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Is your mother living with your brother, or vice versa? Is there anyone else in the home? If your brother is living with her, and he's controlling her access to food, I'd call APS immediately.
I'm wondering if there's anything going on though There have been some posts about folks eating and eating without recognizing they're doing harm to themselves. Is this possibly going on?
However, I'm wondering what other controlling actions your brother has taken.
And how is your mother's health? Is she adequately fed and otherwise cared for?
Don't assume abuse. I had to hide and lock up a lot of things from my Dad. He would wander the house at night. Pulling things out and just leaving them...or throw stuff away if it "bothered" him. Turning on appliances...blasting the TV....etc. you just don't know what is happening.
I think calling APS on someone is a nasty thing to do. Know the facts first. I had APS do their best to cause me HUGE problems because of a neighbor just trying anything she could think of to cause harm to my parents. Finally ended with my refusal to talk with them.,told them to talk with the family lawyer..period. Nasty thing to do if you don't know what is going on.
In the case of dementia...you really do not know what is happening if you haven't walked in those shoes.
Instead of judging him....offer to be her caregiver a couple days a week...give him a break, and you will know for yourself why he felt this was needed.
My mother is diabetic and has mild dementia (and is stubborn as all get out). When my brother was his caregiver, she used to call me all the time and tell me that she is always hungry and he hides the bread and cereal from her.
On the other hand, he told me that one time (when she had an undiagnosed UTI) he caught her drinking almost a half gallon of orange juice.
Although I can't stand him personally, I can't judge him for hiding the food.
Mom lives with me now and we had a long frank talks about quality versus length of life. I told her I would do as instructed. Did she wasn't to eat what she wants and go early or stick to the diet and live longer.
We have not had the same battles about food that my brother had but I can understand what was going on.
Try expressing empathy and see if he will be more willing to explain before you assume the worst intentions.
I wouldn't assume the worst with your brother. With a person with dementia, the caretaker may have reasons for protecting the patient from things that we consider unharmful. As other have suggested upthread, sometimes dementia patients are not able to regulate their eating. They forget they just ate and they may eat to the point that they are sick. Their brain damage may prevent them from knowing they are full. They may also take food out of the fridge and hide it elsewhere in the house, only to retrieve it later after it's spoiled. This could make her sick.
I'd try to figure it out, before making a judgment. Has your mom lost any weight? Does she appear to be well nourished? Who prepares her meals and snacks?
I can recall a caregiver here posting about a woman who lived in the home - not her actual patient as everyone else was in denial- eating sticks of butter - just straight butter, as well as a container of straight salt. You just never know...
I read your mother had dementia and I imagine locking the refrigerator is a response to that. I agree with katiekate and others that it could be done to keep her from binging or taking things out of the refrigerator and leaving them out. One of the first things I read when I was learning about Alzheimer's was that sometimes you had to lock the cabinets and refrigerator, as well as do other things like taking the knobs off the stove and removing sharp flatware. These things are done to protect the person from themselves and not to punish them in any way. Locking the refrigerator is inconvenient for everyone, so I imagine it was done for a reason. I would think the better before I would think the worst.
I stand corrected and withdraw my suggestion of contacting APS, UNLESS there are legitimate food deprivation issues. Others have made good points about what can take place between someone with dementia and food.
We lock our fridge and pantry. I prepare all my Moms meals for the day each moring and put them in a cooler on the counter. After two trips to the ER because she ate a whole bottle of hot chili sauce. The 1st time she threw up, slipped and fell in the bathroom. The second time I found that she had the bottle in her bedroom after another ER trip when she had diarehha so bad they had to fumigate the ER!! My Mom has lost half her body weight in the 4 yrs she has lived with me and it has nothing to do with food deprivation, she is just no longer eating junk food along with the progression of disease but I can bet If I were reported I would bet It would appeare as if I was depriving her of food. It is sad that people do not understand how difficult it is to care for a person with this disease, the things we need to do to keep them safe from themselves. We have all the mirrors covered with paper because she thinks her image is a friend and would stand for hours talking to the mirror, locks on the OUTside of screen doors on our house so she cant get out and wander on summer days, toilet water shut off so sher does flood the house by flushing and flushing to get a depends to go down or locking the trashbarrel so she doesnt rummage through it and eat spoiled food after eating 2 bananas, a full bowl of cereal, yogurt and 12 oz of gatorade. We give up all of our privacy all, our normal life when we take a parent in with AD. No one who has not been in our situation understands how hard it is. The other day I found my Mom sleeping with a used depends full of feces under her pillow! Please remember caregivers are up againt a lot, they need your support not a critical eye
NO I definitely would not report Your Brother. He is Caring for Your Mom isn't He. I can only guess Your Mom has Dementia or Alzheimer's, and while Your Moms hands are soiled ( UN CLEAN ) She's been in and out to the refrigerator. This has alarmed Your Brother so much that He's put a lock on the refrigerator door. Extreme I know, but I understand why. I never reprimanded My Mother when I saw Her in the refridgeratior, since I knew it was the illness. Sometimes We have to close Our eyes.
