Big time burnout caring for my parent who fabricates medical conditions.
My mother is 77 years old. She’s been “sick” and in sheer agony for about 40 years, since my father recovered from brain cancer. She has seen dozens of specialists, and had a handful of unnecessary surgeries, and it’s always the same, they can’t find any causes.
Despite not having any diagnoses, except from the normal aging process, she’s been bedridden for about 12 years. Yes, you read that right! She put herself in bed after my dad died, and my bother drank himself to death, she was 65. She convinced my in-laws that she was seriously ill for about 7 years. And she doesn’t see this as unusual.
I took over her care about 5 years ago, after my divorce, and it’s come to my attention that she isn’t sick at all. She just wants to be taken care of like a baby. She seems to brag about her conditions and symptoms to every medical staff member, even PT.
I do literally everything for her, and she doesn’t even want to hear about what’s going on in my life, how stressed I’m feeling about caring for her and her house. She was never my mom, she was my brother’s mom; I had my dad. And, she’s perfectly happy with the way things are right now.
The doctors have done her a disservice by catering to her wishes, and not treating her for depression. She can barely move now because she’s too weak, her muscles are literally atrophied. And she’s in constant “all over” pain because her muscles are constricted. She thinks pills and creams will make everything better. I have to control all medications because she misuses them.
She’s losing touch with the world, and still believes she has some parasitic brain disease that’s killing her. To be clear, she doesn’t have any signs of dementia and she gets brain scans every time she’s hospitalized for a UTI, which is about 3 times a year.
I have alerted her new doctor to her obvious hypochondria. I feel like she’s just taking away my life because she wants to be taken care of like a baby. I’m so done with caring for a self-imposed invalid who gave up on life after her beloved son died. A healthy elderly adult who has to be told to sit up to eat 3 times a day, and to take bedtime pills at bedtime.
After talking to her doctor, I’m leaning towards putting her in a nursing home. She’s already taken so much away from me. I haven’t even had time to work on my own life after my divorce. I have to be here, on call, all the time, in case she falls, drops the remote, or needs water or something. I fear that it will ruin whatever relationship we have, but I just can’t do this for another 5 years! She isn’t sick! But that’s why this is a tough decision.
I don’t know, a little advice or even someone’s own experiences would sure help. I’m kinda alone on this.
She is very ill, indeed.
And she needs expert care for her mental illness.
She may suffer from Munchausen's disease. She may suffer from other mental disorders, but this is not something that you can diagnosis. And you may in fact be enabling it with your care. This would put you on the "co" spectrum in this situation.
It is time to speak with her MDs now regarding full mental evaluation; I would also suggest, after all this time dealing with this, that you seek therapy for yourself. I do NOT mean that online nonsense that costs little and is worth less.
In all likelihood you cannot save your mother. You may need to leave her in the hands of the state as guardian of her diagnosis, placement and ongoing well being. You have thrown you life away on the burning funeral pyre of a parent, and it is a very slow burn, indeed. I am so sorry you have not sought help for yourself, because as I said, you cannot save her.
But just because she has given up on her life doesn't mean that you have to give up on yours. You deserve SO much better and I know that you know that very well.
So yes, start looking into getting your mother placed in a skilled nursing facility ASAP, and once she's placed make sure that you limit your visits to perhaps just twice a month so that you won't continue to get sucked into her delusional world.
It's now time for you get on with your life, as your life is the only one that you can save.
Best wishes in getting your mother placed soon.
She IS taking away your life, for no good reason.
She created this bizarre situation and is loving it.
You have sacrificed 5 years of time you will never get back.
You must take your life back, whatever it takes.
That is well said. She created the situation and is loving it.
What are your/her financial situation? Does one of you own the home you live in, or are you renting? Do you have a job, or savings, of your own? What is her income?
Yes, she should move to a nursing home. Don't feel guilty. She will enjoy having a new audience for her tales of woe and hypochondria -- but they will be better able to see through her imagined needs, to her actual needs, including her mental health issues, which she clearly has.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't deal with any more of her doctor's, make any more phone calls and just stop catering to this nonsense. These types can manipulate people for years on end.
Do you still work? If not, focus on training for a new job and move out.
Many of us look for approval from a parent we didn't get love or approval from. This sounds like what is happening in your case.
Get some therapy and find our what wired your brain to to stay in this situation.
One way you handle a dependent situation is to leave. Get therapy, get your independence and reclaim your life. Time stands still for no one.
When you leave, call APS and leave it to them. Report an elderly person for self-neglect.
You’re allowed to change plans.
Do you want to be done?
Yes, it is appropriate for her to be living in a nursing home. Or, alternatively,
hire (on her dime), round-the-clock caregivers and companion aides to be
by her side at home.
Does she live with you? If so, that's a problem, and it needs to end.
You do not need to be doing this. You need to take care of yourself. No one else is going to.
I find it curious you say you fear it will ruin whatever relationship you have.
The only relationship you have is a co-dependent one, and it is only serving her.
You deserve to have a life. Are you working now? Or saving money for the future? It is important for you to consider your future.
You feel her doctors have done her a disservice by not treating for depression.
Ask her current doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. That is, if mom stays in her home. You can set up telehealth visits for talk therapy and possibly meds prescribed. It sounds like she is enjoying the attention she is creating for herself.
Have a talk with mom. Tell her the options. Be firm. It is ok to say that you can no longer provide the care that she needs. Let her know you care about her and want her to have the best care. And You can not provide it.
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