Caring for my elderly grandmother. It's getting difficult. What should I do?

First of all, you most likely intend to do this, so I won't bother to tell you it's a bad idea. I think you knew that when you said yes to whomever pressured you into making your home her home.
Secondly, you need to tell her that the gravy train has stopped and that you will continue care ONLY if you go to an elder law attorney for a CARE CONTRACT that is a shared cost of living contract. That you expect her to pay a full 1/3 of expenses for home, mortgage, insurance, utilities and food.
Thirdly she is responsible for cooking two days a week and for her own laundry and you would appreciate some help with yours.

Now we come to "she doesn't want to".
Then tell her she has exactly three months to stay in your home, and after that three months is up that you will be calling an eviction attorney to get her removed from your home.

Or, you can just continue on as you are, with now homeschooling FIVE children and taking care of granny.
You are an adult.
Life is fully of choices.
Your obligation is to your children. If you are wasting your time throwing yourself on grandmother's funeral pyre, then just know it is a slow burn; she will be there a long time with you and the grandkids. And you are neglecting your own children for her.
But there's nothing a forum of strangers can really do about that.

I hope you will wake up and take charge here, because you and your husband are the adults in the room.

Your grandmother has dementia from the stroke which is why she won't bathe, etc. She is not "independent" one tiny bit but 100% dependent on you for everything. Get it out of your head that it's any other way. What she once was she no longer is. The stroke changed all of that and brought dementia with it, which will only worsen.

You can no longer accommodate an 8th person living in your small home and one who refuses to bathe and wants to be waited on hand and foot. You already have too much on your plate with 4 children you home school, another on the way and a husband you're arguing with thanks to grandma.

Apply for Medicaid and get grandma placed in a Skilled Nursing facility stat. That's my advice. See an elder care attorney for advice and guidance. Grandma now requires more care than you're capable of giving her. Your children and husband need to come first now.

Good luck to you.

Kudos and blessings to you for doing yeomans work on your Grandmas behalf. I agree that her medical issues are preventing her from being able to see her problem, caring about how it’s impacting your family and being able to come up with or participating in a solution.

I would call in social services for your county and start a discussion about getting her a court-appointed legal guardian who will move her to a facility and take care of all the management and financing for it. Be persistent that you can’t sustain it and will not do it. Not “can’t” do it — WON’T do it. Do not accept any promise to help her “stay in the community”, this is a lie they sometimes tell to get people her off their plate. My family had a good experience with social services and guardianship.

The only acceptable solution is to move her out permanently. You’ve done your best. May this give you peace in your heart.

strokes can cause brain damage. Lead to vascular dementia, and I'm sorry to say that Grandma is no longer capable of living independently.
You home is not a safe place to care for her with so many small children and a new one on the way.
Get her on medicaid and find a placement in a state home for her. Then you can visit her happily and not resent her for things she can no longer do.

You, your husband and your children deserve SO much better than what they're getting now by living with a miserable old woman with probable dementia.
And it's you and your husband that are going to have to put forth a united front to get her out of your home ASAP.
I would start with calling APS, and your local Area Agency on Aging to see what your options are. And that most likely will include applying for Medicaid for her and allowing her to be placed in a Medicaid facility, where she will be taken care of, and you can get back to just being her granddaughter and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
You had a traumatic upbringing and I know that you don't want your children to do the same, so make those calls today and get the ball rolling of getting grandma OUT!!!

When you get in touch with social services, stress the ages of your children and that she is emotionally abusive towards them. Home is where children should feel safe. Young as they may be, they are picking up on the stress of having her there. I have repeatedly apologized to my children for not getting my mother away from them sooner.

You cannot continue this way. In hindsight, you could have told the Social Worker there was no way you can care for a woman with grandma's needs. They would then have placed her. Any money she had would go for her care. If no money, then Medicaid would be applied for. If you have no POA, then she becomes a Ward of the state.

Please accept no guilt from grandma or anyone else, yourself included. You’ve done your best, that’s all anyone can ask. Time to move grandma to a nursing home using Medicaid to pay for it. Don’t assume it will be a nightmare. It was your grandma’s responsibility, just as it is for us all, to plan and provide for her aging. It’s not your fault that she didn’t do so. You need your home back, your peace back, and a welcoming environment for a new baby. Call Council on Aging, Adult Protective Services, and if needed, 911 and have her transported to the hospital for a suspected UTI, and once there meet the social worker and refuse to bring her back to your home. It all sounds brutal but it’s necessary for the good of all, grandma included. Wishing you courage and peace

I think that you need to give yourself and your family the best Christmas 🎄 gift of all: a plan for her to move out of your home. Her presence is destroying your right to a more peaceful family life. I’m in Canada, so can’t speak to the specific pathways to begin the process; however, a number of the other replies here address that. You have done MORE than your share: it’s time to take your life back. Do it, for your own sake, and for your family, too. After she has moved, you will wish that you had started this sooner. Take very good care.

