Any advice on how to get long distance siblings to contribute to Mom's care?

To all who posted with so much love and support thank you, thank you, thank you! I took a lot of what you said in and came up with a plan - tell them plainly what needs to be done. Take emotion out of it. Then...Mom's cancer spread and now she needs daily radiation for at least 3 weeks. West Coast brother says he will fly in to help, POS local brother has a million excuses as usual. We shall have to see...

Silly question but have the four of you just sat down round a table and discussed how you can equally look after your mother. The brothers may not be able or willing to deal with personal care or if a long way away taking to appointments. But perhaps they could contribute something financial that would enable you and sis to have some breaks and some time off from being at work 24 hours a day.

Don’t ask, TELL them what you need them to do. It's possible they are uncomfortably seeing the changes in their mother and really don’t know how to deal. Especially if they are not in daily contact to see the changes.

A nebulous "I wish you could help me out" won’t get you anywhere. So put together a list of things you feel they are competent to do and ask them which ones they will do. Give them specifics and a timeline when each needs to be complete.

Writing checks, making phone calls, doing taxes, running errands, there has to be something that will help you out. If your family is anything like mine there are clearly defined roles for boys and girls. Girls clean, do laundry, make beds, cook. Boys do yard work and empty the trash. Work with their strengths.

AnybodyOutThere: Specifically inform them of the duties that you would like them to perform. Perhaps they are unaware.

Have you talked with brother(s) about what kind of help you could use? Specifically? Have they refused to help at all, or might they be willing to help out financially so you could hire help? Sometimes people cannot do hands-on caregiving, but would be able to help financially.

Can your mother afford additional aides and household help to give you and your sister more breaks? If not, will your brother kick in some financial assistance for you both, so that you can get help? Consult with a local social worker about getting help with additional aides, if needed. It may be time to make a plan B, in case your mother's care becomes too much with your other responsibilities. She may need an assisted living facility. All the best to you, your sister and your mother!

There are some people you need to be direct with. They don't intuitively see the problem. I know a friend who kept fuming that her husband would leave her family room table messy " doesn't he SEE the mess?". She was blown away that a simple, " would you please pick up the mail and put your drink glass in the sink before you go to bed" fixed the problem

Write a letter or email, whatever they respond best to. Sis and I need your help with mom.

For the far away brother ( if finances permit). We need X hrs of respite a week to 'xxx' ( sis go to lunch or a movie with a friend, shop, shut myself in my room and read a book. Could you pay for a sitter for mom? From far away, if you trust him with moms banking info, he could deal with her bills, taxes, insurance etc. Maybe a meal service for a couple of meals a week.

Local brother, can he shop for groceries, come over for a few hours on the weekend, if you schedule far enough in advance depending on job, he could probably do at least one or 2 appointments monthly.

Just be matter of fact, that Mom needs help, and you and sis need help. Follow up the letter or email with a phone call to long distance bro, and/ or inperson with local bro. Be prepared with concrete needs, not just general need help. I. E. "I'm trying to plan a week long vacation, and need to cover moms care during that time. What week you could help out?" "Mom has doctor appointments T//Thus every week, can you cover any of them? ( that is a LOT of doctor visits) I have nook club on Tues night, can you sit with mom?

If you're thinking about Assisted Living in the near future, local bro might could start scouting the situation.

Ask, and maybe you'll get some help. But if not, at least you'll know and can plan accordingly. If mom belonged to a local church, you might get some help there with volunteers to give you guys a break.

Some websites with interesting info
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/how-share-caregiving-responsibilities-family-members

https://hdsa.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/12048.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjFpej09ZP0AhUak2oFHYWED5AQFnoECCgQAQ&usg=AOvVaw18HaVz3mX-muVkXn0LrNl2

Just assume your brothers are never going to be there for in-person, hands-on help. It is futile to keep trying b/c their excuses and avoidance will increase your anger. Perhaps they can be persuaded to help pay for hired help sometimes so that you and your sister can take breaks. The brothers can choose between coming to take care of mom in person or sending money to cover the hired help. They may do neither and there may be no happy answer. If they want to stay out of the picture, they will. If they are willing to be even a little helpful, maybe they will chip in for Respite Care.

