My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now. He recently turned 63 in May. However, since December of 2023, I have begun to notice a gradual decline in his mental state/mood/personality that is inexplicable. I'll explain: When I first met him, he was an even-keeled, calm, introverted, shy kind of guy. He never raised his voice, never got his feathers ruffled by either petty or big annoyances - I loved that about him - and, while not being the most emotionally expressive man in the world, was considerate and a "gentleman".
Fast forward to the last 8 months or so and gradually, things have changed. His mood seems to go up and down from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour (joyful, energetic one morning/flat, caustic attitude the next - and then changes later that day to being peppy and/or down again); he gets agitated while driving, swearing up a storm and flipping off anyone he thinks is driving badly. He will start pointless, odd arguments with me about ridiculous "point-of-view" issues that I try not to engage in, and when I don't, it only makes him more irritated. To make matters worse, if I tell him that something he is doing or saying is upsetting me, his response will be "no, it isn't" (!) or he will simply flat out deny that he even said it at all (!?), despite saying it only a few moments before, almost as if he can't remember or is not even "present" in his own conversation to recall anything he says. If, for instance, he may accidentally bump into me or startle me and I react, he no longer says the obligatory/casual "oh sorry, you ok?" but just doesn't even notice it. If I happen to mention it, he tells me it’s my fault.
He also seems to having a difficult time hearing, has lost a lot of the emotionality he used to have, and just seems...off.
I do know he has trouble with sleeping and aside from being a computer animator, is also a professional craftsman/artist and so uses a lot of chemicals/paints in his work, sometimes in a not-so-ventilated area.
The reason I am posting here is because I have considered every other potential "issue" that might be causing this sudden mood/personality shift (no drugs, no drinking, etc.) and have come up empty every time. I can certainly give more detail if need be, but I wanted to lay out the basics. At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot and I'm not so certain how much more I can take.
1 - He may be stressed, especially if he isn't sleeping well. 2- He may have decided to stop using his "company manners" with you, and you are seeing his true self.
3 - He may have mental health issues or medical issues, a trip to the doctor and maybe a referral to a psychiatrist may be in order.
Ask him to see a doctor with you to explain the changes you have noticed. If he is not willing to go to a doctor, consider if it is worth keeping the boyfriend - especially if his behavior has become a bit abusive.
You are not a caregiver, which this site is devoted to.
You are a girlfriend, not even a family member, of someone whose actions you describe to be unsettling. For you. There is not a hint of dementia in what you describe, you are simply looking for attention and validation – somewhere – anywhere – and your usual sources have been used up.
I’m not judging. My sincere advice for you is to seek mental health therapy. For you and for your boyfriend, if he is indeed exhibiting such behavior. This relationship sounds very tentative. We are not here to support dysfunctional relationships. This site is dedicated to those who are “Caring” for another. Something you are not currently involved in, and I hope you never have to face.
Give some thought to how much you actually spent together before these problems began to give yourself a better idea of whether these behaviors are new.
From your description of "poinit-of-view" arguments, it sounds like your boyfriend is one who loves to verbalize his opinions and perhaps "argue" the pros and cons of an issue and that you feel personally threatened by disagreements and prefer to avoid confrontation. It's a difficult but common situatiion. Your boyfriend may not conscioulsy realize it, but when you (it's usually the woman who does not want to "argue"--women get used to a pattern of going along with others' opinions in order to not raock the boat or lose the personal contact) choose "not to engage," your boyfriend feels dismissed and rejected b/c you won't participate. Then he may react with anger toward you b/c he thinks he is angry when, really, he may feel hurt.
I'm rambling on about that--sorry--but it's a situation I've just been helping someone with who described the same dynamic with her boyfriend, They were together for years and years, but she was always trying to disengage from arguments, and would then be devastated b/c "he was mad at her."
He is not likely to get medical or cognitive evaluation on his own. Is your relationship such that he would let you help him arrange such a thing? I am guessing probably not, but if a Dementia diagnosis was somehow made, you could then decide whether stick by him and help him thruogh that journey or whether to walk away.
If it is a personality conflict, give both your and his behaviors some consideration. How confident are you in your own values and opinions about the topics that sometimes come up for "discussion?" We are usually most defensive and "unwilling to engage" when we are not sure of our own stand on an issue.
I feel like I’m getting educated every day.
I guess you should discuss this with him and maybe you can get him to go to a doctor for a workup. Or maybe go for couples counseling first.
I hope it all works out. Best of luck to you.
There where times I thought he lost his marbles.
Everytime id leave the house he would rearrange the kitchen, I honestly found him organizing my make drawer. Seriously he was of the wall. I really really laid down the law. Him not wanting to take the garbage to the curb every week to save a few bucks, and wanted to do it every other, was my last straw. I lost it and it wasn't pretty at all.
