I don't know what has happened to my family. After all these years, I'm still shaking my head in disbelief. My sister is the only one coming for Christmas, and the thought of that makes me cringe. All she does is put me down and criticize how I do things while she does NOTHING to help my mother. I am so NOT looking forward to it. I'm going to try and focus on the positives...having my 94 year old mom still with us, my best friend coming to protect me from the wrath of my sister, all the great food, etc. I'm so tired of my siblings. We used to be a close family...all of us together on Christmas. I just don't know what happened..
1. to cover up the fact she does jack for Mom
2. to score brownie points with her
3. because she enjoys making you feel like s___ in front of others (just as she did when you were kids); and
4. because she thinks you're a yellow tail.
If every time you bump into each other she's going to make you feel less than, then there shouldn't be a place for her in your life and your home.
Pick up the phone and tell her you're not having her BS this Holiday Season. A written note will be interpreted as you not having the guts to speak to her directly.
The dread of the "talk" was worse than the actual "talk". Mother has played her last hand of manipulation and coercion.
We actually enjoy each other w/o Mother's coloring our thinking about each other, There's hope for better relationships after all this, I think.
Nobody really knows how much I'm doing for my mother, because they're not doing it. So they tend to underestimate it, and view the occasional visit or phone call they do as a real contribution and even a sacrifice. I noted this Christmas that nobody knew what to get for my mother and one sister even called to ask me what I was getting her. If they actually spent any time around her they'd know what she needs and what things would make her life easier. In the past few years I've bought my mother a Keurig, an electric corkscrew, a set of Bluetooth headphones for her TV, and a foot scrubber that sticks to the bottom of the tub with suction cups so you can wash your feet without bending over or standing on one leg.
This Christmas I bought her a Clapper. They gave her gift certificates to restaurants and nail salons, which she can't use unless somebody takes her (and they don't offer). They're just out of touch with her day to day reality, And mine.
When my son admitted to me that he and his wife NEVER got their kids anything for Christmas because by the time all the grandparents, step-grandparents and cousin gifts rolled in, they felt they could get away with saying it was all from Santa. He and his wife are millionaires, and no, they don't OWE me anything, but last year, a few weeks after Christmas, my hubby asked "Hey, did we get something from B&B and didn't acknowledge it? No, they just didn't do anything. So, it's not just sibling stuff, it's family stuff and honestly? I haven't liked Christmas since 1980. SO much work, so many obligatory parties with people I don't want to see. Our family is in disarray this year, the family party is on Saturday, I am hosting it so I HAVE to go. Yuck. I've had 2 major surgeries this year, not one sib so much as called me. I don't feel well, I don't want to go to or do ANYTHING, but obligation calls. Next year, I'm giving "obligation" a fake phone number!
Thank you everyone for letting me vent !! Im sure I will live through it and now that I have been able to "let it all out" here, I feel better and ready to forge on! I wish everyone a Happy and Merry Everything!!! xoxo
Of course, our mother has welcomed him back because he's her son, and she can't understand why I don't try harder to be closer to him! He's had more than one heart attack and very invasive cancer surgery twice. I guess I'm the bad guy. I love his wife. (his 3rd). I know when mom is gone, I won't try to have holidays with him. We have a younger brother (by 9 years) who is my best friend. He feels the same way. I know this doesn't make you feel better to know there are a lot of sibs out there in your shoes. But we feel your pain. Do your best to have a merry Christmas.
I am thankful he was here with us to help when my dad died 5 years ago just days before Christmas. I love him for that. And he stayed for months to help us clean up and sell mom's house at the expense of his own family.
So yes, I have a lot to be thankful for with memories, some horrible with dad dying, but just being together with mom.
I will most likely never see my brother again unless by some miracle we'll jet to Germany. He has a debilitating spine disease which is pretty much fatal. My mom certainly couldn't go there in her condition and I can't leave her. So it is bittersweet this Christmas.
Despite all the bickering and drama over the years, we still love each other. That I know is true.
I'll be hanging out with the in-laws Christmas Eve (20 plus) and making small talk. In my mind I'll be wishing it was 50 years ago and I was at my Grandma and Grandpa's house, eating the best ham ever and ripping open a package with the best Flatsy Doll or Barbie ever! And then getting my jammies on at home waiting for Santa.
I do feel blessed and I am thankful for that I have to tell you. I love Christmas, no apologizes. It's not just the 'stuff'. It never has been. Well, a little bit, I was a kid. Christmas is about Christ for me. The gift of everlasting life is what it's all about. Merry Christmas!
Then as the meal and day progresses.....if you get a verbal put down, you can ask your sister why she cannot honor your meal and your home with pleasantness and positivity.
