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Not that it will ever be an issue here, my siblings (Mom's other children) haven't visited her in about 20 yrs. They only call maybe twice a year for under 5 minutes at a time, (yes, I've timed it). But, If it ever does come up, I have decided that thier visit will take place outside of the home, a hotel room or something. They are simply not welcome here.
Gee Ted, are we related? Same with my siblings but I've always kept an open door policy. I worked a full time job and for 10 years mom went to a day center- my sister would tell everybody she knew that I kept her from seeing mom- as if!!!!! She never visited either place. Once I took a vacation out of the country- she never came by then either. That said, you are under no obligation to let them visit in your home. Take some tips from divorced parents- they can pick up Mom or Dad and take them out or you can meet them at a restaurant, park or event and drop them off. You are under no obligation to let them visit in your home
I understand comppetely. My mom also lives with me and my 9 brithers and sisters have just about forgottten that they have a mother. The few times that they want to see her they would come to my home and expect me to wait on and entertain them. Well that got old real fast so when they want to see their mother they now have to pick her up and take her to lunch, dinner etc. Will no longer be the floor mat for them. So no you don't have to open your house to them. Just remeber you are not alone.
Whoa. Something big is going on here between you and your sibs, and it's probably bigger and older than "just" the matter of eldercare, though it probably includes that too. It's not essentially an eldercare topic -- it's first and foremost about your relationship with your siblings and how to handle whatever awful situation you guys have gotten yourselves into. If your objective is to see your parent against your sibling's will (because you feel they're "obligated to let you") you may succeed in seeing your parent but you sure won't make anything better with your sib. How about broadening your scope to say to your sib "How can I see Mom/Dad and at the same time take steps towards improving our relationship, or at least not making it worse?"
I personally have no interest in improving or having any relationship with my siblings. And Nataly, My sister also accuses me of keeping her from seeing mom although she has NEVER TRIED!. Although in our situation, she is just trying to cover her tracks of the neglect she is doing to our mom, and I realize it. I just don't have room our time for whatever thier problems may be, MY hands are full with something much more important- giving mom the best, most comfortable and happy end-of-life that I can.
The property owner determines who isn't or is allowed, whether that is their sibling or their son's old girlfriend or the Avon lady.
This sounds like there is a whole backstory here.
Alwayslearning has a great suggestion. I would suggest that you send a written note (warm, nice and to the point) to your sibling along with an interior note and photo of you and your family for mom. If there is no response, send another via return, registered mail, that is a bit more formal. You many need to show in the future that you wanted to see mom but they kept you away. RRM does that.
Always learning I think I have to disagree with you about something. Yes there may be underlying problems between the siblings but I think it is an eldercare issue. My brothers and sisters while not always agreeing on everything always got along, that is until our mother took a turn. Mom was always the strongest person I knew and there for all of us, but once the reality hit or the denial stopped they all ran for the hills. They left it to me to take care of Mom and sell her house, doctors etc. In the beginning I would have big Thanksgivings and Christmas just so my mom could see all of them, but like I said that got old fast. Now if I need someone to take her for a day or so I need to start asking months in advance. Do I hate them, no feel sorry for them. Big believer in what goes around comes around. They are all teaching their children that parents don't count, so lets see what happens when its their turn.
Igloo, I actually set up an e-mail account for mom years ago so that the sib's could communicate directly with her (since apparently they don't know how to use a phone) and send pix of the grandkids and stuff and when I sent them an email with all the address and expressing my desire that they keep in touch with mom for her sake, I got back an angry email rudely telling me that I had no right to request any such thing from them and that they will run thier relationship with thier mother as they please. For years now that email account has not had one message.
After all of the years of caring for mom by myself I had plenty of time to think of my sibs and how not only how they let mom down, but how they let me down too! Some relationships just aren't meant to be. The cards and letters approach is a good thought but the sad reality is when you send it by registered mail to CYA- that's a joke! People can and will say anything to those who will listen (people love a good story). Keep your head up. In the end you will have a clear conscious and blessings from above- they do see all. Hope this helps.
