Follow
Share

I am only child now, Had to have knee replaced 3/14/16. Husband doesnot see what Im dealing with Mom fell 12/24/15 broke her hip. She had emergency surgery that night. Then she was placed in rehab afterwards. I was mopping her floor after working 3 nights & I heard a snap in my knee. I went to ER & found out I had to have my knee replaced. Scheduled date was March 14, 2016. I was using a cane and knee brace to hobble around until surgery. Mom came home for a few days & I was the one to be her caregiver along with this bad knee and all. Mom was home for 5 days when I had her rushed to Emergency room as her vitals were very low. She was then rushed to another hospital 54 miles away for emergency kidney treatment. The hospital did a CT scan & called for a family meeting. My brother has passed on & his boys came down to see mom while in hospital and be there for this meeting. We were told she had stage 4 brain bone cancer & did not have long to live. I got a hospital bed & got her home cleaned up.. She went to another rehab for awhile before coming to her home. I went over her medical records & her lab results looked like her numbers were consistent. So, I called her personal doctor. He checked into this matter and he found no such thing in her brain let alone cancer anywhere else. I was very thankful she did not have this cancer in her, but also very upset with this hospitals diagnosis. Can I personally do anything about this? What is the legal steps to proceed on a matter like this? After DC from rehab mom came home 2/12/16. then went back in hospital on 2/15 for pneumonia at our local hospital. She returned on 2/19/16. My nephew was there to help. But he refused to follow any kind of caregiving daily tasks like keep track of her vitals her intake & output . He told me if I wanted it done I better be here every day to do it, Then the Friday before my knee surgery my nephew takes off for a camping disc golf trip. Well, needless to say he was not back the morning of my surgery, 3/14/16. In fact he did not return in my moms car until that Thursday. Meaning my mom was left alone from Monday to Thursday. My husband did go check on her daily for a hour, I was unable to help out at all. I had my knee to get the pain under control and keep off of it for a few weeks. Well, my nephew had all kinds of excuses. He continued to help himself to my moms food, he was there in the mornings for about half a hour then he split in her car to go play disc golf. Returning in the evening expecting my mom to have dinner ready??? Then he would invite people over so he could do tattoos on them for a price. So, there was my poor mom basically ignored. I was furious. Then my mom was going to her money stash to get money for my nephew to go grocery shopping for her. Well, it looked like he had found it already as it was all gone. My mom never questioned him about it as I told her he told me that he saw where her stash was and left it at that. I told mom if he's questioned he will only accuse me of knowing since he cleverly told me about it. I started to try to hobble over to help my mom out since my nephew was never there. When mom asked him to help her with something he replied that he did not sign up for this??? Who ever signs up for things like this. As family were suppose to be there for those in need. Well, nephew finally was sent home by bus. Meaning more stress was on me again as between my rehab physical therapy appointments 3 times a week, my home exercises & keeping ice going in the machine to keep on my knee to prevent swelling & pain in knee & caring for mom. So when my husband was not in San Francisco working 3 days a week he was home & he had to fend for him self. As I was staying at moms because it was a little easier on my knee, etc. That ended up causing problems now in my marriage. Husband could not figure out why I could not find time to be home to cook & grocery shop & clean the house like I use to...plus he had issues in the sexual department. I tried to explain over & over to him. Things got worse I moved into moms in June. Things are still a stressed out mess. Husband is trying but he continues to blame me for every little ting he can think of. I can never do anything right. Mom is not doing what the DR. asks her to do, poor diet, not exercising & she has wounds on legs. I returned to work in August, 3nites/12 hr shifts. Mom quit driving. So, I get off work & get mom & go to Drs. 2 x a week & home after so i can sleep 5 hours. When off I sleep & take mom shopping & maybe see husband. He says I'm being more considerate to his feelings. But my priorities are not focused on him. Were separated. Mom is my priority. I have no life. I have no closet so I use spot in moms & coat closet. Mom wastes space. I consolidated things& made room for my stuff. I am told not to hang up my things.I need to feel like I belong. I've been so stressed & work is my positive outlet. Mom sent Birthday card to everyone but she forgot mine. That hurt being all I've done. I need advice please.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

