Two ridiculous things happened today. First, my mom managed to get to the plastic surgeon today for the consult she arranged. I had hoped she forgot about the eye work she doesn’t need. It’s insane. I don’t know the details yet but I think (hope) she was turned down. Just knowing she went (I tracked her phone) had me so irritated.
Then when she got back back she left her condo to drop some garbage and locked herself out so she came banging on my door. I was just about to serve dinner for me and my husband. My dogs go off, I’m trying to quiet them and she remarks the food smelled good and she is going to have some. I tell her she can take a plate home and go to get my keys for her place. She makes a plate and then huffs at me “I guess I’ll go since I’m not welcome here”.... I gave her a “whatever” and walked over to her place and unlocked the door.
Am I being unreasonable? Unless she is having a problem I don’t want to be interrupted at any time with expectations she can hang out. I want a plan for visiting.
This is so frustrating.
My dad is in early Parkinson’s dementia & panics if I’m not near when he wakes up. Call or drop by often so she feels connected & cares for & go from there. Good luck!
I am a big proponent of whatever is convenient for the caregiver because, like it or not, caregivers are usually younger and have more things to do each day on top of caregiving.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You are not responsible for your mother's contentment. You are not responsible for living your mother's life. You are her daughter. You are not her nurse. You are not her teacher. You are not her safety net. You are one person whose own life matters.
If anyone needs to learn to set boundaries it's you because of your childhood and the damage your mother did to your relationship. Your mother is responsible for that damage. And there's nothing to undo it. No amount of caregiving is going to satisfy your mother. Accept that.
Also accept that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You and your marriage come first. Your mother will never accept that regardless of how many times you say it. The more you try to explain yourself to her, the more explanations she will want. You will never get to quit explaining yourself to your mother even though you are an adult.
Your boundaries are yours. That she has dementia does not entitle her to violate them. She will try but your boundaries are there to protect you and your marriage. Enforce them. Boundaries are not cruel. Boundaries are necessary for survival especially when you are dealing with a parent who damaged you as a child.
And please don't let a few people on this forum who believe in "boundless compassion" or "duty until death" or whatever nonsense, deter you from establishing and enforcing boundaries with your mother. Recognize that they may be miserable in their current situations and just want company!
What a great response!
Here I go again. Your remarks resonate.
The continual sense that along with the dementia, you're still dealing with your mom's long-term Standard Operating Procedure of disrespecting boundaries. The disrespect your violated Child remembers. Different boundaries perhaps, but the same attitude that your feelings, your life, your "person" come second to theirs.
You said, ........"Not to be judgmental of you either, but it's my opinion that people should keep in mind when they respond that not all experiences or solutions are the same. Some of us are actually trying to take care of our abusers. If you don't know what that means then consider yourself lucky."
I get it.
Some people just don't get it. It's not their fault, they just don't because they had normal childhoods.
And about what happened to her, first locking herself out (maybe part of why she should not live alone? Although I see you live close to her which is a relief). We all can get locked out at any age, but the elderly are more prone to have certain things happen to them, therefore to me that is entirely not her fault, just an accident. Then she goes to you to look for the spare keys, that seems reasonable to me. Then she mentions that your food smelled great, which to me means:
- That your food in fact smelled good!
- That she was hungry or got hungry when she smelled your food
- That she saw an opportunity not to eat alone, instead have a family meal
- That she didn’t feel like going back to her condo to be by herself, she wanted to have a conversation, to feel “normal” and included.
One of the most important things that most elderly people lose is PURPOSE and connection. Purpose in the big picture means why am I alive? And in the daily picture, what will I do today and why?
If you think about that, dementia or not, if you had no purpose, no occupation, how would you feel? I know I would feel empty and lost, then add dementia to the picture and it is a tragedy!
And connection means that one needs to belong, to be an important part of something, more so of a family.
What I see with her going to the plastic surgeon is a combination of dementia not helping her to discern properly and also a way to fill her day, to find a purpose for that day.