The one posting the question has not given us the impression that s/he has not been seeing or trying to see the parent in the past. There is no indication the person has not helped with the care. It is a general question.
I have seen situations where one sibling comes in and takes control from the other sibling who has been taking care of the parent(s) and shuts original sibling out for whatever reason. It does not mean the first sibling was neglectful or anything, but the second sibling thought they could do it better and wanted control (sometimes of the assets more so than the care.) Or thought the parent needed to be in a nursing home. So it may have nothing to do with the person posting this question and really there is not enough information to determine exactly what is going on.
I think the poster should talk with a elder law attorney about his/her rights and the rights of the parent who should be able to see (if able to understand) anyone s/he would like since the home is his/her residence, too.
We don't know what the backstory is on all this for wiiplayer.
If they want to see mom and sis isn't letting them, then they need to do something to establish that has happened. RRM allows for that without getting attorney's involved. Otherwise it will be "he said/she said".
The hard truth is that parents have a legal responsibility to take care of their child till their of legal age or emancipated BUT children do no have any legal responsibility to take care of their parents. They may want to because of love, care & concern or moral/religious views or guilt. But they do not have to unless they choose to. Some people like being caregivers; others don't and have no qualms about it nor should they.
I do not expect our kids to take care of us as we get old and infirm. We've done what we can now to have our long-term care situation taken care of (insurance, Miller trust), not that it's failproof but we have a plan. For me to expect otherwise, would be foodhardy.
This is exactley what is going on in my case, my mother lives with me and my sister and I do not speak but she knows she can visit mom in my home when even she wants, whether she will or not waits to be seen but no the sibling does not have to allow you into their home if those don't wish to
I don't thnik you need an attorney here. Yes, send a letter or an email and state that you would like to see your parent and offer to meet them somewhere neutral. That way, it makes the issue all about "Mom" and not your relationship with your sibling. Ted, I agree with the visit to take place outside of the home. I agree with Nataly1 - I care for both my aging parents barely living independently, and both my deadbeat siblings are nowhere to be found. They're not welcome here but I would meet my siblings IF they ever contacted me. Not holding my breath! Focus on the parent not your relationship with your siblings. Can't pick your relatives.
Talking to an attorney is not necessarily in order to go a legal route to gain some sort of visitation, but to get guidance about your parents and your rights. It is counseling and many times it can be free or for very minimal cost. I certainly did not suggest that the poster go to an attorney first if it is simply a communication issue. From the post it seems like it could be more than this.
As someone who has trying to been settling an estate for two years now after a sibling embezzled and forged checks and loans, sometimes there is more going on than you know. I took care of my parents over the years and in my own home for a very long time. After the death of the first parent, I allowed (and frankly needed) my sibling to take care of the second parent. Sounds like a good agreement until you figure out what the motive was.
Loaded question!!! There are situations where siblings don’t want to be bothered with an elderly parent who is being cared for by another sibling and there are situations where the siblings do want to be bothered. I think that in the instance where the sibling wants to be bothered, then that is a step in the “right direction” that may open the door to them potentially offering to help out more. If this really just boils down to an issue between the siblings, totally unrelated to the parent then, I feel the siblings need to set aside their differences for the sake of allowing the visit with the parent.
It really depends on the kind of family you live in. If your sibling hates your stinking guts, they'll probably be reluctant to let you visit. If you have a good relationship with the sibling, then all you gotta do is ask. If you really want to get to visit your parent at your sibling's place, offer to help with their care, or ask what you can do for your sibling while visiting your parent. We caregivers are almost all looking for respite from the work that goes with hosting our disabled mom in our home. This might be a good time to deepen your relationship with the sibling while maintaining ties to the parent. Good Luck. God Bless.
