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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mom has early onset dementia and needs more help than my dad can provide but he wants to stay with her to spend as much time with her as possible and ease her transition. This must exist, but I haven’t seen it anywhere.
I echo what others have said. If they move into Assisted or Independent Living they can stay together, your Dad can get the extra help he needs to care for Mom. And as your Mom declines she will be more comfortable in the facility where she is. If they are in AL or IL if your Dad wants to go on an outing and your Mom is not up to it they could care/watch her in a Memory Care wing (Look for a facility that will allow for all transitions) this will also get her used to that part of the facility and it will get Dad used to leaving her and doing things on his own.
My dad is currently Mom's primary care giver and says they WILL NOT separate! Mom has Alzheimer's and they have been in an independent living community with assisted living options.
It was apparent early on that eating in the dining room with folks who couldn't feed themselves and needed "assisted care" was distressing to Dad. He made the comment "we'll watch most of these people die." He is very compassionate and always willing to offer help; push a wheelchair, cut up food, etc. and doesn't understand why these folks aren't getting all the "assistance" they appear to need. Some really can't feed themselves. He made me promise not to put them in AL there.
He recently decided to move them to a small 55+ gated community. He was so glad to be away from what he considered a place where they were waiting to die. We looked for an AL or MC place they could have more help with Mom but there were not many choices and cost prohibitive for them to pay for two spaces. They obviously have different levels of need and Dad doesn't need AL.
As others have said, it would be very depressing for him to be in an atmosphere where everyone needs so much care. I think he also doesn't want the constant reminder that Mom is eventually going to be one of those who needs 24/7 care when she can't feed herself and is in a wheelchair. He does everything else for her; changes her, dresses her, bathes her etc. She can feed herself but she is just as likely to eat a spoonful of butter thinking it's ice cream. She is still mobile which helps but she is declining in that respect as well.
For now, we will have home health care come in and hospice eventually but I don't know enough about in-home care to know if they can stay there through end of life. It's tough to watch him want so badly to care for her and it will be devastating for him when he realizes it is more than he can do.
I would try to keep mom home as long as possible with caregivers coming in to help and give your dad a break. How long ago was mom diagnosed?
Your dad must be very devoted to mom for him to consider facility living while still in his 60's. May be the entire family would benefit from the involvement of a family therapist, social worker?
My dad lived in an AL facility that also had a locked memory care unit. There were a few couples who lived there with one of them having dementia. Some lived in an apt., some had one spouse in the locked memory care and the other in an apt. The couples were able to spend time together. There were also people there in their 60’s who had dementia, Parkinson’s, etc. You may be able to find such a situation for your parents.
Yes. It isn’t uncommon. In fact, other than expense, I often wonder why more couples don’t do it. They drift slowly into such isolated lives by staying in their houses. If mom has no negative or dangerous behaviors, they may do just fine in AL rather than much more expensive memory care. Dad can always move out if it doesn’t work and he will have gotten mom settled in a place that will give her much higher quality of life in the long run. The important thing is finding an AL that’s lively enough for your dad. It’s a very wide spectrum in that regard.
I live in a Brookdale assisted living that also has a memory care section. We had a nice two room apartment. They told me he could stay with me unless he became violent or started to wander. A man we knew here stayed in memory care with his wife -- the rooms are large enough for him to have a sofa in there where he slept. In my case, my husband passed away without having to move to memory care. I am in a studio apartment now.
When I was made DPOA for two married friends of mine--the wife with frontal temporal dementia and the husband with memory issues--I started visiting assisted living places. Most of the newer ones just had one small room apartments in the memory care section. Only one place had a choice to two bedroom, one bedroom or efficiency apartments on the memory care floor. They had just converted the assisted living arrangement on one floor to memory care. My friends had to go together because as soon as they were apart, the wife was looking for her husband. When she started to wander at night and walked into the next door townhouse looking for her husband, she needed 24 hour care and it was time to make the move. I had selected a one bedroom apartment for them and the day of the move, another friend took them out to breakfast in a nearby town, then to have their nails done. In the meantime, others of us moved their kitchen, bedroom, and den furniture to their new apartment and arranged it just like their set-up in their townhouse. When they got there around 2 in the afternoon, the husband saw his favorite recliner facing the same tv and the same couch, tables and lamps set up the same way as before. He sat with a sigh of relief and has been happy there ever since. Not once has he suggested leaving and going "home." For all intents and purposes, he is in the same home as before, only with amenities, like meals just down the hall and people to eat and visit with. And I found a place that gives excellent care to Jim and advice for me, since doing this is all new for me. The wife only lived another 5 months before her brain was just shutting down and she could no longer swallow. She was receiving hospice care at that point in the same apartment and died peacefully and comfortably. The husband continues to happily Iive there as before and feels very lucky to have good physical health and everything being taken care of. I take care of all the financial matters and monitor the health services he gets every month. Whenever I have a question, the building health people have good answers for me. So, it has worked out, but my friend's dementia was more advanced than your mom's probably is. This isn't cheap at some $8600 a month, but I was told that once they had paid 18 months at the regular rate, the facility would accept whatever public financing was available, so they, and now him, would never have to leave. Good luck with this care! I have felt very fortunate to receive the help and guidance I have gotten in taking on this responsibility. My best wishes for your success, too!
