I'm 27, an only child, and my mom is 64. She beat Colon cancer last year, but as her caregiver, I developed anxiety and depression. I've realized now that she assumes the worst, which now triggers my anxiety through the roof and thinks a little bit irrationally with any symptom she has, which is understandable for what she went though, but I don't know how to deal. For example, she has a swollen hand which could be arthritis or rheumatoid arthritis, and she said she feels fatigued like she did when she had cancer. This sent me into PANIC mode. I had to remind her that we just went to the oncologist last Monday for her check up and she's fine, and that she had felt Like she was getting sick last weekend, maybe she's still fighting that off? It's too much for me to be triggered and have to remind her of these things because I can't handle it this much due to my anxiety, BUT at the same time, I'm worried she's right, that something serious is happening again. Does anyone else have to think clearly for their parents and not take what they say so serious? I guess I'm used to mom always being right :(
It sounds as though YOUR MOM has significant anxiety and possibly depression. Have these been evaluated and are they being Treated?
You acknowledge the fact that you have difficulty with anxiety and depression as well; are you getting adequate treatment yourself? What career are you pursuing? Are you getting out with friends, dating, furthering your education and career skills?
Usually the treatment combines both drug and talk therapy. If you mother resists talk therapy she could still benefit a lot from appropriate drugs. Would she consider that approach?
If you both get your anxiety and depression under control, I'll bet you will get along much better!
I have the same question that Barb has. The cancer is in her past. She is able to work full time. Why do you consider yourself a caregiver? You are living in the same house, right? Can't you just be housemates? Maybe take turns making dinner, divide up the housecleaning, do some things (but not every thing!) together, and enjoy each other's company? While she was having cancer treatments, yes, you probably were.
Isn't it time to accept that your mother is fine?
If my husband sat around in his underwear, I asked him to please put a shirt on. He wasn't an invalid and I didn't want him to look like one. He had dementia but it helped us both to think of him as otherwise healthy.
Don't treat your mom as someone needing a caregiver! It will make her recovery more real to you when your relabel your relationship!
My mom had breast cancer at 65. She was in complete and utter denial about dealing with the psychological aspects. She started out by making some really stupid choices about how to proceed. (I don't mean I thought they were stupid. Her doctors told her that she was trying to follow the treatment protocol from the 1940s, when she worked as a medical secretary for an oncologist. And that her "choices" were no longer on offer). She was coming at dealing with cancer from a place of anxiety and terror with no room for facts or rationality. It's not a good way to make life changing decisions.
As a family, we were able to convince her to go, not to the local hospital where they were offering a radical mastectomy with a one or two day stay. We were able to get her to go to Sloan Kettering. They kept her for two weeks! And they made it clear that going to the therapy groups was expected, not optional, because your mind and your body are very much part of the same healing process.
Getting your mom to accept medical treatment for her anxiety and depression is a goal worth pursuing. I would talk to your therapist about it. You might start by telling mom about how her anxieties are affecting you. Perhaps if she sees this as helping you, she will be willing to accept some meds.
Stop imagining every pain she has is a relapse into cancer - you get pains as you get older [I'm a few years older than your mom & dealing with parents 91 & 94] so I know about pains -
It would seem you inherited your mom's mental health issues but you are smarter in that you are getting help - cut some apron strings & tell her that she goes for help or you'll sometimes have to keep a distance for your sake - tell you don't want to loose the closeness you have but that she is endangering YOUR HEALTH by not going for her assistance -
Take her to the first few sessions & sit in waiting room reading a book then go for a coffee/wine on way home - tell her that you won't talk about session until next day so she can assimulate it all on her own - don't take her to your therapist unless she asks for them so you each will have your own go to guy
GOOD LUCK -
I found that I, too, was leaning too heavily on one of my daughters and she was smart enough to lovingly tell me "Mom, you should not be talking to ME about this". AT first, it felt like a slap in the face (a gentle one)..but she was right. I needed an outside source to talk to.
Burdening your children with your problems is not helpful. To them or you. It has been a hard habit to break, but I am doing it.
As far as my mother, well, I am used to her complaining about this and that..and I have learned to let 99% of it roll off my back. Now that she is experiencing more dementia, it's easier. She's not so "mean" and I am not upset or frantic when she tells me about some new ailment. She's 87. She's not going to live forever. That's OK.
Your mom is still working FT, so that says a LOT. I'm glad you're getting help and I hope your mom will also go. HOWEVER...if she is going to please you, don't expect much. The patient has to WANT to get better, or it's just a 50 minute chat fest.
Can you lovingly tell mom that when she talks about her ailments, it stresses you out? Ask her to please respect boundaries of what you can/cannot handle talking about? My daughter did this with me and she was so sweet--prefacing everything with a "Mom, I love you so much and you are so amazing...but.." so I did not feel attacked.
You are still so young-and so is your mom. I hope you can find your way to healthy place.
Sorry to hear what you are going through. Its not easy being an only child. There is so much on your shoulders. Glad you are talking to psychologist now. Its a good first step.
Sometimes I don't think our parents realize how much they put on us. I too had to take on a caregiving role from a young age. It was hard. And I did not find the right balance leading to a lot of anger and resentment.
I hope your mom will also consider therapy or a support group. She has also been through a lot too. Its a tough road.
Thinking of you.