Big time burnout caring for my parent who fabricates medical conditions.
My mother is 77 years old. She’s been “sick” and in sheer agony for about 40 years, since my father recovered from brain cancer. She has seen dozens of specialists, and had a handful of unnecessary surgeries, and it’s always the same, they can’t find any causes.
Despite not having any diagnoses, except from the normal aging process, she’s been bedridden for about 12 years. Yes, you read that right! She put herself in bed after my dad died, and my bother drank himself to death, she was 65. She convinced my in-laws that she was seriously ill for about 7 years. And she doesn’t see this as unusual.
I took over her care about 5 years ago, after my divorce, and it’s come to my attention that she isn’t sick at all. She just wants to be taken care of like a baby. She seems to brag about her conditions and symptoms to every medical staff member, even PT.
I do literally everything for her, and she doesn’t even want to hear about what’s going on in my life, how stressed I’m feeling about caring for her and her house. She was never my mom, she was my brother’s mom; I had my dad. And, she’s perfectly happy with the way things are right now.
The doctors have done her a disservice by catering to her wishes, and not treating her for depression. She can barely move now because she’s too weak, her muscles are literally atrophied. And she’s in constant “all over” pain because her muscles are constricted. She thinks pills and creams will make everything better. I have to control all medications because she misuses them.
She’s losing touch with the world, and still believes she has some parasitic brain disease that’s killing her. To be clear, she doesn’t have any signs of dementia and she gets brain scans every time she’s hospitalized for a UTI, which is about 3 times a year.
I have alerted her new doctor to her obvious hypochondria. I feel like she’s just taking away my life because she wants to be taken care of like a baby. I’m so done with caring for a self-imposed invalid who gave up on life after her beloved son died. A healthy elderly adult who has to be told to sit up to eat 3 times a day, and to take bedtime pills at bedtime.
After talking to her doctor, I’m leaning towards putting her in a nursing home. She’s already taken so much away from me. I haven’t even had time to work on my own life after my divorce. I have to be here, on call, all the time, in case she falls, drops the remote, or needs water or something. I fear that it will ruin whatever relationship we have, but I just can’t do this for another 5 years! She isn’t sick! But that’s why this is a tough decision.
I don’t know, a little advice or even someone’s own experiences would sure help. I’m kinda alone on this.
When we got there he wasn't in his pajamas waiting for us but rather had put himself together as if he was going out to a nice restaurant! I couldn't believe my eyes. We get him into the car and off we go. He's in the back seat chatting away. I asked him why we were going to the ER and he snapped at me "To check my cardiac enzymes" and he got angry.
In the ER they checked his cardiac enzymes and everything came back normal. Normal ECG. Normal vitals. Not sweating. No symptoms. Doctor asks him what he had for dinner - FIL loves a good meal - and doctor says FIL had gas. So we take him back home. At this point he's already living in a senior community but in the independent living part.
Before we left, my husband told his dad that next time he feels chest pain or falls or anything like that, to call an ambulance and not us. My FIL tested the waters of becoming our little invalid and it didn't work. That's all to say you have gone so far beyond anything that is normal with your mother and she needs professional help. So do you for enabling her.
Same advice to you that I put to Caring4Crazy. Walk away. Let your mother become a Ward of the State. She'll get placed in some kind of LTC facility.
Ignore her nonsense. You're not qualified to treat her mental illness and if she was never willing to get psychiatric care and do the work to overcome her mental illness, that's on her not you.
If her "urgencies" are just nonsense, ignore her. Does she know how to call 911? Ask the police to do wellness checks on her. If she's not coping, they will put the fire under APS to get her placed somewhere.
Most importantly of all though is that you STOP PLAYING HER GAMES! Mothers like ours weaponize their neediness and use it to manipulate us. They don't appreciate the love, help, and compassion we show them and never will. No, not at all. They exploit it to keep us lowly and subservient to them.
I learned this a long time ago. Way back when I as in my 20's and my mother wasn't even 60 yet, my best friend was getting married. Her family was Indian and the wedding was a big deal. I was honored to be in it. They paid for all the gorgeous clothes, and the airfare, and the accommodations.
When my luggage was being loaded into the car my mother starting having chest pains (what else?) and worked herself up into hysterics about needing to got ot he ER. She wanted me to miss my flight and the wedding so I could bring her to the hospital. She was playing at some fake ER drama. I told her to call one of her other kids or 911.
There was nothing wrong with her, she just wanted to ruin this once-in-a-lifetime occasion for me. Fabricating a medical emergency is a good way to without seeming like a nasty, petty person.
I was married three times (my second husband twice and curretly). My mother was invited to one out of three. She ruined the first one with her non-stop negativity and jealousy. So I learned from that and didn't have at the other two.
You have to get hard on your mother's nonsense. If she's a mental case backing off keeping her at arm's length will be the best thing for both of you.
Someone on this forum so brilliantly said that their mother's dysfunctional parenting actually made them become a trigger to her. As I am to mine and probably you and Caring4Crazy are to yours.
We trigger the 'performances'. Others do not. That's why others should be taking care of them.
