Any more suggestions?

Oh my mom has already tried to get me to move in with her. And I have refused. And she told me I didn't love her,etc. My sister has 4 kids. She can't move in with her. My mom also doesn't like my sisters husband though i don't know why. So I don't see that happening.

It's the perspectives. For years, it was just dad and I caring for mom. My 7 siblings fled home immediately (dysfunctional family). I stayed home to help dad, mistakenly thinking a few years of caregiving. No. It actually came out to 23 years of caregiving mom. I thoroughly resented my siblings being able to live a normal life, rarely visiting. Only when I found this site did I learn that we all make decisions. My parents are responsible for their old age living arrangements. My siblings Chose not to help but live their own lives. That is their choice. Not an obligation. Just as I chose to stay. My decision. Very hurtful advice but I have come to accept it.

My mom's 6 siblings never visited much when mom was diagnosed with dementia. They lived their own lives. Sad thing was that even as a child, I still remember mom trying so hard to please her siblings. I accepted that mom was not their responsibility since she has children to take care of her. I just resented that they didn't visit mom. So, I can see why your mom's sister won't help since it's not her problem but the kids. I think your aunt wants you to move in with your mom to take care of her. I mean why you and not your sister?

What attitude? My POINT is that my Aunt CLAIMS she can't help my mother due to money but she has money to go on vacation all the time. And then my aunt has the audacity to tell ME to "get off your ass and help your mother"? No. She knows I am on social security just as my mother does. I am not saying that my Aunt can not go on vacation. I frankly don't care. But it's the way she treats me for not helping my mother when she is her SISTER and won't even help her!

I'm a bit surprised by your attitude toward your aunt. So what if she goes to Hawaii with her husband? They are likely able to afford it. Your mom is responsible for herself. Period. Not your aunt. Not your siblings. Not you. She doesn't want to accept that, you can't make her accept that. You can; however, take care of yourself. I am in the same situation and it isn't fun. I say "no" to giving dead beat brothers-in-law money when they claim they can't pay mortgage or for kids needs. Yet one of them just installed a 60 inch flat screen TV and re-did his family room. My siblings get upset because when i say "no" they go to siblings or to elderly parents and elderly parents never say "no. Then it comes back to me that they are fleecing parents and it is my fault. Someone will always blame you. Learn to say "no" and stick with it. Good luck.

Elmo, you recognize that your sister (and her 4 kids), your brother (and his 3 kids) cannot help your mom.....But YOU are in the same position as THEY are....YOU cannot help your mom either! Say no everytime she demands money from you and just keep saying NO!

Elmo… Your *mother* is responsible for your mother. Not your siblings, not your aunt, not you.

And God forbid she should marry in the hope of security alone. Be careful what you wish for!

With all the histrionics and the peculiar attitudes to entitlement, your mother clearly does have her issues. But haven't we all? If you think her mental health is poor enough to make her actually vulnerable, then you can always get in touch with agencies in her area - social services, her doctor, whoever - and report your concerns. But it doesn't sound as if things are bad enough for that kind of intervention. In turn, that means you can't take any control of your mother's life, therefore you cannot change anything, therefore you cannot take responsibility for her.

Regret that she is not happier, by all means; naturally, one would; but what's the guilt about? Never mind whether you *should* be doing more to support her, there is nothing you *can* do. Distinguish between guilt and appropriate concern, and feel better.

