I came up to stay in his house and try to assist him. It's been challenging to say the least.
When I am preparing his meals and feeding him, making coffee, taking care of the house, etc, he is pleasant.
The minute I try to correct his behavior, or refuse to give him something he wants, he gets nasty, raises his voice and curses me.
He refuses to change his clothes, he wears diapers for incontinence (should be changed out at least once or twice a day), will not take a shower.
Eats impulsively, to include raiding the kitchen at all hours of the night, makes a lot of noise while doing it, and wakes me up, which is not easy especially after taking care of him all day.
He is functionally incapable of managing his finances, to include unpaid bills; cannot go to the bank, supermarket, etc. Has no telephone in the house.
Place was filthy, heavy dust, cobwebs, tripping hazards, house has not been maintained for several years.
Ok, I have been addressing these issues little by little, but when I tell him "no more food", or "let's please change your clothes", or "how about we try to use the shower", that's when he spits venom at me.
Very hard to take.
I could walk away, and likely he would just die here alone. We can't afford Assisted Living. Not sure what his Medicaid would cover.
No one to help me with this, sad but true, but no one else cares, I'm no professional nor a gerontologist, and I am about ready to give up.
How have you guys survived situations like this? What was the solution?
Made him coffee and a piece of cake. I put as much love into this as I could. He has always been a selfish man; wants a full-time servant. For many years, that was my mother and she's gone 10 years already.
His unreasonable attitude and very bad temper, simply because I eventually tell him "enough"; that just brings me down and I want to give up. Managed all his medications too.
Who gives care to the caregiver? I have no one.
No, you are both right, I cannot manage this and keep my sanity. Will look into the difference between Medicaid and Medicare, I was not aware of "Memory Care". Will speak to the social worker in depth. If he needs to go somewhere, and it looks like he does, so be it.
Not sure what would happen with his house, if they seize it for payment or put a lien on it. I do have POA but not to sell his property.
Your father should be in either a memory care facility or nursing home, both of which are covered by Medicaid. He's beyond Assisted Living at this point. So your next step should be to apply for Medicaid for him. And then start looking in your area for Medicaid funded memory cares and nursing facilities. Someone at you local Area of Aging should have someone on hand to help you with that, and all nursing/memory facilities have social workers on hand to assist you as well.
Once placed they will make sure that he gets showered regularly, eat at regular intervals, and get his diaper changed every 2-3 hours, instead of once or twice a day, as that is an infection or worse waiting to happen.
You've given it your best shot and have done the very best you can, so now it's time to do not only what is best for your father, but also what is best for you.
I'm hoping you are your fathers POA, both durable and medical as that will make this process so much easier. And if you're not, well it's too late now to get them because of his dementia, but you can still apply for guardianship so you have a say in what happens to him.
And worse case scenario, the next time your father has to go to ER for any reason, you tell the social worker there, that he is an unsafe discharge and that there is no one at home to look after him. They will then at that time have no choice but to have him placed in the appropriate facility.
I wish you both the very best.
I couldn't do it, I will freely admit, and had my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living for nearly 3 years. She was private paying but her money was just about to run out and I had the Medicaid app all ready to go for Skilled Nursing when she passed away unexpectedly. I had gotten all the info from an Elder Care attorney years earlier when my folks moved near to me in 2011.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.