My Mom died 6 months ago. At first I was consumed by organizing the service and then handling her estate. Recently I've asked my siblings to step up and it's almost completely done.
My struggle now is how to move forward effectively. I've tried all the good things... going to the library, going to yoga, making a list of all the doctors and car appointments that I neglected, calling on old friends. I feel like my grand purpose in life died with my sweet Mom and I'm struggling to find another that will be less destructive to my own health and finances.
It was so easy to see the path forward when it came to caring for Mom. She was always the priority. At this point, with children grown and gone... it's difficult to know how to set life on a path forward that is constructive, healthy and gives back to the community. I am VERY reluctant to sign up for anything that would drive my health and personal finances back into trouble and I am still working to get healthy again. Struggling to sleep, imperfect eating habits and doing well with exercise (walking, weights and yoga).
Has anyone found a path that is reasonable, intellectually challenging and yet not too taxing after being completely exhausted by the caregiving that ended?
Mostly, we need to overcome our grief in our own way, often with the help of friends, a spiritual leader or counselor. Then we remember the good, if we can, and while not forgetting the tough times, we gain perspective.
This article may help a little:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm
Take care,
Carol
The woman from behind the counter asked, "May I please see your I.D.?"
I had to keep from laughing. Mind you, my mom's death is nothing to ridicule. There are things I miss about her. Her controlling personality isn't one of them.
Have a cold one (it doesn't have to be alcohol) and celebrate the gifts your loved one gave you in life and toast the future and your own healing. (I also believe one's wounds are healed when they cross over, cheers to that too. Substitute customs appropriate to your own belief system here.)
I for one cannot; I am only 57, and during last year's unemployment, I took care of my 93-old mother after her back injury. If she could not walk, the family and would have placed her into assisted living sooner. This year, however I have at least a tempory job, a week into my new job, my mother got injured again. The family and I are looking into moving her from a nursing home into a board-and-care home. Mom worked and saved her money, so she is responsible for paying for her care that the family and I cannot handle anymore. If you do not set boundries and schedules to have a break and some fun for yourself, you are at risk of a burnout from the stress. We care for our loved ones but not to the extent that we must sacrifice ourselves to death. Take care of yourself, first. Do you have any family contact available? Please ask for help now before your mothers' condition gets worse. Does she have a revokable trust? Now is the time to help her set one up while she can still make some decisions and that you can get POA to carry out the financial tasks on her behalf. Please see and attorney for advise. All the Best to You!!
PatatHome01
One thing that helps some is having things scheduled. I have plenty to do -- that is never an issue. But if I don't get my papers organized this week they'll still be there next week. I can do laundry anytime. I'm much better off if instead of saying "I'll come over sometime next week and help you with that," I say, "I'll come over Tuesday about 1:30 to help," and put it on my calendar. Making dates to have lunch with friends is good, too. My mother (dementia) stays here once a month for a long weekend and that is hard but it also gives me some deadlines for certain household chores and a schedule (hers) to keep to for a few days.
As much as everyone says, "Give yourself time," I really didn't expect it to take this long!
I keep reliving the last 4 days of his life. They were horrific and when I think of my dad all I see is the way he looked that week. I can still hear his voice, whimpering to me, begging me to help him as I tried to calm him by stroking his head. He was like a child.
I wish I were 6 months away from this. It's still so new to me. I still cry.
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