My mother-in-law had a stroke a few years ago. She was not able to live independently right away, so we moved her in with us and had to place my father-in-law in a nursing home. He passed away about 5 months later (which she blames on us). We have been taking care of her for the past few years, and we have reached our limit. She has always been an extremely manipulative person, and she will twist your words around to make you look like pond scum! She offered to take us out for dinner because we had been taking care of her, driving her to her appointments, going to the store for her, etc. The next day she told all of her family/friends (our family and friends too) that we were broke and couldn't afford to buy any food for ourselves, so she graciously offered to take us out to dinner, but now she couldn't pay for any of her medicines this month because of us! There are hundreds of these examples of her doing this. She hates me the most. She has told me I am the reason her son doesn't spend as much time with her as he should, I am a horrible mom and should have my kids taken away, etc., etc. We have tried to make her life as pleasant as possible, but she is such a hateful spiteful person, she doesn't want to be happy. She just wants to complain. She has told my kids "I know you don't love me, I'm just going to walk out the front door and never come back again" because we wouldn't drop everything and run to McDonald's for lunch. She has told my husband and me the same thing if we refuse to drop what we're doing and get her a glass of water. She is very demanding and wants to be treated like a princess and served breakfast, lunch and dinner on a silver platter. In her mind, that is the only way we are "taking care" of her is if we do that. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis and is overweight. The ONLY time she gets out of bed is to go to the bathroom a few times a day and to fix her meals. We stopped fixing her meals for her (she is VERY capable of doing it, just doesn't want to) so that she would be forced to get out of bed and do something. She is just a miserable person who doesn't want to change. If she has a headache, my husband will tell her to take some Advil. Five hours later she still has a headache, hasnt taken any Advil yet. The next day, same thing. She just wants to complain but not do anything to fix it.
My husband and I are at the end of our rope. We love his mom and feel guilty about not wanting her in our house any more, but she is not welcome in our home any more. She wants to live on her own, but then complains that nobody does anything for her. When we ask her how in the world she expects to get by on her own when she can't even do it here, she goes into the "I'll just crawl under a rock and nobody will miss me" thing and says she just wants to live by herself. Two minutes later she's made because nobody brought her lunch yet! I feel like I'm talking to a hamster running in a wheel!!
She doesn't have ANY money (just a little SS every month) and we really don't have too much extra, she doesn't really qualify for a nursing home or assisted living, we just can't have her here any more! I would love any suggestions you can give on how to deal with this.
Based upon your story I would certainly think she would qualify for assisted living as she refuses to take care of herself.
All of the things you wrote about your MIL could have been written about my Mother. It has taken me a couple of years to come to grips with her "problem". You may want to get counceling to help you understand what you can and can not do with someone with this type of disorder. I do believe with all my heart your MIL is a narcissist. How else could she do this to the people she is supposed to love. Narcissist truly only love one person, themselves.
You do not deserve this punishment. Do something ASAP. Good luck and I know 100% what you are talking about with the lies and twisting things. It is all a ploy to gain attention for themselves. Good luck!
2 words: emotional blackmail. That's all she's doing. Leaving her manageable medical conditions aside (which she doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for), this is the way I'd handle it:
Get packing boxes, not from Staples or Walmart, but the supermarket. (I wouldn't spend a dime on something like this -- she doesn't deserve it.) But them in her bedroom; she'll get the hint. Give her a timeline to make other living arrangements.
... Or, as my jolly neighbor down the hall says, you can put on you "reading" glasses. Read her from cover to cover and she'll never recover because it's about time she gets it through her head this kind of behavior isn't acceptable anymore and she learns some gratitude.
Your house, your rules. If she doesn't like it, she can move in with those concerned neighbors who think she's some kind of altruistic saint. Let them get a taste of what you're going through. I bet she won't last a week.
You go girl! ... I'm going check out that website too.
Duty, or love on your part, may mean you see that someone has the care they need. But I can't figure out why anyone would think they had to (or would want to) personally do the hands-on caring.
My christian discipler told me something very valuable. "We should strive to be more Christ-like when we are young, because then we will be so when we are old." When we are old, we cannot change ourselves very easily at all. So what we want to become when we are old, whether happy or sad, is what we should be now in order to prepare for that. Caring for an elderly person teaches us this very thing. We shouldn't become bitter and impatient, even though it feels crummy to be criticized to the bone or abused. (I feel really bitter and yell myself sometimes, I admit.) But for our own health, for our own good, we should be kind to the people we care for. Not just in caretaking, but all our affairs. How would we like it if we were old, and someone was yelling at us? Even if we don't understand that it may be our fault that they're yelling, we still wouldn't feel very good.
Anyway what I'm saying is, we should aspire to be old people who are nice to be around. I know that doesn't help you in your situation with the belligerent mother, but in a way it does. Do things out of love. Wish for the best for her. It's the right thing to do, and makes us better people. And when we do the right thing, we feel happier. Because we don't have guilt on our consciences. Guilt leads to stress, which leads to poor health. Maybe we are run down now, maybe we are emotionally bruised. But this is much lighter a burden than being wrong. When you are wrong, nothing you do can make you feel better.
Why would I force myself daily, hourly, on someone who hates the sight of me? Could that possibily be the best way to care for her?
However, emotions and happiness are unrelated. I think with many seniors, and especially my grandmother, she would rather be around you than people she doesn't know. That includes doctors or other seniors (at a center or nursing home). Seniors in general can't assimilate very easily to change. They have trouble trusting or understanding people they don't know from before. And also, when you put them in a nursing home, I imagine they can't have things exactly the way they want; they have to do things the way the nursing home is run.
When a senior is living at home, with someone she hates, getting care, this is probably what she wants more than going to a home. If she hates you, her daughter, then she would probably hate the doctors and other people she doesn't know even more. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't know. If she really hated you and preferred those people, she would ask to leave you. But she doesn't, she chooses to stay with you. Maybe on some deep on some level, she is grateful to you. Or, more likely, she is used to you.
I think as long as your mother is able to think for herself and make decisions and meet physical needs close to the way she used to, then she probably will not need to go to a home. However, if she has really declined beyond the point that you can meet her needs, then it is best to leave it to the professionals.
If she is really unbearable to be around, and you feel abused, you can do a couple of things I think. a) If she is able to do things on her own and doesn't want you around, then don't help her. If she can get by without you, then you really are not obligated to care for her intensively. b) If she cannot do things without you, and has needs, then you could maybe hire someone to help her. I know money is not really the best thing to mention in these times, but maybe she will foot the bill.
I looked at your profile, it seems like you have a few people caring for her (your siblings). That's really great that you can help each other out and not get too worn out.
So you and I agree about the importance of caring for one's parents and we also agree that how to do it "depends." Where we part ways is that I don't think there is one "right" way, and that doing it "wrong" is a heavier burden than taking emotional abuse.
just heard a wonderful sermon by a popular motivational speaker (one who I normally make fun of) about not judging and having empathy. It really hit home. We each have our own story and no one else can say what we should or should not do. Some people can not imagine a parent who is selfish and non loving. So I would just say to do what is best for your situation and do not feel guilty for one moment. Only you have lived your life and only you can know your pain.
I agree madge - Do not feel guilty for one moment. Only you have lived your life and only you can know your pain,