What I see with her intruding your home and disrupting your meal is simply coming from her need to connect and to belong.
My very personal way to handle situations related to elderly people is to always put myself in their place and to try to understand their motives. Now, will they ever return the courtesy and put themselves in one’s place and understand one’s motives? Unlikely, not impossible but unlikely; I certainly will not be expecting it. But I think once we understand their motives there has to be a level of compassion that we all as human beings are armed with. That compassion does not translate into having zero boundaries, but it should translate into finding ways to make things work without hurting their feelings. I honestly think you may have hurt her feelings as any other person or any mother without dementia would have felt when you told her to take a plate and go eat home.
I'm NOT saying this to make you feel guilty Piper, not at all, plus I don’t think you would feel guilty. I’m saying this because 1)it is my opinion, and 2) maybe it will help you to be more aware and conscious of how her mind and heart May be thinking and feeling, and how unnecessary it is to cause that someone that is lonely and needy -even if too needy- feels rejected. What would I have done? well first reassess if her living conditions are appropriate for her physical and mental state, and secondly I think I would have asked my husband if he minded that she ate with us, and I would have had her over for dinner and as soon as dinner was done I would have walked her to her apartment and make sure all is ok. Then come back and have some quality time with my husband even if it is just a cup of ice cream as dessert talking, or a glass of wine, or watching something on TV together. That is just adjusting to the circumstances because the situation was an exception. And set up you & your mom time, family and mom time, and then move within those scheduled times.
Best of luck!
My mom is in the early stages of dementia. She is still able to function independently in many ways. She is not unsafe. I would never let that happen. My husband and I spend considerable time with her, and have meals with her often. Several times per week on top of other time spent together. When we don't eat together she is perfectly capable of preparing her own food. She has lived alone since my dad died 20 years ago. We also have a complicated history where my mom has never respected the boundaries of any of her children. There is a reason both of my siblings are are nowhere to be found and don't even call to check on things.
I'm finding there is a mixed bag here in terms of family dynamics. Some people are caring for parents that were loving, kind and nurturing to them. Others have not been so fortunate.
It affects the care-giver role. I know this first hand because I've had it both ways now. First caring for my dad who was the loving parent, and now needing to care for my mom who was anything but loving.
I have counseling set up so I can do a better job because I know I will need to do more for her as time progresses and see her in a totally different light.
Not to be judgmental of you either, but it's my opinion that people should keep in mind when they respond that not all experiences or solutions are the same. Some of us are actually trying to take care of our abusers. If you don't know what that means then consider yourself lucky.
As for the plastic surgery, it is not you business to stop her however poor the choices. You can advise, but she appears to be competent. Are you crossing a boundary trying to stop her? I think yes.
Regarding your post later about her getting your husband to do something about a chair. When you enforce boundaries, she will turn to violating his boundaries. You two should get on the same page withbthis.
"Even though you moved your mother next door, she is physically close by...but she might as well be in Canada with the way you feel. It sounds like you have not made her part of your life & not really involved with caregiving. Your mother sounds like she is at best, annoying, but you have been able to maintain your independence. I only read last post with your mother going to eye dr & wanted to join you & hubby for dinner...& you made plate for her & told her to scram. Sorry if I seem blunt...I’ll trade places w you..I have to set my alarm in
middle of night to change my mother’s diaper. Hugs 🤗 see less"
You are wrong in every one of your accusations.
You know nothing about me or my situation and I would prefer if you ignore my posts from here on out.
She recovered 100% from the shoulder work, but then she started having other pain issues. She blamed it on her "gait" from the shoulder work causing back pain. She then started getting pain pills from her GP. Finally he sent her to a pain management doctor who did an MRI and found nothing significant to warrant that kind of pain so he started doing injections and backing off from the pills. That was shortly before she moved here.