My sister has 4 kids at home and they are not financially about to help her. My bother? He is a single father raising 3 kids. Plus she has managed to anger him for various reasons so he wants nothing to do with her. So that leaves me. I do feel guilty for not helping her but at the same time I don't like giving her my money as I am financially strapped as is she. She moved on Arizona almost 8 years ago. She doesn't want to come back home because she claims she has no friends here, that it's too cold or too hot or whatever. I have a sister and a brother who live nearby me. My mom has a sister who live near her but she won't really help my mom out and I am not sure why. There is a way in the church to get food if you are financially strapped but she won't do that. She claims it is too far away and on and on and on. I don't know much about the area she is in and I don't know how to approach her regarding a possible mental illness. Just seeing her reactions to telling her she can't use my credit card tell me that she does not take well to being told no or stuff like that. She lives in Arizona and I live in Washington State. she used to come visit for 2 weeks in the summer but the last few years she has not had any money to do so. I blocked my aunt on Facebook because a few months ago when I told my mom I would not go live with her in Arizona, my mom flipped out. Telling me "You don't love me" etc. My aunt contacted me through facebook even though I had blocked her a while back for various things. She said to "Get off your ass and help your mother" and more. So I had to block her through the chat too. She claims SHE can't help my mother because she doesn't have much money yet she goes to Hawaii several times a year with her husband! My mother's brother passed away months ago and her other sister lives in NY and they don't get along. I feel bad for my mother because she has Lupus and other issues. But as I said, I am disabled myself and can only do so much. I wish she would get married so her husband could take care of her but that doesn't appear to be in the cards. It has almost happened twice now and both times it feel through. First guy died before the wedding and now this guy is a flake.

Elmopalooza, I am sorry if I came across rude, as that certainly was not my intention! I told you that I thought your Mom had a lucky break when this "homeless guy moved in and then moved out" as certainly he could not have been any good to her. And that I believe that you are doing everything you can from a distance, and that I wished you good luck, and how I recommended a careful relationship with your Mom. I am only going on the information you have given us. I believe that you are doing well with your circumstances, but your obvious concern of your Mom is clear, and without you going there to see her, and or connecting with her over the phone without her getting into your financial business is a difficult position for you. We only have limited information from you, and you have said that you couldn't help her out financially and you wouldn't go to see her, I do understand, but I don't see any other way around the situation. But Kamdushka has some very good questions for you which may help you to sort out how you could help her from afar. Again, good luck!

Elmo, posting here to vent is totally okay! We all do it. As someone said, you just shouldn't be surprised by mom's antics. You need to develop a practised response to them.

Elmopalooza: I've read all the comments and understand. Countrymouse is one that has always been a vital voice when I needed it. Try not to take others comments to harshly even if they are. There will be more of the same. Opinions of a situation are gonna be varied and rude at times especially if the commenters have no experience with the topic. With that being said I'd like to offer my take on your situation. And you can go with it as you feel necessary.

First and foremost it's obvious you love your mom. That's a given. But, from what I've deduced she's at a point where she's expecting you to bail her out of whatever hole she thinks she's in. In order for you to help her you first have to make sure in doing so will not destroy you. Being that you are in another state actually gives you the space and time to, as others have suggested, get your head in the right place, and protect yourself. Meaning, it's ok to help your mom, she's your mom, but it's not ok to allow her to take you down with her. If she's mentally ill and you fear for her safety there's resources in her area that you can get ahold of who know how to handle people with a mental illness.

She may have one, she may not.

Her asking for money isn't an indication she does though. Let me ask you some questions that will give me and others the bigger picture.

Has your moms behavior changed from when you were growing up?
Is what she's doing now different than you remember?
Do you want to help her?
If you do, how are you able to do so without it ruining your life financially and mentally?
Do you feel guilty for saying no to her?
Why isn't her siblings helping her?
Have you talked to any other family about her and have they told you why they won't step in?
How far away do you live from her?
Do you have family near you?
How long have you lived in another state?
Have you looked into resources where your mom lives? Resources meaning mental health crisis team, food banks, senior services etc.

With you getting the brunt of her asking for money and whatever over the phone you actually are in control. The only power she has is what you give her. It's ok to say no. She can't come through the phone and do anything to you. Yes she can and has made you feel guilty for not divulging your financial status to her but that's all she's got.

If you don't want to answer the questions on here that's perfectly fine. But please do answer them for yourself. Cutting her off completely may end up being your only option but I'm not going to tell you to do that. It's up to you. I hope this helps a bit.

Please don't hesitate to keep talking to us because I know all to well how it feels to feel like there's nobody to talk to and that isn't a feeling id wish on my worst enemy ever. We are her for you when you need us. Ignore those that make you feel like you can't post when u need to ;-)

I was once offered financial counseling help...facetiously more or less...the offer was to be the person who said "no" to my husband's requests for $50.00 a "no." Would probably have been a net gain if I'd done it.

