2 years ago I had to put her in a nursing home since she has Alzheimer's. I have moved her 4 times and now have her back in her home town. The cost is $5,500 per month which she can pay with her income. She also has a $200,000 investment. 2 of my sibs make my life hell. I have a long story but no need to go into. I live 5 hours from mom but visit twice a month and have an apartment there. Several weeks ago I had a mental crisis and was in the hospital 2 days. My psychiatrist told me to move to the town my mother is in and save myself. I would like to start taking compensation, which my POA document says I can. My attorney says I should tell my sibs I am doing. I don’t agree and am seeing another attorney next week. The POA says “reasonable” amount. Any advice? I have been doing it for free for 5 years and my mother will NEVER run out of money. Please help me!
Sounds like your Mom is living in Assisted Living/Memory Care due to the monthly rent. My Mom was in a nursing home and it was costing her $12k per month. She needed more care than what an assisted living/memory card could provide.
As for getting paid through a Power of Attorney, I believe any payment would be related to the care of your Mom now, not what you did in the past. Since Mom is already housed in a continuing care facility your siblings may bulk at you taking any money from Mom's investments, as the nurses and Aides are now doing the heavy lifting of caregiving.
If you see an Attorney, make sure it is an Elder Law Attorney.
What would you be charging your mom for? Putting up with your sibs? Perhaps moving closer will give you a chance to work things out with them. Good luck on finding some peace in your life.
Why does the poster need to explain herself to her siblings when they are not their mother's POA?
If your mom has dementia and has had to be moved 5 times, it seems like you're not taking care of a sweet little old lady who is agreeable and flexible. Better your mother should be moved closer to where you live so you can continue to work.
And my dear, if your mom has dementia, she will need care that costs more than 10k per month soon. I wouldn't count on her 200k lasting very long at all.
I have not worked for 5 years and have been with my mother all that time. I moved her 4 times to get the best care.
Not much support except from Cmagnun.
Too many judgmental replies.
Unless someone has read extensively, it's not that easy to recognize the ordeals and traumas some of them have experienced. So they're not being judgmental, but offering advice from their own experience.
Sometimes people post here with the intent of getting answers that support what they already want to do. Sometimes responders' experience mirrors the posters; sometimes not, but they do take the time to offer advice.
You might want to consider the responses you got on this thread before judging and concluding that they're not what you want.
Frankly, I think you received a good assortment of opinions and advice, even though they may not be what you wanted.
You stated that you live 5 hours a way and visit twice a month. Now you are saying you live in a studio apartment nearby and visit your poor demented mother nearly everyday. Twice a month vs every day is kind of a big difference. But even living far away you probably had financial things to take care for you mother. The POA says you can take compensation, do it! I don't know if you have to charge separately for the work you do as a POA (financial stuff) and the work you do as a caregiver, or if it is OK to lump everything into the POA payment. Your lawyer can advise you on that. If you need a separate payment for caregiving, have your lawyer draw up an agreement, if your mother is still competent to understand what it means and sign it.
So, take payment. How much? Maybe the ALF could help you with that. Some people who have medical POA hire someone to be with their loved one at an ALF or NH. One of my friends hired a companion to be with her father 8 hours a day in an ALF. I don't know what this cost. (He had insurance that covered it.) Find out what the going rate for a companion is in your area, and prorate it based on how long you spend with her. Pay yourself that. OR if it psychologically better for you to detach a bit, hire someone who does this for a living. Some people with dementia do a lot better with one-on-one companionship and supervision. Are you your mom's healthcare proxy (medical POA)? If so, you can decide that she needs this. As POA you can authorize payment for it, whether that payment is to you or someone else.
Should you tell your siblings? That is maybe a better question for your therapist than for your lawyer. If you don't tell them soon after the payment arrangements are made, they are going to scream about doing things behind their backs, etc. Maybe you could tell them by email that there have been some changes in Mom's care situation and that they would soon be getting a letter from your lawyer spelling out the details. Don't do this very far ahead of the expected arrival of the letter!