This is a small response to part of your question. Medical care is incredibly unorganized. That is a LOT of time visiting doctors. Does your hospital have a senior clinic with one doctor who can coordinate and supervise her care, most of the time? This was incredibly helpful to us.

What's ADL, besides an alarm company in Toledo? What's DH, besides "designated hitter"? What's VNA? And what's OP - Sheriff Andy's little boy? Please spare us non-professionals from all the abbreviations.

The dynamics in a family in your situation requires love, patience and understanding among the entire family. While it seems fair for everyone to participate in your mother's care equally, it may not be possible for the distribution of labor to be equal. Every family has its own issues and problems. So, start by understanding and appreciating any offers of help you are given even if you think those offers should be more or different.

Communication is huge in this situation! Sit down with your sibling who is nearby and make a list of the things you feel you and your mother needs. Then, let your other siblings know what those needs are - in a kind way. Assume they want to help and whatever you do, don't be demanding. You may have to adjust your expectations along the way but that's ok. Assume everyone is doing their best and wait. Over time, they may be able to do more as they become cognizant of her needs and as their own situation changes.

Some ideas are for there to be a rotation of caretakers. Perhaps some of your other siblings can come for a long weekend each month and give you a few days off. Perhaps they can pay for some in-home care a half day a week each or something similar. Perhaps they can make business calls for you from their homes. Or, perhaps you can all meet for a week at your mother's home and sit down and discuss what needs to be done and how to distribute the labor.

Don't expect the impossible. Your situation has been coming for a long time; these situations don't arise overnight. So, its going to take time to put things in place in a way that will go smoothly for everyone involved. As much as you may dislike the idea, finding a care home for your mother may be the best solution. She will likely resist and even make you feel guilty but don't let that happen. You are trying to do your best for her and that may take sacrifice on the part of all, including your mom. Keep her in her home as long as its possible, of course, but if no one is in the position to be there for her in her home, a different solution may be the answer.

Show appreciation for every effort your siblings make. My own sister created a situation with our mother wherein she was in absolute control and then demanded certain amounts of money (unattainable) and certain actions (also unattainable) from her siblings and then grew angry when she didn't get what she wanted. Being reasonable is key. No doubt your siblings want to help; they are as confused as you are about how to go about it. The more open the communication and the more mutual respect and cooperation, the easier it will be to give your mom the best care possible for your family.

Don't compare yourself(yes) with other families. Some families have unlimited resources. Most of us don't. Work within the limitations you have - don't expect the impossible. You probably have some ideal plan in mind; it probably won't happen that way. Use good reasoning, planning and understanding. You ALL love your mother.

Above all, keep showing love to one another. Show appreciation for all that your siblings do and be open to ideas you haven't yet considered. And number one, remember this is about your mom; her needs should be the primary concern - within reason.

Last, but not least, recognize the love you are showing your mother by doing your best to care for her. Do the best you can and don't beat yourself up for any mistakes you make. You, clearly, love her and want to share the privilege of caring for your mom with your siblings.

BTW, there are many resources available which can offer practical and even some monetary help. Also, there are support groups which can help you cope with the issues you are facing. Perhaps you can ask your siblings help you find those. That's a long-distance project which can prove to be invaluable.

Obvious question- have u discussed it with them?

Write a letter addressed to everyone including yourself and list exactly what everyone does, then explain that you and the sis mom lives with, never get time off.

Two choices if mom has the money, hire Caregiver Help for 8 hrs 3 days a week.
If mom doesn't have the funds,
Let the brothers and sister that don't do as much as you and the sister mom lives with, know what is needed and let the 2 brothers and 1 sis that doesn't do much, know if they can't help in person then it seems fair that they could each contribute money to pay for 1 hr day of Caregiver Help each per week.

