I have always been focused and goal driven. As my partner’s Parkinson’s symptoms worsen he has become prone to talking to me from across the house, but disease has caused him to speak softly and slurred. I hear just enough to know he’s speaking to me, but not what he’s saying. Sometimes I just have to go on like I didn’t hear him, but that’s difficult when you care about someone. So I stop what I am working on to see what he wanted, and by the time I’m finished I have completely forgotten what I was doing. So, I later discover unfinished tasks. I get flustered because that’s just not like me...and it seems like I’m getting that way with everything. I’ll commonly be up until 1 or 2 in the morning doing work and sending emails - clients praise the dedication, but if they only knew. Anyone else having same problem and have found some tricks that help?
https://www.livescience.com/17132-forget-walked-room-doorways-blame-study-finds.html
It is interesting how this might impact us!
Centennial, CO
I USED to be the most organized person I knew. Now I can't look at the piles of mail (probably bills) on my desk. It's overwhelming. It's no wonder since, in addition to be sole caregiver to my 100 year old Mother, I've also been burdened with a legal matter that I can't seem to get out of:
Has anyone ever had the experience -- or know someone who has had the experience -- of having a doctor (in my case Kaiser Permanente) turning your "case" over to the county in which you live? Let me warn you not to divulge too much of your anxiety and stress to your doctor. This could warn the dr that you need help (that you might not decide yourself that you need) and that your parent or other loved one for whom you are caring should go to a facility.
Well, this has turned out to be the nightmare of my life. Instead of being recognized for good service and commitment, I had to get a $375 per hour attorney to try to get the county out of my business. Attorney recommended that I hire a "geriatric care manager" who would write a care plan for my 100 year old mother, which would include her staying in my home where she feels safe and is loved. Said $250 per hour (including assistant) care manager came for three meetings to "assess" my mom and talk (chit chat). She is well known in my state and highly regarded. Well this “care manager" never came through with the care plan for which she was hired. And, she has been talking to the case worker for the county (the other side). I am now faced with putting my Mom in a facility or have them move for guardianship -- yes, the same care manager -- and she would put my Mom in a facility (not necessarily of my choosing).
Btw, this has cost me thousands already -- and my Mom a couple of thousand too. Court-ordered theft from two old ladies.
Nightmare.
P.S. Sorry if I posted this twice. I wasn't sure where to post, I'm new at this!
Has anyone ever had the experience -- or know someone who has had the experience -- of having a doctor (in my case Kaiser Permanente) turning your "case" over to the county in which you live? Let me warn you not to divulge too much of your anxiety and stress to your doctor. This could warn the dr that you need help (that you might not decide yourself that you need) and that your parent or other loved one for whom you are caring should go to a facility.
Well, this has turned out to be the nightmare of my life. Instead of being recognized for good service and commitment, I had to get a $375 per hour attorney to try to get the county out of my business. Attorney recommended that I hire a "geriatric care manager" who would write a care plan for my 100 year old mother, which would include her staying in my home where she feels safe and is loved. Said $250 per hour (including assistant) care manager came for three meetings to "assess" my mom and talk (chit chat). She is well known in my state and highly regarded. Well this "care manager" never came through with the care plan for which she was hired. And, she has been talking to the case worker for the county (the other side). I am now faced with putting my Mom in a facility or have them move for guardianship -- yes, the same care manager -- and she would put my Mom in a facility (not necessarily of my choosing).
Btw, this has cost me thousands already -- and my Mom a couple of thousand too. Court-ordered theft from two old ladies.
Nightmare.
You make a good point about how much to share with the doctor. The way healthcare is nowadays, everything has to be "documented" and "addressed."
My Mom's wheel on her walker got stuck and because of this she tripped. I had to help her off the floor. No injury. I mentioned it in passing while at her PCP's. Next thing I knew, he had ordered a PT to come to the house for a "safety assessment." "We take falls very seriously." Well, the PT never even checked the walker, but I did and fixed the source of the problem, the wheel. What a waste of resources. What is worse is that now every time we go to her doctor, we have to have a 5 minute discussion about safety and falls.
I will now never share 100% my stress with the doctor. Thanks for the tip. Sorry you are going through what you are. I swear that the whole "system" seems to be set up to make more problems, and the common sense of actually giving the patient and caregiver what they need goes out the window.
HIDE A KEY ON MY CAR.....
HIDE A KEY OUTSIDE HOME...
TAKE PICTURE OF MED LISTS, BILLS WITH ACCOUNT #s, ANY INFO THAT I LEAVE AT HOME BUT MEANT TO BRING, I CAN FIND ON MY PHONE...
Now, where are my keys?
