This is only my second post here. I posted some backstory about my almost 92 year old grandpa before and got some helpful answers. Maybe I just need to know I am not going insane. My grandpa was placed in an ALF back in October.( dementia, cognitive decline,wandering, threatening to hurt himself and others, had a loaded gun etc) Since then he has refused to see me at all and keeps calling DCF and the police with these wild stories. I was recently told by DCF that as long as he adds something new each time they will continue to open new cases. I was also told that with his dementia I can expact this for as long as he lives as he has nothing else to do with his time. I am the ONLY living family member who still speaks to him (when he was talking to me at least)I am literally at the point where I feel like I am being harrassed. Is that crazy? I mean I live in constant anxiety that I am doing something wrong because he tells everyone he meets these wild stories and obviously its working as we are going on the second DCF case and the third police call. I still call the facility every day to ask about him and have dropped off everything they tell me he needs. I am doing all I can and still get the short end of the stick. I almost want to give away my DPOA but I am worried what will happen. Does this ever get better?
Which is probably not helpful to hear in this particular instance.
The other "two things can be true" is around your connection to him. I'd agree with the advice to legally separate yourself, and this situation seems like it would be exactly appropriate for seeking a court dissolution of your POA. However, you can still decide to maintain whatever level of tie (including none) that works for you now or in the near future.
You could opt to check in with the facility, and either visit him or simply send him postcards or drop off a care package from time to time. Getting him legally supported by the state isn't exactly the same as washing your hands of him, it's simply doing what's best for all in a crappy situation.
Based on what you describe, if it was me, I'd get the POA dissolved, keep careful documentation of the calls/charges to help deal calmly with any more DCF/police activity, and then separately decide whether to maintain any kind of a relationship with or (non-legal/POA) support for grandpa.
You can walk away from him.
Why is this man not in Memory Care Assisted Living, btw? Perhaps if he was where he belongs, staff would not allow him to call and make false reports. Residents in Memory Care are on a much shorter leash than they are in regular AL, and with good reason. It's crazy to me that these bogus reports keep being investigated while folks get to stroll into stores with backpacks and get to steal up to $900 worth of merchandise w/o getting arrested! Our country is truly out of control, imo.
Best of luck to you.
But I would think anywhere would tire of this constant reporting from an old man at a care center.
@Laura, can you clue us in as to exactly what this gentleman is calling to report you and what's he reporting you for.
If you do decide to move him to memory care, check what the policy on phones is in the units you're considering. Legally, some phones need to be available for calling 911 for medical emergencies and other essential situations. But while some facilities have them right out in the open, others have them in discreet locations so that residents don't see them to be tempted or triggered by them. Or all outgoing calls might go through a receptionist who can screen whether the call is appropriate.
Have you talked with the facility staff about this? Procedure vary in different states and localities, but the often the staff can work with police to flag that a resident has dementia and that calls from the person need to be evaluated with that in mind.
Do you have statements from one or more of his doctors that he has dementia and lacks competence? Those can also help protect you if they are filed with the police and DCF.
Also, talk with his doctor(s) and the facility medical staff about medications that can calm him and decrease his agitation.
I wish you well. It's so kind and loving of you to do this for your grandfather and I'm very sorry that it is spoiling your lifetime of good memories with him. If he were himself he would not be putting you through this.
Good luck.
Or, resign your PoA and stop having any contact with him (you cannot "give it away" -- he has to get a court-assigned legal guardian, which may be a good solution in all of this).
If you stop going to the facility, then the CCTV will show that you were never on the property to do what he's claiming.
I would certainly do so with this action he is taking.
Otherwise know that whatever case is opened will soon close when they realize the number of times he is doing this.
To be honest I think I would get that resignation through the court, call APS and get him made a ward of the state, and resign having anything to do with him.
Afraid his dementia has taken a turn I wouldn't be willing to live with.
He isn't really your grandfather now as you know him.
This is sadly sometimes the way of things with dementia.
I have considered letting him be a warden of the state but I feel enourmous guilt as he has (in the past) always been there for me. I guess I have a lot to consider.