I cared for my Dad through a terrible cancer battle at age 60, and watched him die a painful death, just after giving birth to my daughter. As a new Mom, I needed support, and struggled with postpartum depression, but support was not there-I WAS the support. My Mom was dependent on my Dad, and she declined in his cancer. Both were in and out of the hospital at the same time. I am an RN and was the POA. I received no help from my only sister, who must be going through her own form of grief and is full of anger and will not help me care for our Mom who is end stage. I am pregnant again. And I am bitter, depressed, and angry. I feel robbed. My Mom is a waif, a child to me. She has learned helplessness and will do nothing for herself(although this could be seen as withdrawling from life, she has been this way her whole life). She is manipulative, offering guilt trips. Her quality of life depends on me. She is sucking me dry. And I am angry. And argumentative with her. And then I feel guilty b/c I am angry and argumentative with a helpless dying woman. I have made an appointment for counseling. We do have actual bedside caregivers caring for her, but I am the one managing it all-bills, her home, caregivers, food, the dog, nurses/physicians, etc. I feel like I hit a brick wall. I have nothing left in me to offer. My husband is great support but he is fed up also. I try to pull empathy and compassion (I had it before) but its not there, I only find anger and resentment. I avoid talking to her b/c I struggle to converse without the resentment behind her. Every doctor/nurse feels she should be Hospice. She wants to keep fighting, but always refuses to go to the hospital. When she is confused it leaves me to make difficult decisions b/c she is refusing but also made her wishes known to keep fighting. But I just don't have the fight in me anymore. Im the one ready to give up and without me advocating for her, she would never live. Have I hit the point of no return? Is it possible to have any quality relationship with her before she dies?
Hate to put things so bluntly this morning, but your mother about fits the definition of a borderline waife mother. People like her manipulate others with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. There is a good book about this, Emotional Blackmail: When People in your life use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to manipulate you. You didn't make her that way. You can't fix her. nor can you control her. All you can really do is take care of yourself and put yourself on a healthier path which you definitely need with being pregnant again. I commend you for going to counseling which is part of getting yourself on a healthier path.
My step-mother is dying from pulmonary fibrosis and does not want to go to the hospital or a nursing home, but would rather die at home. She is a fighter and has already lived past the 6 months the doctor gave her to live. However, she is receiving hospice care at home.
I am glad that you have the support of your husband. What does he think needs to be done?
I hope your counseling session goes well today. You are in my prayers. Love and hugs!
Hopefully counseling today will give you some relief and help make those tough decisions we all face in caregiving.
Hugs and prayers!
I don't know if you have ever read the book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, but it has a chapter on the borderline waif. The writer also is very descriptive of the borderline queen (the mommy dearest type) and the borderline witch who are so cruel. I'm convinced that my MIL is a combination of the borderline queen and witch. It does sound like you lost yourself in trying to survive her dysfunctional way of life and now you are fighting to get your life and yourself back. Also, there are two other good books. Stop Walking on Eggshells and the Workbook for Stop Walking on Eggshells. I hope your counseling session goes well today.
A lot people think of it as a death sentence when truly it is not. And since you have been through this before, their job is to help and keep the patient comfortable and support the family. If she refuses, this could be to her detriment. It's so good you are going to counseling; I hope they can help you through this. So many of us have been on the receiving end of the guilt trip mothers who were catered to and enable by their husbands. And when husband is gone, we are left with the end result of the dysfunction and all the responsibilities. My heart goes out to you and will keep you in my prayers.
Blessings to you and take care of yourself and beautiful little one on the way.
I have medical DPOA(in our state, legally medical POA and not be shared and this has caused a war with my sister), and share financial, etc DPOA with my sister.
We have my Mom on a Hospice "bridge" program, and they are there to bridge my Mom over to full Hospice when she is ready. They do come out to the home to try to symptom manage to avoid hospitalization, but at times their hands are tied b/c they can only treat to a certain extent without consent for Hospice, and b/c her periods of confusion are temporary, I can't decide at that moment to make her full Hospice. The hospice nurses totally empathize with me and have talked with her numerous times of the benefits of Hospice. She just sees it as a death sentence, b/c my Dad died quickly after he went Hospice(she misses the correlation that our family lives in denial and utilizes Hospice only at the time of death). She wants to see my second child and wants to be able to go to hospital to get antibiotics, etc-which would be fine but when the time comes she doesn't want to go and its a huge production to get her treated. I feel alot of ethical pressures, but I think next time at the first hint of refusal, I will walk away and if the consequence is death, that was her choice.
Cmagnum-it is really ironic you suggest she may be waif BPD. My MIL is Borderline, but very abusive and nasty. We've been in counseling for that and I'm in support groups for it. Through this process, a lightbulb has gone off and I've questioned if my own mother is borderline, but very quietly, without anger and shouting. She is so very manipulative in her sickly sweetness, but there is always a guilt-trip under it. I know everyone grieves differently, but it never sat right with with her reaction to my Dads death. She was loving the attention she received through it. Her disabilities were true, but in his living years he enabled her learned helplessness. She was quite capable of helping with bills, making phone calls, etc. And when he died, she refused to lift a finger-and I suppose I took over the enabling role. I have alot of friends who are also having babies, and I am sad when I watch their mothers help them through it. My Mom offers me nothing, she is so childlike in how she talks. She loves her grandchildren, but it is our chore to get them to her so she can be happy and have quality of life. B/c I am currently a stay at home Mom, she thinks I just have all the time in the world to cater to her needs. I found I have to make up illnesses for myself-its the only way to get off the hook with her to care for her needs. My husband and I actually moved back here to care for her, and unfortunately to get back here he took a terrible job with long hours, less pay, weekend hours, etc. Which offers me even less support. We are both so bitter for choosing to move here. I catered to her, I should have told her if she wanted my help she needed to move to me.
I feel like I lost myself and my life in her dysfunctional way of life...
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