People like our mothers weaponize their neediness and use it to manipulate their families into being care-slaves to them. I was very much parentified by my mother and had to be the adult in the house since I was a little kid. Enough it enough. I walked away at 18 and stayed away until coming back for a few years, then that was it. I had to go.
You've let your mother's hypochondria, learned helplessness, and untreated mental illness rob you of too many years of your life. She robbed herself of her own life by refusing treatment for her mental illness. That's not your fault. It's hers. Yes, you did her a disservice by waiting on her hand and foot, but you couldn't treat her mental illness. She needed psychiatric care and had to be willing to do the work herself to overcome it. She refused and that's on her not you.
Put her in a nursing home and take back your own life. You deserve some measure of happiness. Everyone does. Good luck.
I think your Mom may be happy in a facility, with new people to complain to about her medical issues, and staff to do for her...although not exactly the way she is used to.
Please reclaim your life. Good luck.
I wish I could offer you a solution. Hopefully some of the other responses will help you with direction.
Yes, it is appropriate for her to be living in a nursing home. Or, alternatively,
hire (on her dime), round-the-clock caregivers and companion aides to be
by her side at home.
Does she live with you? If so, that's a problem, and it needs to end.
You do not need to be doing this. You need to take care of yourself. No one else is going to.
I find it curious you say you fear it will ruin whatever relationship you have.
The only relationship you have is a co-dependent one, and it is only serving her.
You deserve to have a life. Are you working now? Or saving money for the future? It is important for you to consider your future.
You feel her doctors have done her a disservice by not treating for depression.
Ask her current doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. That is, if mom stays in her home. You can set up telehealth visits for talk therapy and possibly meds prescribed. It sounds like she is enjoying the attention she is creating for herself.
Have a talk with mom. Tell her the options. Be firm. It is ok to say that you can no longer provide the care that she needs. Let her know you care about her and want her to have the best care. And You can not provide it.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't deal with any more of her doctor's, make any more phone calls and just stop catering to this nonsense. These types can manipulate people for years on end.
Do you still work? If not, focus on training for a new job and move out.
Many of us look for approval from a parent we didn't get love or approval from. This sounds like what is happening in your case.
Get some therapy and find our what wired your brain to to stay in this situation.
One way you handle a dependent situation is to leave. Get therapy, get your independence and reclaim your life. Time stands still for no one.
When you leave, call APS and leave it to them. Report an elderly person for self-neglect.
She IS taking away your life, for no good reason.
She created this bizarre situation and is loving it.
You have sacrificed 5 years of time you will never get back.
You must take your life back, whatever it takes.
That is well said. She created the situation and is loving it.
What are your/her financial situation? Does one of you own the home you live in, or are you renting? Do you have a job, or savings, of your own? What is her income?
Yes, she should move to a nursing home. Don't feel guilty. She will enjoy having a new audience for her tales of woe and hypochondria -- but they will be better able to see through her imagined needs, to her actual needs, including her mental health issues, which she clearly has.
You’re allowed to change plans.
Do you want to be done?
But just because she has given up on her life doesn't mean that you have to give up on yours. You deserve SO much better and I know that you know that very well.
So yes, start looking into getting your mother placed in a skilled nursing facility ASAP, and once she's placed make sure that you limit your visits to perhaps just twice a month so that you won't continue to get sucked into her delusional world.
It's now time for you get on with your life, as your life is the only one that you can save.
Best wishes in getting your mother placed soon.
She is very ill, indeed.
And she needs expert care for her mental illness.
She may suffer from Munchausen's disease. She may suffer from other mental disorders, but this is not something that you can diagnosis. And you may in fact be enabling it with your care. This would put you on the "co" spectrum in this situation.
It is time to speak with her MDs now regarding full mental evaluation; I would also suggest, after all this time dealing with this, that you seek therapy for yourself. I do NOT mean that online nonsense that costs little and is worth less.
In all likelihood you cannot save your mother. You may need to leave her in the hands of the state as guardian of her diagnosis, placement and ongoing well being. You have thrown you life away on the burning funeral pyre of a parent, and it is a very slow burn, indeed. I am so sorry you have not sought help for yourself, because as I said, you cannot save her.
Can you "put her in a Nursing Home" Do you have POA?
Have you consulted with an Elder Care Attorney to insure that you have the ability to make decisions for her?
Next time she goes to the hospital you can refuse to take her home. Simple as telling the discharge staff that you are unable to safely care for her any longer.
Is mom physically able to get up and ambulate on her own?
Does mom do any of the ADL's herself?
You can make a call to APS and tell them that this is a vulnerable, at risk senior and you are unable to care for her. She would probably be made a Ward of the State and a Court Appointed Guardian would begin making medical and Financial decisions for her. (if she has assets that will pay for her care in a facility that would be great. Or would Medicaid kick in? )
A few others that are more versed in legalities will post responses as well.
I have only come to realize the severity of her mental illness until we moved to Oklahoma, and I had nobody to assist me. 5 months ago. Ya I was a little late to the party. And I have an education in clinical psychology 😬.
She won’t admit to feeling depression or anxiety. She’s happy as a clam. As long as I take care of her and don’t talk about my problems.