Every evening around 7 ish... usually after dinner, she starts. The other night she she started with the same drama but my husband ignored it. He did not respond to it at all.
After a few minutes she went to use her bathroom. It took an unusually long time. I got up to go check on her. However, she came out but she was upset, almost crying, she said she lost her ring down the toilet. - something inside told me otherwise.
Clue 1. - She and I confirm every morning where her ring is. She did not have it on all day.
Anyway, Hubby and I look in the usual places while she starts frantically digging through her purse and counting her Yahtzee dice.
After a half hour, we stopped looking.
I tell her it will turn up when everyone stops looking. She is not happy with me.
Then she asks hubby to look in her purse. Which he does, he empties it out (looked like a child's pocket). It's not there. But he washes the purse for her.
I offered to assist her to put her pajamas top on (she had the bottoms on) and get ready for bed. She started saying she didn't need the pajamas to match. - clue 2.
Well, now its 11 pm. We both get up at 5..I went to put her top on her and the ring fell out from the folds of her pajama shirt.
Inside, I believe she just wanted attention so she created it. Is this possible for a person with stage 6 dementia, or am I reading too much into it?
For example, at stage 6, she reported things stolen day and night. We attributed it to dementia paranoia until, one day, when I was ill and had asked for quiet time to recover. She spent the day repeatedly hiding her purse and reporting it stolen. When she demanded attention for the seventh time, I lashed out that I’d already found it for her six times because it wasn’t stolen, she was misplacing it. She informed me that this time it was really stolen because she’d hidden it so well I’d never find it.
I was livid. And suddenly very aware that I was dealing with something different.
I am left with the impression that dementia can make people incredibly manipulative. If they are so inclined. What I feel dementia takes away is the ability to understand why such attention seeking behaviour is inappropriate. It removes empathy. They want what they want by any means. Dementia removes the filter.
My husband was forever taking of his wedding ring to wash his hands, he’d leave it next to the sink, on a shelf, wherever. I bought him a plain gold comfort fit band, a 1/4 sz smaller then his wedding ring. It’s comfortable and you it’s loose enough to spin it around on his finger, but difficult for him to get over his knuckle. He’s forgotten all about removing it to wash his hands. It’s a plain gold band, so a little soap and water won’t do anything to it, and as long as it’s comfortable for him, that’s fine.
In the past 6 months we weaned her down to 3.
Yesterday every time she got up, she would grab 3 cans. - She drank at least 8 cans, that I know of, 40 oz water, + her electrolytes.
So, Hubby and I are going to buy caffeine free from now on and only put 3 in the refrigerator at a time.
Im researching Sundowners and going to try to implement as many of their suggestions as possible.
Thank you for all responses. I didn't even know what Sundowners was. I thought it was because shes been cooped up all day (it's over 100 degrees outside).
And yes, a part of it is attention seeking behavior. Just not like I thought it was.
The endless loops, the same challenges to understand just where on earth some items can be. The inability to settle down.
Although it’s hugely maddening, she can’t “plan”, as you or I might.
Excusing everything isn’t all that sensible, getting too angry is not much better.
With my mom (stage 6 dementia) every evening it was "someone has stolen my money!!! or "you stole my money" This money she's referring to is a sock with money in it that she constantly hides in different places and then forgets where she hid it. I used to exhaust myself to tears trying to convince her that her money wasn't stolen and that she has just forgotten where the new hiding place is, until I became more educated about dementia. One day, I found the sock with the money and kept it just so I would know where it is. After a few evenings of the "my money is stolen" tantrums, and me not responding at all, she has finally forgotten about it! But there is always something else missing or stolen with her. Those "episodes" will go on for about an hour, then she pouts silently for a while, then she goes to bed, The next day, she doesn't remember anything about the previous evening!
Dementia is horrible! That in addition to the fact that my mom and I didn't have the best relationship before dementia is even more challenging! They are no longer in reality but their own reality that often seems like attention-seeking and manipulation, but their brain is dying, section by section.
I find after 25 years of experience in elder caregiving that the planned attention-seeking performance behaviors look very different than the ones you get when it's dementia attention-seeking.
With the first it's usually a form of instigating. There are two kinds.
1) The kind that's intended to get a fight started and everyone involved is angry and upset (negative attention)
2) The kind that's intended to create a high-anxiety crisis and get everyone upset but not angry and fighting (positive attention)
The desired outcome is the elder becomes the center of attention for a while.
My mother pulls both kinds. She does not have dementia. Type 2 is her go to every evening after dinner time. Both kinds get ignored and then both kinds stop.
Start taking her ring off an hour or so before dinner and put it in box before it's time for her to start working herself up. Then when she starts, show it to her but don't pay any more attention about it. Don't answer the same question over and over again. It doesn't help.
She will try to start up over something else. Ignore it. The same way that the child can't be the focus of everyone attention every second of the day.
Elders sometimes have to be treated like children. Like when it's bedtime for example. That's not attention time and they have to learn to be alone. The only way that can happen is if they are ignored. It's for their own good. Make sure it's safe and they can't get into trouble. but ignore them.
Don't give your LO's attention-seeking and drama behavior any attention because what it will graduate to is a 'shadowing' habit. This is when an elderly person has to have someone by their side 24-hours a day. They will follow into the bathroom with you. You will have to sleep in their room.
Learn how to ignore with love because this is what's best for everyone including your LO.
Saw this work for a lady... Son bought her a collection of purses, due to the original purse always being put in a 'safe place' (ie lost in her room) causing much upset.
'Lost items' is a common issue I believe. Your Mom knows her ring is special, that she needs to find it so the panic & upset would be real for her I guess.
But hopefully having a regular wind-down routine + known ways to soothe her at this sundowner time will help.
A solution could be what Grandma1954 suggested, or you could put her ring on a necklace as long as she's not able to unclasp it or pull it over her head to remove it.
My MIL is in LTC and was obsessing over her engagement ring. I took it telling her I would clean it. I just keep it at home since theft is also always a possibility. She has short term memory impairment, so she's never asked about the whereabouts of the ring. It makes me sad to take it from her but she has plenty of other personal mementos in her her room.
The mind does not work in advance like that. That is why they can not live alone, drive a car for example. There is no "cause and effect" particularly for a long range goal.
The ring, if she values it was put someplace for "safekeeping" the problem is she forgot where she put it. The same thing would happen to glasses, keys, purse.
If she constantly takes the ring off maybe putting it on a necklace would be a better option. Or if it is of value maybe "loose" it on purpose and place it in a safe deposit box or a safe at home. Tell her it was taken to the jewelry store to be cleaned or repaired. Yes she will obsess over it for a while but may "forget" after a while. Or if another ring could be given to her in it's place.