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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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I am thinking of moving in to take care of my mother, but she doesn't want me to. She has heart issues and it is difficult for her to get around. I want to move in to take care of her. Can I just move in without her consent?
Unless she is cognitively impaired and you are granted guardianship by the court, or by some coincidence your name is also on the deed/lease, then no. It is her home and she as the right to decide who gets to live in it, even if that decision is to her detriment.
If you want to take care of your Mother yourself, you will need to go through some hoops first:
- she needs to assign you as her PoA. To do this you will need to convince her to go to an elder law attorney with you. The attorney will decide if she has capacity. Your Mom needs to be willing to assign you. She has to pay for it.
or
- you pursue guardianship for her through the courts. But this will require proving she needs a guardian because she is diagnosed with sufficient incapacity to act in her own best interests. This costs time and a few thousand dollars.
Everything hinges upon whether your Mom has cognitive impairment or not.
If you don't have siblings you can download a PoA template for her home state and -- if she's willing -- can assign you as her PoA. You take the document to a bank notary with ID and they will provide 2 non-family witnesses. In most states this finalizes the PoA. Make sure to do 2 original copies, one for each of you. If you have siblings this way of creating the PoA can be dicey and possibly contestable.
Then after PoA is assigned, take her for her free Medicare annual wellness exam and discretely ask them to give her a cognitive/memory test. This will give you context for how much help she needs and what else may be going on with her health.
If you are really concerned about her wellbeing and think she is not taking care of herself, then contact APS to get her on their radar as a vulnerable adult. If she goes on to have cognitive/memory issues the county may refer her to a judge who will assign a legal 3rd party guardian. But this is if she has no PoA.
You need to know what you can and cannot legally do before you start doing anything.
What reason does she give for not wanting you to live with her? Have you tried suggesting a temporary short-term visit? Are you retired so that this isn't onerous for you?
No, of course you cannot. Not anymore than you could move in with ME without my consent.
The single circumstance I can think of would be if your mother suffered from dementia so severe that she was judged a danger to self or others and was judged mentally incompetent. In that case you would be (if not already her POA) appointed guardian, and could move in to give her care in lieu of placing her in safe care . You would need physician's letters and guardianship (a legal court action).
If your mother is mentally competent, but she doesn't wish you to move in, you can check on her by phone morning and night. If she seems to you incompetent in her care despite being basically mentally competent you can ask for a sheriff or police wellness check and ask that they call in APS if they feel a case should be opened.
Sure do wish you luck in attempting to help your mother.
It is a beautiful gesture that you want to do that. Most of us want to help in the beginning. You figure it you will be devoting a year, maybe two to help and do.
But can be way longer than that. And care gets harder as they become immobile and incontinent and many elders become downright nasty and you will need to cope with that.
You will be putting your life on hold indefinitely. What I learned about old age is that the decline happens in tiny bits and pieces. They just linger. It takes years before death happens. My mother died in June at 95 after five years of help. My father will be 96, no quality of life but thankfully is in a NH at this point because he is a two person transfer and I am nearly 70 and can’t physically care for him and his money is gone. He is on Medicaid.
You should be prepared and aware that you making a huge sacrifice .
Does she actually NEED your full time "help" and caregiving? If she does not need 24/7/365 care then back off. If she does not want you there..back off. There are other ways that she can get help if she needs it without you giving up your life, job, family, home to move in and care for her. Please read all the other comments from people that have moved in with a parent and it does not always go well.
Honestly if someone decided that I needed "help" and they were going to move in with me I would not be happy, I frankly would be pissed. And I would do everything in my power to get them out. Resorting to going to court and getting them legally evicted. Or to the police and getting them arrested as a trespasser. And possibly filing a restraining order if it got to that.
If you want to keep an eye on mom then a security camera might be the way to go. Now if mom has had some trips to the ER and it is not safe for her to be alone then talking calmly about other options that might work. Hired Caregivers Cameras Alert Systems Alexa or other device so she can quickly get hold of you and or you can "drop in on her" to see if everything is ok. There are programs at many Senior Service Centers where Volunteers contact members just to check in and make sure they are doing well.
How old is Mom? "Difficult" does not mean she cannot do for herself, just will take her longer. Many people have heart issues and live on their own. If she does not want you there, then don't go. Maybe regular visits just to make sure everything is OK.
Honestly take it from one long time caregiver to another that's just getting involved. That your mom is doing you a huge favor.