20 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Jesseenelson Your post about your love of your wife is so touching. I was told when I went through a rough illness that most husbands leave when the going gets rough. I pray you and your wife have some easier times ahead of you. Take care and kiss that precious wife of yours.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Take two consecutive days off, stay home, rest.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My sweet wife had a light stroke in 2008 and has been going down hill healthwise ever since. She has been having home health come out 4 hours a day, walking with a walker then she got very sick with lung congestion and had to go to hospital and I almost lost her but she pulled through it and checked in a nursing home for rehab and has fallen several time out of her wheel chair. She had to go to E.R. Now she a fall risk. I am with her every day at nursing home to help her eat her meals, help with dental hygiene, massage her feet, legs, hands and fingers with body lotion and massage her head, scalp on selected areas for reflexology benefits. I think it is helping her. I read the Bible to her almost every day because her eyes has gotten so bad she can't read. We sing together many times for improving her memory. I take her out of nursing home when I can when the weather is good and take her out to eat at her favorite restaurants. Question: how can I convince the administrator and D.O.N. to put her back into her geriatric chair, get her a helmet that fits right, get her a belt that had velcro that she can pull loose so she is not considered to be restrained, get therapy to get her hand and finger splints to help her hands and fingers open so she can use them to feed herself. She was walking down the hall with assistance with a walker but rehab therapy seems like they are not working with her as much as they used to. She is getting weaker in her legs. I had to put her in nursing home for rehab in 2014 and thought that would be temporary then I could take her home with me where she belongs. I love her very much and I pray for her every day to get better! I tell her I want to keep her for a million years then we will go for the long hall.....Forever! Psalm 37:10,11,18,29 on a paradise earth Jehovah has promised. Revelation 21:3,4
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
The best place to look for advice is the Bible on all issues! Connect to www.jw.org for Spiritual advice on how to deal with stress of any kind. Look to the Bible's guidance. Right now it is a source of comfort and that will relieve some stress and give you hope for the future ......Read Psalms 37:9,10,11,18,29,34; Titus 1:2; Isaiah 55:11; Isaiah 65:17-25; Isaiah 33:24 says, "No resident will say, 'I am sick'"
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Please listen to this advice people are giving. I know it seems impossible but you need to take care of yourself and right now you are so overwhelmed. I suggest you call the local community agency for aging. First Get one thing to relive the pressure and get mom used to other people in her house. Perhaps a housecleaning service. Your mother might qualify for that at low or no cost. Call her dr and see if he will/can prescibe some home health. It might not happen. Because my mother needed monthly b12 shots, she had a monthly nurse visit and weekly shower aide. eventually we got paid help a couple hours daily and meals on wheels. Finally she is in Assisted Living. She will resist and insist. My mother did that too until she nearly killed me. She cannot live her life unchanged at your expense. You may find that if you ask your husband will help you make a plan to shift some of this he will be willing to help. Probably not to provide care but to help you plan and explore options. His marriage is suffering.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
...hi one more time valentine, if I can say two more things I didn't put in the first ... about the nephew yeah he' acted like a turd, but he's a nephew and to be real with you, he wouldn't be seen as a go-to person .. nephews and nieces are pretty much just too far removed and not emotionally invested usually. Then your mom forgetting your birthday... I kind of figured out from how my own mom thinks… When I'm the one that is doing everything for her, in her mind I have kind of become an extension of her so she doesn't see me as a separate individual anymore or even her daughter she just sees me as Robyn, The person who's there. Like you, I don't get any thanks I don't get any birthday cards, wishes,presents, etc. I don't receive any sacrifice consideration, I Do get the occasional dementia related happy "Mother's Day" when it's actually Christmas or something, but other than that yeah they just lose track of the fact we are separate and worthy of the distinction, they just expect everything we do for them to continue and to be pre thought of and done like I said as if we are an extension of themselves... that's something I've seen as a definite result of being the "only active one around them for sure. One thing I had to do almost immediately was I had to drop my expectations completely down regarding her, to almost nil, and she has no clue,( just made it easier for me.) ... last thing and I know it's a third thing even though I said only two…and with your husband, guys are pretty resilient, and tend to have short term memory ;) I bet he will get back to normal, but probably only when you do.. I'm sure he knows you pretty good and he might just be waiting for you to "make that list and get your mom off the pressure point of "your" own life. ...if you know what I mean
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
