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Its hard to decipher the difference between a personality disorder versus memory loss. Contrary to what generally we believe, the outward signs of memory loss doesn't happen consistently time-after-time. It happens sometimes and other times the memory is back or nearly back to normal. During his good times, does he acknowledge the "bad" time? Can he explain what is driving him to feel during his "bad" times, during the the "good" times?

I would start recording in a journal, the triggers and the reaction. It it happens all the time, then I don't think it is loss of memory. However, if it comes and goes in a cycle (my Mom's cycle was about 5 days), then it probably is memory loss.

Something like what you are seeing could also be caused by a brain tumor. During one of his good times, because he is willing to figure out what is happening, I would try and convince him to see the doctor and get some tests and xrays/cat scan done.

The "loving" person that you fell "in love" with, will care enough about you to try to figure this out, especially if you let him know how you feel during the "bad" episodes. The "other person" is not someone you want to commit to for the rest of your life, and maybe that is what is going on....
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
I would love to get him to the doctor, but if you'll read my responses to others below, you'll see that's like roping the moon. :-\ I think I still can believe that this man is "loving". His behavior is falling back into that pattern over the last week but as I say constantly - I don't settle into it. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Since posting here, I've had a lot more confidence in standing up for myself if anything goes awry. The next time something happens I don't like is when I'm calling a time out.
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He needs to be seen by a neurologist as soon as possible

I’ve read through much of your post here and to me this is a prime example of hindsight is 20/20

my wife has dementia and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

I have many years of hindsight!.

The concern about his hearing is for me a symptom that I overlooked for years.

I eventually figured out that it wasn’t a hearing problem - it was a processing problem.

My wife would respond with a huh?

Ultimately, we determined that the huh was an attempt on her part to give herself a split second longer to process what had just been said.

Clearly, at that point, she was well on her way with her dementia.

The emotional flatness of some of my wife’s responses turned out to be a very clear indicator of dementia.

I could write a book about the warning signs, some of which go back well more than 10 years.

My advice to you is to get a doctors diagnosis ASAP.
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
I like this. I want to make sure he gets help, but he has to be willing. I'm still going to keep an eye on him, but his behavior needs to be kinder if he wants me to stick with him.
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If you describe your romantic relationship as something to be 'endured' and you're giving your partner points for not complaining about you being in the 'big picture' - it's time to get out of that relationship.

You've only been together for two years so it's not like you've built a life together or have a family together.

Call it a day and move on because you deserve better than that.

Consider your current relationship in these terms. If he has early on-set dementia it's going to get worse and most likely you'll be mired in the role of care slave at some point. If he doesn't then the guy is showing his true colors which are he has no respect for you and he's an a$$hole. If this is true, then you're dodging a bullet getting away from that. Either way it's a win-win for you.
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He may have bipolar disorder or another personality disorder (that may or may not have been diagnosed). It sounds a bit like mixed episodes for bipolar disorder, but I'm not a physician. Would you know whether he's taking any medications?
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
Nope, no meds. Just supplements.
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have read amazing reports on a plant based diet being life changing and reversing early onset Alzheimer's. Another thought is that some people have similar symptoms to dementia when they've endured a certain kind of tick born illness. The solution for these few individuals is, amazingly, a plant based diet. Really very strictly plant based with the possible exception of fish but I'm not really sure. Here are some links: (I will break this up because I don't think we can post links here... https:// nutritionfacts (dot) org/video/a-testimonial-from-dr-ornishs-alzheimers-progression-reversal-study/
Let me know if this doesn't work. May you both be well.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 29, 2024
Are you a doctor and the OP's partner is your patient?

I didn't think so.

Don't give medical advice. It is unknown if the OP's partner even has Alzheimer's or not.
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I just want to pipe in one more thought, after my husband retired, we went through a difficult period.

There where times I thought he lost his marbles.

Everytime id leave the house he would rearrange the kitchen, I honestly found him organizing my make drawer. Seriously he was of the wall. I really really laid down the law. Him not wanting to take the garbage to the curb every week to save a few bucks, and wanted to do it every other, was my last straw. I lost it and it wasn't pretty at all.

I honestly suspected dementia, but after I lost it and scared him to the point that he new I was finished unless things changed,

So maybe it's some sort of crisis, like my husband had after retirement

I no longer suspect dementia at all.

Best of luck
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
That sounds like OCD or Autism. Was he ever diagnosed with either or am I totally off base there? It also sounds a lot like my own father, who has both conditions! %-)
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Frankly, as a woman who was married a short while to someone similar to your boyfriend, don’t try to discuss anything, because you are setting yourself up to be abused. Leave him and move on. Whatever the cause- and I think it’s mental illness perhaps exacerbated by the chemicals- he is set in his ways and won’t change for you. There is no reason to stay. He could be gaslighting you and feigning confusion. Please leave him without discussing it. He won’t give you his permission or blessing.
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
We shall see. I have my reasons for staying but not at the expense of my soul or sanity. If it continues to worse, I will leave.
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If you think there is a problem, there probably is. Either option -- that he might have early stage dementia or that the honeymoon is over and he is finally showing his true colors -- are awful. I don't know which scenario would be one to hope for quite honestly.

