Anyone grateful for the break the virus has given?

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Anyone grateful for the break the virus has given?

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I am heartbroken for the families who have lost a loved one to the virus. And my condolences go out to you all. I have been caring for my mother who is physically impaired NOT mentally and she lives at an assisted living house since 2013 because I still must work. While working, I have been running my self into the ground every day, week and month taking care of my moms wants and weekly Dr appointments. Since March 13 I have not been able to enter my mom's facility, I take items to her weekly and leave items at the door and I talk to her daily but this has been a wonderful much needed break as I have no family, friends who care or siblings. I feel bad that so so many have lost their lives but, I have been grateful for the much needed and well deserved break. Anyone guilty but grateful?

Burnout Coronavirus Family Caregiver

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At least two people have told me, quite independently, that I look a lot more relaxed and well since lockdown. So I'm not just imagining the stress my mother causes me - just hadn't realized it was so obvious!

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Yup, me too. I never thought it was possible to be so heartbroken and yet so relieved at the same time.

I lost my grandfather to COVID back in April. My grandma and I both got the virus. It's caused quite the upheaval in our lives, and yet there have been many silver linings to this strange situation we find ourselves in. I found out who my true friends were, and certain family members' true colors came out. I now have something of a savings account because of unemployment, I hate to say. And being unemployed gave me plenty of time to contemplate a career that I truly want to change to.

So, as horrible as this chapter has been, it's also yielded a lot of positive changes as well. I'm going to take the good with the bad, and keep praying for the best. I am grateful.

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So sorry to hear about your Grandfather. That you have come through this & have a glass half full attitude - actually glass full! Go you.

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Alas it is coming to an end - the AL where my mum lives is considering when to let family back in, after four months of reprieve. Mum says she can't wait for us to be able to just drop in again - mostly so she doesn't have the hassle of going down to let us in, even though she has been advised to get more exercise. I said nothing. It will be a big test of my new determination to set and keep up boundaries on her demands.

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helen, you definitely need to keep those boundaries up! Your wellbeing and health matters too. Don't overdo it. Whatever visits you can do is more than reasonable, what you can't do, you can't do and that's it.

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100% grateful.

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Absolutely! My mom and I were reaching a crisis stage when she had a stroke the first week of February. She had been in independent living but she went from the hospital to memory care, a wheelchair and hospice. A couple weeks later access to those in assisted living was barred. Before the stroke Mom had gotten herself locked out of her independent living facility. She was hallucinating about mobs coming to shoot everyone in the facility. She refused to use a walker or the elevator of the 3-story facility. She was accusing me of taking over her life. I was sleeping on the floor of her apartment to assure she wouldn't fall or walk out again. Everyone I talked to working in eldercare urged me to lie to her about issues but not possible with my upbringing. Then she had a small TIA that enabled me to move her to the memory care facility, followed a day later by a much more serious stroke. Then the doors were closed for Covid-19. It's taken me months to not jump when the phone rings and return to a healthy sleeping cycle. I keep in phone contact with her memory care staff and they let me talk to Mom on FaceTime. They have a program on an app that tells me what activities they provide and what she has attended or participated in. These technology aids have been huge in relieving my anxiety and she seems to be adapting to them pretty well. In the meantime, I've been going through the courts to obtain conservatorship - the courts are also hindered by Covid-19. That has been settled in the last 2 weeks. It's been a big adjustment to trust that her caregivers are the professionals she needed but I can see that she loves them and I was never going to be able to give her that peace of mind. She improves and worsens at the same time - she walked for the first time (to my knowledge) this last weekend. Now I worry about falls. This is an upside-down disease and I am inexpressibly grateful to the folks of the facility and hospice. Accept your "break" and use that relief to re-build your love for your mother. You were never going to be able to do it by yourself as well as a team of professionals. Just stay involved and show appreciation where you can - and don't be afraid to step away because you'll come back better for it every time. Good luck.

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I'm just grateful for the masks. Caring for my narcissistic, monster of a mother these past 10 years has taking a horrific toll on my health. I'm 64 but my face looks 94. I'm grateful for an accessory that covers everything but my eyes, the only feature that has survived the carnage. I hate the virus, but I'll miss the masks.

