I’m so lost as a person and a mother. I took in my grandmother a little over a year ago due to health issues. She was found by me at her house having a stroke followed by multiple seizures. After her first hospital visit I was pressured into her moving in with me because doctors said she can no longer live alone. Granted we don’t have the biggest home but we make it work. I’m a stay at home mom of 4 and homeschool. Currently expecting again. Grandma expects to be waited on hand and foot. She won’t come out of her room for anything. Just sits and watches tv all day long. When I cook she won’t even come out to grab her plate, someone has to bring it in to her. I’ve tried stepping back and doing less but then she’ll go days without properly eating and just raid the snack cabinets. I buy things that are easy to make in the air fryer and microwave but she just won’t cook for herself. She’s still very independent and can make her own decisions, walk, talk etc. I don’t charge her money for staying with us nor do I rely on her money. I’m just exhausted and wish I never got rid of her mobile home when doctors said she could no longer live alone. There’s absolutely no other family. No one else cares about her. My father (her son) only one left of three does not care one bit. He’s an addict himself with no where’s to ever live. I took her in because I didn’t think it was going to be a 3-5 year maybe longer plan. Her health was really bad at the moment and time but she wouldn’t agree to hospice and would refuse nurses to come out to the home. Would only go to the hospital if she couldn’t breathe for low hemoglobin. Now since April she’s refused all doctors and nurses. Her hygiene is not the best. She hasn’t showered once since living with me for over a year. Just wipes herself down. Doesn’t do her own laundry. Mind you prior to her stroke and health declining at that moment she used to live alone and do everything for herself. The only thing I did was manage her money, bills, and food shop for her. I’m just so lost and not happy. I’m not happy in my own home for my kids. My husband and I bicker everyday about her because she’s just so ungrateful for everything we do for her. She’s miserable to my kids. If you say the wrong thing to her she acts like a little kid and won’t talk to you for days. I’ll make her food and she’ll agree she wants it and then scrape it in the trash. Complains to her sister on the phone I don’t take care of her enough and feed her enough when she’s more than capable of fixing herself something to eat. She complains about my dogs when they bark. I’m just so torn on what to do. I can’t live like this much longer. It’s not like she was the best grandmother ever either while I was growing up my parents were addicts and still are, I was in and out of foster care she never stepped up to care for us. She was a drunk and chain smoker herself. There’s just so much trauma I’ve experienced all the way around. I want to try and get her into assisted living we are in nj and she only gets about $1,200 a month and when I look up places they’re well over $5000. I just don’t know what to do or who to contact I’m just so so tired.
You can no longer accommodate an 8th person living in your small home and one who refuses to bathe and wants to be waited on hand and foot. You already have too much on your plate with 4 children you home school, another on the way and a husband you're arguing with thanks to grandma.
Apply for Medicaid and get grandma placed in a Skilled Nursing facility stat. That's my advice. See an elder care attorney for advice and guidance. Grandma now requires more care than you're capable of giving her. Your children and husband need to come first now.
Good luck to you.
I came home after 30 years to be with my 80 year old mom. Staying with her. We have argued a bazillion times. She's argumentative, combative, super negative, complaining & blames you for what she can't remember or what she did.
So, my Dr. put me on meds, which I can't take as they floor me & make me groggy AND, I have a therapist again. Have never dealt with any of this in my life!
I'm counting my days until I am OUT of here.
...When your grandma goes to the hospital, even if you say, she isn't getting nutrition because she doesn't want to eat & she's suffering from dehydration etc.... WhatEver gets her to the hospital. Then, get a social worker, tell them she doesn't have anywhere to go when they try to release her and place her in a nursing home.
She seems like her income meets the requirement for Medicare, Medicaid.
You're not a caretaker,..not this kind nor, someone equipped for her treatment towards you.
You're a mom, wife and you still have your life. You can't allow someone to drag you down.
And don't feel guilty!
If we had moms who were sweet, kind, easy-going, amazing.. it wouldn't be a problem & you can deal with the situation better.. easier. But, for many people here, that's not what we have.
Allow those who caretake for a living to do this.. it's their job, allow THEM to deal with her on a daily, all day basis.
They have shifts and are only around her for so long & then someone else starts their shift to work.
WE are dealing with them ALL day & night & it sucks the life out of you!
