My parents are still both healthy and living on their own but I'm starting to worry about my mother. She's getting very bored and has very little options of things to do due to her failing eye sight. We have made suggestions of word puzzles, crocheting (which she used to love), writing in a journal anything to keep her mind sharp but my father is a very stubborn man and wouldn't understand her sitting around doing these things so she's just always cleaning something and on edge and sad most of the time. I don't know how to help her, he has a garden and I suggested she do this also but there isn't a lot of space for another, it's just getting hard. I can't visit as often as I want, I usually try to visit every 2-3 weeks and send a full day. I try to call but again she can't be on the phone, it's just a hard situation all around and I'm starting to feel very sad about her situation and guilty for not being there for her more. Any suggestions on how to help with the boredom? Thank you so much.
Nancy
Coloring books for adults
If it is a new thing, then do what a lot of people have recommended, talk to his doctor, etc.
I used them for my mom a couple days a week for about 2 hrs. Each visit, and the Visiting Angel vacuumed and dusted and also fixed or brought a snack to eat while they just talked and got to know each other. If you’re ever not thrilled with the person coming, the agency wants to know and they will send someone else.
Aging includes losing interest in the things that were once enjoyed, more difficulty focusing, and less activity means less appetite. Enjoying favorite TV shows and music is sometimes enough to make a nice day for them.
You have a caring heart. God bless you with the wisdom and guidance you need.
Consider that 'boredom' may be a mask for depression or other psychological, emotional or physical conditions/feelings. She might be feeling confused as her brain isn't working like it used to (none of our brains are-overall).
I would recommend, in addition to audio books, finding volunteer(s) who could spend time with her. Perhaps talking about her life history and someone recording her words - in a journal "bullet style" format would bring back loving-positive memories.
It is not up to you to fill up these holes 'all the time.' It sounds like someone needs to talk to your Dad - while he may not like (nor appreciate) that "mom" - and their lifestyle - needs to be changed from what he is accustomed to - which may be scary for HIM and HIM getting HIS needs met (by her), this is a family dynamic situation.
It is a sad situation - feel that and get those feelings out.
If your parents have a good relationship, your dad can learn (to want to and) how to support your mom where she is now - and what she needs now. It might be harder for her to change than him (?) because she might be used to caring for him and not thinking of her own needs, which women have been conditioned to do - for decades.
It seems worth some focus to involve your dad as he can perhaps be a primary support and encouragement to your mom to do somethings that keep her engaged in her own life. Gena.
Let us know how things go. If Dad is fighting Dementia, he has his own battles. If he has always been like this, she is programmed to do what he wants.
Your Mom needs your support. God Bless You for Caring!
as her health declined with a bunch of “ odd symptoms”- unexplained 40lb weight loss, forgetfulness, nausea, unsteadiness... it became difficult to move her away. She passed away in her bed peacefully at 74.
The guilt of not being able to “rescue her” and make her life better is overwhelming at times. After her death 7 months ago, doctors have seen my fathers irrational, adamant, stubborn, and belligerent behavior, and he is now medicated on a strong “chill pill” and off alcohol.)hospital detox after a drunken fall). I should’ve stepped up and taken on my fathers behavioral issues sooner. In the back of my head, I feel like I could’ve made my mom’s life happier, instead of hearing her saying “I’m ready to go whenever God takes me” at 74!!!
Do what you can to step in an corral that behavioral issue of dad’s. Talk to his doctor, have a family intervention, try medication... ANYthing is better than nothing.
Definitely a good idea to let the doctor know what's going on. Sometimes that will fill in a picture that the doctor has been concerned about and allow for improved treatment or better diagnosis.
I agree that there are organizations that help the sight-impaired. You might look into what the public library has to offer. They can deliver books and videos to homebound folks. Maybe your parents could watch a movie once in a while?
I also agree that your dad's controlling behavior is unreasonable. Maybe you could begin by talking with his doctor. Do you have permission for their doctors to share information with you? If not, it is probably time to seek permission. Your parents would need to fill out a form with their doctors giving you permission. Also you could seek healthcare Power of Attorney.
Are your parents connected to any social groups, such as a church?
You are right to be concerned. Aging in place can be quite lonely.
Why can’t she be “on” the phone? A few good phone “visits” with old friends and family could be encouraged and a good way to rekindle those relationships and to plan future meetups or home visits.
do they still drive?
I’d wonder why Mom is afraid to defy him and do her own thing. If her eyesight is failing, crocheting may not be an option. Puzzles as well. You say “we”. Are there other sibs or family who could visit and observe what’s going on? Dad may need to have a little one on one counseling from a family member about his treatment of Mom. If he is, as you say, healthy, he should be able to understand that his treatment of Mom stinks and he needs to “back off”.
For Mom, there are organizations for the sight-impaired who offer aides for them. You can google them in your state to see what might help. And, if Mom hasn’t been to an ophthalmologist lately, it’s time for her to go.