You need to make a decision to set boundaries with your grandmother.
You grew up in dysfunction and you are still in it, living out the trauma.
You have had a very difficult life and it is time you learn to value yourself.

You do this for yourself and for your four children and the one on the way.

In essence, you need to LEARN that it is (not just okay), it is essential that you value yourself. One way you do this is by setting boundaries with others.
Most people fear another's rejection so they becomes 'people pleasers.'
Know that how another takes or feels about you is THEIR BUSINESS and decision.

Yes, I hear and understand the trauma you've experienced. I empathize with you.
And, it is time that you learn HOW to put yourself and your family first.

You are not a victim and you do not have to put yourself in a position to be one Tell yourself "I am not a victim."

- You contact nursing home if she doesn't have the income for a facility.
- You do not co-mingle your and her monies (you do charge her rent.)
- Yes, facilities with levels of care do cost around $5k depending on where you live. Nursing homes do not.
- Check into Board and Care (usually 4-6 rooms for elders in a person's home).

You are undestandably exhausted physically, mentally and psychologically.
There is a saying "we teach others how to treat us." It starts with teaching ourself self-love. Many of us didn't get this growing up and need to learn it on our own.

You need to teach her by setting limits. You tell her what you are doing, i.e.:

"As of tomorrow, I am not fixing you xxx (breakfast, lunch, dinner) ... If you want to eat, you are capable to prepare your own meals. If you want to give a reason, which you don't need to do, say: "I am exhausted. Things need to change."

You could also write out ahead of time what you want to do and how you want to change your behavior, which will require her to change hers.

* writing out your thoughts will help you figure out what they are / what you want (to do), say and how to say it.

- Since asserting yourself is so very new, it is good to write it down and even read it to her. You may feel frightened / scared (this is the trauma).

- When a person learns to respect themselves (esp when going through all you have, it is not easy to 'just change.' It takes conscious work.

THIS IS IMPORTANT________________________________

Realize that how you feel about yourself ... how you think and behave, you are TEACHING your children to do as you do. (not love or value themselves).
What you are doing is teaching them that their feelings and needs do not matter. You want your children to love themselves.

If I were you, I would call the county, ask for the Senior Services Dept and ask who could offer you some support / guidance - perhaps a social worker.

I am glad that you wrote us here. We are a start.

Do know that re-writing your life story is an ongoing process. It takes constant work although the brain will change / adapt (neuro-plasticity).
What we do repetitively (new, positive behaviors) will change your brian cells. Watch / google Rick Hanson, Ph,D., neuro-psychologist and Buddhist Scholar. He has workshops on trauma; he wrote Buddha Brain. You need to start taking care of yourself for your well-being.

Grannie's free ride stops now.

Gena / Touch Matters

You need to book an appointment with her doctor and advise you can’t cope anymore and everyone is getting ill in the house with the stress and ask fir advice on what options you have
the doctors deal with elderly people all the time they should have contacts for you /social services ?

it actually doesn’t matter what your mother in law wants
she has abused her stay and hospitality
you coujd tell her when it’s sorted that you have got ill and your doctor has advices you need to lesson any stress and you can’t look after her anymore but will be close and visit
then switch off to what’s Said - in life there comes a point where u see you matter as well
your health matters
your life matters and that of your family and she is just upsetting the dynamics of the family unit
Time to look after yourself
she will receive proper care in care
you're at burnout
Address now before your health deteriorates further

☆Get her Out of there! I would say that even if you didn't have children. THIS, will drag you to hell.
I came home after 30 years to be with my 80 year old mom. Staying with her. We have argued a bazillion times. She's argumentative, combative, super negative, complaining & blames you for what she can't remember or what she did.
So, my Dr. put me on meds, which I can't take as they floor me & make me groggy AND, I have a therapist again. Have never dealt with any of this in my life!
I'm counting my days until I am OUT of here.

...When your grandma goes to the hospital, even if you say, she isn't getting nutrition because she doesn't want to eat & she's suffering from dehydration etc.... WhatEver gets her to the hospital. Then, get a social worker, tell them she doesn't have anywhere to go when they try to release her and place her in a nursing home.
She seems like her income meets the requirement for Medicare, Medicaid.
You're not a caretaker,..not this kind nor, someone equipped for her treatment towards you.
You're a mom, wife and you still have your life. You can't allow someone to drag you down.
And don't feel guilty!
If we had moms who were sweet, kind, easy-going, amazing.. it wouldn't be a problem & you can deal with the situation better.. easier. But, for many people here, that's not what we have.
Allow those who caretake for a living to do this.. it's their job, allow THEM to deal with her on a daily, all day basis.
They have shifts and are only around her for so long & then someone else starts their shift to work.
WE are dealing with them ALL day & night & it sucks the life out of you!
I wish you the best!:)

Sweetie27: This dynamic must be amended. Contact social services.