Well my mom had a major stroke in 2009 my sister used my mothers money to get an apartment for them after we all agreed fro mom to go with her. after two years my mother have not improved she's in the bed 24/7 she have not had a bath in 2 years my sister is constantly spending on my moms money. so I finally call the elderly abuse hotline I'm trying to get guardianship for my mother she deserves better. Now she won't answer the phone calls so I can talk to my mother she treats my other sibling the same way. her money is not paying the rent, my mother money is so I don't see how she can dey us access to see our mother
I have lived with my mom all my life. I have always been in charge of taking care of things before the dementia & now after it. I had a very harsh & nasty e-mail fight with my sister-in-law back in June, 2011 stemming from issues with regard to getting financial assistance with caregiver expenses. Believe me it is like pulling teeth. She seems to feel that since I am single living with my mom I should embrace everything associated with my mom & leave my brothers alone with their wives. Wrong!! I asked her to stay out of our business; this is between my 2 brothers & I. We decide, not the wives. My one brother insists that he wants to visit my mom on the weekends. I stated to him that weekends are mine, even though I don't get a break & have not had a break for over a year. I refuse to entertain anyone on the weekends, because I burn the candle on both ends during the weekday. My brother made it a point to ask: "You are dictating to me when to come to our mother's house"? Excuse me, bro, my mother's home is my main address, & since I live there it is my house too & I should have a say who visits. End of story.
Adding additional comments: If my family has time to take vacations & do other activities during the week why can't they visit my mom during week while the caregiver is there?
My aunt has never had a good relationship with her daughter. She is calm except when her daughter comes around bossing everyone around, and making demands. My aunt gets visibly upset, and does not want her around. She has even said so. She does have mild dementia, but still gets VERY upset, and even scared when this nasty daughter comes to see her. In this case I feel she should NOT be allowed to visit. That being said, some relatives who have been distant may want some closure and to express peace with your parent. As long as your parent doesn't mind, and seems happy why not let them come. As long as they do not disrespect you and your parent in any way I don't see any reason to not let them visit. It would be doing a good kind thing on your part, and rising to a higher place of dignity. LOVE and LIGHT
My brother has the luxury to work from home & he use to sit with my mom every Friday until I got into a fight with his wife. I figure if they can take vacations, go to ballgames, eat at restaurants during the week they can surely carve out 1 hour to visit with mom & grandma. If there's a will there's a way. I don't have to be there for them to do it, which is why I suggested visiting during the day when I am work.
My mother lives with me and I take care of her, two of my siblings are not allowed to visit her in my home so she will not see them again, my sister has hurt and used my mom all her life and my brother is a child molester, therefore I have cut all ties, she is allowed to talk to them on the phone and write if she wishes but no they are not allowed in my home, it is my home and I make the rules, Hope this helps you
This is a tough topic. My sister acts badly towards me and has for a very long time. I am of the opinion that she should let the sibs visit in her home since it is now Mom's home too. It is where she resides. She is their mother too. They could visit her in that home then take her out for lunch/dinner, take her to the library, movies, shopping. Make it a fun day. Then after they get home, they could visit with Mom in the home, then go to their home or to a hotel etc. I am a firm believer in trying to make it right and trying to get along. Sib who owns the home might want to try that. But for me there will be no breaking the ice. Sister is stuck in her ways and that's it. So for the letter writers who have bad siblings, I know how it is!!
I think you are causing more unless stress 4 yourself trying to keep your siblings from your seeing your mom @ your home. It can in turn become a power struggle If they are like my siblings and seems as if they are; they won't take the time to come anyway. There seem to be always 1 in every family that takes on the responsibility of caring for an elderly parent but I believe that is because God anointed that one for a time such as this. I am the lucky one that God anointed in my family to do this job. My siblings are too self involved to do what is needed for my mother. I will have memories and joys that they will never have with her. I have low points but I dont stay there. They are doing more of a diservice to themselves and the woulda, shoulda, coulda's will not belong to me. As long as I can be a source of joy for her, no matter my discomfort, I wilI. Cant waste time worrying about what they do or don't do. Great is your reward for honoring you mother. reset your focus and forget your siblings.