To answer your question though, I imagine a huge percentage of the population are enjoying being ordered to not work. There's no shame in that and it doesn't mean you don't hate the virus. I'm sure I'll be celebrating the end of the pandemic with every bone in my body, while also wishing I never had to work again. You're grateful for the break, not the pandemic. Relax.

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I'm just grateful for the masks. Caring for my narcissistic, monster of a mother these past 10 years has taking a horrific toll on my health. I'm 64 but my face looks 94. I'm grateful for an accessory that covers everything but my eyes, the only feature that has survived the carnage. I hate the virus, but I'll miss the masks.

To answer your question though, I imagine a huge percentage of the population are enjoying being ordered to not work. There's no shame in that and it doesn't mean you don't hate the virus. I'm sure I'll be celebrating the end of the pandemic with every bone in my body, while also wishing I never had to work again. You're grateful for the break, not the pandemic. Relax.

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Hell yes! Prior to the virus I was getting multiple calls from Mom in AL, visiting several times a week, running errands, taking her to multiple dr visits a month. She was sliding down into dementia and many of the calls were calls for help, people stealing from her, people being mean to her, etc. It was exhausting!

In March she ended up in hospital for a week with pneumonia just as the virus lockdown started. No visitors, no calls. Then to a NH for rehab. By then her mental state had deteriorated and the decision was made to keep her there permanently.

Now, My brother and I visit weekly for phone visits through a window. I canceled her cell phone so no calls! Other than a few calls from staff about meds and health issues it has been so much easier. It’s so sad to see this happening, but I really don’t think she understands what is happening. We talk for about 3 minutes then she falls asleep. She is being well cared for.

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Yes, it has slowed down my hectic life to a peaceful level with more rest.

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There is never any excuse to take bullying from anyone! If abuse bothers you too much, professional help can help get you through this.

I went through my Mom's verbal abuse for 30-odd years of 1975 to 2013, and I got so mad it took an LCSW to counsel me for over 5 years! The abuse continued during my unemployment of 2012 to 2015, and it was not even a COVID-19 era.

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Yes! Being a disabled Veteran with PTSD, I had been under extreme stress for the past 2 years dealing with toxic dysfunctional parents. Moved them into ALF as had always made it clear living with me was not an option. I never had kids and no support from 2 siblings. My health is shot from all the stress. Mom died 18 months ago and I was stuck with my nasty verbally abusive narcissist father who I had stopped visiting and blocked his phone even before the covid lockdown. So it was a great excuse to not deal with him as I am 64 but high risk health wise. Everything for his needs was communicated through staff and my DH would drop off packages weekly at front door. We were both done with being screamed and swore at. He was a very mentally disordered (not dementia) 96 year old who treated my mom like crap for 64 years and was indirectly the cause of her stroke/death. Well he finally died last month. Hospice came in the last couple weeks kept him comfortable, drugged as he declined rapidly from issues he brought onto himself with his stubborness. No funeral, had him cremated and sent ashes to the Golden Child, his favorite son. I am finally free of obligation and of this toxic family and I have not one ounce of guilt. My only regret is that I never had the guts to cut them out of my life years ago, ever the dutiful daughter. I gave up what should have been a nice quiet retirement, travel, my health, etc. I've been isolating at home since early March and don't foresee that changing any time soon. It is what it is.

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I too am heartbroken for all the deaths and the loss of jobs. But I like what the virus has done in my life. Before husband had me running to all kinds of dinners, galas, fetes, fundraisers etc. I am an introvert and would rather stay home. If I didn't want to go with him or didn't go with him he would yell and scream at me. Now these events are not even happening. He has dementia and its a long story.

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A phone call
from the garden, smells
much better.

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Beatty, your haikus are cracking me up all over the place... Thanks:)

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I also could have written this. I feel so guilty about having a rest from silent visits & dinners, laundry - I almost dread them opening in a couple weeks. We FaceTime once a week and I call her every nite. Hoping she’ll be able to open up more once we can visit. I try to put myself in her place, but it’s hard.