.... Hi valentine55... first of all, I feel your saturation. It's heavy, thick, strangling and it's coming in from all sides. I'm hesitant to offer advice, because, you realistically need someone to from the out side to convince you to, like some on here have said, to make yourself first in line of a very long line. And you need that person to help you align the immediate issues. Doing that is pfobably going to be your saving grace. Think hard, who do you know who can help you do this... and I'm not talking helping you care for your mom or husband or yourself.. I'm talking a person you trust that can sit down with you and take pen to paper and create the list you'll need to follow... because right now your "list in your mind is spinning 24/7 and your wheels are just as fast yet you're one person, the only child, the only wife...the only, you. I wanted to say about the misdiagnosis, and trust me I hate the irresponsible medical industry, but unless your mother started receiving treatment for brain cancer I'm guessing an attorney will see it as a high risk low outcome case and won't be interested. But if she had taken any meds or started any treatment for the misdiagnosis, then yes you have a malpractice suit. Back to you, you know how others on here are telling you to make yourself first, it's because unless the motor of an engine is cared for the car goes no where. It's the same thing when there's one person placed in the position as being the "hub, the control center" and when that one person goes down, the entire situation crumbles or emplodes. I kinda want you to remember something, your mom is hr own person regarding her status i society so she will definitely have options for care and options for help thru her insurance provider (Medicare Medicare etc) if you think of her as her own individual. You will need to make the calls and arrange her care or place her in an assisted living (unless she has income and can afford to pay for her own in-home care, let's say for 5 days a week) .. you can hire them, still be in control of those things, but the pressure starts to release off you.... and it's my guess you're entire life, you, your personal life and your husbands life probably won't settle back into usual life until you get your moms deal settled and you take that, or at least reduce that from your worries. I know it's hard and you feel so alone and saturated because you are right now, but try to think of one person you can call to help you get your list created and get your moms care under control then you can get you back to being under control,,, I wish you can get to some organized calmness. and very soon.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Wow. I am exhausted reading your post!
So sorry for the mess...truly, it never rains but it pours!
You need to place mom, as hard as that seems, or find her 24/7 in home care. She sounds like a demanding, difficult person, to boot. Doesn't she see how hard things are for you right now??
First, you have to take care of yourself!! Move back home and work on things with hubby--I have a husband that sounds just like yours. He really doesn't "get" how hard running a home is!! Throw caregiving for someone else in that, and he falls apart with anger. We have been on the verge of splitting many times, when I have to put someone (besides him!) in first place.
I wouldn't pursue the hospital's wrong dx...that would just add more stress.
Start talking to mom and letting her know you can't continue the level of care you are providing. Period. She will have to adapt. That sounds harsh, but I am continually amazed at the entitled attitude some of our elders have about who owes them what....she needs care waaaay beyond what a tattoo artist/con man can provide, and also beyond what you can provide. YOU won't heal if you keep this up.
Please self-preserve!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
The short suggestions are: (1) get a therapist or ask social worker to support you. (2) Excellent on-line resources: (1) Rick Hanson, PhD and (2) Greater Good. You can sign up for both and receive supportive emails on a regular basis. Gr Good has LOTS of resources and ways to de-stress.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My heart goes out to you. It's so typical for daughters to fall into this role. I also take care of my elderly 95 yr old mom with Alzheimer's. She has a room in our house. My brothers live in state but never offer respite.even when asked they both have excuses. We cannot rely on family members. I've learned this through the years. So, if your mom has enough income hire a caregiver for as many hours a week as she can afford, or stagger the care if she just needs morning and night care. They will shower her, toilet her, take her places, etc. My mom makes slightly too much money for in home health services so we pay privately, which limits her caregiving hrs from 9-3 M-F. All other times I am the one who stays home Bc she can not be left alone. I hire a mom sitter for $10 an hr when my husband and I go out. I have one good friend who is there for me. Caregiving is a lonely, challenging enterprise. I attained a lot of valuable info on what services my county offered by going to the health and human services office. The county you live in administers MEDICARE services. Your mom may qualify for caregivers at no cost. Please check this out bc even tho I only have limited caregiving, it saved my sanity. Please try not to guilt trip yourself. Depending on your cultural background there may be many expectations for you to do it all, not to mention your mothers expectations of you. I wouldn't refer to what you're doing as wearing a hero cape, instead it's the result of a limited elder care system and gender role expectations many women are subject to. It's hard to change. I know. First get some relief with caregivers and then devise a plan. You may want to talk to a social worker who can guide you. I found one at our Adult Day Health Care facility. If they meet the criteria, elders can go to such facilities M-F from 9-5. Best of luck. I feel your pain and anger. You may also be depressed. Please look into caregiving help. Take at least this first step. Blessings.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
In addition to heeding all the good advice given here, start learning everything you can about your local hospice provider/s. That way, when you're mother's condition deteriorates, you will be prepared to help her transition to hospice. I was surprised that my husband's primary care provider suggested hospice much earlier in my husband's multiple illnesses than I would have expected.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Set boundaries with mom and put you and your marriage first. If you don't, serious damage may come to your marriage and it will be just you and mom....and then when mom passes -- you may have many hurts, regrets and anger thinking back on all you gave up for mom where setting some boundaries that benefit both you and mom shoulda/coulda been in place.

