I feel like we're perhaps at the "in-between" stage. Obviously there are clear cut things like wandering, stove safety etc. which would prevent a dementia patient from being safely left alone. We are not really there yet. Can anyone share their experiences with when they knew they could no longer leave someone unattended. Or if you thought you could but learned you couldn't. I have concerns at this point but maybe those are worst-case scenarios & unlikely. I'm having a hard time because there are a lot of factors. The individual refuses every single "normal" thing, such as a fall detection device, extra phones, respite provider, or any change or accommodation at all. I'm looking for others' experiences to help me know when my LO should not be left alone. Thank you!
Knowing her as we did, we realized that she would never be safe in the home where she’d been born because of the idiosyncrasies of the house itself.
We offered her the option of having a rest room added to “her home”, and she categorically refused.
A very few weeks prior to these discussions, she’d been driving herself to the local supermarket, getting her hair and nails done, and paying her own bills.
We knew as the withdrawal, insecurity, and exponentially increasing anxiety progressed that, as GREAT as she looked and “performed”, we were headed for the collapse, and it came.
When we “tried” a baby monitor in her room, she placed her underpants over it, so that the interim aide we installed couldn’t see her.
I’ve walked in your steps. There is no smooth, predictable transition to support for people like your mom, or my LO. Trust that your watchfulness will NOT make anything better, OR WORSE.
The burden of responsibility for this decision is overwhelming, and it’s more so because YOU know the potential consequences, and she’s in the process of losing her ability to understand and plan for them.
Take good care of yourself.
One characteristic of dementia can be unreasonable stubbornness and resistance to change (since they have a much harder time cognitively adjusting to new things).
When my MIL was in her early 80s and living with her husband in their quad home, his Parkinsons and Lewy Body hallucinations got bad, falling several times a week, then he became a ward of the county and removed from their home. Once he was gone we realized how bad my MIL's memory was: she no longer remembered how to use the oven, microwave, washing machine. Eventually she didn't remember if she had eaten and because she wasn't eating (no matter what solution we provided) we decided she had to go into AL.
My own mother is 92 and lives next door to me. This summer she fell and broke her wrist. This past Friday morning she fell again, backwards against her bedroom dresser and split open the back of her head. No other head injury. Then the following Sunday she was having trouble taking breath and having pain in her side. She had also broken several ribs. The "contract" we have together is that she can stay in her home as long as she can be kept safe and it her care is not overwhelming to me. So far, it isn't there yet, but with this new injury she stopped driving, shopping, doing any complicated cooking, going down her stairs, walking her dog (we live in MN so it's still winter here with cold, snow, ice). Things are changing for her rapidly. She is more easily confused about taking her pain meds for her ribs -- something that is new since she was an RN her whole life and has been so sharp up until recently. In the ER I did request a urine test to discount a UTI (no infection). So, things are rapidly changing in my mom's world and I'm just taking it one week at a time. If she has another fall...I'll see what she's willing to allow.
Good luck with your LO -- you may need to employ "therapeutic fibs" to get them to accept certain solutions. Many people tell their LO that they have to temporarily stay in a "hotel" or apartment because their home has an infestation. Then they are moved into AL or MC. Caregivers who are PoAs are making decisions in that person's best interests and not waiting for agreement or acceptance, but rather safety, protection and quality of life.
Have you looked into Adult Day Care or a Senior Center where they could be left for a few hours if they are occupied with activities. (A Senior Center is not intended to be used as a Caregiver Service but if this person likes BINGO and every Wednesday they play for 2 hours that would give you 2 hours to do some errands)
The individual that "refuses" a caregiver, or other ways to keep them safe has lost the ability to have a say in their care when it comes to a safety matter. If a child does not want the babysitter to stay with them when mom and dad go out do you let the child stay home?
You need to bring in help and if possible do so in a way that the person will accept it, or you have to begin to look at Memory Care in order to keep this person safe.