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I agree wholeheartedly and yes, it is hard to put ourselves in their place. I remember a support group I used to attend for caregivers of someone with Alzheimer's and they offered everyone in the group to do a virtual reality type thing so you could actually be in their shoes. I couldn't do it - I started to have severe anxiety just thinking about it!

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I could have written that myself. The situation has protected me from answering to numerous SOS calls from my mom in her senior independent living.

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I, too, am grateful for the break. I'm 71 and retired, but taking care of my mom's physical and emotional needs was driving me to exhaustion. Don't feel guilty. Enjoy the respite while you can.

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I feel just like you do even though I'm only 57 soon to be 58. There are still many things for me to do plus I do the "window visits" outside her memory care apartment. That in itself is enough since we live in a very hot climate and I'm literally dripping with sweat by the time I leave!

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Imho, everyone needs a break from time to time. The Novel Coronavirus was, however, a very unexpected, unforeseen break.

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Believe me, you are not alone! Not having to decide when to visit my Mom on, at least, a weekly basis, which has been taken away from me because of the Covid restrictions, is a very welcomed respite. Since I have no control of whether I visit Mom or not, I really do not feel guilty. I have set up a time on a certain day that the facility, in which Mom resides, is to call me for a facetime phone call every week. They have not done so in the last three weeks. I'm know I can't blame them as they are probably too busy and shorthanded to find the cell phone with which to make the call. I know, tho, on my part, I should probably call and try to connect. Which will probably happen this week. However, I'm really in no rush. So trust me when I say.....you are not alone. Good excuse and also a viable one.

You are just as human as the rest of us.

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Your mom has you well trained! Being away from her has shown you the illness in your relationship with her.

YOU are paying to store her clothes? WTheck?? Why isn't SHE?

This is a good time to 'cut and run' so to speak. Set boundaries and if she doesn't like them, she can figure out a way to get the things she wants.

She can hire CG on top of what she gets from the ALF. They do not have to be you!
I feel so bad for people who live their lives for their parents--leaving zero time for themselves. My mother would run me ragged if she had half a chance, instead she bullies YB into doing the things she wants. He is sooooo tired, and yet she won't allow anyone else to 'do' for her. I am truly afraid he is going to die before she does and my SIL will NOT let her live there, should that happen.

I've learned the hard way that what I did for mother was NEVER,, EVER enough. I didn't clean well enough, shop correctly, say the right thing---I'd put my own family on the back burner for her and then find she was criticizing me to the other sibs.

This COVID thing has given a lot of us the space and time to really look at our relationships and to make the changes to make them healthier.

I wish you so much luck. Be strong and firm with her.

My mother would be mad at me no matter how hard I tried to 'get it right'. Now I don't even try.

You are NOT alone.

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Don't feel guilty. I've felt the same way since so many doctor's appointments have been postponed. So although I have my husband (with Lewy Body Dementia) living at home, I've nonetheless had a lot more time to do stuff for me - things that have always had to take back seat to my husband's problems
Enjoy the moment. It may not last forever. And this is the only life you'll ever have.

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Sorry, I did not pay attention to your message that you do not have friends, either. If not anyone else, then please take time for yourself to smile and seek them, forget the guilt. Find a club and join via Zoom or relative video meetings. Just because Mom raised you growing up, you do not owe your burned-out time and energy if she is in assisted living. Then call her every other week to check in so you may keep your vital job and own fun activities.

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Hi, Jetcitygirl:

Your priority is YOU! If no relatives, do you have any supportive friends? Get professional help for both you and your mother, and Mom should pay for all the help! Your mom went to assisted living because you are unable to care for her. Take care of yourself now or you will not be able to help anyone. Not let it become emergencies.

I went through similar problems with my late mother for 20+ years, so my out-of-state family had to step in to help us both get our own professionals plus move Mom out of CA to nursing home care near my brother's place in OR, since she could not adjust.

I have limit family connections but several nice local friends who understand what I suffered.

All my best prayers plus luck for you and your Mom.♡◇♧♤♡◇♧♡

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The trick will be in setting a new normal for your availability as a new normal is set for opening up her AL. Don't let it go back to the old normal. That will be on you.

