My brother supposedly has dementia although the little time we get to talk to him he seems absolutely lucid.
He lives in Arizona and we (4 siblings) live in Oregon. His daughter and grandkids live in AZ as well, about 2hrs away. She hasn’t been able to see him for 2 years, the wife blocks most attempts to see him.
His wife has appointed herself through the state as his caregiver. Taken his money away from him and gives him 20.00 a month allowance. She rarely lets us talk to him and monitors our conversations.
Also she won’t even let him out of the house.
We have absolutely no interest in money, the wife can have it.
We are a close loving family and have a place for him.
My question is, if he is willing to leave his wife and come home to us is there something illegal in us taking him back home with us?
We are traveling to AZ to try to talk to him. I’m hoping to avoid attorneys getting involved, only as a last resort.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
If he IS cognitively impaired and she is mistreating him you will need proof. You must contact APS for their county -- but don't do this until you are there in person and can assess the situation. If you go there and she blocks you from visiting him, then I would involve APS for sure. Maybe she also has some sort of cognitive problem as well. If your brother does have dementia he may be having delusions, which is a common part of the disease.
Does she have any family that you can talk to? If I were in your situation I would have someone go there to make in-person contact with him. They can "test" his memory by asking him very specific questions (what day it is? what season? Who is the President? What is your address? etc). My MIL could carry on a very breezy conversation as long as you asked her vague questions (How's it going? Whatcha been up to? Is everything alright?) This is called Apparent Competency. This is why you need to ask very specific questions about current things.
FYI pursuing guardianship through the courts can be very expensive ($10K is a number often mentioned on this site) and if the judge doesn't like the family fighting may appoint a neutral (and unrelated) 3rd party as guardian. Good luck!
I suggest contacting APS about not being allowed to visit. In at least two cases I know of, APS in East TN checked on an elder and required family to be allowed to visit.
If he has not been declared legally incompetent and his wife made his conservator/guardian, she does not have the right to decide for him. You may run into trouble if he does have dementia and changes his mind and wants to go back home to his wife. His wife does not sound like a person who will just let him go happily to his family because he wants to. She will call the police and APS (Adult Protective Services) and you could get into trouble.
I would say to consult with an elder law attorney and see what your possible options are if any.
Also, a caregiver (even a spouse) isolating an elderly person from family and friends is considered elder abuse in many states. In some states it is also considered unlawful restraint. An elder law attorney can best advise you. Talk to one.
"His wife has appointed herself through the state as his caregiver."
I don't understand this either. Is she being paid by Medicaid to care for him or another government agency? That does not give her legal rights. That would be a POA or guardianship. You maybe able to question a POA but guardians are appointed by a Judge. You would have to prove neglect to get that ruling changed. I do think the daughter should be able to see her father. But that's her fight.
You need to visit. I would call APS in his county and ask what rights do u have and could they do a well check. You want to make sure brother is safe and cared for. That the wife is alienating the daughter. You need to realize that a wife trumps siblings. She is also the one caring for him. Its also her house.
If you find u can take him with you, you need to realize as his wife has rights. I really don't see how you could do this without a lawyer. For no other reason to protect what is his for future care.
What reasons has the daughter been given for not being able to see her father?
There is much missing here. If your brother is suffering from diagnosed dementia and your brother's wife has been made his guardian, then what you are discussing is basically kidnapping your brother from the person he chose to have in his life.
If your brother does NOT, however, have dementia, then he is free to leave his wife at any time, with half the assets of their estate, and live wherever and with whomever he pleases.
It sounds as though you are not in close contact, have not been, and don't know the facts in the case. So the key is firstly to make a family visit, as apparently you plan to do. Do remember, when you discuss with his wife your brother's condition, she is not beholden to share any of their private life with you, and if your brother is demented his description of his current life is not reliable. It will be clear to you when you visit how well he knows you, his reaction to your visit, and his circumstances of living.
As to an allowance, that would be called normal. A demented person cannot reliably keep money, and know what to do or, more importantly what NOT to do with it.
I wish you luck and hope you will update us with what you find on your visit. I hope you will start out by offering your support to your brother's wife as she attempts to care for--if she is correct--a husband who is suffering from dementia. SHE is the lioness at the gate. She is the person your brother chose to live with and love, and SHE is the one who is left now to care for him as he descends into what may be dementia.
As to attorneys they should not at present be brought into the conversation. It is the wife's right to care for her husband, if she is willing and able to do so. She already has conservatorship or guardianship, and you would NEVER be able to rip that from her unless there is outright evidence of abuse.