My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now. He recently turned 63 in May. However, since December of 2023, I have begun to notice a gradual decline in his mental state/mood/personality that is inexplicable. I'll explain: When I first met him, he was an even-keeled, calm, introverted, shy kind of guy. He never raised his voice, never got his feathers ruffled by either petty or big annoyances - I loved that about him - and, while not being the most emotionally expressive man in the world, was considerate and a "gentleman".
Fast forward to the last 8 months or so and gradually, things have changed. His mood seems to go up and down from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour (joyful, energetic one morning/flat, caustic attitude the next - and then changes later that day to being peppy and/or down again); he gets agitated while driving, swearing up a storm and flipping off anyone he thinks is driving badly. He will start pointless, odd arguments with me about ridiculous "point-of-view" issues that I try not to engage in, and when I don't, it only makes him more irritated. To make matters worse, if I tell him that something he is doing or saying is upsetting me, his response will be "no, it isn't" (!) or he will simply flat out deny that he even said it at all (!?), despite saying it only a few moments before, almost as if he can't remember or is not even "present" in his own conversation to recall anything he says. If, for instance, he may accidentally bump into me or startle me and I react, he no longer says the obligatory/casual "oh sorry, you ok?" but just doesn't even notice it. If I happen to mention it, he tells me it’s my fault.
He also seems to having a difficult time hearing, has lost a lot of the emotionality he used to have, and just seems...off.
I do know he has trouble with sleeping and aside from being a computer animator, is also a professional craftsman/artist and so uses a lot of chemicals/paints in his work, sometimes in a not-so-ventilated area.
The reason I am posting here is because I have considered every other potential "issue" that might be causing this sudden mood/personality shift (no drugs, no drinking, etc.) and have come up empty every time. I can certainly give more detail if need be, but I wanted to lay out the basics. At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot and I'm not so certain how much more I can take.
I would start recording in a journal, the triggers and the reaction. It it happens all the time, then I don't think it is loss of memory. However, if it comes and goes in a cycle (my Mom's cycle was about 5 days), then it probably is memory loss.
Something like what you are seeing could also be caused by a brain tumor. During one of his good times, because he is willing to figure out what is happening, I would try and convince him to see the doctor and get some tests and xrays/cat scan done.
The "loving" person that you fell "in love" with, will care enough about you to try to figure this out, especially if you let him know how you feel during the "bad" episodes. The "other person" is not someone you want to commit to for the rest of your life, and maybe that is what is going on....
I’ve read through much of your post here and to me this is a prime example of hindsight is 20/20
my wife has dementia and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
I have many years of hindsight!.
The concern about his hearing is for me a symptom that I overlooked for years.
I eventually figured out that it wasn’t a hearing problem - it was a processing problem.
My wife would respond with a huh?
Ultimately, we determined that the huh was an attempt on her part to give herself a split second longer to process what had just been said.
Clearly, at that point, she was well on her way with her dementia.
The emotional flatness of some of my wife’s responses turned out to be a very clear indicator of dementia.
I could write a book about the warning signs, some of which go back well more than 10 years.
My advice to you is to get a doctors diagnosis ASAP.
You've only been together for two years so it's not like you've built a life together or have a family together.
Call it a day and move on because you deserve better than that.
Consider your current relationship in these terms. If he has early on-set dementia it's going to get worse and most likely you'll be mired in the role of care slave at some point. If he doesn't then the guy is showing his true colors which are he has no respect for you and he's an a$$hole. If this is true, then you're dodging a bullet getting away from that. Either way it's a win-win for you.
Let me know if this doesn't work. May you both be well.
I didn't think so.
Don't give medical advice. It is unknown if the OP's partner even has Alzheimer's or not.
There where times I thought he lost his marbles.
Everytime id leave the house he would rearrange the kitchen, I honestly found him organizing my make drawer. Seriously he was of the wall. I really really laid down the law. Him not wanting to take the garbage to the curb every week to save a few bucks, and wanted to do it every other, was my last straw. I lost it and it wasn't pretty at all.
I honestly suspected dementia, but after I lost it and scared him to the point that he new I was finished unless things changed,
So maybe it's some sort of crisis, like my husband had after retirement
I no longer suspect dementia at all.
Best of luck
I guess you should discuss this with him and maybe you can get him to go to a doctor for a workup. Or maybe go for couples counseling first.
I hope it all works out. Best of luck to you.
I feel like I’m getting educated every day.
Give some thought to how much you actually spent together before these problems began to give yourself a better idea of whether these behaviors are new.
From your description of "poinit-of-view" arguments, it sounds like your boyfriend is one who loves to verbalize his opinions and perhaps "argue" the pros and cons of an issue and that you feel personally threatened by disagreements and prefer to avoid confrontation. It's a difficult but common situatiion. Your boyfriend may not conscioulsy realize it, but when you (it's usually the woman who does not want to "argue"--women get used to a pattern of going along with others' opinions in order to not raock the boat or lose the personal contact) choose "not to engage," your boyfriend feels dismissed and rejected b/c you won't participate. Then he may react with anger toward you b/c he thinks he is angry when, really, he may feel hurt.
I'm rambling on about that--sorry--but it's a situation I've just been helping someone with who described the same dynamic with her boyfriend, They were together for years and years, but she was always trying to disengage from arguments, and would then be devastated b/c "he was mad at her."
He is not likely to get medical or cognitive evaluation on his own. Is your relationship such that he would let you help him arrange such a thing? I am guessing probably not, but if a Dementia diagnosis was somehow made, you could then decide whether stick by him and help him thruogh that journey or whether to walk away.
If it is a personality conflict, give both your and his behaviors some consideration. How confident are you in your own values and opinions about the topics that sometimes come up for "discussion?" We are usually most defensive and "unwilling to engage" when we are not sure of our own stand on an issue.
You are not a caregiver, which this site is devoted to.
You are a girlfriend, not even a family member, of someone whose actions you describe to be unsettling. For you. There is not a hint of dementia in what you describe, you are simply looking for attention and validation – somewhere – anywhere – and your usual sources have been used up.
I’m not judging. My sincere advice for you is to seek mental health therapy. For you and for your boyfriend, if he is indeed exhibiting such behavior. This relationship sounds very tentative. We are not here to support dysfunctional relationships. This site is dedicated to those who are “Caring” for another. Something you are not currently involved in, and I hope you never have to face.
1 - He may be stressed, especially if he isn't sleeping well. 2- He may have decided to stop using his "company manners" with you, and you are seeing his true self.
3 - He may have mental health issues or medical issues, a trip to the doctor and maybe a referral to a psychiatrist may be in order.
Ask him to see a doctor with you to explain the changes you have noticed. If he is not willing to go to a doctor, consider if it is worth keeping the boyfriend - especially if his behavior has become a bit abusive.