At my wits end with my mother’s misguided loyalty. Is it time to have a meeting with the trustee to go over her mental capacity?
81 -yr-old mother with sudden decline after untreated high blood pressure. She NEVER went to a Dr. She started falling so I dragged her to the hospital where she received every test under the sun, found a beautiful AL for her, decorated her room fit for a princess, got her on all the appropriate meds. She quickly made many friends and loved playing bingo, cards etc. She immediately appointed me POA after she saw the horrid (cheap) nursing home my brothers wanted to put her in. She has plenty of money, a steady income from rental properties. I’ve worked extremely hard as her POA. I set up 5% CDs with most of her money just sitting in her checking acct. I got my dad’s funeral expenses (6k) reimbursed thru Fema once I found out Covid related deaths were covered.
The issue is with just 1 brother (now estranged from) who is her rental property mgr. He gets 10%, and most of the rent in cash. I don’t see a penny of it. I took over her 2 bank accts totaling 500k. Immediately sold her vehicle for 40k because she wanted to just “give” it to this brother. She sold her mother’s home for 450k and I had to intercept that check once I found out my brother had plans to purchase a home adjacent to his. I found out my mom had been paying the taxes for this lady with the agreement she would sell her this dilapidated house one day. My brother had plans to demolish the house and add the acre of land to his. His home and the land next to it were GIVEN to him by my parents. These properties generate bout of 50k annually because it’s located a few blocks from local sports/event stadium. Adding extra land would’ve added even more income for him. Everything is solely in his name btw. After I nixed his plans, once the lady sold her home she had to pay back the taxes (22k) my mom had paid for her thru the yrs. That check went to my brother and again I never saw a penny of it.
Fast forward a yr. My brother finally talked her into moving back home where he now stays every night. I got her private caregivers from 8 to 5. I pay them $5800 a month out of her checking acct. I’ve asked my brother to deposit her rental income into her acct but he doesn’t. Since she’s been back home I see her being brainwashed more and more. He’s there every night manipulating her. She believes everything he tells her. He has even started renting out space in the family buss warehouse to these shady individuals and of course keeps that cash. I know 100% the activity these people are doing is illegal. (Large pop up tent). My mom denies he is doing this but my other brother sent me a video of the setup of these tenants. If I show her the video she will only get angry with me. She now calls me a trouble maker and our once extremely close relationship is getting very strained. The last straw was last night. My brother is out of town and a tenant of 1 of her rental property’s came by with an envelope of cash that normally is given to my brother. I took it and told my mom I wild deposit it into her checking acct. My mom went bat**** crazy, grabbed it from me, told me she needs it, scurried off to hide it, almost fell in the process, of course only to give it to my brother when he gets back. I was in complete shock.
She has always said the 3 of us would get equal shares in inheritance. I keep telling her that won’t happen with this brother stockpiling cash. She says I’m cynical.
I hired an elder attorney who set up all her assets/rental properties into a trust. The trust has a clause which states if she becomes mentally incapacitated the trustee (a trust mgmt. company) would take control.
Is it time to have a meeting with the trustee to go over her mental capacity? I know she will fight tooth and nail to keep my brother in charge of her rental properties. She’s overall lucid. What are the chances when the professionals see this scenario they will declare her incompetent?
FYI I’m married, 1 son, live hr. away, visit 2 days a week. Brothers never married, no kids.
Does she have to have a Doctor confirm that she is at the point that she no longer has mental capacity?
Or has that already been done and you just need to enforce the clause that states that the management company assumes responsibility?
If she does not have it written that she is unable to safely manage her affairs then I would think that you need to take another trip to the doctor with her.
Your observation that “She’s overall lucid” may or may not be accurate, but you will NOT KNOW without a professionally administered exam.
Using my LO’S Assisted Living recommendation, I lucked into a geriatric psychiatric behavioral practice, and LO was assessed by a quiet, gentle woman who conferred regularly with me.
