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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Until he got sick with pneumonia this year, his memory is not the same. he needs help with meds, Im his 64 year old biological child that hasn't really been more than a weekly phone call in his life.
I am uncertain if you even live in the same area? Can you tell us a bit more? How far away from your father do you live? Who told you that your father is currently not thriving? Who lives near and supports your father? Are you more or less "estranged" from your Dad?
I think it's difficult to give you answers without much information from you but I would start here 1. If you don't live near dad it is time for a trip. 2. Once with your father you will firstly assess him yourself. If you want to play some games with him go to youtube, look up the SLUMS and to Montreal or MoCa tests. They are about 20 to 30 little games: such as a picture of a lion, a rhino and a camel with "name these animals". 3. Once this is done you have a sort of idea what's going on. You can see and judge where and how he is living and how safely. If he's driving you will want to take a ride with him. You will want to talk to others he has interacted with (his garage attendant, his corner grocer). 4. Get a good physical and neuro evaluation.
This is the starting place. Now dependent on whether or not you are estranged, and in the case of your being so, then I would call APS in your Dad's area and ask for a wellness check. They will ring the doorbell and speak with him and that's going to be a whole lot of info right there.
Pneumonia will do a number on someone Dads age. It even causes Demenia like symptoms. They are good, till they are not. He may never bounce back. You don't have to physically care for him. You should though find out whats going on and find resources to help him. If he has money, I suggest an Assisted living. If no money maybe LTC with Medicaid. All really depends on his own. If no POA, may need the State to take over his care.
Up until May I was in ID. I came to visit for his 88th Bday, I'm still here. It became apparent he can no longer do things all by himself. I am here until I figure out what exactly he needs. I'm one of 4 children. I am his only biological child. He is in denial. My sister comes once a month or so, stays for 7-10 days, then she leaves. I should also say she is his POA, and all financials. Its been that way for years. But, she wont commit to getting him the help he needs. I never planned for this nor have I had to, but now I am here, I am caring for him 24/7. He doesn't need skilled nursing, because he is relatively healthy. He's just 88. I just have no idea where to begin.
Since it sounds like you don't have much of a relationship with your father, I would just call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them come out and do an assessment and let the state take over his care. You are not responsible for your father and not obligated to care for him.
Thanks for adding to your information, dm. It helps. This is for you and Sister to work out. You are there now and it is clear to you, seemingly, that your Dad can't be alone with sister there 1/3 of the month. I think you and she have to work this out together, recognizing this isn't a safe situation, and you can't give up your own life to be there with Dad now.
This is all about placement and Sister clearly knows dad is failing if she is doing all the executive functions. After Sister and you talk, and assuming you can agree dad can't be alone, then you move on to the placement question and talking to your dad.
I will say this to you. Don't enable dad's staying where he is by YOUR being there. Make a hard and fast "going home" date and inform Dad and Sister. AND if sister and dad are not cooperative, will not recognize need, are in denial then I will say one final thing to you: I have been on this forum for 5 years. In that time I have seen countless people attempt to get their elders into care, gone to war with siblings, and all to no avail. Then the elder dies in care and everyone kicks themselves or one another around with guilt for a few years. Don't do this. If Dad chooses to stay home and is unsafe, then there is little you can do about that. If sister is POA and refuses to make him safe there is little you can do about that. A fight for guardianship would cost 10,000. Want to cough that up only to end with EVERYONE hating you? If you speak to all and they choose to do nothing then you will eventually get "the call". Guess what? You would have got the call were dad in a nursing home as well. And he will die in his own home by his own choice after a good long life. My humble opinion now having seen what I have seen. My best wishes to you.
Honestly by being there you are just prolonging a bad situation. You are not the POA, so you really don't have a say in all of this. Tell your sister you are going home at the end of the month and if she needs help making arrangements you will be available until then. If you leave and nothing has been set in motion, call APS and make a report.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Can you tell us a bit more?
How far away from your father do you live?
Who told you that your father is currently not thriving?
Who lives near and supports your father?
Are you more or less "estranged" from your Dad?
I think it's difficult to give you answers without much information from you but I would start here
1. If you don't live near dad it is time for a trip.
2. Once with your father you will firstly assess him yourself. If you want to play some games with him go to youtube, look up the SLUMS and to Montreal or MoCa tests. They are about 20 to 30 little games: such as a picture of a lion, a rhino and a camel with "name these animals".
3. Once this is done you have a sort of idea what's going on. You can see and judge where and how he is living and how safely. If he's driving you will want to take a ride with him. You will want to talk to others he has interacted with (his garage attendant, his corner grocer).
4. Get a good physical and neuro evaluation.
This is the starting place.
Now dependent on whether or not you are estranged, and in the case of your being so, then I would call APS in your Dad's area and ask for a wellness check. They will ring the doorbell and speak with him and that's going to be a whole lot of info right there.
I surely do wish you the best.
You are not responsible for your father and not obligated to care for him.
This is for you and Sister to work out. You are there now and it is clear to you, seemingly, that your Dad can't be alone with sister there 1/3 of the month.
I think you and she have to work this out together, recognizing this isn't a safe situation, and you can't give up your own life to be there with Dad now.
This is all about placement and Sister clearly knows dad is failing if she is doing all the executive functions.
After Sister and you talk, and assuming you can agree dad can't be alone, then you move on to the placement question and talking to your dad.
I will say this to you. Don't enable dad's staying where he is by YOUR being there. Make a hard and fast "going home" date and inform Dad and Sister.
AND if sister and dad are not cooperative, will not recognize need, are in denial then I will say one final thing to you:
I have been on this forum for 5 years. In that time I have seen countless people attempt to get their elders into care, gone to war with siblings, and all to no avail. Then the elder dies in care and everyone kicks themselves or one another around with guilt for a few years.
Don't do this. If Dad chooses to stay home and is unsafe, then there is little you can do about that. If sister is POA and refuses to make him safe there is little you can do about that. A fight for guardianship would cost 10,000. Want to cough that up only to end with EVERYONE hating you? If you speak to all and they choose to do nothing then you will eventually get "the call". Guess what? You would have got the call were dad in a nursing home as well. And he will die in his own home by his own choice after a good long life.
My humble opinion now having seen what I have seen.
My best wishes to you.