As was mentioned in one of the replys, it is your home and you decide who is allowed to enter it. Your siblings may blame it on you saying that you don't allow them to visit, but they can pick her up and take her out to lunch or dinner, or over to their home for an afternoon. There are ways to work things out if all parties are willing. I back you up all the way! I have one sibling that stole from my mother and myself, and she opened up a credit card using my mothers information and used it for herself. That woman will never be allowed in my home, and my mother is aware and understands fully.
I am sorry but you are wrong, even if the mother wants to see her other children, that child does not have to allow them in their home, simple as that. as stated by some she may go their home or out to dinner with them if she is able, in my case, my mother is unable, I have power of attorney and medical power of attorney and 2 of my siblings she knows she will never see again as that is in her best interest and it is my responsibilty to protect my mother from anyone I feel is a danger to her, best wishes
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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And Nataly, My sister also accuses me of keeping her from seeing mom although she has NEVER TRIED!. Although in our situation, she is just trying to cover her tracks of the neglect she is doing to our mom, and I realize it. I just don't have room our time for whatever thier problems may be, MY hands are full with something much more important- giving mom the best, most comfortable and happy end-of-life that I can.
This sounds like there is a whole backstory here.
Alwayslearning has a great suggestion. I would suggest that
you send a written note (warm, nice and to the point) to your sibling along with an interior note and photo of you and your family for mom. If there is no response, send another via return, registered mail, that is a bit more formal. You many need to show in the future that you wanted to see mom but they kept you away. RRM does that.
I have seen situations where one sibling comes in and takes control from the other sibling who has been taking care of the parent(s) and shuts original sibling out for whatever reason. It does not mean the first sibling was neglectful or anything, but the second sibling thought they could do it better and wanted control (sometimes of the assets more so than the care.) Or thought the parent needed to be in a nursing home. So it may have nothing to do with the person posting this question and really there is not enough information to determine exactly what is going on.
I think the poster should talk with a elder law attorney about his/her rights and the rights of the parent who should be able to see (if able to understand) anyone s/he would like since the home is his/her residence, too.
If they want to see mom and sis isn't letting them, then they need to do something to establish that has happened. RRM allows for that without getting attorney's involved. Otherwise it will be "he said/she said".
The hard truth is that parents have a legal responsibility to take care of their child till their of legal age or emancipated BUT children do no have any legal responsibility to take care of their parents. They may want to because of love, care & concern or moral/religious views or guilt. But they do not have to unless they choose to. Some people like being caregivers; others don't and have no qualms about it nor should they.
I do not expect our kids to take care of us as we get old and infirm. We've done what we can now to have our long-term care situation taken care of (insurance, Miller trust), not that it's
failproof but we have a plan. For me to expect otherwise, would be foodhardy.
Ted, I agree with the visit to take place outside of the home. I agree with Nataly1 - I care for both my aging parents barely living independently, and both my deadbeat siblings are nowhere to be found. They're not welcome here but I would meet my siblings IF they ever contacted me. Not holding my breath! Focus on the parent not your relationship with your siblings. Can't pick your relatives.
As someone who has trying to been settling an estate for two years now after a sibling embezzled and forged checks and loans, sometimes there is more going on than you know. I took care of my parents over the years and in my own home for a very long time. After the death of the first parent, I allowed (and frankly needed) my sibling to take care of the second parent. Sounds like a good agreement until you figure out what the motive was.
If my family has time to take vacations & do other activities during the week why can't they visit my mom during week while the caregiver is there?
My brother has the luxury to work from home & he use to sit with my mom every Friday until I got into a fight with his wife. I figure if they can take vacations, go to ballgames, eat at restaurants during the week they can surely carve out 1 hour to visit with mom & grandma. If there's a will there's a way. I don't have to be there for them to do it, which is why I suggested visiting during the day when I am work.
I am sorry but you are wrong, even if the mother wants to see her other children, that child does not have to allow them in their home, simple as that. as stated by some she may go their home or out to dinner with them if she is able, in my case, my mother is unable, I have power of attorney and medical power of attorney and 2 of my siblings she knows she will never see again as that is in her best interest and it is my responsibilty to protect my mother from anyone I feel is a danger to her, best wishes