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upset elder, would you like to share a bit more about your situation? Some of us might have idea on how to deal with heavy handed daughter. As you have been told you are within your right to refuse anything daughter wants to do and if she makes you do it that can be seen as elder abuse. The other thing is that once you have given someone POA you can take it away again and appoint someone else. Seen from both angles what may seem to the elder to be heavy handed may appear to the daughter to be actions taken to ensure the elders comfort and safety. Now the main thing I would be concerned about and always am is the daughter's control of my money especially if there is a significant sum involved. So often relatives misuse the elders money for their own gain. Now it is veryfair for a caregiver to be compensated for things they purchase for the elders use and even have them pay a share of household expenses but they must not use it for their own pleasure. You are clearly capable of using a computer and posting on this forum so your view of your mental faculties is probably correct. Please stay with us this is a great place for support and information, everyone has their own story and people really care about each others welfare. I too am an elder and have just been downsized by my daughter. I was certainly ready to do it and she has provided a beautiful home for us to live in and all the support we need but it was still hard to agree to getting rid of "my" stuff and some things decisions were made about things I probably would not or should not use again but were still nice to keep "just in case" it was a case of "Mum does not need 3 of X" In the end I feel truly blessed that I have such a generous and caring daughter. I hope you can make peace with your daughter's decisions if on reflection you can see why she is making certain decisions and what other things she has going on in her life.
Upset, first, did you execute a DPOA, or a POA contingent on declaration of incompetency or other physical situation that would prevent you from making decisions? (I.e., I made decisions as proxy when my father was intubated and induced into a coma b/c of a multitude of co-morbidities that had compromised his ability to breathe).
I think your daughter could be very sincere but not really cognizant of how to manage the authority GRANTED to her, but she can't just take over and plan your life for you.
You might need to have a serious come to reality talk with her, very quickly, and make it clear that she can only do what you authorize her to do.
Obviously she seems to have her own interpretation of her authority.
This is for countrymouse, is this reallyreal, and Veronica: I just want to thank all 3 of you for responding to my "upset elder" note. This is a very good forum, I believe, and should be a wonderful for senior seniors. I discovered the site by accident yesterday, but maybe a little angel gave me a small push in this direction. Wonderful! Wonderful! Upset Elder
Have you ever been told that you have "lost mental capacity" or are "no longer competent to make decisions"? As you say you have good mental faculties I assume not; and in that case the person with POA cannot override *your* decisions, is the point. The decisions are yours to make.
What kind of decision is causing trouble, if you don't mind my asking?
Upset, I'm sure with the best of intentions but perhaps your daughter is just jumping the gun a little.
So she made hotel reservations that you were perfectly capable of managing? But the upshot is, the reservations got made - no problem there. When you look at it, this is no more annoying than, say, somebody completing a sentence for you. I.e. it IS annoying! - but it wasn't meant to be.
The "coming over to pay bills" thing. I can quite see why you might be thinking 'oh-oh' but you can turn this to your advantage. It will be the IDEAL opportunity to set daughter on the right track for now and the future.
I am guessing that your doctor let slip the "D word", did he? What your daughter needs to understand, and take very seriously, is that a person's faculties do not have an on-off switch. For most things, for the foreseeable future, you will be fine but you will appreciate her support and advice. As time goes on, it will be helpful if she takes on more of the admin as you begin to find it a headache. But what you aren't happy with is her swooping in and taking over - this needs to be a gradual, proportionate process, not a coup d'état.
So, using your most tactful voice, lavish praise and appreciation on daughter when she comes over but also draw those lines. Very blackly.
I know it may cost money, but sitting down with your attorney with your daughter present can be very helpful. My parents and I sat down together with their attorney so that I could learn what I (the DPOA) might be responsible for once my parents were "incapacitated." Also, I wasn't the onr to determine when either parent reached that point. My mom had 2 doctors state this in writing, and at that time, my dad requested that I take on the role of her medical power of attorney. Her medical needs became heavy, and Dad didn't like making all the appointments, trying to wade through the medical tests, etc.
The earlier meeting with the lawyer, sharing copies of the legal documents with me (to show me my responsibilities), and my keeping connected with my parents and their attorney went a long way in guiding me and the decisions that eventually had to be made.
I had great parents who raeared me to be compassionate and wise as I made decisions. I am honored that they chose me out of their five children for what became an extremely difficult task.