Wait a minute. Is your mother obese? If she is constantly going to the refrigerator and getting foods, when one has dementia they often times do not feel like they have eaten. Why don't you ask your brother why he put the chain and lock on the refrigerator? Communication is key here, and unless your mother is starving then don't waste any agencies' time by reporting your brother. They have much more abusive cases to investigate. You don't give us much information so it is hard to really answer your question...
I have a friend who's husband would eat everything in the refrigerator and pantry if she did not have them locked. I am talking about everything from the leftover chicken to a stick of butter to a bottle of cooking oil. Locking the refrigerator and pantry is a safety measure. I did not have to do this as my husband needed help getting up and used a walker so I could stay ahead of him. If it had not been for the broken hip I would have had to lock everything as well. Before he fell he would go through 4 or 5 boxes of cookies if he could get his hands on them. So please do not judge unless you know the full scope of what the reasoning behind locking the refrigerator is. With my husband I did keep fruit out and I would place a package of crackers on the counter for him to discover. but keeping a close eye on someone that is not aware that they have eaten is a full time job. As long as she is getting fed, good balanced meals I do not think there is a problem with locking a refrigerator or pantry.
It is scary to think the first reaction to a locked fridge is to call APS. Caregiving is draining and when you're dealing with the welfare of a vulnerable adult, you have many balls in the air at once. I bought a child lock for the dishwasher because if I wasn't on top of the dishes at the end of the wash cycle, mom would either add dirty dishes and/or run another cycle - with or without detergent. If I waited for a full load before running the dishwasher, mom would be empty it - putting dirty dishes put away. When I would try to intervene - she got really angry & vowed that was the last time she was touching the dishes (her threat was my hope!) The issue with AD/dementia is there is total lack of discernment. Mom was obsessed with the dishwasher. It was far worse than a child who is full of mischief. Children tend to learn...AD/dementia folks are in a constant state of unlearning. So, locking the refrigerator...as "foreign" as that seems...there is more than likely a sound reason for doing so. Now, if a person were being locked in a room/restrained in their soiled bed - yes...That is alarm worthy. As a caregiver, I know full well I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination...But, I've heard enough stories/complaints about care in institutional settings to know that mom has more attention/personal access - which may be the trade off. Also, I don't think residents in facilities have all-access to the kitchen/refrigerator...
In the beginning of living with my Mom, she would take everything out of the frig and leave it on the table. She would put her shoes and socks in the frig. I decided to put a lock on the frig when I found a dirty depends inside. After I put the lock on the frig she tore the handle off trying to open it. I put a cooler full of drinks and snacks for her during the day, at that time. That phase only lasted about 6 months, now I can leave it unlocked as there hasn't been an episode in over a year. I still keep the knobs off of the stove.
When we(my family) became caregivers to my father who now has AD. Over these last few years, for his safety as well as ours, we'd had to make many changes to our home and how we lived. It finally became a necessity to put a lock on our refrigerator when I woke to discover he'd drank the ketchup, soy sauce and was in the sugar. Any food items that we don't put in the fridge or freezer goes into our locked coat closet (pantry) yes even cans, along with small kitchen appliances, sharpes..you get the picture. He eats his regular meals and we also put out healthy snacks several times through out the day. Some post were all APS! Abuse! They are either really lucky or just don't understand. My sister thought it not a good idea and cruel to do this until she visited and saw for herself what was going on. She observed him and had her own suggestions to make most of which helped us. You should really talk to your brother and just...ask. If you can't talk to him, observe. Just watch and then you'll see what's happening.
My mom has dementia and recently was hospitalized because she made herself sick drinking a flavored coffee creamer-- a full quart by the glass, unnoticed by anyone else in the home because it was in the wee hours of the morning. The doctor now wants to move her to a nursing home as she "could have ingested something harmful". I fully understand the lock on the fridge door, had my brother and Dad been awake when she did this it would have been a different story but they were sleeping and she was getting in the fridge and mistaking flavored coffee creamer for egg nog (or just loved the taste of the creamer).
