My 86 y/o mom lives in her own home. Very messy (we're working on it) and cluttered (also working on it). She wants to stay there. My sisters and I are supporting her by shopping, meal prep, bathing, handling finances. But we all have our own stuff, too. One sister lives an hour away, one lives a half hour away and has a very demanding job. I'm close and so is another sib.
We need to get her house decluttered and fixed up, but meanwhile we also need a caregiver to come in for x hours a day, to help with daily tasks, help her remember to eat, brush teeth, take meds on time, etc. Mom has beginning dementia, her short term memory is shot.
Are there caregivers willing to be in a cluttered, less than optimal environment? How do we approach this, what should we ask, expect, etc.?
If your mom's house has any bugs or vermin (rats, mice, snakes, etc.) or their droppings, I would get rid of enough clutter to get an exterminator in to fumigate before you hire anyone.
If her situation is solely clutter and piles, I would not allow an outsider to go through your mother's stuff. That should be what you kids do. Heaven knows what might be in there. (I found my mother's birth certificate and passport in the side pocket of a suitcase.) Also, that way, you gals in charge for what goes and what stays. That isn't the responsibility of the caregiver. I don't see any harm for the c/g to wash clothes, wipe down shelves, vacuum/sweep/mop, organize drawers and the like. She can move piles to other rooms.
I'm sure, under those conditions, you should be able to find someone. Good luck with Mom letting go.
Thank you for the well-wishes and for your thoughtful response.
Your mom’s place sounded like my mom’s was. The 3-box approach (toss, donate, keep) was very helpful to us. We (well, me, because my sister’s tolerance level for the clutter & filth was much higher than mine) at first focused on the rooms she used all the time — living room, bathroom, kitchen, her bedroom. Meanwhile, we hired an aide who was focused solely on mom’s day-to-day care. Since Mom wouldn’t let her do any light housekeeping at all, I ended up hiring someone else to do the cleaning once a month. Keeping those responsibilities separate was actually easier for everyone.
If you do the 3-box approach, perhaps you & your sisters could each “own” a room to do. Then way it’s easier to pick up from the last time you were there.
And we delegated to the aide the bathing chore, as she had much more experience in that area.
My in-laws’ place, on the other hand, was positively filthy. So bad that my sister-in-law, their own daughter, flat out refused to set foot in the place to help. There was no way we could expect an aide to jeopardize their own health by going in there. Thankfully, it sounds like you will never reach that stage.
Our mom is an amazing woman who raised five kids by herself when our dad died unexpectedly at the age of 30. She went to work, put herself through college, did so much for us and now it's our turn. She wants to stay home, so we are doing what we can to support that but clearly, we need help now. She needs more help than we can give her. And yes, her environment is less than optimal. That's the reality, that's what we have to deal with.
My original post inquired whether that environment would preclude a caregiver from coming in to help. Based on your responses so far, I am thinking no, it wouldn't, but we will need to be straight up with candidates and clear on expectations. Like I said before, this is uncharted territory for all of us and I'm sure we'll make mistakes as we navigate this 'new normal.' But we have the support of each other, and we aren't alone. I found that out when I took a chance and posted on this website.
Thank you guys, so much. Appreciate it more than you know.
An agency is more likely to have minimum standards of health and safety in order to protect their workers, but if you hire privately you'd be surprised at what some people will tolerate in order to earn their living.
(the acid test is - would you send your daughter to work there?)
Your question was a good one. I appreciate your thoughts, thank you so much, cwillie.
#1 for obvious trash, ie old mail with no significant information.
#2 for old magazines to be donated to a NH or senior center
#3 for everything that doesn't meet the top 2 criteria.
This will make your job easier, 1 bin to decide what needs to be done with items in it.
Then the same with clothes.
#1 bin for rags, clothes that have no more wear in them. (Donate these as rags, charities sell them to companies that need disposable cloth rags)
#2 for wrong sizes, doesn't like etc. To be donated.
#3 unsure, for you to determine.
You are not hiring a housekeeper, you are hiring an aid for mom, so the no go rules will be different.
This can be done one small area at a time, with you or sister only disposing of garbage and taking donations box, that would give all peace of mind that it is being handled appropriately.
Just my 2 cents from people I know in the field and what they are willing to do.
Thank you again, Isthisrealyreal.
That will tell you beyond a doubt if it's clean enough. A worker is more likely to agree to the conditions if she knows there's insurance already in place, too.
Thank you so much for your thoughts.