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My mom, mild dementia, just lost my dad 5 days ago, she is naturally in shock, as we all are. They were married 63 years. She understands what happened to him,
Just be there for your mom, hold her hand, talk to her, stay with her for awhile. Let her knw she can depend on you. Do not push her to go to lunch with friends, attend grief support, or anything she does not want to do now. Grief takes its own time and people process it in different ways.
Zanners I am sorry for your loss. Take care of your mom for awhile now.
Depending upon the clarity of any long-term memory she may have, it might be helpful to talk about old times, as for example, that favorite vacation the family enjoyed in 1962, that sort of thing.. Also you might tell about some of the favorite things dad you to say or do. One thing that I believe is not helpful is to talk about how he may be better off seeing as how sick he was (if that was the case.) That subject is best left to the bereaved closest to the deceased love one.
Just pray with her and talk about her times with your dad, My mom also had dementia ,I'd sit and listen to all the times of her and my father times of how , when they met. It was truly a blessing on how those memories stayed in her mind and how I would see her light up and know she had someone up in heaven who was waiting for her. They're together now for 9 months, I know they're both happy. Yes missing them, and hearing and talking about my father with her not only helped her but also helped me after the lose of losing her. stay strong, God bless your mom, and you also.
Try and behave normally around her but don't let her sink into a grief inertia, She still needs to eat sleep, bath and change clothes. Don't make her do things she does not want to do. You may think it will take her mind off things for her to get out and go to her usual gatherings. It won't. visitors are fine but dicourage long stays. If she does not want to see them just say no. Think of grief like any other condition of great change it takes a long time to work through all the stages. Tr not to make any big changes in her life for at least a year. Just be there for and cry on each other's shoulders you too have some grieving to do.
I am sorry for the loss of your dad, and think that you are a wonderful daughter, for being concerned on how to help your mom..... let her cry, let her talk, let her stare into space..... let her know you are there for her..... that is a long time to be married..... she has a lot to think about and remember, encourge her to talk about those things, if she wants to.... my heart hurts for both of you..... thinking of you today and sending prayers for strength..... we are here for you....
So sorry for your loss. I am faced with the same situation; my dad passed away 18 months ago and my mom is still missing him terribly. I believe that you've found your answer in the first 5 responses. (me too!) All the above contributors did an excellent job with their responses. Time heals...love, good listening, and sweet memories also help ease the pain of losing someone so special. God bless you for spending valuable time with her now. Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix.
Hugs. From as many friends and family as possible. And don't remind her. If she asks where he is, say at work, the store, bowling or whatever was normal, and distract her.
I am so sorry for your loss. I quite agree with the many suggestions already offered. I would add that tending to your grief is very important since your mom will absorb your feelings despite what you verbally say to attempt to reassure her . Hospice has grief support groups where you may pick up some skills in managing your grief and have the support from others. It may make it easier to allow your mom to grieve in her own way. When I/we are stressed its easy to misinterpret non verbal cues. As you honor your loss you will be honoring hers. Peace be with you.
Your presence, your touch, your understanding and love are all that you can provide. If she wants to talk, share stories about happy memories.
This is a terrible blow to your mother.The early stages of dementia may make it even worse as she may forget he's gone and she's most likely too aware at this stage for you to redirect.
My mother went through this and it was heartbreaking for us all. It took a long time for her to finally absorb that Dad had died. My heart goes out to you as well as your mom because you are grieving your dad's death and your mom's pain.
Please keep in touch so that we can offer what support we can. Carol
Be there and listen without making judgments. There is no "BEST" way to grieve. Each of us grieves in their own way. Allow it, as it is a process that takes as much time as the person needs.
Find a GriefShare group in your area. It's a great 13 week grief program with a video each week on some aspect of grief, a time for discussion and a book of encouragement for during the week. I have been a facilitator for 8 years and I have seen healing from grief start to happen. Go to griefshare website.
Very sorry to hear, having one parent is harder than two sometimes. You have just got your new job handed to you. When we lost my dad I basically had to take over his place, yet I have a family. I went over every weekend and wednesdays after work, called all the time, and was there for her. Sometimes when I got weak and burst into tears, she got stronger and consoled me. They were two peas in a pod and she never got over it. Its been 15 years and her dementia is so bad she doesnt remember him anymore. The strangest thing is, on their anniversary, and he was gone over 10 years, she woke up yelling his name. She barely spoke at the time, but it spooked me with a smile. I went from being there for her, to caring for her , to moving her in with me. Its been a total journey now of over 20 years of and she is still living. I feel like I lost out on a lot in my 40's and 50"s, now heading into my 60's. I love her forever, but there is so much responsibility its getting to me. I never knew getting older meant life got harder and harder and that some people (siblings) could go on and live their lives care free with visits only. My heart is so big I try and fit everyone into it , cant help it, be there for everyone is my motto. Good luck on your journey, its a long hard but rewarding road.