Mom has no business assuming you should support her. Period. And the begging and having to say no is wearisome at best, especially coupled with the raw fear that she will go from mentally ill to unable to care for herself. if you CAN do anything to help mom besides send her $$, do it; if not, be reassured that we get it and you just need to vent.

Elmo, stacyb was not being rude, just telling how she sees it. I am not at all surprised by this turn in events, if any of it has happened to begin with. I believe you are only saying what you hear from your mom. If your mom is this needy, then she needs psychological help. It woukd do you good to do what you can to visit mom and see first hand what is going on there. From the sounds of it you are not able to do that. So, the only option I see is for you to detach from all of it. Block mom's number so she cannot call you any longer with her tales of woe. Since you have not seen first hand what is occurring you have no choice but to believe what you hear.

Being rude was not necessary!

Elmopalooza, I think you have asked for and received many excellent suggestions to your question, and you've answered back that you have No plans, nor desires, nor capacity to help her out in any way shape or form, and that to many of the suggestions given to you, so it seems that you are doing exactly what you intend on doing, Nothing. Which is certainly your prerogative, and probably the wisest action, as from the information you have given, is the means to self preservation both financially and emotionally. I'm not sure what else you are looking for, as clearly you have made up your mind and now will have to live by your choices. I do understand your frustrations, but it is clear that your Mom does need some mental health assistance, but if the suggestion comes from you, it will be denied on her part, as you make it sound as if she is only interested in your money. This man that moved in still to me, seems possible to have been made up to a certain extent, as you had mentioned your Mother's religious beliefs, being Mormon, and I don't believe that living together is allowed. But many do not follow the strictestgguidelines of their own religion, so it still is possible that he did indeed move in then move out. But like you have said many times, you do not live in the same state, nor have the intention, ways and means to visit her. I still stand behind my suggestion that this too, could be a ploy to get your attention. In any rate, this plan of hers to marry him, fortunately did not pan out. I don't know what more you want in the way of ssuggestions from this forum, but I wish you well and I hope that you are able to find a way to have a careful relationship with your Mom that doesn't hurt you further, good luck!

My mother probably is mentally ill. Even my 17 year old niece can see it. But she won't get any help. And I would not even dare tell her I think she is mentally ill. I can't go visit her as I have no money. Oh I am not surprised. Just hoping that God would finally give me a break. But apparently he doesn't think I need one.

Elmo. The never ending soap opera of your mother's life, in her narrative of it anyway, would drive me to drink if she were mine. You really do have my earnest sympathy.

Just one thing, though. Promise me, please, that you will Stop Being Surprised. You *know* she's going to do this. Find a place you can take your head to where you just hear her latest piece of melodrama as if it were a play on the radio - not your life, not even real life. This is Planet Mother.

So, then you keep listening to the endless episodes: so that one day, if the real person rather than the character needs your help, you'll hear that message too. You're there In Case. But you don't let her drama be your life - it's just something you have on in the background.

Elmo, does your mom get any help with her mental illness? Does she have a caseworker or therapist or someone guiding her in life? Do you "get" that she's "not right"? Is she developing dementia?

Before you visit, make sure she checks for bedbugs.

Okay I give up. My mom calls me today to tell me "The wedding is off"! Apparently the guy moved in a few days ago. He is a packrat and had a ton of crap. he has done nothing but watch tv. He doesn't help around the house or anything. Today my mom gets home from work to find that he is gone! Moved out. So now she is back to being on her own again. She had to beg for her job back because she told them tomorrow would be her last day. She was able to get back part time. But I feel like God is up there laughing. And I'm not finding the joke funny anymore. I am about ready to slam my head into the wall. Also apparently my mom found out from her neighbors that this guy was HOMELESS.My mom is not even sure he was on social security or disability after all.

My mom got part of my dad's money when he passed. I got the other half because I am disabled. She barely makes 2000 dollars a month. I don't know how much this new guy makes.

