I am trying to be short and vague. Hubby's mother lives nearby in an assisted living facility. None of her other kids live in our state, it's hubby, me and our adult kids. She has had issues for the 30 years I've known her, but it's gotten so much worse. First of all, she was always in a fog. I saw an old picture of her and noticed even back then, her eyes just look dead. She's had delusions before, but it always seemed either to be the result of her abusing prescription drugs or she just wants attention. When my mother was dying, MIL was all, "Me, me, look at meeee!" Ditto for when her husband died. The first words out of her mouth when she found out her husband had died were, "What am I going to do now?" She is horrid. So, now she is in assisted living and they control her medicine so she's not abusing. She has had a UTI for a couple of weeks, at least, and the antibiotics don't seem to be helping. I don't know if the UTI has caused her current "episode" or if it's something else but she is hallucinating and exhibiting symptoms of extreme paranoia. She's made threats towards people she thinks are going to hurt her.
She will probably be "Baker Acted" soon and I am trying not to think about what will happen if she can't go back to her facility, I told my husband many years ago I would not live in a house with her.
Hubby is at the end of his rope. Now, he's concerned he could get fired because he is taking off so much time to deal with her. I haven't told him, but he's sounding like her, just not as bad. My other big fear is that she's turning him into her and then I'll have 2 of them.
He's early 50s, she's over 80. A few minutes ago, he wandered out of our bedroom. Did you have a nice nap? I don't know. Do you want to watch some TV? I don't know. Then he went back into our room.
He needs a break, I know he needs a break, she is toxic and is poisoning him to death. By extension, she is poisoning our family.
Any advice or help or sympathy or anything? Are we horrible if we keep in touch with her caregivers, so we know what's going on, but just stay away for a while? He has been going to see her at least 3 times a week and I think that's too many but he didn't ask me.
Sounds harsh, but you may need to give your husband the old “her or me”speech. Self-preservation and all that. I had to. Only I did it with his family. He has a mentally challenged sister and whenever mom and pop decided to travel, guess who had to “babysit”for her? And, she was more spoiled than anything else. Dealing with her tantrums was a nightmare and hubs didn’t help.
Your husband sounds like he needs someone to step up and say “that’s it”. That’s you. Good luck. Keep us updated.
When I called her horrid, I didn't mean because of her mental issues she is currently experiencing. I mean because she has been hateful and self-centered and mean ever since I've known her, almost 30 years.
As of now, the UTI has cleared up and she is in the psychiatric ward due to hallucinations. I know we can't just stop visiting her now, I am hoping we can "take turns" so nobody goes every day.
And, she moved to live near us because she didn't have any family in the city where she lived most of her adult life. Also, she and her husband were in independent living and that facility had independent and memory care, no assisted living so she would have somehow had to have found a place to live and she couldn't have done that on her own.
BUT back on topic. Your husband could go before his mother. Seriously. He's cracking. He needs to take a break and it's absolutely fine for him not to see her for a while. I say this because when we are all getting desperate and burned out, we all sound more callous than we actually are - it's the survival mode moving in. Today, after I had something break all over the floor, and my dad called me on the monitor for a poop assist, and I realized I forgot to finish an assignment and missed a deadline for the best client in the world, I completely lost it. LOST. IT. And started telling my hubby, God, I just can't take this. I just pray PRAY for him to die in his sleep. And of course, I don't want him to die. I want to be free from the care. There are no openings in nursing homes that I would trust him in - NONE - in a 30 mile radius, so now looking at small residential nursing homes. But I'm burned out. In the midst of my sobbing, I talked about the fact that I've watched my career be shredded in front of my eyes - my career! That I have spent the last 30 years building! Because there's no way for me to focus, no way for me to concentrate or take on a FT position because I must Care For My Dad. (I'm writing this while I wait for him to finish up on side bed commode) And yet....all of this is because I'm simply worn out. I love my dad - and when I think about him eventually dying, it just breaks my heart. But I'm not allowed to be a daughter right now, I'm so mired in his complex care, that's all I get to do. And like your MIL, he's not particularly grateful nor loving most of the time. He's too busy scraping to stay on the edge of the cliff, and anything that isn't tied to that, he's not interested in. (I might be the same way) ... So don't let anyone question anything about the time your hubby is spending. He. Is. Burned. Out. He needs to get away, get some talk time in - or at least a beer in silence- and piece his brain together again. The fear of losing his job could kill him on its own. I know this. I spent this morning screaming in the garage over the same fear. Hugs to you. Oh. One thing I forgot - paying for private caretaker. Excellent idea. I DO have a CNA who comes in and is pretty and wonderful and perky, and she has saved my life. And made HIS life much better. A great idea.
I am a distance caregiver and only see my mother, who is now in an NH, a few times a year, but I am in close contact with the staff by phone, have met them all, and she is well cared for. I definitely recommend, as most here do, for you and hub to take some time off for mental and physical health reasons. Your hub will be no good for anyone if his health breaks down, and he and you must keep up with your own health care. His mother sounds narcissistic, and if you have lived with one you recognise it, and if you haven't, you won't. The solution is to set strong boundaries, or she will keep making unrealistic demands on your time.
The first issues I would work on are visits - cut back on them, take a few weeks break and then go back to a better schedule, and phone calls which need to be limited. Not all phone calls must be answered right away. They can go to voicemail.The staff will call you if there is a real crisis. I think your hub may need the help of a therapist to learn to set appropriate boundaries. Good luck and keep us informed.
Big hug and good luck.