So sorry for your loss. My Pop died in February after 71 years married to mom. It's been hard also. I found a lot of support through grief counsoling at Hospice of the Comforter. Their services are free and will do individual grief counseling...I went with mom for the first four visits and it really seemed to help. I have not left her alone, and having companionship during this time has really seemed to help. It's been almost six months and she is just starting to get much better. I reassured Mom everyday, that I needed her and that we would get through this difficult time together (she just wanted to give up). Time is the only thing. Love to you for looking after Mom, and don't forget to take time for you own grief.
I love the answers you have received, but eventually Mom will forget Dad has died. If Mom begins to repeat the question over and over again, it might be more comfortable to say Dad is home,Dad's gone home. At that point explaining anything to her will be hurtful, no longer helpful.
There is nothing I can do to bring my sweetheart back. Nothing. I live with the memories that we created together. Some very precious. I will mourn as long as I want to. If anyone says to me one more time, well there are in a better place right now, I think I will just turn around and walk away. I know he is in Heaven, but I want him here. In the end, I was so selfish and would not let him go. When I was ready, I let go and the end came. I wish you well with your grieving and just do it in your own time and in your own way. We must also be careful not to do anything that will harm our health or self while we are mourning. I don't like people around me. You may like to have people around you. At this point this site is my friend and is all I need. I did go to church yesterday but my heart was not in it. God knows this. Part of me will mourn until I die. Thats ok. Because it may sound silly or bad, but the mourning of my loved one is my way of loving him and keeping him alive inside of me. The way your mom mourns may be totally different from the way you are mourning. Its Ok. My prayers are with you and all of you on here who are mourning or going to be mourning soon.
Zanners: There is no time limit on grief. She needs to take as long as she needs. Since she's up in age, she, quite likely, is going to be even MORE emotional than the rest of the family. Sorry for your loss. I've just had a few myself.
just be there for her darling, I lost my mom 6 years ago and I still deal with grieving. it takes time some may be short periods for some while it can linger for years.
Zanners, so sorry for your loss. My folks have been together for 66 years and they are both in fairly good physical health. I appreciate all the advice and tips you have been given, as I know that someday I will need the same support. So I guess I am thanking you for asking this question!! God Bless You and Your Mom!
The most helpful book beside the Bible is: "From My Grieving Heart to Yours" by Charles Shepson. I am in the process of losing my wife to vascular dementia and along with that slippery slope she is not physically healthy. Creating Moments of Joy while you can will always be a reminder of those times when that person was that great father, great mother, sister, brother, friend or whoever. Charles Shepson is a great author since he has filled similar shoes.
My experience is a bit different from most of the above comments. Two months ago my wife of 65 years died after a dozen years battling Parkinson's. My two children promised their mom on her deathbed that they would "Take care of Dad." And did hey ever--they have been with me 24/7, so smothering me with company and caregiving that I have not had time to think, grieve, or properly embrace the pain of parting. It has been one movie after another, on restaurant after another, etc. I don't see how they themselves have been able to mourn the loss of their mother--they have been so busy keeping me company non-stop.
So--my counsel is to give your mom some space to grieve and think and pray and embrace the grief!
Kerfuffle, this is their way of grieving, in a sense, so speak to them, gently about the wonderful lives you all have had because of the woman who was so important to you all....Then let them know how much you love them and how important they are to their own families and they will back off a little. This problem is much different and maybe not as bad as the opposite? Hope is all works out for ALL of you.. My prayers to you and your family on your loss.. In all honesty, this is the way it is supposed to work, well, in moderation!!! God Bless you!
Boy, losing someone you love.....no matter in death or Alz/dementia is a death in itself and I'm so sorry that you and your mom are going through that now. I had a really dear friend tell me after her husband passed away that the one thing that hurt her the most is that people never talked about her husband because they thought it was uncomfortable not only for me but for them as well. She said the best thing in the world is for people to remember the loved one and USE their name all the time. Remember good times, talk about them, laugh and cry. She misses him like crazy and it's been at least 10 years. But I have already remembered that with other friends who have lost their spouses. I always talk about them using their name whenever I can. Tell her friends and family the same thing. To remember and celebrate his memory. Good Luck and may God Bless
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Zanners I am sorry for your loss. Take care of your mom for awhile now.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
Your presence, your touch, your understanding and love are all that you can provide. If she wants to talk, share stories about happy memories.
This is a terrible blow to your mother.The early stages of dementia may make it even worse as she may forget he's gone and she's most likely too aware at this stage for you to redirect.
My mother went through this and it was heartbreaking for us all. It took a long time for her to finally absorb that Dad had died. My heart goes out to you as well as your mom because you are grieving your dad's death and your mom's pain.
Please keep in touch so that we can offer what support we can.
Carol
So--my counsel is to give your mom some space to grieve and think and pray and embrace the grief!