This is a post that I would like to hear feedback from professionals in the psychiatric, medical, social-work, pastoral, financial, and elder-law fields about -- this the the post -- "How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?" There were many posts from the caregivers in 2012. We are a sad and overstressed group of folks. What do we have to look forward to in 2013 and beyond?
Asked by JoyceW | Mar 25, 2012
Sometimes spouses live in denial because it's too painful to accept the reality that their life partner is dying. Also, the older generation didn't have access to hospice care and many had/have a misunderstanding about what hospice does now that it is available. I experienceed what you are describing with two elders (not my parents) who couldn't be with their spouses during the last days. I try not to judge that. It's part of their history, their pain and their denial. Sometimes what you are describing is lack of love, but in the cases I witnessed it was more fear and denial.
Take care of yourself. You sound like a kind, loving person who - like all of us - is just trying to figure out these mysteries.
Carol
You are most decidedly NOT an awful person and venting as well as problem solving is one of the major things these forums are about.
I totally hear you!! I'm an only child taking care of my elder mother right now and I'm about ready to snap. All she does is talk about how unhappy she is but she won't do anything about it-- she expects me to somehow fix it for her. She refuses to go anywhere on her own/without me, won't drive even though she's perfectly capable and has her own car, and continually complains. Physically she's healthy but she's always had a mental illness that has made her irrational. My stepfather used to bear the brunt of her issues (they were together 24/7 for 20 years until he passed) but now that he's gone, its up to me. I can't be with her all the time and act like her social director, I have a career but the stress of the past year with her is starting to taking its toll there too.
What bothers me about the original "expert" answer is that it assumes so much-- that the relationship between the elder and caregiver is based on mutual love and trust, that the elder was ever in a position to care for another person, etc. I've been caregiving my mother since I was 5, having to raise myself and take care of her until my stepfather came around. He wasn't the nicest person but at least he took that responsibility off my shoulders. When he was ill, she couldn't/wouldn't drive him to the doctors or even get in the ambulance when things got bad. She just called me and waited the 2-3 hours it took for me to drive down there. And yet, to hear her tell it, she was a saint. (Sound familiar?)
Even venting like this, writing it all down like this, I feel like an awful person. But you're right, a person's got to vent or they'll lose their mind completely.
I don't fit into the categories you listed, but I'll start out with what I used as a touchpoint during my two decades of elder care.
I knew what my parents had done to care for their parents. Therefore, when I was in doubt, I felt that their guidelines for taking care of the parents they loved can help me make judgements as well.
I asked for help and researched materials on any specific disease my elders had. Where there were disease specific sites, such as Alzheimer's, diabetes, etc. I suggest communicating with the experts on those sites and asking for feed back. They can give you a realistic view of what you can expect to accomplish.
Communicate often with your mother's health care providers. She may be depressed and an antidepressant could help. She may have pain that could be better controlled. She may need more peer socialization, which adult day care and other group efforts can provide.
I tried to keep my elders supplied with music they enjoyed and other activities, brought them food that they especially liked, spent time with them and included them in my life when possible.
Were they always happy? No. They had physical pain. They regularly heard news about life-long friends either developing diseases or dying, They struggled with the issues of losing control of their lives. Aging is tough and not everyone handles it well. I did everything I could while still remaining somewhat sane myself, and then I had to accept the fact that I couldn't make anyone happy.
I hope you hear from the experts you listed, Meanwhile, the very fact that you care this much signals to me that you are an excellent caregiver. Try to get some time for yourself, too.
Carol