1. Talk with your local senior agency or director a local senior center and explore your options by going over needs for mom, etc.
2. Take action. set up home in-home care/assistance and/or services to look after mom's needs. Offer to manage finances/banking and tell her you will come over to visit Tue/Thur/Sun and take her out to dinner; or bring her over dinners/meals that she can make in-between.
3. Stop being the housekeeper, chaffeur, nurse. Start being daughter and just spend quality time visiting -- sitting together and sharing a meal, TV show, puzzle or outing together. Stop wearing yourself out with day to day chores that can be hired out.
4. Discuss plan with hubby and tell him how much you appreciate his love and support. Ask him to help keep you accountable for above and not be guilted into being a slave to mom.
5. Stop blaming others (doctors, nephew) -- yep, doctors make bad diagnosis -- but you have the right to a second opinion. Forget legal action but if it makes you feel better, send them the report from primary care dr and how well mom is doing and you are dissappointed by their mis-diagnosis. As for nephew, he is obviously unreliable and his perspective was probably "she's not that bad and can manage so I can go ahead on my trip". It just wasn't up to your standards.
6. Learn to let go and accept help for mom. Our LOs will let us do whatever we want without thanks or thoughts how it affects us and our own families -- because we offer and allow it to happen. We feel guilty not meeting their every need -- yes, they don't want outside help. Why should they, if they can get family to carry the burden for free and bully us to do whatever they want? -- sounds cynical; but elders just are paranoid about "strangers in their house". Tough, when you are old and need help, you have to accept help if you choose to remain in your home.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
continued. Opps. The site closed. You have been given good advice. I need to take some of it. However, Assisted living or a facility is not the cure all. I go there every day 7 days a week for 12 hours a day.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Bless your heart! I hope you heed the above comments. You are draining yourself and who will be there for you? I cannot add much to the previous comments but I will say that your husband is needing you. He may be second after yourself but he needs to know he is not being pushed out for your mother. I could not take care of my mom without my husband's help so I make sure I take care of his needs first. Whether it is going to get coffee so we can talk privately or making personal time with each other ... that is top on my list. Our marriage agreement did not have my mother in it. My mother (and yours) made choices in her life that now effects me. Now the choices I make effects her. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself so I can take care of my husband and my mother. In that order. Keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I wish Assisted Living/Personnel Care was the vehicle that would have provided good care for my Mother. Mom was in Independent Living. She asked me to come home from Colorado as she wasn't managing and was afraid she would loose her independent and have to go to Personal Care. I experienced the love and closeness with my Mother that I always yearned for. I have a home nearby her facility. It morphed into my staying with her 24 x 7 and bringing my kitty who is a great therapy cat although never trained for that. The facility believed that I was not making Mother available to them when Mother's PCP stopped their "Care " pograms. Awful things have happened to her. The director bragged in earshot of me while staring at me that she was going to court that day but was not afraid as the courts were stacked in her favor. That might be so as I run into brick walls. I have run into a few situations where a Dr. spoke up and just recently a Glaucoma Dr. is backing me up that an intervention is necessary in administration of Mother's Glaucoma eye drops.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
valentine, you're generous but not to yourself. It's so good you posted, and I hope you will continue to do so. You asked who to call about the misdiagnosis; for that and other things, I'd go to your county's agency on aging immediately, ask them to walk you through what they offer. There are services to help guide you. The doctor and/or hospital needs to know she is beyond family care - she may love the extra attention and sense of safety, give it a chance. Good luck, bless you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Ok...here I go again! You need to make yourself number one or you will end up with stress related illness. Set boundaries dear girl! What can you do that is reasonable, what can mom do, and where does she need to go from here? I never once saw that Home Health or private care was hired for mom while you were rehabbing after knee surgery. That's what Medicare is there for even if you weren't rehabbing. You need to take a step back and see how you've taken on much more than you should have and in the end have become a stressed out mess.
When my dad fell, got fluid around his lung, got pneumonia etc. and was in Independent living, the HH nurse there said as she was showing me how to give the breathing treatments, said "if he was in assisted living, this would all be done for him there. You need to consider that. It was my own doctor who told me when I was a emotional mess, that it was time for him to be in AL. I'm not saying your mom needs AL, but now is the time for her, with your guidance and perhaps her doctor's help, to determine her next step. You deserve a life! But do not make your mom feel she can depend only on you...as sometimes we caregivers want to wear that "hero cape" as another person here said. NO! Take it OFF and do what is realistic. You must get balance in your life in all aspects because right now it has spiraled out of control. We are here...please let us know what happens. It can get better!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Get mom to assisted living so you can properly recover your strength and your marriage. Put away your hero cape. Re-center your thoughts so you can be healthy instead of worn out. Make hubby the number one in your life.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
You don't say how old your mother is, or what her mental state is. But if she is mentally well, and it sounds like it, then it is for her to decide how and where she wants to live and what support she needs to be able to do that.