When here she tried to get pain pills for "back pain" from her Primary Care doc and he declined and sent her to pain management here. She was quick to make and keep that appointment. He gave her a limited number of pills and also suggested injections. She did the injections and he gave her another pain med, non-narcotic. After about two months she went back and said she needed the "other pills" and he wrote her a script for Vicodin. Something else worth noting, she does not let me go with her to those appointments.
So far my only intervention has been to let the neurologist know- I wrote it in my note that she takes Vicodin from a pain doctor for pain that I can not explain. The neurologist took note because she did a neuro check on my mom's spine and everything was normal. She pointed out to my mom that the Vicodin would not help her balance problems and in fact make it worse. She then suggested physical therapy which my mom initially declined. (until she made it home based then my mom reluctantly accepted).
Right now I am hoping the doctors address it because I don't really know how to address it. When I ask her about her use she does one of two things, gets defensive or lies about how often she takes it. Yeah.... I'm concerned.
Without some sort of schedule your life is in her hands. You could have her over for dinner a certain day each week, which would give her something to look forward to. Eating alone the other days isn't going to kill her, and maybe she'll find new company. If she barges in unannounced you can politely turn her away until the next scheduled get together.
It 's good that you're protecting your time with your husband and not ignoring him in favor of your mother like some do.
I hate when people tell me to consider putting mom in a facility, but if you can't handle her demands, maybe it's time to consider a different arrangement.
Just from your profile and the question you have posted here a few gut reactions.
1. It does not sound like your Mom should be living alone.
If she had been diagnosed with dementia she should not be going to a doctors appointment by herself. She probably should not be able to wander out of her apartment, house, condo by herself.
2. If your Mom is alone in her apartment/condo..and it is meal time is she able to make her own meals? Is it safe for her to do so?
3. It is lonely eating by yourself. We make eating a social "thing" and to eat alone is depressing and you mention that she has depression why take a chance on making the depression worse? Invite her for dinner, or you and your husband go to her place for dinner then you can leave when you like. But at least she will have a bit of company. No to mention as the dementia progresses eating can become a problem from eating all the time or not eating at all because you have forgotten when or if you ate.
As for boundaries. If she understands them, and if she does today she may not tomorrow or next week...
You can set a schedule that should work for you both. Get a calendar or dry erase board and write a weekly schedule on it that she can follow. Just know that she may or may not understand what the schedule is.
Also is it possible to get her involved in Adult Day Care of other activity? Something to give her socialization and something to do and in a place where she will not wander? (there will come a day when she leaves her property without the phone or the phone does or she looses it and you will not be able to track her. It is not a matter of if this happens but when.)
As I have said I have been gone for a while so if I have missed posts addressing these point forgive me.
Keep in in mind that her behavior doesn’t bother her, it bothers you. That will help you come up with ways to set boundaries you can live with.
But once the dementia really gets going and they live with delusions and anxiety and other symptoms, then there is no way they are going to be able to understand boundaries. It's very much like expecting a newborn to understand boundaries. They are struggling so much internally that they can't express that the concept of boundaries is simply too much, too abstract and too complicated.
So, my once sweet and thoughtful mother will now wake me up at 2 am to ask if she should divorce my late father because he's not coming home anymore. It's heartbreaking to be honest. She and my dad were in love and rarely apart, and especially happy the last 20 years together. She misses him so much. The way her dementia is working is that the people she misses the most, she simply no longer accepts/remembers/believes they are dead. But she is so alert that she has to construct an explanation for their absence.
I guess this and fecal incontinence are among the reasons that people do not take care of their own parents when they have dementia/Alzheimer's/brain issues.
If your mother has always ignored all boundaries, then you're in for a hard time as that is unlikely to change. If your mother used to respect boundaries, and is losing that ability, then it will probably continue to degenerate. I do think it is ok to tell her calmly how you feel and what you expect. For instance, if my mom wakes me up at night to talk about how to find her late mother, then I tell her I will talk to her in the morning, and please do not wake me again. She is able to follow this instruction. I may hear her rustling about her room, but she is still with it enough that she is safe left to her own devices at night. She can turn on the TV , well sometimes she can. She has an Alexa device that she can ask questions to. And she spends hours calling 411 information and asking for the phone number of her mother. Since 411 does not charge for land line inquiries, then I don't care at all that she is calling them. They're not at all helpful. They're overseas. They don't listen. But they keep her busy.
