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My mom is 85 with avascular necrosis (her hip is deteriorating) of her right hip and knee. Her mobility has severely decreased, she is now using the bedside commode, unable to go up / down stairs anymore. It is hard watching her in constant pain, her bones move out of places all the time. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to that understands.

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Reading, baking, yoga, walk with a friend, long hot shower.

I hope your mom is getting good pain control. Hang in there.
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I drink wine!
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I watch YouTube videos on topics that interest me...baking, household tips, etc...
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I talk to my friends, listen to music, play video games, watch TV shows and movies & start planning my eventual escape from this awful situation I have found myself in for 2 years!
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I Have had a social worker that helped - she retired . I did go to a community acupuncture clinic 1 - 2 times a week - They closed . Once in a while I get a massage . In summer I ride My Bike to the beach and swim and cook healthy meals . In winter I watch Netflix or Movies on Amazon prime . Once in a while I go out to eat and people watch . I garden and Have Plants . I agree Its very Hard and stressful to watch a Loved one deteriorate . Just enjoy the time you have left . I Find beauty in watching The orchids Bloom - Little things . Maybe find a support group - I was in One for Over a year . Have you contacted Hospice they maybe able to Provide some social services for you . I Hope you find some support this is a lonely road . Having a real person to talk to face to face is very comforting .
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Talking is important. My friends are lovely, but it helps me to have someone OUTSIDE of the whole situation. I go to a counselor every few weeks and just vent. I tell stories that I would never burden my friends with and share feelings I'd feel too guilty to say out loud to anyone in my family.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well.
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Going for a walk outside.
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All the above are great suggestions. And they place the responsibility on you for dealing with your understandable angst One helpful reality that came to me when stressed over a chronic problem:
The bad news: the situation causing stress is largely out of your control. Things like inquiring about better pain control is an excellent.
The good news: it’s possible to relieve your pain by refocusing on activities you enjoy. This forum helps a lot by offering a place to “talk.”
Wishing you the very best.
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I play a musical instrument at a fairly high level, but there are MANY levels of playing and MANY types of instrument that can supply amazing stress relief and relaxation during time “off the clock”.

My time in wind ensemble, my highest level music group, and also while practicing by myself, requires my highest level of concentration, so for me that time functions like meditation.

Don’t waste any time if you’ve been telling yourself that you’re “too old”. I started my instrument FROM SCRATCH at age 75, and I haven’t stopped since.

Hope you will all ”FIND your BLISS!”
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bundleofjoy Nov 2022
you're amazing!
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I like being outdoors and I find even just taking the dogs to the dog park, or going for a walk by the river, helps me decompress. I sometimes will just walk for ages listening to a podcast — it's a habit I picked up during the worst of the pandemic, where I was walking five miles some days!
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My big treat reward for me is to go to McDonald order a small coffee and an ice cream cone then I take my time slowly consuming both in a booth.. if it's a really good day there will be some kids I can watch.. who talk their parents in to getting them a cone like I eating.
people watching, eating my cone, drinking my coffee has always been a reset for me for the longest time.
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ACaringDaughter Nov 2022
Best advice ever.

im taking a screenshot of this!
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Look online for caregiver support groups. Many have online mtgs if you can’t find one in your area.
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I have, on occasion, crossed paths with people who *have* done this, and *do* get it, and their true empathy has really been heartwarming. It's my experience, that having done it themselves is the definative factor, on whether someone 'gets' what you are going through - or not.
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bundleofjoy Nov 2022
yes!!!
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Lots of us understand.

These are all great suggestions.

Take some time for yourself.

The gym invigorates me. After a gentle workout I enjoy the warmth of the sauna. It clears my mind.

Make a list of everything that makes you happy. For me that would include watching a sunset, antiquing, a bubble bath, etc. put each idea on a small piece of paper. Make sure each is easily possible with the resources you have available. (Read about Paris instead of Fly to Paris is “do-able” for me). Deposit them in a fishbowl. Add another from time to time.

When you are having a bad day, treat yourself to whatever you pick from the fishbowl.

Thinking of you.
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bundleofjoy Nov 2022
“When you are having a bad day, treat yourself to whatever you pick from the fishbowl.”

unfortunately, i treat myself way too often. i’ll have to set up a mouse-trap, against myself, on the fishbowl.

will now go and set up the mouse-trap.
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I’m going for a walk this morning after a big ‘mom day’ yesterday. Putting off other things for this walk but I feel it needs to happen.

Specifically I like walking to dog parks and watching them play, they exude pure joy . My dog is too arthritic now for racing around , but I love watching the others running with sticks & balls, jumping in puddles, etc…

Im finding the simple pleasures are best!
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... So true: "The admonition to walk a mile in someone else's shoes means before judging someone, you must understand [her] his experiences, challenges, thought processes, etc. The full idiom is: Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. In effect, it is a reminder to practice empathy."

That's what we are here for ! The reality is (from my point of view) that if we have expectations of another's ability to feel empathy for another/get out of their self / to be present for and with us, we may be disappointed.

You have a huge responsibility and it is very heartbreaking to see a mother or any loved one suffering and declining as you are doing now. Or any living being - a bird that fell out of its nest, wildlife killed for monetary reasons ...

Do you have a church close by? or a spiritual center (Buddhist or other), Next Door?

Through all this, you need to find (some small) ways to take care of yourself - your heart and soul. Going for a walk, (for me) looking at a tree(s)/being in nature, go to a movie or watch a Net Flicks.

Sometimes, we just need to be willing to shift - even a little - to view the world and give some kindness / loving energy to our sad heart. It isn't easy facing the 'letting go' process when we love someone.

If I were you, I would hold your mom's hand / gently massage her - touch her with loving kindness. This is what I do w/my friend (89) of 20+ years who is in a nursing home and bedridden. Touch him. Get the oxytocin moving - the 'feel good' hormone. Touch is so important.

Now. I need to go for a walk myself. Loving someone ailing is heartbreaking. Being present with another means being present with our self - loving our self and renewing our energy any way we can.

Gena
Touch Matters
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The Transcendental Meditation technique is very helpful for self-renewal and bringing inner peace. tm.org
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ConnieCaretaker Nov 2022
Mindfulness Meditation is a lot cheaper and not part of a cult.

Please do an Internet search on TM cult

(copy and paste)

https://freedomofmind.com/meditation-yes-but-please-be-careful-and-do-your-homework-regarding-transcendental-meditation-tm/
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Wishing for someone to talk to? Well, it appears that you have a wonderful opportunity right in your town, with support programs: University of Change!
(copy and paste)

https://thememorycenter.uchicago.edu/
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My sanity is in doing art prompts with my art group (we text each other the results and offer kind comments!). Also I do miniature dioramas, read and take walks.
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IamShe4Her: You have come to the right place, the Aging Care forum; you stated that "sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to that understands." Here at the forum we are a large group of individuals in past and active caregiving with sage advice and experience. Personally, I lived out of state to care for my mother in her home for an extended period. That doesn't mean that I did nothing for myself. Ever so seldom, I occasionally read a book while my mother went to bed. It is imperative to take care of yourself. The old adage 'put your oxygen mask on first before placing one on someone else' applies.
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Sorry about that. I usually do massage them softly it helps them relax.
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TouchMatters Nov 2022
Writer asked how SHE relaxes. Not her loved one !
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