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My mother is 83 years old, she has lived alone for decades. She has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and is prone to old-age depression. The past 2 years her memory has started to decline and her conversations are very repetitive. In the past year she had 1 or 2 minor falls and sustained some bruising. In June this year she fell on the coffee table and fractured a rib. 6 weeks later she fell again and fractured her hip, she could not crawl for help and we only found her 12-24 hours later. After a long stay in hospital and rehab, she is finally home with 24 hour care. During rehab, she would not listen on how to manouvre with her hip and walker. Once at home, she would walk without her walker as much as possible and ignored our pleas that she could not do this. She would not go out anywhere because she was embarrassed of her walker, she said she didn’t need a walker, a walking stick would suffice and she would start to socialise again if she has a walking stick, my sibling gave in and purchased a walking stick. She is not happy having careworkers in her home 24/7 and insists she can live on her own if someone comes to check on her twice a day and helps with her medication etc. I am not comfortable with this, as I believe she is no longer able to live alone. My sibling is on the brink of giving in to her request to get rid of the 24 hour care and only have someone look in on her twcie a day. What is the general consensus out there?

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I am 82
Partner is 84
We live independently. With stairs. A two flat and old building; he still does more than a few repairs. We are still taking long walks, fostering a dog, cooking, cleaning, gardening, driving, shopping........................SO FAR.
I am a retired RN, so I have seen a lot.
Our children, as the vagaries of life would have it, are crumping before us. Illnesses, and auto immune stuff and debilitating falls (daughter's doctor looked at her hip MRI and said "What happened, you fell off a horse and then the horse fell on YOU?").
So basically, we are on our own with the decision of "How long can you do this".
The the thoughts, now, for both of us is that independent living is a joke when it would cost in our area about 15,000 a month and we are already DOING IT in our own building. ALF isn't something we are ready for. So....................
Here we are. Still. Today.

I took a flier in the street Saturday; balance is an issue, and so are our streets and sidewalks; I can't recover myself on a trip-and-fall. Nothing busted....................THIS TIME. I do look as though the old man beat me.

I am just saying, if something DOES happen, and I make it back home, I will look askance at the one who tells me what I must use and what I must not do and etc. 24/7 care I can't much imagine unless we are talking billionaire status. We are said to have lots of them; haven't seen one on Forum yet. That I know of.

All this to say, back away as much as you are able.
Let us IMAGINE that it ALL GOES SOUTH badly. The truth is that we all die. Is dying at home not as good as doing it in a nursing home? Perhaps better?
More and more (and of course it is MY AGE) I think that it's an option this going out of the home feet first. The nursing homes are to make YOU feel better. Not us. And you won't feel better, because you can read in this very thread someone worrying about her mom's bruises. You will STILL WORRY. Feel responsible. And you AREN'T.

Only you know the fine tuning in this, your own situation. I don't.
Only you can decide just how much to interfere. But you won't be thanked for it, and you may be thanked a lot more for just allowing her to be in her home so long as she is able. She fully understand that the grim reaper will soon be a-knocking.
Just some food for thought from someone who is "there". Be glad I didn't tell you about my partner's stroke two weeks ago!
Now go and do it your own way, best you are able.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Daughterof1930 Nov 11, 2024
Alva’s answer reminded me of my hubby’s dear grandfather, a truly wonderful man. He lived a fiercely independent life, always busy long after retirement with various projects. One night, in his mid 90’s, he got up in the night to use the bathroom, fell in the bathroom and died immediately. We all thought it so sad at the time, knowing how he’d be missed. Now, we know to look at it as such an incredible blessing, to leave this world in a blink, minus the long decline. Wish so many I’ve known since, including my own parents, had such an easy, uneventful exit
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Having people there 24/7 isn't necessarily going to prevent future falls, they can (and often do) happen when someone is right there. I would allow the twice a day caregivers and also sign her up with a fall alert pendant service so you have peace of mind she can get help if she needs it, at least for a trial period. Tell her that wearing the pendant and her using the walker are the compromises she needs to make in order to get her way.
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Reply to cwillie
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Snowid, welcome to the forum. So many of us here have dealt with a parent who think they can be totally independent. Sadly we need to wait for a major illness or major fall before we can get a parent into Assisted Living/Memory Care/Skilled Nursing Facility.


My Mom (90+) was one of them. After numerous falls, there was one fall that changed her life forever, it was a fall with a major head trauma. Mom fell in her kitchen. She could no longer function as the head injury accelerated her mild dementia into later stage, plus she kept forgetting she couldn't no longer stand up, so she was placed in a skilled nursing facility as she needed a village to help her.


