Hi All,
I am an adult grandchild (in my mid-twenties) who is concerned about the well-being of my parents as they have my grandfather living with them.
For background, my grandfather moved in with my parents about 4 years ago when he was battling cancer. He has been cancer free for a couple of years now, and really has no major medical issues. He is 81 years old and is still able to walk, bathe, drive, etc. without assistance.
My concern stems from the fact that he is incredibly negative, toxic, irritable (down right mean at times), and selfish. He sits in the middle of my parents living room for about 12 hours a day, watching TV and videos on his phone (all with the volume blasting). Basically, my parents cannot inhabit their own living room/main floor because he has now staked his territory and doesn’t care what anyone else wants. He could move into an apartment on his own, but I think he is perfectly comfortable taking over their house, living rent free, not paying for food, etc. (he makes $5K a month in retirement benefits).
Essentially, I am worried that his negativity and anger will really wear down my parents, burdening them mentally and physically as they themselves get older. They have expressed interest in the past of moving to a warmer climate and traveling, but I don’t know if they will do that with the burden of my grandfather on them.
I am beginning to harbor a great deal of resentment towards him for his selfishness and ungrateful personality.
Any advice on what I could do, or how I could approach this with my parents, would be appreciated.
rant over.
Also, elders, like teenagers, can be very clique-ish and form instant opinions about the cognitive skills of others and shun them based on that.
I would encourage your parents to set some health boundaries with grandpa (great book-- Townsend and Cloud, called Boundaries. Order it for your parents) and set up some visits to Assisted Living places.
I would suggest alternative living arrangements to your parents for your grandfather. Hopefully they will be interested enough to look into it.
What I did: I told her I could not visit home like that, and if she wanted me there for holidays, I would not stay with her but at a neighbor's. She arranged it with a shut in neighbor that I wanted to stay at her house during break so her overnight aide could spend Christmas Eve with her kids, and I just went along with it. But I did not have to deal with mthr's crankiness in her house. She had other issues, but this was a great relief.
Perhaps you can talk to your dad first and express your level of discomfort. It may be that be needs an ally to get your mom to realize they are being verbally abused at the very least. Your granddad would be happier in a group living situation where he could have other old grumpy men to complain with. Misery lives company, as they say.
Sounds like Grandfather had moved away from his friends, and at his age it isn't easy finding new buddies to chum around with. Or if he didn't, probably his friends had moved or passed on. Thus, his only friends are your parents who are a generation younger with different interests and taste in things.
Ok, now for your parents, whenever a parent's parent resides under the same roof there appears the adult/child dynamic. Thus, Grandfather becomes the adult, and either your Dad or Mom once again becomes the child. That isn't easy.
Are there any senior centers in your parents area? If yes, try to get Grandfather to go there, maybe meet some people from his own generation. Or clubs he could join, like if he liked fishing, playing cards, etc.
If that doesn't work, what are Grandfather's main interest. If he liked doing fix it work around the house, ask him to show you how to do these thing [ask Dad what needs to be fixed]. I remember my Dad [even in his 80's and 90's] eyes would light up when I asked him for help on fixing something. Grandfather needs to feel he is important.
Or you can get out the photo albums and start on a family tree. Some old timers love to talk about the past, which is great information to have for a family tree. You can start with a membership to Ancestry.com which has U.S. census, photos other relatives may have placed, etc. And trace back your Grandfather's parents and his grandparents, siblings, great Aunt/Uncles, their siblings. I have over 3,000 people in my tree and I am still shaking that tree :)
I have the feeling it's your mother's father, and that she is acting under the expectation that daughters take care of their parents. Am I correct?
As advised below, gently broach the subject with your parents. The sooner they get him out of the house, the better, while he is still independent. Once he starts needing help, it's going to be more difficult. If he gets $5k/month, he can afford a nice place to live.
I'd want your parents reimbursed for the previous 4 years, too. They deserve it!
Would you mind elaborating on why it is easier to get him out of the house now while he is independent versus later on? Really curious about your views on this and how I could express them to my parents.
thanks!