What I don't really get is people expecting dementia patients to be normal people. Their brain is literally shrinking and disintegrating and losing connections every minute. They are lost in a fog of anxiety and confusion. They cannot make sense of people they love being gone. The only thing that they do not lose is emotions. They respond to affection. They feel quite a bit of anxiety. At some point the only impact anyone is able to have on an elder with dementia is to either make them feel safer and loved or to make them feel anxious, lost and rejected. It really gets that simple. It becomes the same as an infant. We don't reason with infants. We simply soothe them, or sadly upset them.
No you are not being unreasonable by protecting your private time. The consequence for interrupting you is that she does not get to stay for a visit.
Maybe in response to “I guess I’ll go since I’m not welcome here”.. you could restate the boundaries "Mom, you are welcome when you and I can work out a time than suits both of us. "
Re the cosmetic surgery - her problem, You have stated that you will not be involved - end of story. Try not to let it get to you. You can't control her, only yourself. People are allowed to make foolish decisions.
Though “mmmhmm” is fitting too!
Wish me luck.
What if you dropped a note to the plastic surgeon's office including the particulars of your mother (DOB, name, address), and just said that she has told other doctors in the past that she has help at home of you, and that you are absolutely not helping with any surgical or medical needs. That you keep your help limited to keeping her spare key. That will make you feel better and will likely be put in mom's file.
And you know what, I wasn't pissed she locked herself out, again, and needed help. I would not have been pissed if she asked for a plate to take home either. My reaction came when she felt entitled to interrupt us with zero thought to what we had going on, and then the mean dig. The dig is what really threw me and in fact ruined my entire night. She said it that "tone" that has cringed me my entire life.
On the plastic surgeon I don't think it's going to happen, I think they turned her down, because nothing needs done! But if she would have managed to convince them, I wasn't going to take her. A person needs to have a designated driver after surgery and I was planning to say no.
I'm at a loss as to why she is even trying to do this. I even wondered if she could possibly be seeking ways to get pain meds. She sees a pain management doctor (another appointment she managed to make and keep herself with no assistance from me). She takes Vicodin for "back pain" but MRI shows nothing that should be causing that kind of pain, so she blames it on "my meds". "My balance" - This was actually an issue I brought up with the neurologist. I said in my letter she has a pain management doctor for pain that I can not explain.
I'm rambling, sorry.
I also understand my mom's need for company, but I can not give her as much as she wants. I already feel over-extended. My husband has been a saint in this but I can tell he's getting sick of it too. I resent that she won't even try to help herself, like going to the senior center to meet potential friends or just be around other people.
To answer your question, in early stages maybe not later on .
Would it hurt to invite her?
Well, yes. Because she has come to expect eating here whenever she feels like it with next to no notice and at HER whim. She doesn't give any thought to what I may be doing. Then the insult? She doesn't respect my personal space and never has, which has been a life long problem. I think that is the root here. This kind of treatment from her is life long.
What I said to her in full was that I was tired, my back hurt (both true) and that I would make her a plate to take home. In typical fashion my needs/wishes were totally ignored and she had to throw in the "I guess I'm not welcome here" dig. To say that is just being mean and nasty because she is here so much and things are done for and with her 90% of days.
My mom is in that weird stage of dementia, where it's definitely happening, but the REAL HER is also in there. I don't know if that makes sense, but to me last night felt like the real her, taking a shot at me for no damn good reason other than I didn't give into her assumption that she could just plop herself down and join us for dinner. It was the uncalled for comment that triggered me and set me off.
Luckily all I threw back was a "whatever" and unlocked her door. I didn't escalate it and instead I came back home and steamed about it the rest of the night in private.