That would cost approx $100 each per week for each of the 3 that don't contribute much.

Have copies made and send them to all the siblings.

3 ways of looking at this situation.

1st is more positive. The brothers may be willing to pay for assistance. You and sis need to make a list of mom's needs that do not require their in-person help: housecleaning service, grocery delivery service, lawn care service, pay for home health aide for a day..... They might be amenable to this kind of assistance but really don't know what mom needs. As the ladies involved in her care, you both know exactly the kind of care mom needs... and probably what each brother can afford. Make your list and contact both brothers to get this settled.

2nd is less positive. Many people feel it is the responsibility of female family members to care for the young and old. They may feel that mom doesn't need their help since you two are caring for her well. Let them know that neither of you are getting a day off. They might step in to stay with mom or hire a sitter/home health aide to do so and give you both breaks.

Least positive. They may not care and will not help. You won't know if this is the case unless you talk to each brother. If they will not "step up," realize that you can not force them to. In this case, find other resources to care for mom while you get some days off that you and sis desperately need.

There are already some good answers here. This is my addition: I am the out of town daughter. I have offered to come into town and be Mom's full time care taker when my siblings needed to get away. So far they have not taken me up on that offer. Now that I'm caring for my memory-challenged husband, it's much trickier... I agree with asking for specifics. About 5 years ago my Mother broke her femur and was coming home from rehab. My sister was working full time, and my brother was running his own business. My husband was OK at this point and I cancelled my teaching schedule and spent two weeks with Mom arranging all the physical therapist, occupational therapist and nurse visits and taking her to her orthopedic surgeon visits... and keeping her on her meds, making sure she did her exercises as instructed. The sentence that my sister used that helped me understand the situation was "Your mother needs you." I really had no idea what my responsibilities would be, and it was indeed a bit overwhelming with all the appointments. Mom could not have managed that all by herself. I wish you the best with getting help. And if your brothers don't step up, maybe they could pay for respite care for you. If not, burn out is definitely a possibility. You need R&R. Arizona State University has a course for caretakers. I took it. The focus was on taking care of the caretaker. If you are in AZ I would highly recommend. So far they've not offered it in many other states. But it would be worth a call to ask if it's offered in your area. If nothing else it could help them make a case for a great need in writing grants to make the course more available. The professor in charge is Dr. David W Coon, the course is called CarePRO:Care Partners; david.w.coon@asu.edu
Hang in there, your work and your health are very important.

2 days a week of doctor visits?

I would make a change with that first. Doctors tend to put people on a merry go round of not necessary office visits as frequently as they can get you to show up.

Be realistic in what any medical treatment can do for an 86 year old and arrange according to what is truly helpful and get rid of the rest.

Your brothers have made it very clear they aren't stepping in to be caregivers and that is their right.

My personal opinion is that a loving parent doesn't hijack their adult children's lives to prop theirs up. They hire help and look to their adult children to do some advocating and social needs. Other then that they are being selfish by deciding that their needs and wants are the only ones that matter. This attitude is why up to 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.

If your mom is too much for two caregivers to handle, it is time to reassess the situation and make changes that don't try to obligate 2 more of her adult children.

Best of luck sorting out the medical care and putting yourselves on the needs attention list.

"I just plain need their help".

Rephrase that to 'I just plain need help".

Then hire that help.

Adding pressure, guilt, nagging or threats won't make a sibling (male of female) move house, send money, call more or become hands-on. They will do as they choose. They have set their own boundary.

Let go of the expectation they 'owe' you or your Mom or will save you.

Take that anger & use that energy! Be your own saviour & arrange the help you need.

(I speak from being both sides of this situation now).

We used to drive 2 hours to take my Mom to Drs. She then asked not to go to Ortho as getting leg x-ray was painful, her doc had retired and the practice moved to other side of town. She also said she would refuse another hip replacement. So we stopped. She said she would refuse treatment if cancer came back so we stopped going to the oncologist. Eventually the only place we took her to were the dentist, memory care, eye doc and hearing aid person. She lived several more years and we would drive our 2 hours just to visit and be social. She lived in assisted living until the last 2 months of her life.