We have people here whose elders lived until 105-109 years old.

Believe me, this can go on for decades.

Think about what this situation is doing to your kids. They can’t escape her.

First of all, grandma gets put into residential care immediately. Then send your kids to school. You're not living out on the frontier in the 1800's where women had to have a baby every year and teach them all at home. When baby #5 arrives, make an appointment at your OB/GYN and have your tubes tied. Or send your husband for a vasectomy.

It's time to remedy your situation before it becomes dangerous and tragic. Please, do us the respect of not playing dumb and pretending that you don't know exactly what I mean. Andrea Yates had only three little ones at home being homeschooled and a new baby. She didn't have baby #5 on the way along with the extra responsibility of a needy, ornery, demanding, demented elder living with her.



1) Grandmother gets placed immediately

2) The kids get sent to school

3) You or hubby gets fixed.

You have a family to think about. So start thinking about them.

Here is the reality: your grandmother is not happy in your home. She is probably not willing to be happy anywhere, but she is not currently happy in your home, and it will only get worse when you have a crying newborn. That fact alone should banish any guilt feelings over evicting your grandmother from your home. You will not be uprooting her from a happy situation, so don't feel one iota of guilt or regret or obligation to her.

Who pressured you into taking her in? If it was a doctor, social worker, or hospital employee they should have a complaint filed against them for being unwilling to do their job and get your grandmother placed in a facility.

Here is the next reality: your children only get one childhood and as their parent, you need to ensure that It is not ruined by this situation. Your grandmother does not contribute anything positive to their life, but in fact makes all of you miserable. You owe it to your children (and your husband) to remove her toxic personality from their home. So for their sake, just do it. Now. You also owe them, a mother who is physically and psychologically healthy, but she is destroying you with her selfishness.

I'm sorry you got pushed into this situation, but you can and must right your priorities. You have already done far more for your grandmother than she deserves. Clearly you had a traumatic childhood. You need to break the pattern and not do the same to your children.

Contact your local department for seniors and get the process of settling her elsewhere underway. DO NOT BUCKLE UNDER PRESSURE and agree to keep her. Do it for your family.

Please come back and let us know what's happening and what progress is being made. My heart really goes out to you.

You said she has a sister?! Contact sister and get granny moved in with her. explain you have 4 kids and baby on the way and you need her help.

Get the kids enrolled in school. This is free to you.
Get on birth control after #5 is born.
Get Grandma moved into senior housing.

“My father (her son) only one left of three does not care one bit. He’s an addict himself with no where’s to ever live …”

This is heartbreaking, Sweetie27. I’m sorry you’ve had to rise above so much dysfunction and pain. Kudos to you for wanting to protect your own family (by which I mean husband and kids) from it.

I agree with everything posted here about getting this woman on Medicaid and out of your house, but wanted to add:

PLEASE, whatever you do— make sure you DO NOT at any point find yourself agreeing to take in your addict absentee father! No more dysfunctional relatives in your home!

Thinking of you and cheering you on. 😊

Save yourself and your family. Contact local office of the aging and put her on the subsidized senior hosing list. It’s income based for seniors with limited funds. Just do it. You don’t have to tell her the plan. When a unit is available, pack her up and out she goes. You’re being used horribly by a spiteful, manipulative senior-brat. You’ve done more than enough. Your family’s peace of mind and happiness matters.

A stroke damages the brain. Sometimes the damage is easily identifiable (like some paralysis) and sometimes it's more hidden. You need to be open to the possibility your grandmother is facing some new problems with even simple tasks. For example, a balance issue can make a person feel like they are going to fall, either all the time or unexpectedly. A senior who didn't want to leave the room had unrecognized balance problems; adding some handrails down her hall and eventually a walker allowed him to become much more mobile.

Appetite can be very changeable too. I suggest planning on making and serving grandma's food as much as possible with your family's (some modifications may be needed for her dietary constraints).

In general I would recommend trying to solve problems instead of thinking about all the things you believe your grandmother should be able to do for herself. Is it really a problem to deliver a plate and pick up the dishes from her room? Or does thinking you shouldn't have to do it have a longer impact on your mood? Sometimes our attitude about something makes it harder to handle than the actual item.

The local Area Agency on Aging should be able to work with you on some solutions to help you care for grandmother. Maybe it's an adult day care that would get gm out of the house for a few hours. Maybe it's a placement where gm could be cared for by others and you just visit her.

Your situation is very tough being sandwiched between caring for your kids and your grandmother; either one is a challenge but both together is really tough to handle. Please look at the situation clearly and decide what's most important and what you realistically can do well. It might be time to acknowledge that you want to care for Grandma but there's just not enough of you to meet everyone's needs.