Wow, what you said is so true. My mom has been experiencing difficulties for what I surmise is as long ago as when she fell but didn't hurt herself last November so almost close to a year now. The past three days my sister, who lives with Mom as is her caregiver, has called me spur of the moment to come help her deal with Mom. I don't mind doing that, but tonight it was the third time and Mom had fallen but not hurt herself as usual. My daughter with special needs and I had already been over there helping for nine hours earlier, so I was not thrilled with going over there again. But we did. My husband is away on business for his online Ebay coin business, so it is just us going. I don't mind at all, but what bothers me most is when mom decides she cannot assist in getting up or moved around or pretty much anything. My younger sister tolerates all this but today she had to go for more follow up on her skin cancer. Although she has lots of sutures, two regions still have the melanoma in situ so she is a bit worried. I have tried to explain to Mom that she needs to try help us help her, but she remains difficult wanting attention the wrong way like she once explained to my daughter who got that! We stayed there helping Mom get off floor until 1:30 am when I put my foot down and said, both myself and my daughter need to go home to get some sleep so we don't become mental health sleep deprived patients. My sister has allowed mom to live in a wonderland of butt lifts on demand 24/7 and what I would just have to call unreasonable behaviors. I cannot do that and I explained to both of them once again that I don't do Butt lifts and myself and my family must get our sleep to stay functioning humans.
I am so sad my sister has so much on her plate, skin cancer still although she looks like she is in a Halloween costume with face so stitched up although two regions are not even clear of skin cancer. She has more appointments next week and I really cannot agree to being available for all of them and then some.
That may sound very selfish and I did let Mom know tonight again that I cannot go psycho myself as I have my special needs daughter to help as well as her and my husband.
Honestly, I think what Mom did was almost a game to get attention the wrong way much like my special needs daughter tried to pull a couple for years back. It took us a visit to the ER to learn what really was going on and take back control. We all need to help and have certain behavior rules and that is my opinion. If those around me cannot understand and abide by that, I cannot help them PERIOD. On the other hand, if they show any sincere amount of trying to help, I will find a way to make it work. I have done that for almost 28 years here so I am pretty good at it.
Thanks for listening to my rant after my day which seemed like a week. I was so fortunate today to find my keys although I had already just gotten the spare pair. I guess that started my day with a motive for it to be successful. I guess it was a my sister and I did get Mom who had fallen but hurt herself, off the floor. God is good and listens to prayers. I hope He listens to me asking for Mom to understand that she really does need to cooperate now or she will have a big change in her life. I explained what the daily rate for helpers who do hands on stuff like Mom requires. I don't think my sister realized that it was a lot more than what she thought. She is doing that like 24/7 and that needs to stop! She is becoming sick on all of that. I cannot allow myself to become sick even trying to do that and I do think I communicated that tonight although what I said was not liked there.
The other day I was visiting a friend in the ICU. I noticed her nurse got called away to another patient and didn't return to the room until 90 minutes later. Not good but nothing bad happened...but it could have. The nurse was horrified when she walked back in the room and realized she'd left a task undone. Multitasking does not work. When something is important - and if it's important to you that's all that matters - try to finish it.
I agree PostIt notes are great; however, they are no substitute for organizing your thoughts/actions and setting healthy limits with your time. And again, "It's not your job to make everything perfect".
I think we all must find a way to relieve our stress to get any peace from all we endure.
We have terrible mail service, so it's common not to receive a bill in the mail that will remind you. The list is a reminder even if you miss the paper bill or an email alert.
"Do you ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind — to get something, perhaps? — only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an "event boundary" in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next, just as exiting through a doorway signals the end of a scene in a movie. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room, and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Mental event boundaries usually help us organize our thoughts and memories as we move through the continuous and dynamic world, but when we're trying to remember that thing we came in here to do… or get… or maybe find… they can be frustrating indeed."
On some level I thought this was just a fluke... but I have gotten to the other side of the threshold, realized I don't know what I was here for and on returning through the threshold again... Bing! There it is!!!
Best thing you can do is leave a brief note for yourself before you head off to remind yourself where you were at when interrupted (especially when that is likely to be an extended time away) OR repeat over and over on your way to/through the threshold what you were going to do/get! Sometimes it thwarts the "event boundary"...
Sounds like we're barking at the moon, but hey, if it works...
Yip Yip YOWWWWLLLL!!!
(In my case, that would be MEERRRRROWWWWWL! =^..^=)
I have a notebook that I create lists and responses I need to complete or orders I need to make - then check off as I go along. For all online/mail orders, I use index cards as I place and order with items and price so I can make sure I get everything and that the billing is accurate when statements arrive.
I have resigned myself to staying in the same room as mom because she gets irritated if I go to the office room to work on tasks. Not to mention jumping up and down to go see what she wants because I can't hear her well (from another room) and she definitely cannot hear me. I know it still irritates her that I'm on the computer at all because I hear her tell people on the phone - oh, she's on the computer as usual. She has no idea that 90% of my time on the computer is to pay bills, make dr appts, follow up on medical procedures or prescriptions and insurance payments.
And more recently, I had to add another person to the mix because of a debilitating sudden illness. So now, trying to get his meds lined up to do the most good for him during the day - constantly emailing or phoning drs and insurance trying to get tests and procedures for him. Seems I'm even more scattered than before.
I continue to use the notebook and index cards to do my best to stay on top of everything. I still haven't figured out why I lost my ability to handle the multiple tasks like I did before, nor how to get the ability back. I just keep checking the notebook at this point! Frustrating as H3LL, but guess it is what it is!