My mom won't even put me on her emergency call list, ever since I tried to talk to her about it , I'm doing more and more for me, less for her. Living my life, if this is the way she wants it, my hands are tied. So why worry if I have no power.
Can any of your relatives decide that YOU need help and move into your home even if you don’t want them there? Why would your mother be any different? Unless she’s been declared incompetent by a physician, you cannot make decisions for her regardless of what you believe to be in her best interest. You can be a loving, supportive daughter and check in with her often. Don’t overstep your boundaries. That never ends well.
Why would you do such a thing?? She can call the police and have you removed from her home. Leave your mother alone to fail or thrive on her own. If she fails, then she gets to have help forced upon her.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
- she needs to assign you as her PoA. To do this you will need to convince her to go to an elder law attorney with you. The attorney will decide if she has capacity. Your Mom needs to be willing to assign you. She has to pay for it.
or
- you pursue guardianship for her through the courts. But this will require proving she needs a guardian because she is diagnosed with sufficient incapacity to act in her own best interests. This costs time and a few thousand dollars.
Everything hinges upon whether your Mom has cognitive impairment or not.
If you don't have siblings you can download a PoA template for her home state and -- if she's willing -- can assign you as her PoA. You take the document to a bank notary with ID and they will provide 2 non-family witnesses. In most states this finalizes the PoA. Make sure to do 2 original copies, one for each of you. If you have siblings this way of creating the PoA can be dicey and possibly contestable.
Then after PoA is assigned, take her for her free Medicare annual wellness exam and discretely ask them to give her a cognitive/memory test. This will give you context for how much help she needs and what else may be going on with her health.
If you are really concerned about her wellbeing and think she is not taking care of herself, then contact APS to get her on their radar as a vulnerable adult. If she goes on to have cognitive/memory issues the county may refer her to a judge who will assign a legal 3rd party guardian. But this is if she has no PoA.
You need to know what you can and cannot legally do before you start doing anything.
What reason does she give for not wanting you to live with her? Have you tried suggesting a temporary short-term visit? Are you retired so that this isn't onerous for you?
The single circumstance I can think of would be if your mother suffered from dementia so severe that she was judged a danger to self or others and was judged mentally incompetent. In that case you would be (if not already her POA) appointed guardian, and could move in to give her care in lieu of placing her in safe care . You would need physician's letters and guardianship (a legal court action).
If your mother is mentally competent, but she doesn't wish you to move in, you can check on her by phone morning and night. If she seems to you incompetent in her care despite being basically mentally competent you can ask for a sheriff or police wellness check and ask that they call in APS if they feel a case should be opened.
Sure do wish you luck in attempting to help your mother.
Remain her daughter not her caregiver.
But can be way longer than that. And care gets harder as they become immobile and incontinent and many elders become downright nasty and you will need to cope with that.
You will be putting your life on hold indefinitely. What I learned about old age is that the decline happens in tiny bits and pieces. They just linger. It takes years before death happens. My mother died in June at 95 after five years of help. My father will be 96, no quality of life but thankfully is in a NH at this point because he is a two person transfer and I am nearly 70 and can’t physically care for him and his money is gone. He is on Medicaid.
You should be prepared and aware that you making a huge sacrifice .
Good luck to you from someone who has been there.
If she does not need 24/7/365 care then back off.
If she does not want you there..back off.
There are other ways that she can get help if she needs it without you giving up your life, job, family, home to move in and care for her.
Please read all the other comments from people that have moved in with a parent and it does not always go well.
Honestly if someone decided that I needed "help" and they were going to move in with me I would not be happy, I frankly would be pissed. And I would do everything in my power to get them out. Resorting to going to court and getting them legally evicted. Or to the police and getting them arrested as a trespasser.
And possibly filing a restraining order if it got to that.
If you want to keep an eye on mom then a security camera might be the way to go.
Now if mom has had some trips to the ER and it is not safe for her to be alone then talking calmly about other options that might work.
Hired Caregivers
Cameras
Alert Systems
Alexa or other device so she can quickly get hold of you and or you can "drop in on her" to see if everything is ok.
There are programs at many Senior Service Centers where Volunteers contact members just to check in and make sure they are doing well.
My mom won't even put me on her emergency call list, ever since I tried to talk to her about it , I'm doing more and more for me, less for her. Living my life, if this is the way she wants it, my hands are tied. So why worry if I have no power.