Anxiety: What are our options?
I know this is a moot point as I do not have it as bad as a lot of people but I fear becoming a caregiver again. My mother is 76 in good health physically. She still remembers most things except normal senior forgetfulness. My mental state was not good moving back home, but I've leveled out now.
Anyway, her anxiety is off the wall. I tell her I'd like to move out of state. I say I can go up in spring to do in person job interviews it all becomes negative. Nothing g I do has any merit. I am 38 and feel more like a 16 year old. I tried approaching meds but she rejected that saying you can get addicted to those. She doesn't sleep much these days either and is again sleeping pills.
I get parents don't quit being parents after their kids grow up, but I feel the codependent strain. I told her I would get a roommate when I move and she said it was dangerous, loss of freedom, etc. She has forgotten things like leaving the stove on low or going out and forgetting her keys. I take it as normal senior moments though.
What options I wonder? I would say senior living if we could afford the expense.
Your mother because of her anxiety and aging issues is probably afraid to now live on her own, but really that is NOT your problem but hers.
You need to just find a job in a city where you'd like to live/work and when that is all established you give your mother the notice that you're moving out. She doesn't need to know ahead of time, as that will just give her time to try and talk you out of it.
You are a grown a$$ woman now and you need to start acting like one, and get out on your own, without depending on any man or living with a parent.
It's time for you to spread your wings and fly and quit getting sucked into these unhealthy relationships.
And if your mother can't afford "senior living" that is on her, NOT you. You should not be spending one penny of your own money on her care or living situation. She'll need to apply for Medicaid to help her if needed.
The bottom line here is that you need to quit allowing these older folks to control what you do or don't do. First you had your late husband and now you have your mother, and I can only guess that there were probably others before them as well, as you seem to be afraid to once and for all take control over the one life you've been given....and that to me is very sad, as you will never know what you've been missing out on until you actually have the courage to take your life back, and learn how to be the independent(not dependent that you've been for far too long)woman that God made you to be.
It is her responsibility to find a senior living place and pay for it herself, there should be no "We".
Time to grow a backbone and move on with your life.
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Don’t stick around waiting to be her caregiver . To be blunt , maybe it won’t be needed , some people still die suddenly of a heart attack .
Your mother’s anxiety is her problem . She does not want to address it with her doctor , or take meds . Ok .
On you go to your new life . Don’t stick around waiting for her to become more dependent on you . Move away asap .
In the meantime, start connecting her with her local Senior Center, social services, senior housing options, elder law attorney (so she can assign a PoA that is NOT YOU), etc. As JoAnn29 often says, "You can show her the way, you don't have to be the only way." At an appropriate, and especially if she point blank asks, tell her you will not be her hands-on, live-in caregiver as she ages so she needs to start figuring that out. She won't like it, but you already know that, so be prepared for her Kabuki Theater, Act 1: Anger. She will eventually get over it as long as you have a clear and strong boundary (and living far away will help).
I wish you all the best as you move onward and upward!
At some point, you know, you have to take responsibility for your own life and your life-choices.
There is no such thing as "we" affording care. It is your mother and whether she has assets to allow her to afford them.
If not, then she is along with a whole TON of seniors just where she is. She can get a condo at a senior living facility, and she can get a nice trailer in a good park for herself. She has choices. It isn't your business. STOP TAKING IT ON.
Or if you DO choose to take it on then know that is YOUR CHOICE. To me it's a very bad one given your OWN anxiety issues. You will enable her to get more weak and more dependent. You two will become enmeshed and you will both be complaining about it for the rest of your lives.
I encourage you to make this move. I think it was a mistake to move in with mom. We tell ourselves these are temporary fixes. They seldom are. I think you understand already this is a BAD PATH you are on, and I think it is up to you to decide whether to continue to travel it for another two decades or not.
My mantra is...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.