My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now. He recently turned 63 in May. However, since December of 2023, I have begun to notice a gradual decline in his mental state/mood/personality that is inexplicable. I'll explain: When I first met him, he was an even-keeled, calm, introverted, shy kind of guy. He never raised his voice, never got his feathers ruffled by either petty or big annoyances - I loved that about him - and, while not being the most emotionally expressive man in the world, was considerate and a "gentleman".
Fast forward to the last 8 months or so and gradually, things have changed. His mood seems to go up and down from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour (joyful, energetic one morning/flat, caustic attitude the next - and then changes later that day to being peppy and/or down again); he gets agitated while driving, swearing up a storm and flipping off anyone he thinks is driving badly. He will start pointless, odd arguments with me about ridiculous "point-of-view" issues that I try not to engage in, and when I don't, it only makes him more irritated. To make matters worse, if I tell him that something he is doing or saying is upsetting me, his response will be "no, it isn't" (!) or he will simply flat out deny that he even said it at all (!?), despite saying it only a few moments before, almost as if he can't remember or is not even "present" in his own conversation to recall anything he says. If, for instance, he may accidentally bump into me or startle me and I react, he no longer says the obligatory/casual "oh sorry, you ok?" but just doesn't even notice it. If I happen to mention it, he tells me it’s my fault.
He also seems to having a difficult time hearing, has lost a lot of the emotionality he used to have, and just seems...off.
I do know he has trouble with sleeping and aside from being a computer animator, is also a professional craftsman/artist and so uses a lot of chemicals/paints in his work, sometimes in a not-so-ventilated area.
The reason I am posting here is because I have considered every other potential "issue" that might be causing this sudden mood/personality shift (no drugs, no drinking, etc.) and have come up empty every time. I can certainly give more detail if need be, but I wanted to lay out the basics. At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot and I'm not so certain how much more I can take.
I have known several people personally with glioblastoma. Most recently my niece’s husband died after 19 months of treatment.
He returned from a 40 mi bike ride (his norm) and my niece noticed something. She called her RN son and they questioned him a bit. Answered everything correctly until he got to his BD. Didn’t know his birthday. Trip to the ER that day, tests in the ER. He knew he had a brain tumor in less than 24 hours.
Looking back, there were decisions he made that were questionable. He had taken a new position several states away. My niece, his wife, didn’t think he should take the job so far away from their home. She wanted him to retire. He bought a condo in the new state and flew home every few weeks. He just happened to be home with wife for the weekend. Diagnosed at 68. Dead at 70.
The other one that stands out to me is a guy who worked for DH. Bizarre behavior out of the blue. I thought he had dementia just by listening to conversations he was having with DH. Diagnosed at 64, dead within a couple of weeks at 65.
He was working/living away from home and becoming stranger by the minute it seemed. His wife went to visit and called my DH alarmed at what she found.
Each of these wives might have noticed something earlier if they had been living together 24/7.
Might be worth reading about a bit and seeing if you can get him in for a CT or MRI.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17032-glioblastoma
Headaches
dizziness
nausea and vomiting
abdominal pain
mood swings and belligerence
appearing intoxicated
decline in thinking skills, concentration, and decision-making ability
loss of interest in normal activities
damage to personal relationships
numbness
tingling in hands and feet
loss of coordination
fatigue
hearing loss
apathy
impaired judgment
Brain damage
Sniffing glue and other inhalants — especially those that include the solvents toluene and naphthalene — can damage the myelin sheath, the thin covering around the nerve fibers in the brain and the rest of your nervous system. This damage can cause long-term harm to brain function, causing neurological problems similar to those seen with multiple sclerosis.
Your bf has a few of the symptoms listed above. Dementia presents a bit differently, more like forgetting everything constantly and putting his keys in the freezer, like Alva said. Your bf may be reacting to chemical toxin overload in his system instead.
Really, we can only guess at what's going on. But he should see the doctor stat for a full physical and cognitive workup, with labs to see what his bloodwork looks like. In any event, I think I'd be bowing out of this relationship if it were me. You need to be part of a team where your man treats you with loving attention and patience. Not where you're going to be the subject of his wrath, for WHATEVER reason, medical or behavioral. Who cares? Sometimes love is not enough when you're facing a situation like this.