Have a go-to place where you can check on what needs to be done, a desk or counter top with sticky notes or timers or both, check it often when you get side-tracked.
Try to establish a routine with your LO that allows time together and blocks of time for uninterrupted focus on something other than LO. You may find it easier to have a friend, a hired sitter, or family "visit" - take turns being with LO while you need concentration. If LO takes naps, that would be a good time to complete other "alone tasks".
Maybe a spare room, or part of one, can be converted into office/work/craft space for your "alone times." Will LO use a bell to notify you of "needs"?
As for rest, establish routines for bedtime. Make sure anybody who helps LO follows the routines. If LO is restless or wanders at night, talk to the doctor about sleep meds or hire a sitter for your sleep time. Try to get 7-9 hours of sleep every night yourself.
As a 24/7 Caregiver, you are under more stress than anyone else can even imagine, so cut yourself some slack. You might have to decide which tasks are necessary and which you have a choice about doing. Since you mention clients, I am assuming you are still working.
The only suggestion I can make is to get a set of speakers like used for babies and place one wherever he is and keep the other where you are. I bought a set but my DH progressed quicker than I could keep up with and I had to be in the same room with him 24/7. So we both lived in the living-room. I got a couple of sleep-chairs that do all the positions and Zero Gravity became my best buddy.
Some cleaning is optional. If you can no longer do it all by yourself, look to find help. I had to learn that anything not mandatory for our health could wait. My DH became too anxious if I wasn't in the room with him at all times. He was almost 97 and he had to come first.
Do the best you can with watching your nutrition. Boy was that a nightmare for me. I just did the best I could manage.
I describe it as the brain is on overload with tasks or thoughts you may never thought you would face. I am more accepting now of "the way it is". Thankful for my health and I keep a grocery list at his place for myself and helper to add too. I keep a list for me with each day of the week at the top and this helps not just what I have to do but when. I utilize my iphone calendar always for his appts. and mine and other tasks. If I don't write it down I'll add it to the phone to ping for me to make a call or whatever. We also have a calendar at Dad's of who is there for the meals, his appts or any ones time off including me, I take a picture of the caledar with phone so its with me.
All of this has helped keep me focused. I also don't over involve myself in other things. I did resign from my HOA board as it was something else to focus on and make decisions. Don't take on what you don't have to. Trying to keep the stress level down and accepting is good but not always achievable. Take time for you to chill with whatever soothes you. My Dad knows enough to thank me and tell me I'm the best daughter in the world so that alone throws in a lasting positive to help keep me straight.
You hit the nail on the head. It is stress. Especially if you had to go from mom to MIL in caregiving. We can only do so much. I am at the end of my rope too.
I have been sick with a cold since Sunday and my mom is purposely nagging me. I have no idea what her problem is. She won’t go see a doctor about anxiety and trust me she is riddled with the anxiety of a million people! I honestly think she is bored to death. I know I am! She will not go to a senior center to meet people and generally be involved in society. She would rather be a hermit and complain and drag me down with her.
She had anxiety before because she’s a perfectionist but she was distracted because she stayed busy. Being idle is horrible. Being too busy is bad, so a balance should be achieved but she doesn’t look for balance.
Her only activity or distraction is ‘The Young and the Restless’ soap opera! I don’t watch it but aren’t those things filled with ridiculous drama? What good is that? Gosh, I watch shows on nature to relax or even the old tv shows that make me laugh, not a show that will add stress!
It’s horrible to see a once active person behaving like this and worse for me to be sucked into it as well.
As soon as I get all of the paperwork for aid and attendance from veterans, something has to change, and soon! I am truly at my threshold of pain. I’m worried about my own mental stability living with her. She keeps interrupting me so I have decided to walk outside to my backyard. She will open the door if I am on my patio. She’s so crazy lately she may call my brothers and tell them I abandoned her or call 911. So I am going to try to work on things during her soap opera! Her damn laundry can wait! She has more clothes than me!
I fought like hell to banish this anxiety when I left home and managed to do so. For what? Too fall right back into it? No! I simply can’t deal with this anymore.
Thanks, Katie for pointing out how extreme stress is damaging to our wellbeing. I can be relaxed and accomplishing tasks and she starts her foolishness and it all goes out the window! Why? Because it’s been too long. When we know there is an end in sight that is relatively near we can get through it. It’s when we can’t see the end and it builds up from happening over and over and over, that we go batty.
I also keep Post-It notes handy, so anything which suddenly crosses my mind (like getting more milk) can be noted immediately before I forget, and put somewhere I will notice it, like next to the teapot.
Plus I keep a To Do list on the Sticky Notes available on my Windows 10 computer - yes, it just gets longer every week, but at least I can keep track of longer term things like overdue phone calls to friends, fixing the light on the bathroom mirror (that particular job's been on there for a year now), etc etc.
It's not 100% foolproof (I can turn an alarm off and then forget to do the task), and it can be stressful, but it's better than nothing. Or perhaps I'm just OCD...
Re the hours - can’t advise there - was doing 0530 though to 0130 and if lucky no disturbance for 4 hrs. 🤷♂️ On the other hand 0200 seemed a popular time for him to wet the bed.... 🤣