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This is exactly what I have contemplating. A new way going forward.

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Enjoy it while it lasts.
I was called to work at a CoViD centre for 2 months....two months of my parents having to figure out how to get things for themselves, was refreshing.

Now I'm back and they've gone straight back into codependence.

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After about six weeks I realized my general anxiety was much less. I still provide all supplies and check in periodically by telephone. But I do not have to witness daily the slow death of my loved one. No, I don't feel guilty. There are so many other things I can feel guilty about at this time. This one is not of my making and out of my control. Grateful is not the right word but I understand your intention.

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You’re already going way above and beyond. They don’t understand how much they’re asking for and what they expect you to sacrifice. I get it all the time: “I raised you and had to sacrifice!” “I had to get a 2nd job to feed you and skip meals!”
The main problem with that is that I don’t have children, and of course if mom is the child in this “you owe me” assertion, then all the other nonsense (“I do whatever I want with my money.” And in the next breath, “I don’t want to know my balance.”) is moot too.
I guess it’s like, you have to treat her like an ungrateful toddler. Of course there’s whining and insults. And it all makes it very hard to remember what things were like before illness.
Hang in there and don’t feel guilty. From what you’ve said, you’re taking pretty amazing care of her. If you don’t take time to care for yourself, you won’t be able to do anything for anyone else.

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Ditto for me. I was feeling all special as well with the Covid knowing that I wouldn’t have to take care of my dad as much. Unfortunately he had to go to the emergency room and also to the hospital this past week. He is back at independent living and is scheduled for physical therapy today. I just talk to him and he sounds very tired as he should be. But don’t get me wrong, I am ecstatic that I don’t have to deal with him as much since Covid. I took care of my mother until her death in 2018 and now I am taking care of my father even though they are in independent care facility. You still have to buy their supplies and their medicines and take them to the doctor and listen to all their aches and pains and complaints. I think the complaining is the biggest part of my dad‘s life. You are not alone. My sister said she would help out but of course she immediately changed your mind on that. It is definitely hard for one person to handle day in and day out without any support.

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No. Because it is a death sentence for so many people. I also am a sole caregiver - literally NO ONE else and I had my husband at home with very extreme behaviors. He eventually had to be placed after punching me. He is only 58 years old with early onset dementia. I would give ANYTHING to be able to see him but also understand why I can't to keep him and the angels who care for him safe, but I also know how to set personal boundaries so I it doesn't take a life threatening pandemic to set reasonable expectations for visitation, etc.

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Covid Quarantine put my (32 year old) granddaughter on top of her housemates creating rift. She now lives with me. A great benefit to me. I am now filled with endless gratitude.

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Hi again
Yes, I was thankful for the restriction in visits since it gave everyone a much needed break from our care routine. I certainly didn’t mean to ignore the fact that we all face different circumstances in regard to our family member.
My situation unfortunately ended in my dad getting covid19.

We all need to take care of ourselves as well during this time. If we get sick our loved one is at a disadvantage as well.

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Sorry to hear of your loss. Not just a loss, but the worst possible scenario. Hopefully you won't have guilt for feeling relief when the lock down started, only to have regret that you couldn't see him again. I think most of us were feeling that sense of relief, assuming it would be short and all would be well.

There are likely many more like you who will feel regret and guilt for having that short respite and sense of relief for a bit. It certainly isn't something any of us had control over.

We are in a more remote location, and so far no virus in mom's facility (combination of IL/AL/MC.) Although I also appreciate the "break", it is a bit of a conundrum for me - due to her dementia and hearing loss, there is no way to talk to her by phone, her window faces into a garden area which is not accessible for window "visits" and she likely wouldn't do well with any kind of computer video contact. They have just started to allow outdoor visits, but we have to keep distance, so unless they have a white board or easel with paper, there's no way for me to communicate with her, really.

Keep your good memories accessible. The virus can't take those away from you. It won't take away any guilt you might feel, but perhaps it can bring a smile to your face now and then!

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Anyone grateful for the break the virus has given?

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