I honestly suspected dementia, but after I lost it and scared him to the point that he new I was finished unless things changed,
So maybe it's some sort of crisis, like my husband had after retirement
I no longer suspect dementia at all.
Best of luck
Let me know if this doesn't work. May you both be well.
I didn't think so.
Don't give medical advice. It is unknown if the OP's partner even has Alzheimer's or not.
You've only been together for two years so it's not like you've built a life together or have a family together.
Call it a day and move on because you deserve better than that.
Consider your current relationship in these terms. If he has early on-set dementia it's going to get worse and most likely you'll be mired in the role of care slave at some point. If he doesn't then the guy is showing his true colors which are he has no respect for you and he's an a$$hole. If this is true, then you're dodging a bullet getting away from that. Either way it's a win-win for you.
I’ve read through much of your post here and to me this is a prime example of hindsight is 20/20
my wife has dementia and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
I have many years of hindsight!.
The concern about his hearing is for me a symptom that I overlooked for years.
I eventually figured out that it wasn’t a hearing problem - it was a processing problem.
My wife would respond with a huh?
Ultimately, we determined that the huh was an attempt on her part to give herself a split second longer to process what had just been said.
Clearly, at that point, she was well on her way with her dementia.
The emotional flatness of some of my wife’s responses turned out to be a very clear indicator of dementia.
I could write a book about the warning signs, some of which go back well more than 10 years.
My advice to you is to get a doctors diagnosis ASAP.
I would start recording in a journal, the triggers and the reaction. It it happens all the time, then I don't think it is loss of memory. However, if it comes and goes in a cycle (my Mom's cycle was about 5 days), then it probably is memory loss.
Something like what you are seeing could also be caused by a brain tumor. During one of his good times, because he is willing to figure out what is happening, I would try and convince him to see the doctor and get some tests and xrays/cat scan done.
The "loving" person that you fell "in love" with, will care enough about you to try to figure this out, especially if you let him know how you feel during the "bad" episodes. The "other person" is not someone you want to commit to for the rest of your life, and maybe that is what is going on....
Perhaps he's just moody with you. The newness and excitement of the relationship has now turned into the mundane daily realities of life. Some people are simply not comfortable sharing that much of their space and their time with another.
Whatever the reason, if you don't like his behavior, it may be time to move on from this relationship. You can suggest he get therapy, and if he is willing, that may help, if you want to wait it out.
The glaring issue here is that you want to "fix" him. Your expectations of him do not match what he is giving you. It could be your own insecurities or personality disorder that is creating this "problem". In any case, no one should "endure" a relationship. It's time to move on.
We also don't live together. And yes, there are glaring differences between what he's giving and what I need. It's up to him to change that and up to me to decided what I will tolerate or not.
Mood swings were a salient feature in my wife which compelled us to go see a neurologist, leading to a diagnosis of Frontotemporal Dementia, FTD. I highly recommend that you convince him to see a neurologist sooner than later.
Good luck.
Or he could have a Pornography addiction that you are not aware of. Porn addiction causes many other mood and behavioral problems.
If you ask him and he says no, that doesn’t mean that he’s not an addict. Pornography addiction is very shameful to the person experiencing it. They will lie and cover it up.
Any kind of screen addiction could also cause mood issues and erratic behavior.
There is a dopamine deficiency and the lack of dopamine causes the symptoms that cause the behavior.
Trust me, I considered this. I haven't completely ruled it out, nonetheless! But I knew a narcissist previously to him - my guy is a 360 degree opposite, thank God. Self-absorbed in his own crafting world at times, but never to the point of narcissism.
I recently started having problems completing my work projects. I just could not remember next steps and started freezing up over the processes that required intellect - things that weren't black and white.
Perhaps the difference is that I reached out to every professional for their perspective. It sounds like your guy isn't willing. An issue for both of you. FaithWhit, you will be in my prayers.
Here is my result. Diagnosed with depression (Dysthymic Disorder) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder from a mental health perspective, likely due to an unsafe childhood environment and other stressors. Then, my primary care physician referred me for an MRI. That test uncovered two additional diagnoses. Basically, brain atrophy that was advanced beyond my 63 years. My neurologist calmed my nerves by ruling out early Alzheimer's. He gave me a great analogy. He referenced the age spots on my arms and said that I have age spots in my brain tissue. Unfortunately, these were more advanced for a person of my age. Fortunately, his advice was a low-dose aspirin daily and to continue therapy for my mental health issues.