A POA doesn't take away your power. Your life should continue as normal after a POA has been legally named. A POA should be in place when you can no longer manage on your own and your designated agent (via the POA) can step in legally and assist. You have ever right to hold your ground, speak your truth, and continue living in the way you always have prior to the signing of a POA. Just a side note, I thought my mother was able to take care of things at her house. She would tell me that she did this and that -- paid bills, contacted this service or that person, etc. She managed her dementia well, but not her life tasks. When she finally went to a care facility and I stepped in to take care of the finances, her HO insurance had lapsed, her taxes were 30 days overdue, she had notices that her utilities were going to be stopped...! She was incapable of doing the tasks, but she could certainly talk about how she did the tasks, so I would not be concerned. Upsetelder you seem very sound and rational. My only advice would be to allow loved ones into your world (as needed) and be honest about your capabilities. There's nothing wrong with saying "I need some help figuring our my home owner's insurance/taxes/paying bills..." it will take the mental pressure off of you so you can feel more secure about knowing these important things are taken care of.
Upset, can you say more about what you mean when you say " my doctor opened his trap in her presence"? Did your doctor say that you shouldn't be handling your own finances, or words to that effect?
I agree that some parents insist they're fully capable when they're simply not. My mom "would remember" to take her meds, only she didn't. She'd remember the upcoming TV show in an hour, only she couldn't. In her mind, she could do many things that in reality she couldn't do. It's impossible to know the situation of the original poster and I hope her daughter is only looking out for her best interests, which is what I was doing when my mom would fight me every step of the way. The constant resistance is tiring.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
As you have been told you are within your right to refuse anything daughter wants to do and if she makes you do it that can be seen as elder abuse.
The other thing is that once you have given someone POA you can take it away again and appoint someone else.
Seen from both angles what may seem to the elder to be heavy handed may appear to the daughter to be actions taken to ensure the elders comfort and safety.
Now the main thing I would be concerned about and always am is the daughter's control of my money especially if there is a significant sum involved. So often relatives misuse the elders money for their own gain. Now it is veryfair for a caregiver to be compensated for things they purchase for the elders use and even have them pay a share of household expenses but they must not use it for their own pleasure.
You are clearly capable of using a computer and posting on this forum so your view of your mental faculties is probably correct.
Please stay with us this is a great place for support and information, everyone has their own story and people really care about each others welfare.
I too am an elder and have just been downsized by my daughter. I was certainly ready to do it and she has provided a beautiful home for us to live in and all the support we need but it was still hard to agree to getting rid of "my" stuff and some things decisions were made about things I probably would not or should not use again but were still nice to keep "just in case" it was a case of "Mum does not need 3 of X" In the end I feel truly blessed that I have such a generous and caring daughter.
I hope you can make peace with your daughter's decisions if on reflection you can see why she is making certain decisions and what other things she has going on in her life.
POAs are not intended to take away anyone's rights. It is about your wishes being honored when you can not articulate those wishes.
I think your daughter could be very sincere but not really cognizant of how to manage the authority GRANTED to her, but she can't just take over and plan your life for you.
You might need to have a serious come to reality talk with her, very quickly, and make it clear that she can only do what you authorize her to do.
Obviously she seems to have her own interpretation of her authority.
Upset Elder
Have you ever been told that you have "lost mental capacity" or are "no longer competent to make decisions"? As you say you have good mental faculties I assume not; and in that case the person with POA cannot override *your* decisions, is the point. The decisions are yours to make.
What kind of decision is causing trouble, if you don't mind my asking?
So she made hotel reservations that you were perfectly capable of managing? But the upshot is, the reservations got made - no problem there. When you look at it, this is no more annoying than, say, somebody completing a sentence for you. I.e. it IS annoying! - but it wasn't meant to be.
The "coming over to pay bills" thing. I can quite see why you might be thinking 'oh-oh' but you can turn this to your advantage. It will be the IDEAL opportunity to set daughter on the right track for now and the future.
I am guessing that your doctor let slip the "D word", did he? What your daughter needs to understand, and take very seriously, is that a person's faculties do not have an on-off switch. For most things, for the foreseeable future, you will be fine but you will appreciate her support and advice. As time goes on, it will be helpful if she takes on more of the admin as you begin to find it a headache. But what you aren't happy with is her swooping in and taking over - this needs to be a gradual, proportionate process, not a coup d'état.
So, using your most tactful voice, lavish praise and appreciation on daughter when she comes over but also draw those lines. Very blackly.
The earlier meeting with the lawyer, sharing copies of the legal documents with me (to show me my responsibilities), and my keeping connected with my parents and their attorney went a long way in guiding me and the decisions that eventually had to be made.
I had great parents who raeared me to be compassionate and wise as I made decisions. I am honored that they chose me out of their five children for what became an extremely difficult task.
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