After what Mom went through, my Dad was quick to sell their home and move into a senior living facility. Oh how he wished my Mom would have agreed to this so that she could have still been with him. He loved it there, especially being around people from his own generation :)
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Reply to freqflyer
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Which, if any, of the siblings has POA for mom’s healthcare and financial decisions for when she can no longer make sound choices for herself? It’s vital that document is in place by mom assigning the role to someone. As for living alone, if she’s still judged by her doctors to be of sound mind, she gets to decide how she lives, even if the family thinks it’s unsafe. Not uncommon for doctors not to see the whole picture or not do a complete cognitive assessment. Has she had a thorough cognitive evaluation? If she’s unable to make sound decisions and is judged incompetent, the POA can decide to change her living arrangements. Doesn’t mean she will get cooperative or not fight it. Your mom is wise enough to see the loss of her abilities and independence, the losses are piling up, something that’s hard for anyone to deal with and know how to cope with. My dad was helped tremendously by a small dose of Zoloft when he got so down by all this, he often called it his “attitude medicine” as he knew it helped lighten his mood. Perhaps mom could benefit from a med to help with this as well, something to discuss with her doctor. I wish you the best in figuring this out, it’s often like choosing from the best of the rotten options
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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She can’t live alone SAFELY. Let’s just say that someone “checks” on her twice a day. What is “checks?” Zip in and out in 10 minutes? Spend half an hour with her during which you have to cook for her, dole out meds, and listen to her complaining that you never stay long enough? So you leave at 8:30 am and show up again at 8:30 pm, but she must have fallen around 9:00 am, hit her head, and she’s dead. This is stark reality. This is what happens.

She needs to go to assisted living.
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ElizabethAR37 Nov 11, 2024
Lucky her! At 87 I think there are worse ways to go. (Not saying that anyone should be expected to assume responsibility for her welfare unless she lacks capacity.)
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“Im independent and can live alone! I JUST need someone to cook, clean, grocery shop, pay my bills , manage my meds, help me shower and maybe stay with me at night.”

So many of us here have heard these words.
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Reply to XenaJada
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She can fall anywhere . Can’t change that .
The memory problems , possibly causing her to burn the house down is the problem . Sounds like she shouldn’t be alone. If you lose this debate with your sibling and Mom is alone , I would disable the stove , get rid of candles matches , lighters etc.
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Reply to waytomisery
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It's not her age so much as her ability to care for herself. The appearance of symptoms of dementia (falls, repetitive conversations, not making good judgements about herself, etc.) should not be ignored. You can have a social worker come into her home to advise on what to do to make it more age friendly. Would she wear the medical alert bracelet or necklace so that she can call for help if she falls? Is she disposing of spoiled food in her refridgerator? Is she using the stove and sink properly? Is she a wanderer - meaning, would she go out by herself and get lost? Her symtoms will not get better, only worse. Can she still shop and cook for herself? Is she eating healthy meals? If not, a 24/7 aid can also help with this. A social worker could also help assess what her needs are. But also be prepared for a time when she needs more care. At that point, it may be best for her to be in a memory care facility or assisted living. All the best to your mother, you, and your family.
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Reply to NancyIS
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Hi snow, I'm wondering who is POA?

I've been in this very similar situation for quite a while.

I will say, if your not poa be very careful what you say to your siblings and mom, because if they know how you feel you could be pushed out of any of not all decision making.

Many people age at home and choose to, they would rather die on the bathroom floor than go into the system. That is what some of us here have had to accept.

What I have done is put my worry about mom out of my mind, as much as possible. I have no power no control, it's me against mom and 3 siblings.

What I have done, was tell my family, what I'm willing to do and not willing to do. If I see that I'm enabling mom to stay home when she definitely should not be alone, I'm walking. Mom has a degenerative spine, if she has another episode where she can't walk , I'm done. I will not watch her in pain again. I will not bring her to doctors in a wheelchair again I will not do physical care. It's been like 6 months since her last episode and physical therapy has been done for over a month, so I'm filling expecting, that it's about time for more decline, soon.

So id advise you to figure out your boundaries now, and stick to them

Of course I agree mom should not be left alone for long periods of time, but it does happen
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Welp, it better not be you who enables this mess and checks on her twice a day.

Tell your sister that if she gets rid of 24/7 help, you are not her Plan B. She can go that road alone.

Your mom needs to be tested for dementia.
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