My MIL recently fell and broke her hip and had a full hip replacement. She lived alone but could only get around by the use of a wheelchair. She does the bare minimum of physical therapy and is completely bedridden. She expects that her 2 children must do the caregiving and there is simply not enough of them to do 24-hour care. And not to mention neither want to be either. She is mean and hateful with both of them and can not afford an outside caregiver. She also thinks she can live alone and refuses to discuss long-term assisted living.
I'm asking to see if it's not too late to halt the process and arrange for her to be diverted to residential rehab.
Nobody wants to lose their independence.
Fact #1. But it happened. MIL broker her hip.
She is fighting hard to keep her 'old' life. But a Broken Hip is a life-changing event for many. Especially if they live alone. (For some, even the beginning of the end).
If you can't walk, can't propel yourself in a wheelchair or transfer alone - you now need help. Fact #2 now a semi-dependant or dependant person.
She has denial of this at present. But MIL will need to CHANGE. Face the facts. A useful way can be with counselling/psychologist to support this big change (if possible).
Fact #4 If informal supports (ie family) are insufficient to meet the care needs, formal supports (ie services/home help/aides) need to be added.
Fact #5 if not enough to fund the staff of helpers needed to stay in original home - the person must move to where that help is (AL or NH).
Fact #3 If the family can't do it all - then they can't do it all. Someone *expecting* to keep their life just as it was has their expectations wrong.
*Expecting* others to leave their family/jobs/homes/interests so that They don't need to change.. is wrong & quite frankly, very selfish.
"She also thinks she can live alone and refuses to discuss a long term assistant living'.
Discuss that with her Doctors. Is this denial? Or are there actual cognition problems? Like it or not - when the adult children say no more, what other choice is there?
Is she in Rehab at this time? If rehab is saying she needs 24/7 care then allow them to transfer her to LTC. Where I live Rehab and the NH are in the same building so easy transition. Tell them to discharge her would be "unsafe". That she cannot afford in home care and none of her children can take on the caregiving. Do not let them talk you into caring for her with promises to help. There is a shortage of aides and Medicaid cannot give u the hours needed. They will do anything to get family to take over care. Be firm, no.
I hope someone has POA. Its a great tool. You take whatever money she has available to pay her way. The NH can help get you started with the Medicaid application when needed. But, be very involved in the process. Keep in touch with the Medicaid caseworker. Don't expect the NH to do their job. You only have 90days to apply, spend down money and get the info needed to the caseworker.
But make it clear (and be firm about it ) to your spouse that you are not going to be a caregiver if the mother somehow ends up living with you two. Not your mother, not your concern.
As an in-law, you may harm your relationship with the family if you get involved.
Something should be looked into here. KBH
and for those saying ‘she’s only your MIL…shame on you. My MIL would only discuss her wishes & fears with me… she didn’t want to ‘hurt’ her children. While we had many differences, we were also close. when I married my husband, I adopted his family as mine, and mine was his. We’ve been married over 50 years, so obviously worked for us. Besides that, anyone loving their spouse will do anything to help them .
It might be best to talk with the family about getting her thorough physical, cognitive, and mental health evaluations. Most times it is easier to get her placed into a long term facility when a person is hospitalized.
She's an at-risk, vulnerable adult. Her family needs to call APS and tell them what's going on. The state will place her.
Even if she isn't competent, they are not obligated to take care of her.
No one is obligated by the law to take care of their elderly family members. This is what APS is for. This is why elders become wards of the state.
Her being mean and hateful is irrelevant. Refusing to discuss any care plans is too. They simply have to be made whether she likes them or not.
The way to deal with people like your MIL in her condition, is not to "ask" her anything or to be tolerant of her verbal abuse. You don't ask. You tell.
Research some options. If she cannot afford homecare, she can't afford assisted living. AL wouldn't be an option for her anyway if she's bedridden. Really the only possibilities for your MIL if she's bedridden are a live-in caregiver and if you hire one privately you can negotiate the pay with them directly, or a nursing home. Either way she isn't going to be living alone like she thinks. Her kids need to get together and have a meeting (without her) and make a plan for what they think is best. Then tell your MIL about it.
If they don't want to be caregivers, they don't have to be.
Sounds like mom needs placement and medical care, I guess a nursing facility or Assisted Living are appropriate. Perhaps Medicaid is possible, depending on her assets.
Here's a site to review and, perhaps, "A Place For Mom" may be helpful.
https://www.caring.com/senior-living/assisted-living/
https://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/health/NOA/30states.pdf
I looked up the article from the link you provided. Here's the excerpt at the very end. I break up the paragraph so it's easier to read.
"State laws vary. however, law student Shannon Edelstone, in her award-winning essay (cited below), studied all of the state laws and found that most agree that children have a duty to provide necessities for parents who cannot do so for themselves."
"The states' legislation also gives guidelines to the courts, telling judges to use a number of factors when weighing the adult child's ability to PAY against the indigent parent's needs."
"Judges, accordingly, have considered:
--such variables as the adult child's financing of their child's college education,
--as well as his/her personal needs for savings and retirement."
My interpretation is that courts put the needs of the adult children, and their children ahead of the parents' need.
I'm not saying adult children should abandon their parents, they absolutely should help if they have the ability.
I guess my mother was considered indigent because I was never asked for any financial support while she was in the nursing home. I have often wondered if they applied for Medicaid and never discussed it with me. Perhaps they took mercy that I was very pregnant and she was dying of lung cancer. I don't know the answer, but I am grateful because I was poor as the proverbial "church mouse" at that point in my life.