I have found that Special need people and Dementia people tend to eat sweets over good food. I was told because it's instant gratification. As long as she is getting 3 descent meals a day and kept hydrated I wouldn't worry. Food cost a lot of money. I do feel ur brother could have given u a reason.
I guess I was lucky. Living in a split level and Mom being in the lowest level I never had to deal with this. Because of the stairs, that she had a hard time with, I had to baby gate her in. She had access to a full bathroom. She came up stairs only when someone could be with her. I never had to worry about her in the cabinets or frig.
Although this wasn't food, it should have been locked up like Fort Knox. Yes, someone drank a whole bottle of BATH OIL to get drunk! I don't know if they survived.
Locking a person out of their room because they make a mess is considered abuse in my state according to the ombudsman, but he is useless because when the home denies doing it he believes them. So, I had to get a video. Just because they make a mess isn't a reason to deny their rights.
I would try again about why the fridge needs to be locked at all times. Does she have dementia and diabetes? If that's the case but he is still feeding her what she really should be eating, okay, but if he isn't call APS. Telling you to mind your buisness is fishy, it's your mother and this stuff is your buisness. There are some families that do have to keep food under lock and key for good reason. Look up Prader Willi Syndrome and then you can see where it's a good idea. But see what facts that you can find out before calling APS.
If you look at a person with dementia--think of a 2 yo with little to no concept of opening the fridge at will and eating whatever's in sight and likely having dirty hands. ALL my kids had "kid locks" on their fridges. It's not cruel, it was saving their sanity! I had one granddaughter who craved butter and would sneak sticks of it into her bed and just snack on it all night. Another will just randomly put her fingers into whatever looks good--day after she's been here the strawberries I just bought are covered in fine mold. Is it actually a chain and lock? That sounds a bit over the top. They make some pretty secure kid locks. More than once I found I couldn't get them open. We had kid locks on all the lower cupboards for years. I about busted my knuckles trying to open them. Lucky the youngest gkid is 4 and will obey me. All the locks are gone! Yeah! If dad is getting healthy meals and a snack now and then, I could not call this abuse. If brother is withholding food, then yes, it could be construed as such.
CM - the OP that posted this never came back to tell us what happened or what the situation *really* was with Mom/brother and the locked fridge, so this thread is really not doing the OP any good. However it *is* providing much-needed advice for those who may be new to caregiving and trying to deal with a dementia patient/loved one who is overeating or eating foods that will harm them, based on their medical issues (like diabetes).
To that end, I'll offer my own insight. Mom was very morbidly obese for almost all of her adult life. By the time I became her caregiver, she was in very bad shape, and the dementia had already kicked in when I moved in with her. In their later years, both Mom and Dad ate very poorly, ordering food in (pizza, pasta and subs are all that's available around here for delivery), picking up fast food at a drive-thru or just eating junk. They even had their groceries delivered, because it became too difficult to get in/out of the car and get through the grocery store because of their weight. Mom was also a major night owl, catnapping all day and up/down all night. Due to the dementia, she would forget if she had eaten anything and would wander into the kitchen to get something - a banana, an ice cream bar, etc. Nothing she had to cook, so she wasn't dangerous that way - however, she was endangering her own health eating 5-6 bananas or ice cream bars in a single night! She would forget she had one and go back and get another...and another...and another.
My solution was *not* to put a lock on the fridge, as I felt that would just be humiliating to her, as the dementia was not so bad that she wouldn't know what was going on - she would definitely know and feel shamed that I felt she couldn't control her eating. She couldn't - but there was no reason to make her feel badly for it. Instead, I started buying the Weight Watchers ice cream bars instead of the full sugar ones and storing them in the small chest freezer in another room, where I knew she wouldn't touch them, because it was too hard for her to get in there and open the freezer on her own. The bananas went in the cabinet above the fridge or in another "out of sight, out of mind" place, where she couldn't find them easily. Then, in order to keep her late-night cravings satisfied, I started making up a little snack box for her to have at night. Crackers & cheese, grapes, 1/2 a banana, maybe some salami slices or other lunch meat she might like, and a sugar-free jello or something similar. I packed it all in a small cooler-style lunchbox with an ice pack, and she was happy as a lark with her "night box"!
Caregiving is such a tough job. You have to be really creative sometimes to make it work without causing emotional harm or sowing discord in the family with your actions, because not everyone will understand why you locked the fridge; why you put a baby gate up in the doorway to the basement stairs; why you hide their meds and watch them take pills one at a time....and even if you explain, it may not make sense to others. Only other caregivers will understand.