My point is that my mother is not going to listen to any of that. She never listens to stuff like that. I am disabled so I am not able to care for her if something were to happen. Just the facts. I can only do so much. She is a grown adult and she should know to think of these things. What she does with her money I have no idea.

Joannes, How long ago was your Dad in a nursing home and memory care? In my area for a decent memory care facility it runs in the area of $7,000.00 a month. Nursing homes start at about $9,000.00 a month. My mom's house is about to go on the market to pay for her care. Hopefully that money will last long enough for her to either pass, or it will be a Medicaid only nursing home, not very nice places in comparison to self pay, as she is in a completely self pay memory care now.

Elmo, I understand that you are not your mother's POA, that you cannot go running to her side to make things happen aand that she is not (yet) on Medicaid, only Medicare and that you and she live in different states and that she is handling her own affairs. I was not suggesting anything more than to have you be aware that all your Mom has to have happen to her, is to get sick with something serious, and everything will change. You could talk to her by phone about getting her affairs in order, or at least ask if they are already and suggest that it is time, at her age, for her to do that. She MAY need Medicaid....in fact, should she EVER before she dies, need to be in a nursing home or other type of facility, she WILL eventually need Medicaid to pay that bill. Yes, it is true that not everyone qualifies....at least not until they've used up ALL of their own money except their house, one car and $2000 in the bank or coming in each month. Nursing homes can cost over $50,000 per year. We had to pay out over $75,000 of my Dad's investments to private pay for his monthly fees of up to $5600/mo to be in Memory Care when his dementia was so bad he could not stay at home anymore. Whatever money your mother has invested or saved will be gone fast if anything happens to her health. It seems clear from what you are saying that neither you nor your sister intend to take her in, and that is the reason I mention urging her to put a plan together while she can do so. Very few elderly simply die in their sleep one night. Most get illnesses and have a long slow decline of some type that requires they have help...either in the home or in an facility. If you and your sister want your own lives, you should try to understand that getting her to put her affairs in order, is what will enable that to happen for you two. Otherwise, you will be getting the calls from a hospital, or neighbors, or police etc when something happens and it will be VERY hard to say NO then, if you have trouble saying no now. I am not trying to lecture and I won't answer any more....it's just that I've been through the experience of seeing my parents handling their own affairs, and having plenty of money to last the rest of their lives, and saw just what a mess it was when Dad got dementia and could not be at home. I was lucky that they already had their affairs in order and had an attorney, but it's still been hell for me for 3 years now, trying to take charge of everything they cannot do. SOMEONE has to step up to the plate when these things happen...and in my case there was only me. In your case, no matter how it goes, unless you are just going to walk out of her life, at some point one of you will have to step up to the plate. So the best way to avoid the things you want to avoid, is to be sure she has created all her final plans while she still can. That's all I am saying. I am not trying to offend at all.

Elmo, you asked for help and suggestions. I think you have received many. If you do not take the time and energy to take care of things now then who knows what you may have to unravel later. Let mom figure it out knowing you may not be happy with her decisions.

And as I said before, my my lives in another state and my sister and I are too busy with our own lives and neither of us have the money to go down there.

Look I am not my mother's power of attorney and what she does with her life is her problem. I have my own life to worry about and can't worry about hers. she is a smart woman and hopefully she will figure things out. Again she is NOT on medicaid and I don't think she even qualifies. Not everyone does.She is only on Medicare and she has to pay for it every month.

Elmo, I do not know the range of Social Security payments to people receiving it. Just as an example, my mom receives about $100 a month. Her husband $600 a month. They both have retirement checks as well, his about 5K, Mom's about 2K. Don't know if that impacts Social Security benefits at all. In my mind it should, but that is beside the point.

When they married almost nine years ago. He made Mom his POA's over all affairs, she was diagnosed with dementia ten years ago. What sense did that make? None because of the diagnosis. Thank goodness he has not been diagnosed with dementia and was able to change his POA's finally about three years ago. Thank goodness nothing had happened to him as there is no way my Mom would have been able to make decisions for him, she couldn't have even for herself. She would have been completely overwhelmed had something happened. Then what?

