My 97 y.o. M.I.L. has lived with us for 3.5 years. She is a terror. She lies to us, curses. My question is: She makes $1,700 mo Soc Sec. When we go for respite care we use her money. We go once per week for 3 hours. We have had 2 overnight stays. We need more. She sends her 5 great grandchildren money every month. Some $50, some $100. They all are grown, and have very good paying jobs. They never say thank you. Is it wrong for us to stop sending them money so we can hire more caregivers so we can get away from her? My husband is her power of attorney in all things. She is able to go to day programs for free, but refuses to go unless she can take her dog. She cannot live alone as she forgets to feed him. AL was chosen, but all the extra services she would need would banckrupt both of us. Your honest advice is welcomed. She is low maintenance at home, but depends on us for her food, transportation. She causes us so much anguish. She is extremely opinated, and doesn 't care who she hurts. She has us hostage in our own home... Seems she has more rights than we do. Help.
No, you can’t “make her go”, but you can make it quite uncomfortable for her to stay at home instead of going. If you go out and leave her and the dog without a nice lunch, it will make her uncomfortable but it will not endanger her health or the dog.
All of us choose what to do or not do, because the result would be uncomfortable for us. Even quite young children learn to ‘weigh up consequences’. You are not powerless, don’t act as though you are.
My Mom has dementia. She is aware, yet not aware. She cannot write a check anymore. She would love to pass out all her assets to the grandkids before she dies. She says they need it more than she does. Each of the grandkids is able-bodied, smart and able to find a job, if motivated. I told my Mom NO. She CAN give Christmas money, however, she needs the money for her care. She doesn't understand. She still wants to simplify her finances by passing it all out to the grandkids before she dies. If we followed her wishes, that would leave my sister and I with the bill for her care. She doesn't understand nor care.
My Mother did not think she would live this long. She has been asking to die for the last 5 years (painlessly of course). She has a hard time hearing and comprehending and following instructions. She has severe arthritis whose pain is controlled to a dull ache with drugs. We spend about $200 on drugs and about another $150 in personal care per month, before room, board and food.
We have her in a Memory Care unit as she is needy, lies, negative, paranoid, stubborn, and manipulative with us kids, and that was before she had impaired memory. She doesn't present that side of her personality to outsiders. With Memory Care, I can walk away and leave her in caring hands when I cannot tolerate her during a visit. Thankfully, she likes the caregivers and nurses at MC. After being there for one year, her blood pressure was lower and she was actually healthier than when she was living alone and aggravating me.
I would research and see if you can find someplace suitable and within budget for her care. I know of at least one place where they had pets on-site. We didn't talk cost. I still take my Mom out for doctor's appointments, haircuts, restaurants, etc. She doesn't have any jewelry, credit cards, checkbook or money at the MC, so I'm not in constant "damage control" mode which took a lot out of me. Now I have options when the difficult behavior begins and know that she will still be in good hands.
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NO!!! It is not wrong! You don't need anyone's approval to make sure her money goes to her care and grown adults do not need an allowance. Since your husband is POA can you make a plan with him to stop paying all the grandkids? He should be very involved, it's his mom.
One other tip: stop having so much vitriol/ hatred towards your MIL. She can't help her condition and she's not doing this on purpose. Yes, you need a break from caregiving but she also deserves to be cared for by people who do not resent her.... and you sound like you hate her.
I do get the impression that you, dkiely, luckily most likely care for a loving, appreciative mother. I hope so. Also, your mother lives alone, so you’re not dealing with her every minute in your home.
I think you’ve never cared for a mean person. And yes actually, some mean people can control themselves, but purposefully hurt others.
Soon. I think you should have done this long ago.
Since MIL has a difficult personality, consider getting her help from a psychiatrist - geriatric specialty preferred. Also read any of the "boundary books" by Cloud and Townsend to create a plan for dealing with her problem behaviors.
.Good luck! If you do not have POA…see a lawyer and get it done..
She needs to be on a schedule that doesn’t include you and your husband constantly doing for her.
Try to limit your time around your MIL. This doesn’t give her the opportunity to give her opinion or hurt your feelings.
You and your husband are letting her control your home and make you feel like hostages. Stop it. Take control.
I've been caring for her in some form or fashion for 17 years, and as the duties have increased, my life has decreased. I almost have nothing left of my former self - my job, interests, hobbies, friends...all gone now. Some drifted away and others had to be put aside because I have no time to devote to them.
I'm also a hostage in my home unless a sitter is here - I now have 3 who come on various days for a few hours. I use my mother's SS income to pay them. Even with 3 sitters, I'm a prisoner in my own home most of the time. If I even walk out into the yard, I have to take an alarm with me in case she gets up from her chair or bed. It's like being on a leash 24/7.
The "please" and "thank you" are very uncommon. My mother has always had an attitude of sarcasm or "snarkiness" and it triggers the heck out of me.
To answer your question, yes, I think that you should use the amount of her money that you need to pay for more caregiver/sitters. You're doing all of the caregiving work so make no apologies and accept no false guilt.
Peace
Recently my hubby had a medical procedure done at the hospital (outpatient). It took about 3 hours of getting ready, waiting, and having the procedure. He was so nasty and demanding to EVERYONE that I felt I had to go around and apologize afterward. One nurse who helped with the procedure came to get me when he was ready to be rolled out to the car. He said, "Are you the primary caretaker?" I said, surprised, "Yes. How did you know?" He said kindly "You look like it," meaning that I looked exhausted, ground down, sad and despairing, I think. He said he and his sister had the same situation with their father. They could not be with him (both nurses), could not afford official home helpers or assisted living. Finally they found through a friend a young woman and her sister who were immigrants from Central America, intelligent and caring. Latin Americans have much more of a culture of families staying together and taking care of the elderly, and she had already taken care of her own mother and father. They moved in with the nurses and took care of the father for 7 years, until he died. He said they became like sisters to him and cost much less than official home helpers or assisted living. I live in a place with a lot of immigrants and am asking around trying to find such an experienced and trustworthy person who has taken care of someone here until he or she died. We can't possibly afford more than 2 years of assisted living or helper companies, and I don't think hubby will die that quickly, although I well may.
Nice to see your face always. You are indeed bella.
Try to put up some boundaries and set a schedule that suits you for doctor appointments. My parents about killed me running both of them each week to various doctors.
Please take her poor dog away and get him well cared for. He is a helpless animal and does not deserve to suffer with hunger. If she lives with you I hope some one takes responsibility for the pet.
Do not allow her to be so demanding and run your house.
I believe you need an eldercare attorney. Pay for it with her funds.
I sincerely hope you can get this resolved sooner rather than later!
But not all gifts are like a no limit, no expiry gift card.
If this current plan is no longer working, time to re-assess. The household plan needs to work for EVERYONE in.the household. Not just MIL.
Mission creeps happens!
But it's fixable.
MIL can have the dignity of 'paying her way'. To pay for her care/respite care/aides etc.
Than stop it!