I wish you the best!:)
You grew up in dysfunction and you are still in it, living out the trauma.
You have had a very difficult life and it is time you learn to value yourself.
You do this for yourself and for your four children and the one on the way.
In essence, you need to LEARN that it is (not just okay), it is essential that you value yourself. One way you do this is by setting boundaries with others.
Most people fear another's rejection so they becomes 'people pleasers.'
Know that how another takes or feels about you is THEIR BUSINESS and decision.
Yes, I hear and understand the trauma you've experienced. I empathize with you.
And, it is time that you learn HOW to put yourself and your family first.
You are not a victim and you do not have to put yourself in a position to be one Tell yourself "I am not a victim."
- You contact nursing home if she doesn't have the income for a facility.
- You do not co-mingle your and her monies (you do charge her rent.)
- Yes, facilities with levels of care do cost around $5k depending on where you live. Nursing homes do not.
- Check into Board and Care (usually 4-6 rooms for elders in a person's home).
You are undestandably exhausted physically, mentally and psychologically.
There is a saying "we teach others how to treat us." It starts with teaching ourself self-love. Many of us didn't get this growing up and need to learn it on our own.
You need to teach her by setting limits. You tell her what you are doing, i.e.:
"As of tomorrow, I am not fixing you xxx (breakfast, lunch, dinner) ... If you want to eat, you are capable to prepare your own meals. If you want to give a reason, which you don't need to do, say: "I am exhausted. Things need to change."
You could also write out ahead of time what you want to do and how you want to change your behavior, which will require her to change hers.
* writing out your thoughts will help you figure out what they are / what you want (to do), say and how to say it.
- Since asserting yourself is so very new, it is good to write it down and even read it to her. You may feel frightened / scared (this is the trauma).
- When a person learns to respect themselves (esp when going through all you have, it is not easy to 'just change.' It takes conscious work.
THIS IS IMPORTANT________________________________
Realize that how you feel about yourself ... how you think and behave, you are TEACHING your children to do as you do. (not love or value themselves).
What you are doing is teaching them that their feelings and needs do not matter. You want your children to love themselves.
If I were you, I would call the county, ask for the Senior Services Dept and ask who could offer you some support / guidance - perhaps a social worker.
I am glad that you wrote us here. We are a start.
Do know that re-writing your life story is an ongoing process. It takes constant work although the brain will change / adapt (neuro-plasticity).
What we do repetitively (new, positive behaviors) will change your brian cells. Watch / google Rick Hanson, Ph,D., neuro-psychologist and Buddhist Scholar. He has workshops on trauma; he wrote Buddha Brain. You need to start taking care of yourself for your well-being.
Grannie's free ride stops now.
Gena / Touch Matters
Who pressured you into taking her in? If it was a doctor, social worker, or hospital employee they should have a complaint filed against them for being unwilling to do their job and get your grandmother placed in a facility.
Here is the next reality: your children only get one childhood and as their parent, you need to ensure that It is not ruined by this situation. Your grandmother does not contribute anything positive to their life, but in fact makes all of you miserable. You owe it to your children (and your husband) to remove her toxic personality from their home. So for their sake, just do it. Now. You also owe them, a mother who is physically and psychologically healthy, but she is destroying you with her selfishness.
I'm sorry you got pushed into this situation, but you can and must right your priorities. You have already done far more for your grandmother than she deserves. Clearly you had a traumatic childhood. You need to break the pattern and not do the same to your children.
Contact your local department for seniors and get the process of settling her elsewhere underway. DO NOT BUCKLE UNDER PRESSURE and agree to keep her. Do it for your family.
Please come back and let us know what's happening and what progress is being made. My heart really goes out to you.
I would call in social services for your county and start a discussion about getting her a court-appointed legal guardian who will move her to a facility and take care of all the management and financing for it. Be persistent that you can’t sustain it and will not do it. Not “can’t” do it — WON’T do it. Do not accept any promise to help her “stay in the community”, this is a lie they sometimes tell to get people her off their plate. My family had a good experience with social services and guardianship.
The only acceptable solution is to move her out permanently. You’ve done your best. May this give you peace in your heart.
Believe me, this can go on for decades.
Think about what this situation is doing to your kids. They can’t escape her.
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