In addition, I felt like my wife started mumbling. Hah! So, I went to an ENT doc and was diagnosed with hearing loss. He shared with me how hearing loss impacts the brain. He explained that this impacts the area of my brain that is also impacted by Covid. I had a severe case of Covid two years ago while in Europe. This timeframe correlated to when I started noticing that my wife mumbled. Again, hah! It's really interesting what multiple studies have associated with hearing loss.
But, let me share another perspective. My mother remarried a man 21 years her senior. It worked great while she was 40 and he was a young 60! To others' points of view, she did become a caretaker. She aged more quickly that one would expect and is currently in hospice care at 83.
I wish I could help you more! You're unfortunately in a hard spot. You, alone, will have to decide what is best for you. My thoughts are this; if my wife didn't find some value in our relationship, I'd want her to make the hard decision to leave me. But she didn't have your added problem of convincing me to seek help.
I've found this forum helpful with issues related to my mother's aging and haven't offered much up until now. I see your situation and it seems a lot like what I've been going through from your partner's perspective.
I never left my husband when he developed dementia, but stayed with him until the end.
But if I was now dating someone who started showing signs of any mental issues/decline, I'd choose to run too, as I don't ever want to go through that again.
I am grateful that you have a loving wife that like me, took her wedding vows very seriously, and is walking along side you on this difficult journey.
Researching the many experts, books, You Tubes, webinars, etc.
I encourage you to google TEEPA SNOW, read her books, do her webinars, and watch her You Tubes.
Contact a local dementia / Alz Association for support / information.
Gena / Touch Matters
1. When is the last time your boyfriend had a CBC test? cholesterol and blood pressure?
2. If your boyfriend is following politics too closely, he may be reacting to the environment.
Georgia
That’s too involved focused on yourself, Miss NOT this!
You can't fix him or make him get well.
I suggest reading the book, "Why does he do that. Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." by Lundy Bancroft. There are also many videos on Youtube to watch. It's quite the eye-opener.
His "bumps" into you may not be accidental at all. His foul mood swings may just be who he really is, and it's now coming out.
If you stick with this guy and eventually move or get married then prepare for many years of unhappiness.
I wish you peace.
But as you say some people don't go to doctors, I know a few too. But if you are persistence and tell him that its this way or no way maybe he will who knows.
When he starts to argue with you WALK AWAY. Don't let him do this. He will get the message hopefully.
Prayers
The *only* thing he has done recently to change things? He's starting to make and drink his own smoothies because he thinks that somehow will contribute to overall good health and as he said "I can stick around longer for my sweetie." Lord...
My husband grew up playing hockey (and still plays 3x a week), also had a roll-over car accident and then a kite skiing accident that resulted in him losing his memory for 12 hours. I watch him closely for signs of CTE, not that anything can help him if he did develop it.
Aside from this, you are 22 years apart in age. Odds are that you will become his caregiver sooner rather than later. AND you said he's not one to take care of his health and go to a doctor regularly -- even when he had a bacterial infection in his tooth YOU had to make the appointment *like his Mom*. If you live 2 hours apart, how often do you see each other? How well do you really know this guy after 2 years?
"At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot ..."
Of course he never complains and doesn't want to end things -- he now has a free caregiver-in-training who is ready to orbit around him in his planned helplessness. You shouldn't be enduring anything...
Yup, he played baseball when he was younger but never had concussions with that....HOWEVER! Now that you do mention it, he did hit his head on a piece of plexiglass in his apartment on accident. It left a scratch on his forehead, but I don't think he hit it that hard. He's had a few bicycle accidents in his youth, but I don't believe he's had a concussion that I know of.
We see each other a few times each week. Rarely does a week go by where we aren't getting together and we talk regularly each day. We've traveled together. He's rather independent and introverted, so he doesn't need people or contact the way I do, so he's use to being solo, but goes out and does things with me on a regular basis.
In your shoes and aged around 60, I would get out of this. Even if his behavior is about the craft chemicals, he probably won’t stop the craft. It’s all too hard, and there are too many red flags. I'd do it now, because the longer you leave it, the harder are the other options.
If you want a relationship that will last into the future, put some effort now into broadening your options. I’d suggest that for anyone else, you meet their friends and family, and find out more about their past (and past relationships). Give yourself some other options. If you haven't done this with the current BF, do it now. You never know what you will find out.
I just turned 40, so I'm considerably younger than he is (22 years). I was "stuck" as you say in my last relationship for 16 years being married to an Autistic guy because I didn't have the strength to get out, so yes - I totally understand that. Everything was perfect with my current BF and he was such a blast of fresh air from my previous experience, which is why we gelled so quickly. What burdens me is that he's going down this dark path and I have no interest in navigating it with him, other than to get him help and get him OUT of it if I can. Otherwise --- I'm gone.