What has happened, instead, is that you have taken over responsibility for her welfare even though - with a demanding job, a husband and recently your own health difficulties - you're not able to provide for it. It isn't your job to take care of your mother. It isn't your nephew's job, either. It's your *mother's* job to make sensible, responsible decisions for herself.

After a year of this - excuse me - sh*tstorm I am not surprised and I do not blame you for feeling sore, angry, unappreciated, heartbroken and despairing. I feel heartbroken for you, and the birthday slap in the face was particularly harsh.

But get some perspective - and I agree with BB that speaking to a counsellor or therapist would be a big help with this.

E.g. The fact that you were mopping up after your mother when your knee went - ouch - does not make it your mother's fault. It just feels a lot like it!

The fact that your nephew looks to you like a scheming, conniving, grasping little so-and-so... well, he's gone now. Good. But don't also continue to blame him for being no help.

Your husband... well, I feel for you that you felt under pressure with the "hey little girl change your clothes fix your makeup" shtick; because let's be honest a really bad knee and unbelievable stress are not exactly great for the libido. But, on the other hand, he did put in a reasonable effort back there, no? Your marriage must be under terrible stress because the whole family is, but it doesn't sound irretrievable and he doesn't sound like a selfish monster.

You have a lot of thinking to do, and then some practical planning. It's a question of priorities, delegation and resources. If you like mind-mapping, do a mind map. What needs to be done, whose problem is it, and what resources are required? What you want matters at least as much as what anyone else wants. Please come back and say more, and please don't feel you're on your own. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Your priorities are your knee, your marriage (if you are going try to rescue it) and your mom.

1. What are mom's resources, and what are her needs? It sounds as though living alone is no longer an option. Does she need a senior apartment, or assisted living? You sit down with her and explain that her 'indepence" can't come at the price of your health.

2. Talk to your husband with a therapist or marriage counselor. See if you can or want rescue your relationship.

Take care of yourself. Your mom has a need of a higher level of care than you can provide.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter