My dad is in between SNF and ALF. he's mostly been on a downer because of how bad he feels, but has been increasing improving --- and mentally as well. all except at about 4pm. that's when "the glass is EMPTY" and "I cant stand it" and "we have to get me OUT OF HERE".
My natural inclination is to force him back into sanity, but guess what, ...it doesn't work. only drugs help and they don't want to give him anything except after meals. so he gets an ativan after dinner but if I am not there I get a series of calls and if I don't answer, the messages are not nice. If I am there, I the best I can do is try to change the subject, which only serves to piss him off. Any suggestions? I am tired of being drained and I know even if I cant change him I can change me. what do I do to keep my own peace of mind?
How often during the day do you talk to your dad? Once should be enough. If he calls you and leaves nasty messages don't call him back. You will have already spoken to him that day, there's no reason to talk to him again if he's that unpleasant. What would it accomplish? You'd just be his whipping post and you don't need to put up with that.
And you're so right. You can't change his behavior but you can change yours. I have an aunt who is 91 and very unpleasant to talk to. She lives in a retirement home. I know that on Tuesdays she goes to happy hour at 4pm so I time my calls accordingly and call her about 3:30. This way I've done my duty and I have a built-in out.
Try talking to your dad at a different time before the grim's get to him.
Talk to doctors and try all other meds until you find what works best.
Try to use herbal teas and organic essential oils couple hours BEFORE anxiety takes over and see if it makes difference.
Also, as you've observed, trying to re-orient an ALZ patient to reality (sanity) is a pointless exercise. I know it's tempting. What's been proven to be most effective is entering their reality. That's easier said than done. I have to bite my tongue when my dad paints a different reality of our family history, but the one thing that's more frustrating than that is trying to get him to believe the actual facts.