Concern for secretive dad who lives across the country. Suggestions on dealing with silence regarding necessary contact information?
My dad who lives across the country has been very good at caring for himself after my Mother passed away 12 years ago. He lives in a well cared for apartment complex. I'm beginning to get concerned because of his age, yet he will not share aspects of his life such as contacts, (friends, church members, doctors) with me. I've tried and I keep getting the familiar spiel, " Oh everything is fine, no reason to worry". I have tried to reason that I worry about what might happen, and who should I call if it does. I get nothing in return, it's like banging my head against a brick wall. If he develops a problem I don't know his Dr. phone number, or any other info.
Last time I visited him, I went to the apartment management office and spoke to the manager and told her my concern, and if it would be OK if she called me with any problems, and could I call her office if I couldn't reach my Dad. She was really nice, and was open to my suggestions, so I feel that I've breached the wall of silence to a certain point.
Does anyone have suggestions, or pointers about dealing with parental silence regarding necessary contact information? He will not move back closer to the family, and it drives me crazy. Thank you
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Tell you father that you are tired of asking him, so you will ask him one more time where his important papers are; if he did a POA, or has a will, and if he doesn't want to share that, then that is just FINE, but you will not be there when he goes down to answer the questions that will need to be answered.
Then LET IT REST. It is OVER. He doesn't have to give you any information.
That you went to the manager of the complex I think is just fine as long as you provided only your contact number should there be a problem they note. They will be glad to have that information from you, and you are not breaching privacy if you didn't share private information; you are simply supplying your contact number.
So understand, if your father didn't have children there would be NO ONE he would be giving this information to. And he has decided not to give it to you. You cannot change his decision as long as he is competent to make it.
All you can do is encourage him to have all his paperwork in order (Will updated since Mum died, POA, a list of accounts), you can also ask him for one trusted contact that you could contact if you are unable to connect with him for an expended period of time. It sounds like you have set up the trusted contact with the apartment manager.
That without a Will, the state steps in and determines who gets what and takes their share. That you at least need to know where the important papers are. That there is a little black book in the kitchen drawer with all the important numbers are, like his doctors.
If he still is stubborn, then you will just need to let it go and pray there is never an emergency as such.
I was lucky. I asked Mom to keep all her important papers in a pouch I could easily grab and take. She paid her bills in one place. She had a drawer in her bedroom where all other papers were kept. She had 5 yrs of statements saved. No problem when I applied for Medicaid. Her Will and POAs were done. It made my life so much easier when I finally needed everything. Your Dad could at least do this for you. I have done it for my kids.