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Hi, new here. 46 taking care of or rather babysitting my mother who is 72 while my dad still is healthy and works. Started this venture simple back in 2015. She's been in and out hospitals, rehab. That's my life now. I have no life or no help from any family or my BBF. I think she gets sick of me talking about it so I don't any more, I really don't talk to her much anymore. I gave a lot up. I am 46, not working, no/little income, no life, no thanks, nothing. I want my life back.


I rarely go out. I am finally seeing a family doctor after seven years cause it was about her. We do have a lady comes in a few days a week. I want my life back. I did not sign up for this. I got yelled and screamed at this past weekend, was my burn out point. Mom is 72 gets around pretty good she needs watching she can't drive any more my options are really limited but she have health issues alone burn out and stressed out if I bring all this up I get yelled at I get no support from out side when I bring up my health I get yelled as well had
my first doctors appointment no support. I want her to die. I hate both my parents. I want to move really bad I used to be fun and very active life went every where careging sucks I don't want to wake up most times it sucks the life you had out of you. I want to date, travel and work I can't I miss the old me the happy me it's gone. I don't even smile any more like I used to how can I get my old me back with out pissing my parents off? Sorry it's long post, this is how I feel.

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I wish I had a great answer for you. Seems simple to say go, get out, and return to your life. But it’s often more complicated than that. I also miss the person I used to be. But for me, I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again; organized, attractive, gainfully employed. It’s been over 10 years now. First my mom, then my aunt, and now my father. He’s end stage now so my caregiving should be coming to a close relatively soon. But I’m different now. Not to be dramatic but it’s like having been through a war. I’m anxious now, jaded and bitter, withdrawn. When I made the commitment to be a superwoman caregiver, I knew it would be tough. But I had no idea that it would completely soul crushing. I feel like I’m dying too. There’s nothing left. I was shocked how many people told me to not volunteer to be the caregiver, but now I understand. If you have an out, then use it. Before you’re only a shell of your former self. No matter what you do, I wish you strength and better days. Thank you for letting me vent.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
So well said. Caregiving changes lives. It really does.

Of course, hard for parents to be dependent on their children too.

Some parents are appreciative and others are downright mean. It’s especially hard to care for people who are ungrateful and mean.
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Take back your life. Don’t worry about what they think. A caring parent would not be treating their daughter this way. I used to stay with my Mom, lost everything that was good about myself. I couldn’t take it anymore. I left and moved from Ohio to northern Maine. I still had a few friends left who helped me. But I was prepared to go to a shelter if I had to. You can do it!
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I'm going to tell you something a very good friend said to me years ago when I was really stuck in a bad situation. "You are repeating yourself". At the time I just kept saying how I felt over and over without finding an answer to my problems. But you do have some things in mind - the women's shelter and a job. You have to start moving on that. Other solutions will come to you as you make the move. Your parents don't seem to care about you, so why would you care about their reaction to your going? You do not belong to them. You are not too old to begin your life all over, take classes if you need to for a job, and be with people your own age once in a while. Good luck.
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Okay, you have all the signs of depression and burnout. I’ve been there and done that!

Do whatever it takes to get your life back. Not good for you to be filled with resentment. Of course, you have your reasons. I am not judging you!

Not good for your mom to have a caregiver that is miserable.

Can you give us a bit more details please? Maybe we can help more with more information.

Hugs!
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Tell Dad you are planning to get a job and move out. Let him figure out how to care for, or get care for, your mother, who's only 72 years old at this point, and can easily live another 20 years. This right now is your default future if you do nothing. Instead, make plans to create a new life for yourself, starting immediately.

If you want your life back, TAKE IT BACK, my friend. Only YOU have the power to do that. You did not sign up to be a permanent care giver for your mother who may wind up outliving you at this point. Speak to your father about the situation immediately.

Best of luck!
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
Thanks like I said just can't not even getting paid for everything I do but I guess food and a place to live covers it no it does according to my dad I should get a little pay hopefully I can get a job I miss having one I miss a lot if things I wish I got out of this like my cousin did she was smart
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I wish you much luck with this. I've been in a similar deal with my mom for years
it's a learned conditioning and takes some effort to unlearn. Long ago I saw a therapist and he said we were too enmeshed. I agreed.
I have read up on a lot of subjects but one that makes sense to me is Co dependence. Habits really hard to break. We know we need and want to get away but can't seem to shake them or get the energy to finally go. Money reasons, feeling give out and not thinking we can make it without them or them without us. So on.
I fall into all of those stinking thinking thoughts.
Then last year she moved in with me. Something both of us didn't want. It has been a down hill dive ever since.
Read up on these subjects and you might see yourself in the descriptions.
If you are able to go out and have some fun, go ahead! Feel free for a little while.
hope it works out and still vent here.
best of luck
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
Normally when dad comes home from work I take off to the mall or I go out to dinner I did it a few times a month just by my self but I miss things cause everything is about her them can't stand it this summer I did a beer garden a ball game sushi place but then I get burn out once I get through the door I was lucky I got to go I even went to a car show but then they don't like it when I do things oh well I got yelled to believe me
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Getting your old you back, you may have to ditch at least some of the "without pissing my parents off" part - depending, of course, on how easily pissed off they are.

Why does your mother need minding? She's young for this, at 72, with four years already under your belt.
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
My mom has some health issues and needs help from time to time she uses a walker to get around and has a wheel chair trust me my parents get pissed easyly if I say something wrong plus my dad is a def a nor everything his way or no way he's been getting worse lately not better never liked my parents I get 💩 all the time he can't handle anything takes it out on me
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You are 46 years old. Get out.

Go to the local women's shelter, get some counseling and get a job and get on with your life.

You made a choice and now you have to make another choice.

Why do you care if they get mad.

You say they are always mad, so why would you moving out, being a grown woman, paying your own bills and doing what responsible adults do make them madder than they already are? Let them be mad.

Your mom will either figure it out or they will hire someone to come help. Works great for everyone, you have a life, they have their life and maybe at some point you all can have a relationship.
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Hi,I am also new.I read your post and was so thankful for your brutal honesty about your feelings and I felt relieved that someone else is feeling same way.I feel guilty when I want a life besides this day after day.Not much appreciation and I feel bitter at my family for not helping or caring or calling to check on him.I did sign up for this in sense of I brought him into my home.I think your right about friends dissappearing I don't have any contact with them and NO LIFE outside of this full time job .I feel so alone.*sorry I can't seem to erase this or move it.I posted it in wrong place.I apologize.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
It doesn’t get any better. I did full time caregiving for nearly 15 years in my home. Every year that passes by gets harder to endure.

At least take breaks if you can. Can you hire someone to help? Can you be put on the waiting list for Council on Aging? They will provide a few hours of respite care if your parent qualifies.

Can you plan a for assisted living facility or nursing home for the future? Speak to a social worker about the next step. Hugs. It’s so hard.

My Lord, just read your profile. You have your hands full! Please get help soon.
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I do have some income I watch a little dog a few times a week
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