I will try to keep this short.
We have been married for over 20 years with no kids both are parents are deceased mine left a lot of money hers left 10k and had no house.
When I sold my parents’ house I used some of the money to buy my wife a new car (60k to be exact) the remaining balance I put into investments and I am driving her older car.
Now we are in need of major house repairs about 40k. I will need to take money out of my inherited ira to help cover the cost or take out a loan or use my inherited investments.
Anytime I use my wife’s inherited money to help us out, she gets upset about it saying it is hers. There is none of it left to use, but when my wife gets a Christmas Bonus or any spare money, I always put it away to save for upcoming bills and she gets upset about it saying it is hers and that I took it. We share one bank account that are work checks go into and use it to pay bills etc.
I struggle with this because I am using so much of my deceased parents money to make are lives better and she does not see it that way. I don't understand why it is okay for me to use my inherited Money but not allowed to use any of hers.
I do manage all our finances and have an advisor. When I ask her what she wants to do she just says I don't know.
If your looking for an opinion, I feel strongly that this is BS.
My husbands first wife did this exact same thing. Her inheritance was her money. Husband even had to borrow some to get something for the house and she never let him forget it.
He worked, 50 hours a week, shift work and she was a stay at home mom .
So yeah this is just WRONG.
I will also say we are a caregiver forum for caregivers, not a relationship forum. Are you caring for someone?
Call me old fashioned I guess, but to me a couples money regardless of where it came from is for the use of both parties involved, and for the betterment of their lives.
To me your argument that it's your money because you inherited it, sounds petty to me. So if you don't want to spend "your" inherited money then just don't, and let things in your home fall down around you.
Trust me when I tell you that if for some reason one of you would file for divorce, both of your monies would be considered one and split equally.
To me this is NOT a hill to die on.
Please seek couples therapy if you want to protect the investment you have in your relationship. An object perspective from an outsider will help clarify things for the both of you.
Then, find a reputable estate or financial planner... sounds like you may be living beyond your means if you are dipping into your nest egg to maintain your home. Maybe not, but best to get a grip on it now since you don't say how old both of you are.
You would have had more money left towards home repairs . Homes are always a work in progress , the maintenance never ends . It’s not a surprise when a new roof or new furnace etc is needed .
My husband and I have inherited money . Mine only about 1/2 as much as his .
We pool everything . We have not changed our spending habits . Recently bought a used car after my husbands old car got totaled hitting a deer. We shared some with our children ( before we get very old ) to help buy homes . With the price of eldercare these days , my children are not counting on any inheritance .
Many younger people these days have separate accounts , and then a joint account for bills , household etc . I could still see some issues with this method though depending on the couple .
I really don’t have an answer . You want to pool money and she doesn’t .
If she doesn’t want to pool all money and she wants to keep her bonus money , and inheritance , then suggest you take the $60K car back that came from your inheritance and give her the old car back and her $10K and bonus money back .
This won’t help the relationship though .
Maybe go to couples counseling .
Maybe this home is too much to keep up . Consider downsizing to something more manageable that doesn’t need a lot of work . A financial adviser may be of help .
Drive the new car, you know you bought it for yourself anyway.
I would guess if the two of you still go out together, you drive the new car?
Not knowing your ages, but knowing from your post that your wife is employed, many women had to deal with the glass ceiling, and not be respected for their contributions to the company. Thus, some women will hang on tight to their money, especially if hubby had a well paying job where he made 2x or 3x the salary. I have run into that resentment myself.
When my parents passed and I inherited their estate, it was placed into my Trust. And since hubby was knowledgeable of stocks and other investments, I now feel since he was able to increase the value of those said investments, that I can use that extra money to make improvements to our house, and still keep the original investments. Just food for thought.
So now, given I accept the veracity of all you say, here's some OPTIONS:
1. If you wish to let the house fall down around your ears, do so.
2. It seems repairs have ALREADY been somewhat deferred. Perhaps defer them until one of you dies, and the other will then have a MELDED inheritance and can decide how to use it (that is leave the heap, sell it for land value, or move into IL.)
3. If you would like to invest some of your money in some repairs, do that. If your wife wishes to invest some of HER money in some repairs, she can at any time the leak over the bed is too much to bear.
4. If you feel in fairness that the repairs should be paid for in percentages, then do that. For instance your wife has thus and such percentage from inheritance and YOU have thus and such and that means SHE has X% of what you have so she pays X% of the repair costs and you the remainder. Does that appeal at all? It seems "fair" on the face of it.
Seems to me you have a plethora of options to choose from. Lay them out for the little lady and see how she feels about it. Or lay it out for that financial manager of yours, and see what he/she thinks. A Forum of strangers can't compare to a paid financial manager!
If I am being honest here--wanting to spend your WIFE's inheritance on the home, when she has so little and you have so much--makes me think you might be the slightest tad --what would be the word--"stingy"?
If I were your wife I think I might leave the house about to fall round my ears, take my 10K, put 4,000 on first and 4,000 on last rental on a nice little efficiency, and use the other 2,000 to a sweet little trip somewhere (or even an easy chair). Then I am selling my 60K car. I will hope to get 40K for it, even 30. You know how they depreciate! Then I will furnish my little pad. Probably get a few hobbies, clubs, etc. But that's me. I know you didn't write to hear about ME.
This is a tough decision you have here.
I am not certain I am the right one to advise you really.
I am relieved you have that financial manager, and I hope with all my heart that you will update us. We seldom get questions this interesting.
I wish you and (especially) your wife the very best ongoing.
As a nasty woman, my mother would tell dad that was HER MONEY, over and over and over again, through the years. Since HE was the bum who'd "forced" her to invest a few bucks a week in the first place. He, by the way, worked his butt off at 16 hr a day jobs for 40 years to pay the bills.
When my parents had to go into Assisted Living, moms stock had to be sold to finance it. To the tune of nearly $400k. Dad died 10 months later. So moms money WAS hers after all, and used to finance her care in AL and then Memory Care Assisted Living until she died at 95. There was nothing left over.
Moral of the story? Greed oftentimes brings about ugly consequences. I'm sure my mother had no intention of using HER MONEY for dementia care.
You have a right to put your inheritance in a separate acct and so does she. Its not a marital asset. Why she thinks the way she does? You need to ask her. A lot of married couples, especially when both work, keep their finances separate.
It sounds as if at this point that there's no caretaking involved and both of you are able to work. Great,
Community property laws are different in every state, so you can use this to your advantage, if you choose to. Not saying that you should, but at some point in the future, IF your wife becomes disabled and needs to be hospitalized for the long term, you may consider legally dividing the assets-- NOW, don't wait- to protect your inheritance from being eaten up by medical expenses during the paydown process for her to qualify for Medicaid. If you get a revocable trust you can still use your inheritance at your discretion, but it will be protected for your own old age in the event that she becomes disabled or very ill.
If you want to explore this option see an Elder Law Attorney ASAP, the revocable trust needs to be legally set up before your wife has a long term medical emergency.
Regardless, whether you set up the revocable trust, the "right thing" to do would be to contribute whatever reasonable funds are needed to keep your home in good repair.
AND get marriage counselling.
I am also the lucky beneficiary of my parents, my hubs did not inherit anywhere close. I pay most of the bills, and I try not to be snarky about it.. it is what it is and we live together, and love each other. Do I think we need some of the things he wants,,nope,, but he worked hard all his life too. we try to work it out. Not control each other
You have lots of great advice here?
Have you and your wife looked at it?
Have you come to any new conclusions as to how you each might want to proceed with Home Repair?