart . Hang in there sister ! Much love your way !
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