NO, she is NOT horrid. That was the moment that she realized she was alone and that her DH was not coming back - that was the moment that she might have realized that now she had to do everything. It's called 'shock' and probably a lot of technical things.
Instead of thinking your mother was horrid - she needed hugging very much and often! I have witnessed this myself too many times. DH is berated for everything but becomes 'goodness personified' after passing. It's just the way the mind deals with grief and guilt. Nothing "horrid" about it.
RE: "me - me - me - me - me" - this is a very real fear about "how will I manage now that I'm alone". Think for a minute - most of these people went from Parents to Marriage. This is the first time the person is totally alone and sadly, aged and ailing.
I deal with the "me - me - me - me - me" by saying it aloud to my DH with a joke in my voice. Then he laughs. He can't help it - he needs help and that pretty much means a lot of "me-ism" (not a technical term - my terminology).
I lived alone for 10 years before meeting the love of my life - so maybe, just maybe, I will be a little better prepared for when he must leave me. And right now I'm having to deal with my chores, his chores, and not leaving him alone for more than 30 minutes at a time. There simply is no one else to call on so I am 24/7 with him.
However, back to your question - no, it is NOT horrible for you to stay away and call the caregiver. If you cannot handle the visit - then don't go. It won't help anyone if you fall apart. The above was just so you could see the other side of the coin.
Maybe you'll be able to see your mother again in the near future - I'm not God, I can't say.
Huggers to you.
Linda
I'd step back from the situation and let my husband deal with his mother. His priority should be keeping his job unless you can live without his salary. It's really tough to find a job if you're over 50, even if you're a great worker with extensive experience.
My brother is alcoholic and sister alcoholic, drug user, lies, cheats, and anyone who gets to know her learns to avoid her. I was the stable, helpful, productive child all of my life, but mummy dearest is suspicious and paranoid of me.
Twice I rescued her medically. The first time I found her a good doctor to do her cancer surgery right away, then took care of her in my home for a month. The second time I took care of her after a bad fall so she didn't have to go into a nursing home--she couldn't drive or take her right arm out of sling for three months.
Neither brother nor sister called, visited or wrote after either episode.
She won't admit she needed help either time or appreciate what I did.
My siblings are her angels. Next time she needs help she can go into a nursing home. I'll be demonized for not helping her but I no longer care.
So I know what you mean about being Prodigal. Please take care of yourself.
MIL is over 80 and has been living in her facility for 18 months.
She moved into the ALF because..? Was this shortly after her husband died, or was there another primary reason?
What are her underlying health conditions, not including the current acute uti?
Just trying to get a handle on whether you and husband could be looking at light at the end of the tunnel or the full twenty year stretch...
It's a matter of thinking through which battles to pick.
Advice? Love yourselves. The Bible says to honor your parents, but nowhere does it say to be their doormat. Respect yourselves. You have earned the right to be loved.
Meanwhile, hubby is on the road driving 12 hours to a funeral. His boss told him to take off the time he needed which might just be 3 bereavement days. He's not off on Friday, but Wednesday is a vacation day so he might get this week off, just not as a vacation.
You think ur husband is "me, me" because he is worked about losing his job? I think he is justified in feeling this way. Companies don't tend to be sympathetic to taking to much time off. Is Mom able to call him at work? Maybe she and the AL should be told that no calls should be made to him and emergncy phone calls go to you. Then u can determine what is really important. I really don't think visiting 3x a week is too much but maybe cutting back for a while would give him time to relax and help to deal with everything better. He will not be a horrible son by looking after himself.
Hubby is on the road, right now, driving to a close family member's funeral, so no rest for him. It's a close family member as in closely related, the family member had issues with alcohol and alienated pretty much everyone in the family. He's actually missing out on a scheduled doctor's appointment. At the very least, I'm going to see if he can talk to a minister friend.
And, totally off-topic, but I think a lot of people here might be able to relate. I chose my user name because I treated my parents well, but oh, my other siblings were OH SO WONDERFUL, according to our parents, and I was just bad. One actually stole a good bit of $$$, one was very good to them near the end but caused problems when they were healthy. I know this is not the message of the Biblical parable, but I always felt sorry for the brother of the Prodigal Son, the one who stayed home and did what he was supposed to and nobody killed a fatted calf for him! So, I'm the Prodigal's Sister but that was too many characters. :)
My Dad had a caregiver when he lived at home, and he was lucky enough to be able to bring her to senior living. This gave him a routine. Thus when he woke up in the morning, there was her smiling face, and she got Dad ready for the day, and kept him busy during her shift. He just loved all the attention :)
Your husband sounds stressed to the point of a breakdown - does he have a regular doctor - would he go see him or her ?
Will he have a few days off over the thanksgiving weekend to rest?
UTIs are extremely difficult to manage - they cause severe agitation and upset in the elderly which can become a downward spiral
Although there may be an expectation that the facility should be able to attend to MILs care that really isn't going to happen
I've seen many folks fall ill at mom's facility and it goes unnoticed until it's clear they need to be hospitalized
Is there a social worker at MILs facility that can help you map out some options for her care ?
Does the dr think she needs a different course of antibiotics ? Or does she need to be on an Iv if she's becoming dehydrated
Assisted living staff may not be able to handle her at this point if she needs help with bathing
Sorry all of this overwhelming and no one wants to see the situation end up deteriorating for your family including Mil
You can only take one step at a time but it helps to have some guidance from those who help lay out options so you can make a plan
She's going to need time, and maybe a stay in a psychiatric facility for medication adjustment to get acclimated. Once she is in a care facility, taking off from work should NOT be the norm.