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I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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I'm wondering if there's anything going on though There have been some posts about folks eating and eating without recognizing they're doing harm to themselves. Is this possibly going on?
However, I'm wondering what other controlling actions your brother has taken.
And how is your mother's health? Is she adequately fed and otherwise cared for?
I think calling APS on someone is a nasty thing to do. Know the facts first. I had APS do their best to cause me HUGE problems because of a neighbor just trying anything she could think of to cause harm to my parents. Finally ended with my refusal to talk with them.,told them to talk with the family lawyer..period. Nasty thing to do if you don't know what is going on.
In the case of dementia...you really do not know what is happening if you haven't walked in those shoes.
On the other hand, he told me that one time (when she had an undiagnosed UTI) he caught her drinking almost a half gallon of orange juice.
Although I can't stand him personally, I can't judge him for hiding the food.
Mom lives with me now and we had a long frank talks about quality versus length of life. I told her I would do as instructed. Did she wasn't to eat what she wants and go early or stick to the diet and live longer.
We have not had the same battles about food that my brother had but I can understand what was going on.
Try expressing empathy and see if he will be more willing to explain before you assume the worst intentions.
If that doesn't work, then try APS.
I'd try to figure it out, before making a judgment. Has your mom lost any weight? Does she appear to be well nourished? Who prepares her meals and snacks?
Locking the refrigerator and pantry is a safety measure.
I did not have to do this as my husband needed help getting up and used a walker so I could stay ahead of him. If it had not been for the broken hip I would have had to lock everything as well. Before he fell he would go through 4 or 5 boxes of cookies if he could get his hands on them.
So please do not judge unless you know the full scope of what the reasoning behind locking the refrigerator is.
With my husband I did keep fruit out and I would place a package of crackers on the counter for him to discover. but keeping a close eye on someone that is not aware that they have eaten is a full time job.
As long as she is getting fed, good balanced meals I do not think there is a problem with locking a refrigerator or pantry.
Is it actually a chain and lock? That sounds a bit over the top. They make some pretty secure kid locks. More than once I found I couldn't get them open. We had kid locks on all the lower cupboards for years. I about busted my knuckles trying to open them. Lucky the youngest gkid is 4 and will obey me. All the locks are gone! Yeah!
If dad is getting healthy meals and a snack now and then, I could not call this abuse. If brother is withholding food, then yes, it could be construed as such.
To that end, I'll offer my own insight.
Mom was very morbidly obese for almost all of her adult life. By the time I became her caregiver, she was in very bad shape, and the dementia had already kicked in when I moved in with her. In their later years, both Mom and Dad ate very poorly, ordering food in (pizza, pasta and subs are all that's available around here for delivery), picking up fast food at a drive-thru or just eating junk. They even had their groceries delivered, because it became too difficult to get in/out of the car and get through the grocery store because of their weight.
Mom was also a major night owl, catnapping all day and up/down all night. Due to the dementia, she would forget if she had eaten anything and would wander into the kitchen to get something - a banana, an ice cream bar, etc. Nothing she had to cook, so she wasn't dangerous that way - however, she was endangering her own health eating 5-6 bananas or ice cream bars in a single night! She would forget she had one and go back and get another...and another...and another.
My solution was *not* to put a lock on the fridge, as I felt that would just be humiliating to her, as the dementia was not so bad that she wouldn't know what was going on - she would definitely know and feel shamed that I felt she couldn't control her eating. She couldn't - but there was no reason to make her feel badly for it. Instead, I started buying the Weight Watchers ice cream bars instead of the full sugar ones and storing them in the small chest freezer in another room, where I knew she wouldn't touch them, because it was too hard for her to get in there and open the freezer on her own. The bananas went in the cabinet above the fridge or in another "out of sight, out of mind" place, where she couldn't find them easily.
Then, in order to keep her late-night cravings satisfied, I started making up a little snack box for her to have at night. Crackers & cheese, grapes, 1/2 a banana, maybe some salami slices or other lunch meat she might like, and a sugar-free jello or something similar. I packed it all in a small cooler-style lunchbox with an ice pack, and she was happy as a lark with her "night box"!
Caregiving is such a tough job. You have to be really creative sometimes to make it work without causing emotional harm or sowing discord in the family with your actions, because not everyone will understand why you locked the fridge; why you put a baby gate up in the doorway to the basement stairs; why you hide their meds and watch them take pills one at a time....and even if you explain, it may not make sense to others. Only other caregivers will understand.