Even if he is not needing her assets and they have just developed a nice friendship or love, it's still important, that before a marriage, she get advice from an attorney, with respect to what does she need to do about the rest of her life. IF she were to need Medicaid to help pay for a nursing home, or memory care or any other kind of assistance with health needs because she was running out of money, or, if they marry, and he needs the same thing....Medicaid looks back into your finances for 5 years and if money has been 'gifted' in any way to others, there are penalty periods and one has to wait to get their help...so it's important to know this ahead of time, before any decisions are made that could hurt her in the end .....or him. And if they marry, then they each become responsible for the other, first...rather than her family for her or his for him....and this can make certain things become very difficult. That is why I say, she should have her will, her health care power of attorney, other paperwork to instill other power of attorney choices in place before a marriage....or at least discuss all this with an elder care attorney. Otherwise, say, they marry, and then she has a stroke or gets cancer or some other awful health issues....then HE becomes the power of attorney who makes all the decisions about her and what she needs. And he inherits all the money/assets, house, car etc....if nothing else had been put in writing. This may not matter to you siblings, but then again, it might. There maybe nothing to inherit anyhow, but then again, there may be lots. And you may be perfectly happy if someone else has responsibility for her health care down the road....but then again, it often seems to happen that without thinking it through ahead of time as to all that could happen, kids are surprised to discover that they've lost control of decisions and the other person who has it is not wanting to do things as the kids would like. If all this is considered up front, problems are avoided. And especially if your Mom has assets like investments or a house or car. She may intend that you kids should get those things, but if the plan is not clear, Medicaid could get them all...well...at least the house and force all the money to be spent on health care before Medicaid would pay for anything...or the new husband could get it all because HE becomes the 'next of kin' once they would be married. And, a reverse situation could happen if new husband (should they marry obviously!) becomes ill, it will be expected for your Mom to care for him and handle all his health care needs, before any of his own family assumes responsibility...unless things are carved out ahead of time. These are some reasons it all needs to be looked at. And it must be while Mom is still of sound mind to make her own decisions because it's too late and will cost much more money to get guardianship of her and her affairs if you wait some time, and it's discovered that she has dementia or Alzheimer's etc, and is not capable of deciding for her self. Just trying to clarify all the possibilities that make it important that everyone who is getting older take care of these things while they still can and that kids push this issue with their parents if they know their affairs are not in order. It avoids big messes later on.

he is on social security himself according to my mom so I doubt he is out for her money. I don't know much about him. I have not met him as I live in another state.

Just say no. So she says things. It's her problem. Just keep saying no. She is saying these things to control you.

I would go with my sister or other siblings, and sort of 'gang up' on her.....about her finances. And do it before this 'marriage'. She is not on Medicaid yet, but she or he may need it before they die!! You have to put your financial plans in place, and if she doesn't want YOU or your siblings to know what she has, or whether or not she has her will, trust, POA paperwork or anything else worked out already (even funeral and burial plans) then I would suggest to her it is time to pay for a planning session with an elder care attorney, so that the lawyer can go over all her financial stuff, investments, etc, and help her see what needs to be in place, BEFORE a marriage, to safeguard her for the rest of her life. Should she marry, and a few months later have a stroke, or develop Alzheimer's does she think a new husband will be there to care for her and support her the rest of her life? COULD he be interested mostly in her assets or looking for a 'free ride' for himself.... does he have health issues to where he's on the verge of needing his own caretaker for the rest of HIS life? This all sounds cynical, but from what I've read on this site, happens more than any of us thought possible!! IF she thinks you kids have to give her money, when she's been working and is still on SS...then I would be calling her on that, and saying she needs someone to look at her finances to help her create a plan to live the rest of her life, with or without a new husband!! If she has assets....then she needs to tap into them and take care of herself and you kids need to tell her that your lives go on for many years after hers.....and you need to stick to your financials plans for your own well being in retirement! Something is not right here.... otherwise, she is simply a narcissistic abusive mother who thinks everyone's lives revolve around meeting all her needs, and she still needs that session with an elder care attorney to get her affairs lined out so she can take care of herself!