Letting go of any hope for help was one of the best decisions I have made. It freed me from a lot of the negative emotions you describe. I have one brother out of town who flies in to do home repair type of stuff. He offers moral support which has value. My sister lives 10 min. away and contributes nothing. I've begged. I've spelled out specifics. I've also communicated how close to the brink of insanity I am. Still nothing.

Having no expectations has been the most empowering thing for me. It's like permanent respite from all that emotional baggage. I hope you can find some relief.

AOT, welcome back!

It seems you have asked at least one brother directly and specifically fir help when your dad was ill and he said no in no uncertain terms.

During my parents' long illnrsses and eventual deaths, the realization I came to was this; each of the three of us had VERY different relationships with our folks and viewed our childhoods through different lenses.

One brother idolized our parents; I was and am pretty ambivalent and one brother had a really crappy childhood--really bad "goodness of fit" with both parents, for a variety of reasons.

What ALL of us "got" was that mom's needs exceeded our ability to provide hands on care. All 6 of us (I'm including spouses in the equation) worked full time and needed to continue to do so.

Mom was fine for about 15 years after dad's death and then suddenly, everything panicked her. We tried bringing help into her home, but she lived in an isolated area and having "company" only ramped up her anxiety.

We moved her into a nice Independent Living facility which worked well for 2 years. She had a stroke, was dxed with Vascular Dementia and broke a hip. It all added up to NH care.

My point is that your mom has passed the point where home is the right place. One thing that was great about Ind. Living was that there was a geriatrics doc on site and we were able to ditch the CONSTANT trips to various specialists who would check boxes and say "come back in 3 months".

Some of your siblings have clearly decided that they are not your mom's retirement plan.

I can appreciate your feelings.

Firstly, since you and your sister are her primary caregivers, you two should hash out what help you really want. Financial help to pay for caregivers and day programs? Respite care? Since they do not contribute, it’s more proactive to be as specific as you can about what you want when you ask for it, rather than say, “You two need to do more!” Instead, you need to say, “Mom needs more support. A PSW costs $30/hr and she needs at least 6 hours a week more in care. We are currently at our limit, so Mom needs $100 a week from each of you to help contribute her care.”

Be as specific as possible, and as neutral as possible. Don’t get all worked up and start yelling because that’s not how you get what you want.

We wanted my SIL to take my MIL for two nights a week. BIL refused. I was empathetic to his feelings and reasons, but very calmly and firmly said, “I can appreciate all of your feelings, but we are taking her for 7 nights. Let’s start off with say visits every Saturday. We’ll drop her off in the mornings, and you can bring her back at night.”

He was NOT HAPPY, and our respite is bare minimum, but it’s all we can get so we take it. In the end, I wasn’t really giving him a choice, but I was sweet as pie as I was saying it.

Have you flat-out asked them to help with specific needs? Sometimes siblings need things spelled out clearly and then they'll step up.

My brother lived a mile from my folks and I lived an hour away, but he did nothing to help until I said, "I need you to buy groceries today" and handed him a list. I'd tell him I needed him to stay with Mom so I could take Dad to the hospital, and he would. I called him to get something for my Dad at CVS, and he was there within a half hour.

He really stepped up, but only when I made it clear what I needed. I think he didn't have a great sense of how to help, plus I believe he didn't want to tread on my toes as I was the POA and the one who was doing the vast majority of the work. He just needed managing and directions.

All you can do with brothers is lay out the needs and how they can help. It’s fully their choice on how much, if any, involvement they want. No use being angry or bitter over their choices, as they are adults free to decide things for themselves. Meanwhile, you definitely need more help. Your mother in good health and right mind wouldn’t want this life for you. It’s time to decide how realistic it is to keep this up, I’d say it’s not sustainable, at least without real consequences to your health. Mom either needs to hire more in home help or move to a place with professional caregivers