Good luck to you.
And YES, he's also allergic to a lot of the chemicals he uses in his crafting, but he's still going at it and won't give it up. He tries his best to keep his place ventilated when he's working and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (ugh). Personally I think it's the chemicals doing this or at least part of his personality change (I think others below are right on the money - I think it might be depression) because he's had an unusual amount of orders come in for his crafting and he's been inundated with chemicals for the past 3 weeks. I'm in a holding pattern at the moment to see what happens when he finishes this batch. However, the past three weeks doesn't explain the way he's been acting/feeling since December of last year. Around that time, he did tell me he was feeling down and there seemed to be some sort of "shift" in his outlook on life, but more or less that "shift" seemed to go up and down, so I didn't pay attention to it. But as you say, I deserve a loving, patient man and if his behavior does not alter into his "old" self that I loved, I'm going to have to move on.
RUN
Have your boyfriend go to his primary doctor or to an Urgent Care, where he can be tested for UTI. It's very simple: peeing in a cup. Usually the results can be found while you wait. The treatment is antibiotics.
You are speaking of someone with mental illness, depression, unhappiness, and etc. And you certainly are speaking of someone I would not care to live with. This isn't a husband. This isn't a partner. You call him a "boyfriend" and the whole purpose of boyfriend and girlfriend is to learn if this is someone you want to live with lifelong?
So is he? Someone you wish to live with? For me, he would not be. I think you cannot change people. You aren't responsible for their happiness. But you are responsible for your own and your own choices. You say he makes no indication he wants to end things. No, why would he? He gets to be as grumpy and abusive as he wants to be and you dance around trying to make it OK.
I would seek counseling with him. If he doesn't care to go that would be the line of crossing. I would be out of there.
I had a woman tell me 50 yrs ago to go thru 4 seasons with a person before getting serious. It takes that long for someone to start showing their real colors. Do not be a martyr here. Do not get anymore into this relationship till you find out what is going on. Don't give up your life for someone you have only known for 2 yrs. If you don't live together good easier to back off. If he is living with you, ask him to leave and why. If your living with him, u leave telling him why. Please, your gut is telling you something. Get out before he takes his anger out on you.
But I concur - I'm not going to dig in any more to this relationship until we get this sorted. I love him more than anything, but I'm thinking that putting that love I have on ice for now is the best course of action - I refuse to give and give and not get anything in return.
As I read your post, I did detect cognitive dissonance on your part. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances. Even though we see changes in someone's treatment of us, we always revert back to the beginning of how we were treated during the honeymoon period of the relationship. Are these actually dementia symptoms or some other type of personality disorder when he deflects and gaslights you into thinking everything is okay. Is he displaying intermittent abuse cycles to keep you off balanced?
In order to get an accurate diagnosis he needs to accept that he's having a problem. If he's in denial, there's literally nothing you can do. Even if it's dementia... there's nothing you can do -- except notify his next of kin, if he is close to any other family.
He may have anosognosia, which is a lack of ability to perceive the realities of one’s own condition. It’s a person’s inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis.
If it were me I would opt out of this relationship right now unless you want to get sucked into being a verbally abused, exhausted caregiver by an ungrateful person, rather than being a happy girlfriend with a loving BF who have a future together.
You can't rescue him. Breaking up may be the only thing that snaps him into the reality of his behavioral situation. It's not your job to fix him. He can't be fixed without his willing participation.
But I agree with what others are saying, run, no matter what the reason is.
We have discussed this on the forum, at 60 if something happens to my husband, I'll never get into another long term relationship, because I'm going to be done caregiving by then .
Best of luck
But whatever the reason, this should be a HUGE red flag for you, and one that you definitely shouldn't ignore.
One should not have to endure a lot in a healthy dating relationship, so it may be time to seriously rethink this relationship.
You also have choices.
To keep 'walking on eggshells' around his moods. Or not. Walk out of the room, do not engage if any put downs.
Find a calmer time to discuss things. See if in a quieter time he opens up?
Keep your friendships. Start finding hobbies without him. Keep looking for joy in your life. Whether you stick around or not is up to you.
Otherwise he sounds like his "dating behavior" has faded into who he really is.
I would get out now, before you invest more valuable time in a relationship you don't seem happy with.