I guess you should discuss this with him and maybe you can get him to go to a doctor for a workup. Or maybe go for couples counseling first.

I hope it all works out. Best of luck to you.
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Piles and piles of wisdom here! If you go, you will mourn, but you will not be mourning for what you had, you will be mourning for what you wished you’d had; hoped you could have; wanted to have.
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
Yeah and I refuse to not have what I want. Call if a character flaw. I'm not going to mourn what I could have had. I'm either having it or being convinced that he's not capable and therefore I'm off the hook. I'm either forcing/coaxing what I want out of him or not at all. We'll see if he ponies up to it.
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Oops, I meant piles and piles of wisdom ON THIS FORUM!
I feel like I’m getting educated every day.
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Your timeline suggests it was a year or more before you began noticing the problems that are now bothering you. How much of the time were you together that first year--dating once or twice a week or daily or 24/7? If you were dating a time or two a week, it well could be a year before you would notice some personality quirks; if you were together 24/7, the quirks would probably have shown up sooner. Most people can be on their best relationship behavior part-time, but with constant togetherness, there will be more situations which test patience and fray tempers.

Give some thought to how much you actually spent together before these problems began to give yourself a better idea of whether these behaviors are new.

From your description of "poinit-of-view" arguments, it sounds like your boyfriend is one who loves to verbalize his opinions and perhaps "argue" the pros and cons of an issue and that you feel personally threatened by disagreements and prefer to avoid confrontation. It's a difficult but common situatiion. Your boyfriend may not conscioulsy realize it, but when you (it's usually the woman who does not want to "argue"--women get used to a pattern of going along with others' opinions in order to not raock the boat or lose the personal contact) choose "not to engage," your boyfriend feels dismissed and rejected b/c you won't participate. Then he may react with anger toward you b/c he thinks he is angry when, really, he may feel hurt.

I'm rambling on about that--sorry--but it's a situation I've just been helping someone with who described the same dynamic with her boyfriend, They were together for years and years, but she was always trying to disengage from arguments, and would then be devastated b/c "he was mad at her."

He is not likely to get medical or cognitive evaluation on his own. Is your relationship such that he would let you help him arrange such a thing? I am guessing probably not, but if a Dementia diagnosis was somehow made, you could then decide whether stick by him and help him thruogh that journey or whether to walk away.

If it is a personality conflict, give both your and his behaviors some consideration. How confident are you in your own values and opinions about the topics that sometimes come up for "discussion?" We are usually most defensive and "unwilling to engage" when we are not sure of our own stand on an issue.
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FaithWhit Sep 1, 2024
Well, yes and no: we were seeing each other a few times a week but we would talk several times a day. So I had enough contact to see if weird stuff popped up. Trust me, it didn't. This was recent.
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Maybe it’s male menopause?
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FaithWhit Sep 1, 2024
Wouldn't surprise me.
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Okay, my response is going to make me unpopular on this site. Your original post sounds like something my daughter-in-law would say. She is a narcissistic manipulator, with an inherent propensity for mental illness.
You are not a caregiver, which this site is devoted to.
You are a girlfriend, not even a family member, of someone whose actions you describe to be unsettling. For you. There is not a hint of dementia in what you describe, you are simply looking for attention and validation – somewhere – anywhere – and your usual sources have been used up.
I’m not judging. My sincere advice for you is to seek mental health therapy. For you and for your boyfriend, if he is indeed exhibiting such behavior. This relationship sounds very tentative. We are not here to support dysfunctional relationships. This site is dedicated to those who are “Caring” for another. Something you are not currently involved in, and I hope you never have to face.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 31, 2024
I see what you mean, and it probably is inappropriate for this site. Look on the bright side – it is more or less interesting and well written, not as annoying as some of the scams that have been bobbing up recently. I think I get more than my fair share of those, because my time differences collect your mid-night scammers (occasionally quite clearly drunk). I’ll leave Faith to sort out her own dating troubles from now on. Perhaps she’ll come back when the relationship does indeed deteriorate into care for an unpleasant elderly BF?
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Seems he is having problems, but not Alzheimer's disease per se. Things to consider:
1 - He may be stressed, especially if he isn't sleeping well. 2- He may have decided to stop using his "company manners" with you, and you are seeing his true self.
3 - He may have mental health issues or medical issues, a trip to the doctor and maybe a referral to a psychiatrist may be in order.

Ask him to see a doctor with you to explain the changes you have noticed. If he is not willing to go to a doctor, consider if it is worth keeping the boyfriend - especially if his behavior has become a bit abusive.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 31, 2024
Who cares if she keeps her boyfriend? It's not an issue for this site.
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Move on, YOU are Not a Tree.
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The honeymoon is over. Time to move on. You do not want to "buy into" this man's problems. His family should do it, not you. Save yourself, before it's too late!
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