Why oh why cannot these people see how they steal our joy? Enjoy your good friend. She is probably more of a sister to you anyhow!!
Me, I am so bummed out that after cooking meals and holiday dinners for other family members for decades, there has not been a reciprocal invite in at least 15 years. This year I just invited my own 2 kids and 2 "orphaned" bachelors who I am sure will appreciate a home cooked meal! I am trying to be as relaxed and casual as I can get away with!!! Merry Christmas to you all!
Bet that would shut her up.
At least you have a friend to back you up. Maybe, at some point, your friend could say, 'wow, your mom looks REALLY TIRED - so I think we should wrap everything up. Don't you agree, (sister)? ' Then, usher her out of the door!
Bottom line - if it isn't working for YOU - make your own traditions. Who says extended family Christmases have to be on the 24th or 25th? All of our elders grumble but remember what it was like when they had to be schlepping kids around on the holiday - some whine about being alone, some volunteer with those truly alone
it was only after I turned 42 that I started setting boundaries and doing what works for my little family OVER sacrificing for our elders.
I always hated the pressure to decorate, spend, buy, and do all the things that have become tradition, again "just because" it happened that way.
I really feel people should just spend any holiday the way they want...kicking back, shoes off, chilling out, doing nothing if they wanted to. Is it really as enjoyable when people feel they "have to do it" just b/c it's a tradition?
Of course, there's the intense marketing and the probably millions of dollars made from people who do adhere to the well developed social traditions. Retailers benefit perhaps more than some people.
I'm so, so sorry for you, and I completely sympathise. Laying down ground rules in advance is a very good idea, I agree, but if your family dynamics are anything like mine even doing that would set the cat among the pigeons, no matter how diplomatically you put it. Although I know, rationally, that my sister never intended to stress me out she invariably did so; and all I can do, again, is sympathise with how wearying and miserable it is to fend off the constant stream of flat contradictions, audible holding of breath, pointless second-guessing and only-trying-to-help suggestions - usually ones that are an astonishing insult to one's intelligence... Ah. I'm not going to be cheering you up much, here, am I?!
Well. Having your friend with you sounds like a great idea - be sure to delegate to her the task of keeping your sister's attention engaged throughout. Tell her not to try to intervene directly, but to divert your sister and keep her entertained (and thereby out of your face).
The key difference for me is that I always did find my siblings a bit of an ordeal, so at least I don't feel I've lost anything I valued. I'm sorry you have the additional sadness. All I can say is that perhaps, as time goes on and circumstances shift once more, you will all find each other again.
Keep one special foodie treat by to reward yourself once it's all over! And finally, a precious thought from my own dear sister, which should tell you what kind of vibe she tends to give off, and I quote: "nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be."
There didn't seem to be much point in this, especially when it meant traveling halfway across the country. My brother quit doing it. My mother, however, would chew the guilt in if I didn't come. I hated that, because really the only reason to come was so she could feel like she'd done Christmas. Whoever showed up would eat, then she would give us each a check so we could buy ourselves something, and soon we would leave.
I love the reason for the season, but I dislike the phony stuff that goes on. The family is like a group of polite strangers doing something that they feel like they ought to do... or face the wrath and hurt feelings of Mom. (And that is how I really feel. Making cookies and candies for others makes it a lot better, which is what I'm doing now.)
Windy - I like the suggestion of emailing your sister and telling her in advance that you will NOT engage her criticisms at Christmas and if she can't be civil then she should find somewhere else to go.
I hate all the stress that Christmas brings out in adults. I wish we could stop pretending that our families are like a Currier & Ives Christmas card.
My traditions are almost gone. I can't remember the last time I went to Midnight Mass.
No prayer was said before the meal. No thanks given for those who gathered. The "it's all about the children" has been taken too far. Last year we stood around watching all the kids open up a ridiculous number of presents. It was as if the point of the gathering was to watch the kids tear into presents like a lion into a gazelle. Ugh. I wish it were over already.
I'm sure you and I are not alone. I bet this thread will get busy fast.
Or if you allow her to come and she starts in, tell her"
(a) This is a holiday season and you would prefer that she restrain herself so that what family still gets together can enjoy themselves.
(b) If she feels you're such a poor caregiver, why doesn't SHE take over your mother's care?
To have to have a friend to protect you suggests to me that this sister has been overbearing and intimidating you for a long time. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you've tolerated it, and why she does it?
But find a way to explain to your mother first that you're going to stand up to your sister so she isn't upset by the confrontation, which should as much as possible be done so that your mother isn't present at the time.
Or make a joke of it. Set out a jar and tell her that every time she criticizes you she needs to insert a dollar bill in the jar.
I'm a big advocate of "put up or shut up."