I received a brief statement from this agency that affirmed LO’s need for help in the financial and medical aspects of her life, and visited on a regular basis until her first COVID infection.
Don’t fiddle around about “should we or shouldn’t we?”
DO THIS, then move forward on behalf of getting her SAFE care.
You are POA. I see no reason why you cannot contact all the tenants and request that they direct deposit their rent into an acct set up for that purpose. I also would think as POA you can ask for financial records of money collected and where he has put it. I also think as POA you have a right to hire a manager for Moms rentals and evict those renters who seem suspicious. Ask a lawyer.
You should make a strong (and scary) case as to why she should transition all payments to non-cash/non-checks. Everyone is used to paying with BillPay, Zelle, PayPal, Venmo, or DD, etc.
You write below that a doctor's assessment is required for PoA to become active. Maybe use a reverse argument with her to get this done: the test is not to prove she is compromised, but to show that she isn't. Has she ever had a "baseline" measurement of her cognitive abilities? I was able to get my Mom to agree to this test based on this reasoning.
Is she on any other medications that may impact her cognitive state if she doesn't stick with the proper dosage? Or a medical condition, like a UTI?
If your brother is living on a cash basis, then he isn't paying into SS either. Lord help him if he ever needs this money to live on. In most states Medicaid only pays for LTC, not AL or MC, and requires a medical need for this level of care. There are many good arguements to make to the both of them, but not sure they are logical or reasonable people. Wishing you wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you work out your PoA responsibilities.
You could call the IRS and tell them the property manager is pocketing the cash payments and you are the POA and you don't know what to do because your mom defends his actions and you know both of them are hiding this income as witnessed when mom hid the cash payment,.
You could let your inheritance go and go live your life and leave them to their fraud and tax evasion.
Sorry, anybody that is more worried about their inheritance then their parents well-being deserves exactly nothing in my book.
Of course nothing will probably come of these 2 things other than mom not speaking to you and being further under brothers control.
Sorry your mom is putting her financial security in jeapordy for brother.
If you are POA for Financial matters the fact that tenants are paying cash and there is no real legal paper trail on the income you might be help responsible if anything happens.
I would check this with an attorney and make sure legally you are not held responsible if things continue the way they are OR you make changes ASAP to make sure that the "property manager" is following proper protocol.
If this might come back and bite you it might be wise to CYA. (cover your a$$)
POA doesn't make you legally responsible for another person. It gives you the chance to act, but it doesn't oblige you to act.
Let's take the issue of abandoning an elder, or neglect: in some circumstances one can be held liable, but that's irrespective of whether one has POA or not.
Have you explored legal advice? For Guardianship? Also financial abuse? Are there laws to cover 'coersion' where you live?
I am NO expert but Mother has rights.. there would need to be strong suspicions she has impaired thinking, a court order for a full neuro-psych exam, then, if dx as unable to make financial decisions your Brother gets sued & charged & hopefully gets his butt kicked inside out & far far away.
BTW Vascular Dementia symptoms seems a VERY good fit. They are caused by vasular issues as you described (very high blood pressure). Memory can be left quite intact in early stage, but *judement & planning* can become poor.
I have met people with Vas Dem who's Doctors had noted 'query mild cognitive issues'. These folk could all hold a reasonable conversation, polite etc but were making BAD judgements. This was reported as being a definite CHANGE for them. ie they were not always bad drivers or bad with money.
Eg 1. Multiple bingles in car over 24 months then crashed head on into garage door (broke neck). (Loss of spacial skills)
Eg 2. Unable to plan to cook/reheat, then unable to buy food. Cupboards empty. (Loss of planning skills)
Eg 3. Leaving spouse fallen on floor (lack planning planning skills to call EMS)
Eg 4. Removing Son as POA in favour of a hardly met Nephew because Son wouldn't let him invest his money in a known scam.
I could go on & on..
I really hope some good legal advice can help you to help your Mom.