Brinaz, while none of us have walked precisely in your path, many of us have coped with nonsupport from siblings, putting in lots of time with no compensation, figuring out how to care long-distance, etc. This forum can be a great exchange of information.
Hang in there! Let us know how you proceed and how it works out. We really do care ... especially those of us who care for loved ones who have dementia.
“I do not like some of the answers given”? Seriously?
As for walking in your shoes - you have no idea how foolish that statement is. Browse around the threads a bit. There are folks here with way bigger problems that trying to figure out how much to pay themselves from their loved ones endless supply of money.
Companions are not medically certified. They don't get the same pay as an LPN, for example, but they should get more than a kid flipping burgers!
Would Mother's insurance cover a companion? Could she afford it out of her income?
I think I got off on the wrong foot with lots of folks. I am just so used to being mistreated by my sibs that I am over sensitive to criticism. I appreciate all the answers and will try and not be so “thin skinned”
The small town my aunts lived in had a Care Center that covered a large range of needs. One of my aunts there would probably have qualified for memory care, but there isn't MC anywhere close to the town where her friends can visit her. My other aunt would have been fine on Assisted Living, at least at first, but she too wanted to be where the entire community knew her. I don't know whether the center charged different rates for different levels of care, but it was evident they provided several different levels of care. So I guess we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the rate a facility charges.
But also consider that most people on this forum are actively doing caregiving, sometimes 24/7 in their homes. They are under a lot of pressure and tension, and sometimes can get a little snarky in their responses.
Let's all just cut each other some slack. OK?
I was 24/7 caregiver for my mom with Alzheimer's for four years. Twisted sister 2 was POA. In the beginning of the care I was told by ts2 that she wanted to pay me and I agreed I would wait a few months to see what happened with mom. Well, a year later ts2 finally decided to consult mom's attorney on drafting a care agreement. She did not like what mom's attorney told her as far as what reasonable cost would be and what mom would want. She fired that attorney and found one that told her what she wanted to hear. That led to nearly three years of legal wrangling and an award from the court that I be paid for two years of the care I had already provided and going forward. The amount of money that ts2 spent of mom's to fight paying me was absurd, especially considering that she did this to protect her inheritance.
After four years I decided I had enough harassment by twisted sisters and they placed mom in memory care. Much of that time mom also needed 24 hour supervision because of her behaviors. That monthly bill was about $12,000.00, including the 6K that was paid to the facility.
If the POA states you can be paid. Do it with a care agreement. But, you cannot negotiate with yourself. You will need to get a geriatric care manager to assess mom's needs and how much time that will require from you. Then have attorney draw up the agreement reflecting exactly what your duties are and how much you will be paid.
Now mom is 82 - according to the edited profile. Previously mom was 68.
When asked about 68 and the money lasting we were told a few posts back that the OP was 68 and mom 86.
Mom being 86 was better. Cause if mom is now 82 then she was a mother at age 14. Which is certainly possible- but gets less plausible with the three stated ages.
OP lives five hours away. OP has not worked in five years and “been with mom the whole time” for the past five years. OP
visits twice a month. OP just moved two weeks ago.
OP asked the same question about a week ago - got three replies but never posted again until this one.
I really am sorry if I’m wrong here - but way too many inconsistencies in this all.
What’s up, Brinaz? And please don’t do the “you’re being mean, hateful and not supportive - I thought I would get support but...” thing as that’s a red flag to a bogus post. Tell us the truth if you really do have a situation needing help.
And I still say that visiting twice a day is not something that you get paid for, strangers might get paid to do it as a job but family does it because they are family. My life would be a lot easier if I allowed myself a salary for being a loving daughter. If your siblings - no matter how deadbeat - want to kick up a fuss about it then they probably have legal grounds to do so.