I found a local senior housing community with a dementia wing. We could each our own apartment, one in traditional wing and one in memory care OR we could use a 2 bedroom apartment in traditional wing. It had kitchen, dining and living room in center with bed and bath on each side. They told me another couple had done this. They eventually hired someone to stay with husband at night and he always went to day program in memory care wing. So ask around. Many places have options.
My parents both live in a memory care but they both have dementia. Their memory care facility requires all residents to have some form of dementia.
My parents were able to live in an independent living apartment with caregivers and me helping out before my mom started to get dementia as well.. When they both started to slip.. there was no way they could stay in that living arrangement.
If your Dad is still with it and your mom has early dementia... possibly that arrangement would work.. for a while anyway.
Ask around - I know that some have rooms that join by a door so each is assigned a room but when they have 2 they usually set it up with beds in 1 & den in other - they would both have a bathroom this way however others each have a separate room but go back & forth between [this is good when they have different sleep patterns]
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If they move into Assisted or Independent Living they can stay together, your Dad can get the extra help he needs to care for Mom. And as your Mom declines she will be more comfortable in the facility where she is.
If they are in AL or IL if your Dad wants to go on an outing and your Mom is not up to it they could care/watch her in a Memory Care wing (Look for a facility that will allow for all transitions) this will also get her used to that part of the facility and it will get Dad used to leaving her and doing things on his own.
It was apparent early on that eating in the dining room with folks who couldn't feed themselves and needed "assisted care" was distressing to Dad. He made the comment "we'll watch most of these people die." He is very compassionate and always willing to offer help; push a wheelchair, cut up food, etc. and doesn't understand why these folks aren't getting all the "assistance" they appear to need. Some really can't feed themselves. He made me promise not to put them in AL there.
He recently decided to move them to a small 55+ gated community. He was so glad to be away from what he considered a place where they were waiting to die. We looked for an AL or MC place they could have more help with Mom but there were not many choices and cost prohibitive for them to pay for two spaces. They obviously have different levels of need and Dad doesn't need AL.
As others have said, it would be very depressing for him to be in an atmosphere where everyone needs so much care. I think he also doesn't want the constant reminder that Mom is eventually going to be one of those who needs 24/7 care when she can't feed herself and is in a wheelchair. He does everything else for her; changes her, dresses her, bathes her etc. She can feed herself but she is just as likely to eat a spoonful of butter thinking it's ice cream. She is still mobile which helps but she is declining in that respect as well.
For now, we will have home health care come in and hospice eventually but I don't know enough about in-home care to know if they can stay there through end of life. It's tough to watch him want so badly to care for her and it will be devastating for him when he realizes it is more than he can do.
Your dad must be very devoted to mom for him to consider facility living while still in his 60's. May be the entire family would benefit from the involvement of a family therapist, social worker?
If mom has no negative or dangerous behaviors, they may do just fine in AL rather than much more expensive memory care. Dad can always move out if it doesn’t work and he will have gotten mom settled in a place that will give her much higher quality of life in the long run. The important thing is finding an AL that’s lively enough for your dad. It’s a very wide spectrum in that regard.
Good luck with this care! I have felt very fortunate to receive the help and guidance I have gotten in taking on this responsibility. My best wishes for your success, too!
So ask around. Many places have options.
My parents were able to live in an independent living apartment with caregivers and me helping out before my mom started to get dementia as well.. When they both started to slip.. there was no way they could stay in that living arrangement.
If your Dad is still with it and your mom has early dementia... possibly that arrangement would work.. for a while anyway.
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